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((((MC)))) I don't quite know how to articulate a good response to this... What you've said is so open, honest and just something I'm so thankful I've read. I'm sorry about the journey thus far, counseling is not for the weak at heart. The work is grueling. I relate to not knowing what I was getting in to when I started. I was viciously resistant and thought I would be there 4 or 5 times and be done. I've never had a relationship like the one (well bond I should say) I've found with T. It seemed to propel so much. I was also at rock bottom with my ED and SU issues and I'm glad hers was the doorstep I landed on. Take gentle care and thank you for sharing your feelings and story. 
Hi Ms. Control... I, too, fell unknowing into an attachment with my first T. Despite my being hyper vigilant and so careful about relationships I was not prepared for the strong feelings for him that developed. They were so confusing at first. I was terrified that he would find out or terminate me if he did. I thought I was doing something wrong and felt guilty about it and tried to stuff it, hide it or ignore it. Luckily I made a new friend on another board who understood this more than I did and she and others on various therapy boards shared their situations and that (along with reading a lot of books) helped me to understand what was happening.
About 2.5 years into my therapy my oldT suddenly decided he HAD to abandon me and he harshly terminated me via email after a horrible confrontation where he told me to find another T and I broke down in my car outside his office. It was a terrible traumatic incident that I still cannot even totally write about. It left me with PTSD on top of my existing C-PTSD.
Luckily after seeing 4 other T's I ended up on my T's doorstep. He took me in and nursed me back to health. It has been a long and very grueling 4 years of work with him to get where I am now and I still have a long way to go.
We attach to certain people for a number of reasons. We may have never had a healthy attachment figure in our past. We find someone who suddenly is there for us meeting our needs and offering understanding and support. The person may be an echo of someone in our past who light up our neural networks. They fill up the empty place left inside of us.
I am so sorry you lost your T. I know the pain and fear that evokes. I do think you should post as much as you want about him. I think talking about the relationship will help you come to terms with the loss. Stuffing it does not work. And it may be too painful now to think about, but when you can, hold onto the good things that came from that relationship. Hold onto the memories and the feelings.
Will you be seeing a new T? Are you looking for someone now?
Thinking of you.
TN
About 2.5 years into my therapy my oldT suddenly decided he HAD to abandon me and he harshly terminated me via email after a horrible confrontation where he told me to find another T and I broke down in my car outside his office. It was a terrible traumatic incident that I still cannot even totally write about. It left me with PTSD on top of my existing C-PTSD.
Luckily after seeing 4 other T's I ended up on my T's doorstep. He took me in and nursed me back to health. It has been a long and very grueling 4 years of work with him to get where I am now and I still have a long way to go.
We attach to certain people for a number of reasons. We may have never had a healthy attachment figure in our past. We find someone who suddenly is there for us meeting our needs and offering understanding and support. The person may be an echo of someone in our past who light up our neural networks. They fill up the empty place left inside of us.
I am so sorry you lost your T. I know the pain and fear that evokes. I do think you should post as much as you want about him. I think talking about the relationship will help you come to terms with the loss. Stuffing it does not work. And it may be too painful now to think about, but when you can, hold onto the good things that came from that relationship. Hold onto the memories and the feelings.
Will you be seeing a new T? Are you looking for someone now?
Thinking of you.
TN
(((Ms.C)))
I think many of us are totally unprepared for the experience of counselling and the waking up inside of attachment issues - and the total shock of how painful that can be.
Write as much as you need to Ms. C. It helps to make those connections to share your experiences with others who really do 'know' how it is, and it helps those who read and are currently struggling in some rift tide or other of their own therapy experience.
Take gentle care
sb
I think many of us are totally unprepared for the experience of counselling and the waking up inside of attachment issues - and the total shock of how painful that can be.
Write as much as you need to Ms. C. It helps to make those connections to share your experiences with others who really do 'know' how it is, and it helps those who read and are currently struggling in some rift tide or other of their own therapy experience.
Take gentle care
sb