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Blanket Girl 
This makes sense.. I mean- i dont know WHY this happens but I AM JUST LIKE YOU!! ok,- so that means aactually i dont know either what this means, but i am totally relating to the hate-love flip flop. I long for my sessions all the time, and are usually full of warm loving feelings for my T when he is not there, but 4 hours on so before the session, i find myself wanna run away; dont knock on his door and being just filled up with... Some kind of angst and hateful-feelings..i donno..never understood this and yet just learning to live with these shifting feelings.
But- i doubt there is anything wrong with you- (or me) for feeling like this. Quite normal i guess, but keep asking- and tell me if you figure out of this and make sense of it. Have you asked your T about it?
This makes sense.. I mean- i dont know WHY this happens but I AM JUST LIKE YOU!! ok,- so that means aactually i dont know either what this means, but i am totally relating to the hate-love flip flop. I long for my sessions all the time, and are usually full of warm loving feelings for my T when he is not there, but 4 hours on so before the session, i find myself wanna run away; dont knock on his door and being just filled up with... Some kind of angst and hateful-feelings..i donno..never understood this and yet just learning to live with these shifting feelings.
But- i doubt there is anything wrong with you- (or me) for feeling like this. Quite normal i guess, but keep asking- and tell me if you figure out of this and make sense of it. Have you asked your T about it?
Hi, Blanket Girl...I don't think we've talked yet, so I wanted to say hi!
I completely relate to therapy ambivalence. ugh. Every day is a painful struggle to get through without seeing my T...then when I finally DO get to see him, I almost cancel, or do cancel, or want to quit, or lie awake in fear a trembling all night...then when I meet my T I often can't speak, so we sit in silence.
I hope it gets better for you, BG...I know it takes time, and it sounds like you are getting there! Keep on plugging! How lon until your next session?
BB
I completely relate to therapy ambivalence. ugh. Every day is a painful struggle to get through without seeing my T...then when I finally DO get to see him, I almost cancel, or do cancel, or want to quit, or lie awake in fear a trembling all night...then when I meet my T I often can't speak, so we sit in silence.
I hope it gets better for you, BG...I know it takes time, and it sounds like you are getting there! Keep on plugging! How lon until your next session?BB
Hello there Blanket Girl - want to belatedly say hi and welcome to the forum. I certainly sympathize with the not wanting to go feeling - it’s all very well having these articulate expressive conversations in my head with T, but facing the reality of having to talk, in words that can be heard, really freaks me and I too tend to feel - oh I really don’t want to go, don’t want to do this why am I putting myself through this.
Lol love the countdown - I think by now you will have had that session (that you did go to didn’t you ) How did it go? Did you manage to speak? I hope so!
LL
Lol love the countdown - I think by now you will have had that session (that you did go to didn’t you
) How did it go? Did you manage to speak? I hope so!LL
Hi Blanket Girl,
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply here, things have been a bit hectic. But I wanted to offer a possibility to explain the feelings you're going through. I'm not sure how good a fit it is because I don't know that much about your background, but I offer it in case it's helpful.
I think you may be experiencing what my T calls "the bind." It's what makes healing from this stuff so hellish. When the source of our pain comes from the very persons who are supposed to comfort us we are left in an impossible dilemma. We're biologically hardwired to move towards connection when we're scared or hurt or angry; that's how human beings are supposed to get their needs met. Hence, you're drawn towards your T. But when moving toward connection got us hurt we learned we had to stay away. Which is intolerable because we can't survive on our own. Our early relationships form an unconscious template for how we relate. As you move closer to your T, your amygdala (which is responsible for keeping you alive) looks at your template and tells you loudly and overwhelmingly that you're doing something dangerous and YOU HAVE TO MOVE AWAY. Or at least shut down and not make yourself vulnerable by talking about your feelings or needs. But all of this is happening on a deep unconscious level and leaving you baffled about your own behvior. But the truth is that although it FEELS like you're in danger, you are actually safer in moving towards your T. But it's unbelievably difficult and scarey to keep going closer despite those fears. Because you will quite creatively and constantly look for an excuse to move away to remove yourself from the "danger." I did it for a straight two years. That push-pull dynamic was very strong and manifested in all kinds of interesting ways. The best way to deal with it for me was to try to stop judging my feelings (you know the "what the hell's wrong with me? how insane am I?" and instead treat my feelings as information and try to see what they said about me. It can be slow and confusing but pays off in the end.
AG
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply here, things have been a bit hectic. But I wanted to offer a possibility to explain the feelings you're going through. I'm not sure how good a fit it is because I don't know that much about your background, but I offer it in case it's helpful.
I think you may be experiencing what my T calls "the bind." It's what makes healing from this stuff so hellish. When the source of our pain comes from the very persons who are supposed to comfort us we are left in an impossible dilemma. We're biologically hardwired to move towards connection when we're scared or hurt or angry; that's how human beings are supposed to get their needs met. Hence, you're drawn towards your T. But when moving toward connection got us hurt we learned we had to stay away. Which is intolerable because we can't survive on our own. Our early relationships form an unconscious template for how we relate. As you move closer to your T, your amygdala (which is responsible for keeping you alive) looks at your template and tells you loudly and overwhelmingly that you're doing something dangerous and YOU HAVE TO MOVE AWAY. Or at least shut down and not make yourself vulnerable by talking about your feelings or needs. But all of this is happening on a deep unconscious level and leaving you baffled about your own behvior. But the truth is that although it FEELS like you're in danger, you are actually safer in moving towards your T. But it's unbelievably difficult and scarey to keep going closer despite those fears. Because you will quite creatively and constantly look for an excuse to move away to remove yourself from the "danger." I did it for a straight two years. That push-pull dynamic was very strong and manifested in all kinds of interesting ways. The best way to deal with it for me was to try to stop judging my feelings (you know the "what the hell's wrong with me? how insane am I?" and instead treat my feelings as information and try to see what they said about me. It can be slow and confusing but pays off in the end.
AG