Oh, this one is soooo hard for me. I have no problem doing "things for me" that are self-destructive. But to do anything positive for myself, that will affect no one else but me...or even will "put others out"...shudder. It just doesn't seem possible. Right now, I have been trying to just wrap my mind around the concept of "self-care." It is very, very difficult for me. I suspect that it's hard for me because nobody ever took care of me or showed me how, when I was little, so even the basics can be very hard to make myself do a lot of the time. I know that it is crazy, but I will forget to eat or shower and stuff like that. But I take care of my kids, not magnificently, but I don't neglect their needs- so that is just weird. Why can I make myself do it for them, but I can't make myself do it for myself?

Sometimes, when I see all the things that people around me are doing, like excercising, socializing, having hobbies, activities and so on, I can get this really hopeless feeling inside that I do not know what to do with. I was really tempted to avoid this thread for that reason. But, I want to learn how to pick myself up, and do what needs to be done. Right now I am in survival mode. I want to move out of survival mode. to the next level, but it feels overwhelming and completely hopeless. I am sorry BG, to be a downer on your wonderful thread, but I am hoping *so much* to find a way out of this- so that is why I posted here. I'm trying not to avoid the positive threads. Sometimes watching what others do used to help me, because I would copy that. Maybe that can work again?

Thanks, BG. There are a lot of really good ideas here!

Beebs

...hm, this might sound as the most boring thing, but i like to sit just still, go alone somewhere, and just stare at other people, "hide in the crowd" forget myself and the time, and just take a step back and observe things..faces, voices, moves..small interactions and details i am surrounded by at the moment..I can find great peace doing this "activity".
(my T thinks i am isolating while doing this, so *sshh* dont tell him )


And if i see someone with a spescial good/wice face,(often old people) i like to draw/portraint them in all secret!

oh, and i play the piano and/or get lost in a good book or something..

Wow, this is a hard one for me right now because I can see I'm actually NOT doing a lot of the stuff I have done in the past to take care of myself (exercise, music, time with friends and so on). But I can and am still doing some things:

- Eating ok
- Maintaining my to-do list so I don't get too stressed out
- Sleeping 8 hrs
- Going to therapy
- Planning holidays
- Ordering groceries so we don't end up with no food in the house
- Walking to and from work

Love this thread, thanks BG.

Beebs, I want to say I can hear how very difficult this idea is given all that terrible yucky neglect. You are doing an amazing job to be looking after your little ones so well given what you grew up with. Maybe you just need to stay with survival mode until the survival feels settled and safe.

I don't know if it will be triggery for me to say this, but I'm guessing when you are ready you will be able to see a few little things that you can and are doing to take care of yourself. But to do that you'll need to be in a place where that's a *good* thing - where you can look and say hey, I'm doing X, good for me! And not want to take it away from yourself because you're not sure you deserve it. ((((((BB)))))

Love,
Jones

Oh dear!! Blanket Girl you remind me that I usually end with take care and be gentle with yourself!! and I wouldn't have a clue how to do that for myself!!!

Thanks for the thread - will go and give it some thought.
Morgs

Aw, Morgs, that used to happen to me all the time too when I first started posting. Often it still does, but that's usually because I'm the last man standing... And that's also another issue! I think after some time posting, you will find that the way it works around here becomes a bit clearer, and it stops feeling so "personal" when stuff like that happens. (hopefully it will get feeling better) At least that's the way it worked out for me. Anyway, I've been looking for an opportunity to say hi to you and intoduce myself, but I just never seemed to bump into you before this. It is a pleasure to have you here. That sounds like a sweet doggy you have there.

Thanks to BG, and the others here who helped me with my "depressing" post before... I just wanted to say that, as well. BG, that is so sweet that you would sit my kidlets for me.

Welcome, Morgs, since I never got the chance to say it before now...

BG, thanks for this thread...

Hi Beebs
First - your post wasn't depressing, it just is!! You helped me feel more normal!!! I'm a major lurkdom dweller and have followed your story and all the words of wisdom you pass on - feel like I know you already!!
Thanks so much for your welcome and advice. Will try to take the time to fit in here!
Morgs

Hey Morgs, welcome from me too. I'm sorry not to have taken the time before - there's been so much happening on the boards and limited time, etc, but you're certainly not 'killing threads'. It's a real pleasure to have you here and to see your contributions.

Sometimes I wonder if we should have a separate Newbies-welcome thread, but I don't know if that would help or not. I reckon you'll feel more comfy as people get to know you better, but in the meantime hope you can imagine any lack of response after your posts as incidental non-verbalisation - friendly smiles and nods in a room where lots of chatter is happening - rather than a cross or disinterested silence. Your suggestion on Frog's thread that we all take a breather was welcome to me in particular, and smart I thought, and if I hadn't been actively taking that necessary breather I would have said so!

So hang in there till it feels better, ok?

xxJones

aha, yes, lurkdom. I've spent a fair bit of time there myself! It is nice to "see" you though...btw...I like your avatar.

Beebs

Hi to you too Jones and many thanks for your encouragement! About the Newbies-welcome thread - great idea but as you've said, there's is so much going on it wouldn't work. We newbies have to feel our way and 'God forbid' say when we feel out of it or whatever with you more established family members. Re Frog's thread - wasn't worried about Frog - there was great support - but still concerned for Echo - there was just so much pain coming across I hope she gets some assistance and returns!
Jones, thanks again and please take care of you too!


Beebs - glad you 'like' the avatar - it seemed fitting when I was looking for a 'real' emotional depiction!!
Morgs

Oh Deepfried
I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad!! I understand what you're going through so well -are you my twin?? I think you tell your DBT T exactly what you've said here - you know the problem, you know how to and will deal with it and you really need her to hand you the tissues and sit with you quietly while you deal with your pain.
I'll be thinking of you and even though at a distance, will sit with you DF.
Hugs
Morgs

Me too, DF...we hear you.

I hope you really can go in and ask for a "problem solving-free" session. You so badly need that- to have someone there with you in your pain, yes.

((((((DF))))))

BB

quote:

This is a good one, Jones. I need to do better at this. (She says while she hangs out in the forum, completely distracted from the dirty dishes to her right...)

quote:

haha, this made me smile BG, this is sooo familiar!


Morgs: Sorry for not welcomed you yet- its good to have you here! I hope you didnt felt ignored when posting on my thread (?) - i look forwared to get to know you better too