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Hrm, that's a tough one. I have brought up similar things with my T, but I always see him in person. However, I usually can't even make enough eye contact to observe his reactions and lately haven't been able to even talk much. The only way I've been able to express some of my frustrations is in writing (text/email). I would suggest doing that or at least writing down and reading what you want to say (asking her for feedback at certain points), but it has kind of backfired on me, because I have become less able to talk, rather than write, what I need to say to him. I'll keep mulling it over.
I think what you have written down here might be a good place to start. It sounds calm and clear.
Hey LG,
Since you said you are worried about her feeling criticized, I think going with the angle that you feel the phone has a lot of limitations and you would like to try Skype would be good. There’s definitely a difference between saying “You are a horrible listener and never give me any feedback!!” (exaggeration), or saying, “I feel like it’s hard to know that you are really listening over the phone when I can’t also see that you listening.”
I also thought I’d share my experience with phone sessions, because I feel a lot of the same things you were describing about phone sessions with my T. Actually, every single thing you described is how I feel about phone sessions! I never feel like I get good feedback on the phone. I feel like my T is a lot more professional on the phone and never gives me any of the same comfort that he does in session. I also know exactly what you mean by not knowing if they are really interested. I hate telling stories to my T over the phone because when I’m talking I have no idea if he’s really listening or not… so I end up pausing every few seconds to say, “are you there?!” “hello!” or “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENIGN TO ME!!!!!!!!” And then if I finish my story and he doesn't respond I feel like there was no point in even telling the story because I guess he doesn’t even care anyway! But in therapy it doesn’t bother me if he doesn’t respond other than saying “ohhhh…” or “mmmmm” because I can see that he is listening. Also, we can never go into anything deep on the phone. I feel way too insecure with not knowing if he is really listening, and also I don’t feel safe enough not seeing his face, and I also don’t feel any of his warm and caring nature over the phone, so that leads back to not feeling safe enough. My point of saying all this is that I don’t feel any of these things when we are in session, it only happens when we have to have a phone session.
Mac
Since you said you are worried about her feeling criticized, I think going with the angle that you feel the phone has a lot of limitations and you would like to try Skype would be good. There’s definitely a difference between saying “You are a horrible listener and never give me any feedback!!” (exaggeration), or saying, “I feel like it’s hard to know that you are really listening over the phone when I can’t also see that you listening.”
I also thought I’d share my experience with phone sessions, because I feel a lot of the same things you were describing about phone sessions with my T. Actually, every single thing you described is how I feel about phone sessions! I never feel like I get good feedback on the phone. I feel like my T is a lot more professional on the phone and never gives me any of the same comfort that he does in session. I also know exactly what you mean by not knowing if they are really interested. I hate telling stories to my T over the phone because when I’m talking I have no idea if he’s really listening or not… so I end up pausing every few seconds to say, “are you there?!” “hello!” or “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENIGN TO ME!!!!!!!!” And then if I finish my story and he doesn't respond I feel like there was no point in even telling the story because I guess he doesn’t even care anyway! But in therapy it doesn’t bother me if he doesn’t respond other than saying “ohhhh…” or “mmmmm” because I can see that he is listening. Also, we can never go into anything deep on the phone. I feel way too insecure with not knowing if he is really listening, and also I don’t feel safe enough not seeing his face, and I also don’t feel any of his warm and caring nature over the phone, so that leads back to not feeling safe enough. My point of saying all this is that I don’t feel any of these things when we are in session, it only happens when we have to have a phone session.
Mac
We cross posted but I like the ideas you have! A review of your work is totally appropriate.
lg, your last commment sounded great. yes, alway point out what you like, altho we shouldn't have to be so wary of stepping on toes.
i do think i would have a hard time not imagining that they are playing scrabble on their iphone if i couldn't watch them.
you may have said, but, why NOT in person?? distance?? comfort??
i talked to a t in ny once about 'schema therapy', but felt i am not trusting enough to think they would really be with me.
sometimes i 'go silent' if they aren't saying enough. and i'll outlast ANYONE on that deal. they always have spoken first. don't know how that would play out on the phone.
do talk about it tho, not that it is easy, but your concerns are valid.
i do think i would have a hard time not imagining that they are playing scrabble on their iphone if i couldn't watch them.
you may have said, but, why NOT in person?? distance?? comfort??
i talked to a t in ny once about 'schema therapy', but felt i am not trusting enough to think they would really be with me.
sometimes i 'go silent' if they aren't saying enough. and i'll outlast ANYONE on that deal. they always have spoken first. don't know how that would play out on the phone.
do talk about it tho, not that it is easy, but your concerns are valid.
lg, now i recall that. y'no? haven't you, too, mentioned that there is alot you can't say to her?? because of your relationship early??
i am glad you are seeing someone local, too.
this is all so confusing. this crazy t stuff. 'who do i go to, who not'...i have just been through this, as you know.
i really have no good advise, other than to go with your hunch on things, whatever it is. i have t-wise, i feel pretty good about it, and i know for me, for whatever reason, NOW is the time to go to one t.
yes, i hate the answering a question with a question routine...therapist 101. i need to not let that work anymore. i am such an easy client, for a man.
me me me, but, i just had a thought. i am going to start pretending that dr. pa is a woman...see if i can get some dialouge going, instead of the flipping pleasing stuff.
oh, back to you. one thing i thought, is, i think another therapist 101 word they LOVE, is 'helpful'. well, i have turned it on them lately, and perhaps you could just tell her 'what has been helpful' to you. another passive aggressive thing i do, or is this masochistic...i do 'em all. is, i say, 'i feel like i am talking too much, and not letting you say what you want to say.' i always put it on my back. probably not good, but,
see how lousy my advise is???
jill (i handle life like a five year old)
shoulda seen me pitchin' a fit having to go to church today....nothing has really changed, my id still rules.
i am glad you are seeing someone local, too.
this is all so confusing. this crazy t stuff. 'who do i go to, who not'...i have just been through this, as you know.
i really have no good advise, other than to go with your hunch on things, whatever it is. i have t-wise, i feel pretty good about it, and i know for me, for whatever reason, NOW is the time to go to one t.
yes, i hate the answering a question with a question routine...therapist 101. i need to not let that work anymore. i am such an easy client, for a man.
me me me, but, i just had a thought. i am going to start pretending that dr. pa is a woman...see if i can get some dialouge going, instead of the flipping pleasing stuff.
oh, back to you. one thing i thought, is, i think another therapist 101 word they LOVE, is 'helpful'. well, i have turned it on them lately, and perhaps you could just tell her 'what has been helpful' to you. another passive aggressive thing i do, or is this masochistic...i do 'em all. is, i say, 'i feel like i am talking too much, and not letting you say what you want to say.' i always put it on my back. probably not good, but,
see how lousy my advise is???
jill (i handle life like a five year old)shoulda seen me pitchin' a fit having to go to church today....nothing has really changed, my id still rules.
Hi LG,
I think your first post is terrific. It doesn't sound defensive and communicates your feelings. I have a few reservations about asking her how she feels the phone thing is working out. Because at the end of the day, the important thing is how YOU feel. And, what if she says she's happy with it and thinks it's working fine, will you back down then and be afraid to tell her what you need to tell her? You miss so much nonverbal over the phone that I think the skype thing would be great. IMO.
I think your first post is terrific. It doesn't sound defensive and communicates your feelings. I have a few reservations about asking her how she feels the phone thing is working out. Because at the end of the day, the important thing is how YOU feel. And, what if she says she's happy with it and thinks it's working fine, will you back down then and be afraid to tell her what you need to tell her? You miss so much nonverbal over the phone that I think the skype thing would be great. IMO.