Hi Ms. Control, I really do not believe it was you that was the issue. I believe what happened was because you were seeing T's that are not adequately trained and/or do not have experience in depth psychotherapy which is WAY different than a "counseling" relationship or CBT therapy.

I truly believe it takes an experienced and well trained T (who had done their own work) to work with trauma survivors and those with attachment injury. Inexperienced T's are not familiar with the intense feelings and reactions that take place in this kind of therapy and they have no experience with the "process" and the importance of the relationship itself. My T firmly believes that without the relationship, it's almost impossible to fully heal from trauma and abuse. When inexperienced T's come face to face with the intense feelings generated from the relationship they tend to get scared and think they have done something wrong to cause this. What they are unaware of is this is supposed to happen and it happens almost naturally when the "fit" between patient and T is right. This is the whole point.

The only thing I can tell you is to persevere in finding the right T for you but you need to look in the right places. Your best bet would be to seek out a T experienced in trauma and abuse and who has some knowledge of attachment and how that works and who encourages the relationship between client and T and is not afraid of it.

I was abandoned by my first T. Then when I went searching for a new T I saw 4 before staying with my current T (#5). One of the others I had seen betrayed me badly with oldT and I left her immediately. She was not going to get a second chance to hurt me. I knew my current T was the right T for me when during an introductory initial ten minute phone call he told me attachment was good and healthy and supposed to happen.

Keep looking and don't settle for anything less that what meets your requirements for the T that will help you heal.

TN

Everything TN has written is true.

AND

You are not a failure. You are not "the problem." It sounds like you just haven't found a good match yet. Write your list of questions. You are hiring a T. Interview some. When I was looking for current T, I also met with several before finally going back to the first T I talked with. Some of the Ts were a little surprised when I interrupted their history taking and actually took control of the session. It was hugely important for me to find a good T and I didn't want to go through some niceties and get-to-know-you or get a month of sessions over with before asking crucial questions. It was tricky, because they all were nice. Nice is good. It's not enough.

Keep trying MC. It is SO worth it.

-RT

Hi MsC,

I would also like to encourage you to keep trying to find a therapist that works for you. I was fortunate in when I first sought out a T two years ago I felt comfortable with the first one I tried, and have stuck with her ever since. Therapy, although difficult at times. can be so rewarding when you feel your T "gets you". And you feel comfortable enough with him/her to slowly begin to open up.

If I remember correctly we are both struggling with CPTSD. Obviously there are different types of therapy. My T utilizes CBT, which is a relatively new form of therapy (about 10yrs old). I don't know if you have tried it but it has worked well for me, and has received praise in psychology circles. Perhaps if you put together a list of attributes/qualities you are looking for in a T it will help you to find a good match.

None of us deserve to feel the way we do. Only when we find a T we are comfortable with can we begin down the road to recovery. I hope you can find it within yourself to continue that search, and that you will continue to reach out to others here for support. In the end we all share similar goals. Take care...

LongRoad

(((Ms. Control))))

All of that.

Check out Dr. Sue Elkind's book. She's a brilliant therapist who had two therapy "failures" while she was training to be a therapist. She felt more harmed than helped, as many of us have. She has spent her life devoted to understanding what happened and why and what can be done about it.

Are you willing to consider seeing a woman therapist?

(((MC))) So many of your feelings and what you are struggling with and even your taking all the blame are very common responses for people who suffered long term childhood trauma.

There is nothing wrong with you to make you unloveable or unwanted (you seem quite lovely based on interactions here), the fault lay in your caregiver's failing to give you want you needed. And the sad truth is that even that had nothing to do with us. It was about them failing to manage their own issues enough to be present and give to their children. But as children we need our parents to remain "good" so we can feel safe AND we want to have some sense of control in a situation in which we are actually powerless, so we blame ourselves. After all, if something is wrong with me, then I can fix it and everything will be good, right?

I totally agree with TN, the kinds of difficulties that arise in the work with a trauma victim (btw, do not read that as you being difficult, its the material that is difficult to deal with) are such that unless a person is extremely gifted, a young therapist still in training is probably going to get overwhelmed.

I have also never know a trauma victim who did not require long term therapy. So seeing someone that is time-limited from the beginning (as happens with someone in a training/teaching situation) can be troublesome because part of what needs to be healed is knowing that you can trust and depend on someone to be there.

So of course, your Ts leaving is going to evoke these feelings of abandonment and being unworthy because you didn't have enough time to work through them and understand.

I know the feelings are really strong, so much so that they feel like they must be the truth, but it's clear from an outside perspective that you did not fail.

AG

(((Ms. Control)))

I just want to echo what others have said here. Although you felt a great connection to your first T, he was not experienced enough to deal with transference/attachment issues. My T specializes in trauma and has 40 years experience in the field. I have no doubt that's why he handles my feelings so well. I think anyone else would run away screaming. My T has assured me countless times that what I'm feeling is NORMAL and UNDERSTANDABLE. A T that is adequately equipped to handle your issues will not make you feel like a failure.

What you have is disorganized attachment. You so desperately want that warm, reassuring connection with a caregiver, but are terrified of getting close because they might hurt or abandon you. This does not make you a failure. This makes you a trauma survivor. And that's ok. But it is pain and fear that you're going to have to push through in order to establish a healthy T relationship.

Do what the others have suggested: call around, research, interview, and don't settle for another grad student.

Hi MC,

Here is the title:

Resolving Impasses in Therapeutic Relationships

It's great if you can get your hands on it.