Well, needless to say I feel bad for complaining about my own break when I know so many are in the midst of the same thing. I guess I need a place to write this out to someone, so thanks in advance.

I'm now on a 14 day break from my T (although she's working till Thursday), and..of course..I'm already struggling. My last session was yesterday (Tuesday) and it was good but a little unsettling. There's been a lot of stuff coming up lately that I'm just not used to and it makes me scared to go into a two week break and be by myself with this. At my session my T asked me how I felt about her leaving and I said that I was scared and also that I was nervous to be so dependent on her. She said that it makes her nervous, too. So we talked about ways I'll cope when she's gone and also at what point I should call the back-up T.

I tried to tell her that I'd be fine, that I've been coping fine (which is true) and that it won't be a big deal that she's gone. I kind of thought all of that would (and still may) be true, but a day later I've already thought seriously about calling her, which never happens. I felt so guilty for not being stable enough or whatever so that my T didn't have to be nervous or worried about how I'd deal over the next couple weeks.

So, today, I was in the middle of about a 2 1/2 hour drive and felt nauseous all the sudden and for no apparent reason. Feeling nauseous totally triggered...something and I completely broke down. I was still driving, thought I was okay. Well later, still crying, I started to have a panic attack (which doesn't happen often) and pulled over. After it passed I realized that there was a stretch of about 30 minutes that I don't remember at all. I know that that sort of thing happens a lot and isn't necessarily bad, but it didn't feel like normal "highway hypnosis" if you know what I mean. It felt more..blank or something. But I know I had been upset that whole time so it bothered me that I hadn't pulled over.

I thought for a long time about whether I should call my T because I was just feeling really, really unsettled and kind of a mess. And maybe last week I would have but after my T saying that my dependence made her nervous I decided not to call. My T is still in town, but I don't think I could handle it if anything I said made her think more that I'm not going to be able to deal with this break. Actually, I think worrying about that would make the break harder. I know I should trust that my T can take care of herself, but I still worry. A lot.

Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble. Thanks for reading and hugs to all who are going through breaks right now.