I hope your session goes well, K! I am sure your T will understand about you having lots to talk about!

MTF

You made it (((((((kashley))))))))))

Been a bit quiet. but thinking about you still...

((MTF)) (((Starfish)) ((DF))

Thank you guys for the support. It was nice to be back with my T. T was worried about me losing time while I was driving and wanted me to make sure that anyone who is out while I'm driving is old enough and capable of it. I told her about how the dissociation seemed to have been triggered by feeling nauseous (I also felt nauseous when I had more detailed memories). T asked me why I thought the nausea caused my dissociation and I couldn't (or, didn't want to) say anything. I don't want to put a name to it. T was kind of pushing me to acknowledge the stuff in the memories coming up recently to help get in touch with those parts that were triggered, but I said I couldn't acknowledge it yet. She asked me why I thought I dissociated and I couldn't verbalize the reason for that, either. She was okay with me not being ready to put words to it yet.

She also helped me come up with strategies to deal with stuff regarding things that have gone on the past few days. I've spent the past couple days expecting a furious phone call from my father and it's worsened my headaches and kept me scared about when it will come. T was saying stuff about how he doesn't have the right to yell at me and that we don't actually "make" people mad, that they are responsible for their reactions. I told her that it seems like, if I make him mad, then I should allow myself to be hurt because it's my fault. I'm afraid my T is going to get frustrated with me because it still seems like he can yell at me if I "make" him mad. Oh well. I feel ridiculous for being scared of a phone call.

I felt a lot of emotion welling up the whole time but kept it in because I didn't want to fall apart in the first session after she came back. We were also in a different room, and I didn't see a tissue box. So, all in all, I'm glad my T is back, but I'm also scared to keep dredging stuff up.

Thanks guys for your support through all of this.

K,

Glad your session went okay. I get the whole thing about feeling like we 'make' people mad, sad, etc. I am like that, too. I hope you can get to the point where you don't feel that way anymore. No, your dad doesn't have the right to yell at you, and you don't have to take his anger as your fault. I hope if he does call that things go better than you are thinking they will.

I hope you can allow your emotions to come up next session. I know I usually feel a lot better when I let mine out, even though it's scary sometimes.

Hugs,
MTF

Thanks MTF. It's kind of odd to me...my T saying he doesn't have the right. I don't think she's ever explicitly said that before and so I'm like, "really?" I actually asked her that. Most times there's some part that knows something isn't right, but this is a very foreign concept to me. It seems like it's fully within anyone's rights to yell at me. Not true, apparently. Huh.

T said she was open on Friday so I took the session. I was afraid to sit with all of this feeling for too long so I'm thankful I only have to wait a few days. That is, if I'm still feeling things by the time Friday rolls around!

Thanks MTF. Hugs to you. I also hope, someday, you don't have to feel that way anymore. Thanks for your support.

Hi guys,

I don't really want to post a new thread about this because it just seems like it would be too much, but I really need to just get some of this out because it's got my stomach in knots.

The more time that goes on in therapy and the more exploring my T and I do, the more I'm realizing that these parts I have are more separate than I thought they were. In other words, as I'm getting to know them more, I'm realizing that they feel very separate from me, and yet I still hear them in my head? I'm not explaining this well. Yesterday I was sitting there with my T and something she said triggered this one part that started yelling at the scared part for saying anything that went against what it seemed like our childhood was like. And I explained to my T that it was like I was just neutral and I was there, hearing what these two parts were saying to each other (rather, what the defending part was yelling at the scared part). She asked me if I could say what they were saying, but I said that it felt like I physically couldn't. She asked if another part could step in and say it, but I felt stuck. Sometimes it's like I get inklings or feelings that there are other parts in there somewhere, but they are so disconnected that I have no way to get in touch with them.

I'm honestly just scared. I'm probably overreacting about everything. Before I left I happened to see a couple books sitting on my T's desk (that had been taken off of her bookshelf)...they kind of scared me even more. I'm going to try and talk to T about this a little next week, to ask her what she thinks about all of this, but I pretty much know I won't get a straight answer. I know it's mainly because she doesn't like to label things...I don't know, maybe a straight answer isn't what I need. I have no clue what I need!

Ironically, I feel closer to my T lately, which is nice. It's no fun that it has to come with this kind of territory, but I guess that's the nature of therapy.

Thanks guys, sorry to vent.

Kashley,

I know it's scary as I've been there. You are describing what happens to me in daily life and in therapy. I'll be sitting there in T and she'll ask something and I'll quickly answer, but then I'll hear someone else answer or arguing back and forth between parts. They feel very separate from me and sometimes I will even start to laugh if one of them blurts out something particularly funny. It's weird because it's in my head, but it's like hearing someone else say it. Intellectually I know that all of the parts are me, but they don't feel like me at all. They are them and I am me. The more that you get to know parts and the structure of how things work the easier it gets, but it can be unsettling at first.

(((hugs)))

Thanks STRM. Yesterday was the first time that I think I realized they've been there, I just haven't been able to hear them (or allowed myself to hear them), if that makes sense. Toward the end of the session I start to dissociate and my head didn't really go blank, it just got muddled and it was kind of like the voices were smothered rather than eliminated, which made me realize that I think that's what makes my head feel so..full (for lack of a better word).

I'm afraid I'm too much for my T...trusting her kinda sucks.

Kashley - I haven't been following this whole thread since early on (I'm sorry, less time on forums lately!), but just felt drawn to click on it right now for some reason and read your last few posts. So, I don't know the whole background here, but I do want to say that what you are experiencing is some of what I started either noticing or realizing wasn't typical of most peoples' experiences in the last six months or so. I get what you're saying about that "full" feeling here too. I am not saying I know or don't know what's going on for you as dissociation is a spectrum and I'm still not even 100% sure where I myself fall in terms of "labels." I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to it from my recent experiences. The best advice I can give is to be honest with your T about your experiences and fears (as much as it feels safe to do so) and just go slowly and gently with yourself. Just as STRM said, if/when the structure/roles become apparent, it can become less unsettling.

STRM - I'm glad I'm not the only one who randomly laughs at loud at the commentary. I have my T asking me, "What's so funny?!" a few times a session, because he's being left out of jokes. Often, they are sarcastic or teasing comments about him, something he has said, his God-stuff...but he has been good-natured about it when I tell him (apologetically) what is being said. You describe really well the intellectually knowing something is internal vs experiencing it as not native to yourself.

quote:

Ironically, I feel closer to my T lately, which is nice.

Hi Kashley,

Sometimes when we start to feel closer or safer with our T's then we are able to access things we have had locked away for many years and tried to ignore or suppress.

I have not had the experiences that are described here so I don't have much helpful advice. In my case it's more the issue I struggle with is that pesky inner child who holds the pain and fears and has not been integrated. That is not really a part more like a self-state or emotional personality of mine. It's me not an alter.

I do think you are in good hands and I encourage you to share as much as you can with your T. When I tell my T that I'm afraid to tell him things because of what he will think of me he reminds me that he just considers what I tell him as "information" which he will then use to help me. He is not there to judge in any way, just to listen. That seems to help me for some reason.

I also encourage you to keep posting and talking about your feelings. Sometimes it helps to find clarity in the situation and the support is always helpful.

Hugs
TN

(((((Kashley)))))

Sorry you are feeling scared, but it was nice to read that you are feeling closer with T now.

What were the books that she had pulled from her bookshelf that were scary to you? (if you feel comfortable sharing)

((Yaku)) ((TN)) Thank you both.

No apologies necessary, Yaku. I don't really know where I fall on the spectrum. I have lost time occasionally (and there are more times lately where I don't remember a bunch of small things), but I don't know. It seems like, as I'm becoming more aware of my parts, I'm having more episodes of dissociation.

TN,

quote:

When I tell my T that I'm afraid to tell him things because of what he will think of me he reminds me that he just considers what I tell him as "information" which he will then use to help me.

I like the way your T explained that. I'm finding myself very afraid to go any further with my T on this because I'm scared she'll just not know what to do with me and leave. Of course, I'm also finding myself increasingly worried that I have about a year left with my T before I go to grad school which (more than likely) won't be the same school I'm doing my undergrad. I'm scared to let more problems come out.

T has been nothing but kind and understanding about everything. She's been scheduling me at the end of her days so that we aren't limited by time. We've been doing 90 minutes mostly, but recently we've had a few sessions that have gone about 2 hours.

I feel dramatic for saying this but it feels like...this "whole" person I've pretended to be for so long is now collapsing into the pieces that I've been inside all along? It's just confusing, I guess.

Thank you for the support..I'd be losing it without you all!

Hey LG, sorry we cross-posted.

I didn't post at first because I'm feeling a little paranoid, so I'll post it now but may delete (but that's probably pointless, since I'm being specific about everything else). Anyway, they were Trauma and Recovery and a book about DID (but it was older so it was titled MPD). The book on trauma intimidated me because I still don't really accept that I have trauma in my past. My T has been trying to get me to acknowledge it, but I can't even say the word out loud, let alone what the "trauma" was. I could be totally overreacting because it could be for someone else for sure, but I can't help but wonder, you know?

Thanks LG.

quote:

I have lost time occasionally (and there are more times lately where I don't remember a bunch of small things), but I don't know. It seems like, as I'm becoming more aware of my parts, I'm having more episodes of dissociation.

Kashley - It's like time traveling back a few months to hear you say that and the statements of detachment from the idea of "trauma." This may not be the case for you, but what I've discovered is that there are a lot of historical dissociation experiences that I kind of just rationalized away (like my car accident in October, which I called "distraction," but in reality was time loss) and awareness of very different states/ways of being going back half a lifetime ago.

quote:

I feel dramatic for saying this but it feels like...this "whole" person I've pretended to be for so long is now collapsing into the pieces that I've been inside all along? It's just confusing, I guess.

I think it's normal to be confused when you're under this much stress and that's something probably every one can relate to in a way. Therapy gets one to confront things about themselves that they haven't consciously realized before and make changes at a deep level that can definitely challenge your sense of identity. It must be so disorienting to be experiencing this while in another major life-transition to do with your schooling.

I'm glad your T is being so supportive (the later evening sessions are so helpful to me as well). It must be really scary to think of going off to another grad school. Do you think you could talk to your T about those fears? It may be something where she can work on support and transition for months ahead of time or provide phone support for you while you take your time finding the right fit of someone else to work with if you absolutely have to. I know that must be terrifying to allow yourself to continue to attach and depend on your T under these circumstances, but I hope you are able to do so. ((((((kashley)))))))

Yaku,

I kind of notoriously have a bad memory, but there are times lately that I wonder if maybe it has to do with dissociation. I chalk it all up to not paying attention which may be the case sometimes but who knows. There are lots of times where I'll be having a conversation with someone and totally zone out, not thinking about anything, but not hearing what they are saying. I think that's happened for a long time. My T brought up a period of time earlier this year when I had trouble knowing what day it was and sometimes the time was just a few numbers that didn't mean anything, saying that was dissociation. But it's also hard to think and remember these things because there's so much that I just simply don't remember! I can sort of remember more things since I've been in college, but high school is iffy and before that is even harder to remember anything. Although, most of my memory problems from back then are tied to home...I'm able to remember a bit from school and other places, just not home.

What's odd to me about the parts and hearing them is that the time I hear them the clearest in when I'm in session with my T. I think that's what makes me think I'm making this up...sometimes it seems like they are so loud in session and outside of sessions they are normally either something like background noise or like this...indiscernible kind of static. Yesterday I remembered though that there are times (which has happened for years) where I'll be doing something and suddenly notice this conversation going on in my head that seems totally random. But it's not a conversation "I" am having...it's someone else. I had never thought much of it..it was just this weird quirk I had, but who knows.

I feel a little more able to broach the subject of grad school now than I would have a few months ago. Up until recently I felt like it was so, so, so wrong to need my T at all, so I just wouldn't acknowledge it. It's still wrong-ish to me, but I feel a little more capable of talking about it. I actually thought T was going to bring it up yesterday because she started off saying that she wanted to talk about how we "end things". It freaked me out a little when she said that, but she was actually just talking about whether or not I feel I want to stick with 90 minute sessions for now (we've gone back and forth between 60 and 90 minutes), that she didn't like how we had to end so abruptly earlier in the week. Although this thing with grad school has been in the back of my mind since I started with my T, I think the worries and fears about it got kicked up a bit when I thought she was talking about it for a minute yesterday.

I'm kind of wishing I hadn't told T that I was fine waiting a week for another session. But if I take a session earlier in the week we'll have to be in someone else's office, which I really would rather not do. That's ok for chit chat stuff, but I just feel more comfortable discussing all of this stuff when we are in her office.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for your support!

I don't know if this helps, but I am just going to quote a bunch of stuff here...

quote:

I chalk it all up to not paying attention which may be the case sometimes but who knows. There are lots of times where I'll be having a conversation with someone and totally zone out, not thinking about anything, but not hearing what they are saying.

Yes, these are experiences I have had a lot. I am incredibly good at faking having paid attention to a conversation as a result. I recently got told by a friend who I have been disclosing some therapy stuff to that he has noticed for years that I freeze and go blank at very simple questions that someone he views "as intelligent" as I am should not struggle with, but he always just assumed it was some sort of quirk and I was "processing." He has known me over 12 years since I was just entering college.

quote:

I can sort of remember more things since I've been in college, but high school is iffy and before that is even harder to remember anything. Although, most of my memory problems from back then are tied to home...I'm able to remember a bit from school and other places, just not home.

This is nearly exactly my experience. Once I moved out of my home, I had a good run of almost a decade where my memory was pretty good and the experience I now know to label as dissociative were relatively minor. I still had my "states" and chatter than I have always had, but not so many blank outs, depersonalization, etc. during college, luckily. Nearly all clear memories of childhood are school-related and even most of those are still general, "Things were like ..." sort of what I am now calling "filler" memories, with very few specific incidents. That in itself might not mean anything, as I know there are others who have extreme memory problems in childhood, especially early childhood. What I found most baffling is that I didn't realize I had any memory problems, because of all these fillers that are just general concepts of a childhood, or actual photographs I have seen and stories I have heard which have "become" memories to me. It's a bit confusing...

quote:

What's odd to me about the parts and hearing them is that the time I hear them the clearest in when I'm in session with my T. I think that's what makes me think I'm making this up...sometimes it seems like they are so loud in session and outside of sessions they are normally either something like background noise or like this...indiscernible kind of static.

Well, you say it is odd, but it doesn't seem odd to me. The way I have tried to analyze it in my case is that "attachment" has always been one of my major triggers. Getting close in relationships is what activates all my defenses and dissociation at it's core is a defense and a lot of disorders like BPD, CPTSD, DID, etc. are thought to be linked to disorganized attachment. T is the first deep attachment I have formed in over a decade, so it makes sense to me (logically) that he would trigger those defenses. I have found that as I am accepting my connection with him (more safety to proceed with processing actual "stuff"), the chatter has gotten more discernible outside of therapy. Again, I'm just some random person on the internet with nothing but personal experience to offer, so I can't say whether it would be the same for you or not. Obviously, these experiences need to be defined in the context of your therapy, so I want to be careful (as others were with me) to give you time and space to figure out whatever feels right and makes most sense for you on your own. I do know that it helped to hear that others had these same experiences up to and including the extreme sense of denial ("I must be making this up or have created it somehow!") which I experience daily.

I can understand not wanting to meet in another office and I'm sorry you weren't able to get another session as a result. I do find in my case that as I have gotten more stable in the attachment stuff with my T, I am able to just tell him what I need and what works for me. Like, he is now turning on his desk lamp so it can be dim for me, which feel safer than overhead lights. He is giving me the later sessions I need and has been giving me closer to the 90-minute sessions that feel best to me. I think the best thing is just to be very honest with your T as you go what feels safest for you and most comfortable. Letting my T meet those needs (like turning off the light, moving the table, etc.) has been really hard for me to do, as receiving something that is just for me is scary...but it really has made it easier to stay connected and grounded in therapy. So, even if she can't meet a need (like getting her office for a second session), letting her know that you need those sort of things to feel safe to do real work in a session may allow her to plan around that sort of thing in the future. I can't tell you how good it felt this week to walk in to T's office and have the overhead lights already off and the desk lamp on, showing me he was "preparing" for me before I even came in.

Anyway, sorry that I have gone off rambling too. I don't want to take over your thread with all my own stuff, just I know that it can be scary to experience this kind of thing if you feel no one can relate to it. I think you'll find a lot of people with a lot of different backgrounds on this forum can relate to some of your experiences.

I'm about to quote a bunch of stuff back at you.

quote:

I am incredibly good at faking having paid attention to a conversation as a result.

My dad is horrible about listening to people and will pretend that he is but if you know him really well, you can tell when he isn't listening (which is often!!). I remember that my mom has *always* been sensitive to whether or not I'm listening to her and anytime I got that far off look or had to ask her to repeat herself she was (is) always frustrated and hurt. I've learned to really work hard to pay attention when she's talking to me to make sure I hear everything she's saying. Sometimes I still have to pretend I heard what she said. Whenever I would space out I would think, with huge dread, that I must be like my father since that happens so often to me! So, on the one hand, I guess it's a little bit of a relief.

quote:

Nearly all clear memories of childhood are school-related and even most of those are still general, "Things were like ..." sort of what I am now calling "filler" memories, with very few specific incidents.

This is exactly how it is for me. I don't really think of *any* of my memories as being clear. Everything is blurry, fuzzy. By itself I don't think of that meaning much, and I really shy away from labeling things prematurely (or at all) but in the context of everything else it might make sense...maybe. I also relate to pictures becoming memories. I have several of those. And I also didn't realize I had so few memories of my childhood until I entered therapy and was asked questions about it. I had, and often still have, to say "I don't know" to almost everything I was asked!

What you say about attachment triggering those defenses makes sense to me. I don't know if that's what it is for me or not. I feel like I am only just now starting to feel close/become attached to T, so I can't say. It's bothered me that it's taken this long to feel close to her, too. I've known for a long time that some part of me (maybe an actual "part") has wanted to feel close to T, but other parts don't want that and won't let it happen. I thought maybe I was incapable of attachment or something, and I still frequently think that. But hearing these parts (and hearing their hurt) makes it a little easier to understand I suppose. I appreciate you and everyone else sharing your experiences with all of this. I think I've learned pretty well not to let anything here influence my therapy, but it helps *tremendously* to know that some of these things that seem crazy outlandish may not be. It helps me ease up a little on myself when I'm able to see that this stuff isn't exclusive to my crazy self.

quote:

I do find in my case that as I have gotten more stable in the attachment stuff with my T, I am able to just tell him what I need and what works for me.

This is encouraging to me, because that's what I am very, very, very slowly starting to see and experience for myself. It's like grinding nails on a chalkboard to get me to ask T for anything. I'm just not brave when it comes to this stuff. I'll see about broaching the subject regarding her room for sessions. I've never told her in the year and a half that I've worked with her that I don't feel comfortable going into deeper things if we're not in her room. Even if she can't meet that need, she'd probably be happy that I simply *stated* a need. Ts are weird like that.

Please don't worry about sharing too much...you're perfectly fine. Thank you for your support...I always really appreciate your posts. I'm going to go take a break and distract or something..feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. ((hugs))

Kashley,

If you'd like some more up to date reading, my favorite book so far (and I have them all ) is called The Family Inside. It does a really good job of explaining parts and how things can happen.

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I space off during conversations as well. Frequently I do this on the phone. I'll get off and my H will ask me, "oh, what did so and so say?" I think for a second and I usually answer, "I have no idea" and I really don't. My best friend can tell if she calls and doesn't get "me", but other people don't realize.

I have spotty memory as well. I'm just now starting to get a few neutral of positive memories filtering in. Otherwise most are bad or only related to school. I can name every teacher from every school year and picture the classroom and where it was in the building. The playgrounds, the gym in vivid detail. I can also do this with my childhood homes. I frequently "walk through" all three levels of the home that I grew up in the longest. I even "walk" the backyard and outbuildings. There is a part that literally just wanders the house over and over and over. It's torture and I hate it. I have ages that I have quite a few trauma memories from and then ages that I can't remember much at all.

What really bothers me is more recent things that I can't recall. My H will tell me about things we did or places we've been and I have no idea what he's talking about. He has a really good memory so usually he is right. It's so odd how the brain works. I remember some things in such vivid detail that I can tell you what was sitting on the dresser that I stared at while being abused, what the wallpaper looked like, the sun streaming in the room etc., but if you ask something else it's a complete blank or a very blurry "tip of the tongue" type sensation when I try to recall. However, I generally don't lose too much time and have pretty good day to day (at least pieced together) recall of events.

For what it's worth, as far as attachment to T. I have parts that are very attached and parts that are convinced we are making a HUGE mistake by being involved with T. Even with the attached parts we go back and forth with how much we let T in and how comfortable we are with her. It is really frustrating because during times they are terrified and need her the most they can't reach out because they are frozen, but they really want to.

I read that book on STRM's recommendation and also found it accessible and useful. I found it used on Amazon for about $6 after shipping. It helped me be less stressed about the idea of what therapy might look like as well.

Thanks for the book suggestion, STRM. I'll look into that.

The reason I often think I just have a crap memory is because pretty much none of my memories are vivid. Some are clearer than others, but even those make me feel like I almost have to squint and try and make them clearer because they're still blurry. I would have thought that maybe some of my memories would be pretty clear, but they aren't and it frustrates me.

quote:

I have parts that are very attached and parts that are convinced we are making a HUGE mistake by being involved with T. Even with the attached parts we go back and forth with how much we let T in and how comfortable we are with her. It is really frustrating because during times they are terrified and need her the most they can't reach out because they are frozen, but they really want to.

You put into words what I couldn't...that's exactly what it feels like to me. The two parts that were fighting the other day, that's partly what it was about, was letting T in. Hmm. For better or worse, this is starting to make more sense to me.

I'm just scared to feel right now, more than I usually am, because that's when the dissociation (and other stuff) amps up. I know that allowing myself to feel is the way forward, but gosh it feels so wrong and scary and just dangerous.

Thanks, STRM.

Thanks Yaku...good to hear that it's cheap on Amazon. Cheap is good.

quote:

I'm just scared to feel right now, more than I usually am, because that's when the dissociation (and other stuff) amps up. I know that allowing myself to feel is the way forward, but gosh it feels so wrong and scary and just dangerous.

Yep! This is exactly what happens to me as well. I am keenly aware of it in T, but mostly I guess because she calls attention to it. As soon as I feel threatened or things start to get intense it's like "poof...away she goes". It does get easier over time and once you start to figure out how things work and who/what might be in your mind.

(((STRM))) Thanks for your support.

quote:

As soon as I feel threatened or things start to get intense it's like "poof...away she goes".

My T said something similar to that a while back, that I try to escape any time things are too intense or I feel like I'm stuck in a situation. It will be nice to be able to work out where (or from whom?) this stuff is coming from. I've spent the last few days doing 180's from being numb to completely breaking down out of nowhere.

Last night I decided I'd call T today and ask for an earlier appointment than Friday, but I woke up numb and spent the whole day going over all of the reasons why I shouldn't call her. Then this evening I was a mess again. I don't know if I should call her or not because I don't want to waste her time if I end up staying numb for this extra session that I ask for.

This is ridiculous. I feel like I should just be able to handle this stuff. Yuck.

((((Kashley))))

Call your T. Even leave a message. Call now, it's never too late for a voicemail. It never hurts to ask!

(Speaking from experience - the people on this board encouraged me to call my T when I was getting desperate and much to my surprise, my T was there for me. Made a HUGE difference!)

If a call seems like it has a chance of helping, I definitely think it's worth it. Even numb is something to work through if it's bothering you, which it seems like it is. Numb can be distressing in its own way, in my experience. (((hugs))) no matter what you decide.

R2G, DF, Yaku, thank you. I typically call my T's cell phone if I need to get in touch with her (although she does have an answering service). I'm going to call her first thing in the morning, and I'm going to make myself do it whether I'm numb or a total wreck. You'd think that after nearly a year and a half of working with her I wouldn't be so freaking phobic about calling her, especially because she's told me more times than I can count that I can call her if I need to. No clue why it's so hard.

I'm normally used to being numb because that's all I've been for years (although I didn't realize it until I entered therapy). But it is harder to deal with now because...well I'm not exactly sure. It just bothers me a lot more now.

Thanks guys...If I don't die of anxiety before I call her, I'll update here.

Soo..I guess the second time I've ever called her unexpectedly and really needed to talk, she wasn't able to call me back today..just like the first time (the first time she said she didn't see I had called until the next morning). I think I must have horrible timing. I didn't call until later this afternoon, and the thing that finally forced me to call was that something happened (nothing big, but my reaction was kind of ridiculous), and I've been crying for hours and having SI/SU thoughts. Seriously!? And I feel guilty, because I don't want her to feel bad or anything. I know I shouldn't worry about that, but I do. Ugh.

I'm sure she'll call back tomorrow, but I think I'm going to feel totally stupid about my reaction today.

I am still very phone-phobic myself Kashley. I had quite a day today, and while I don't *need* to talk to my T, I just want to hear her voice - but that means calling and leaving a message saying exactly that! I'll get there.

In the mean time, you did good by calling - I know it is NOT easy! Remember you can't control anyone else's feelings - T will deal however she needs to deal. Did you specifically ask for a call back? I would imagine she had one of those days and will get back to you as soon as she can sit down and have a few minutes.

The numbness played an important role in life, at least for me, but now that I am working with my T, I don't have much choice but to feel more. Do I like it? Heck no! I can't stand when the feelings and emotions wash over me unexpectedly. But my T pointed out that it is better to feel than to numb out - the only way out is through...

(((Kashley)))

((((kashley))))) I'm glad you reached out, but sorry that your T didn't respond. I know how that can fuel those difficult feelings and blow them up even larger than they are, even as we intellectually know that the therapeutic relationship isn't threatened.

I don't know if it helps, but I was texting T ready to cancel my appointment today as I can't get a long session and too much was coming up for me to deal with even seeing him. Then, suddenly a few hours ago, I just went detached and numb and have no desire to see him or talk to him and feel as if I don't even need therapy in the first place, LOL. So, unless something changes in the next two hours, I am going into my session with T probably expect me coming apart at the seams and I will be on complete lockdown, functional, intellectual mode, feeling like all that "scary" stuff that has been coming up for me is unreal, a lie or at least not upsetting or scary in the least. I think my T has gotten used to this cycle with me. I bet your T, who seems to be experienced, will understand this sort of a sudden shift from being very upset to feeling like it was an overreaction. However, in my detached, intellectual state, I am able to offer that the emotions you were experiencing which were triggered by whatever happened today, if they were making you have SU/SI thoughts, DO have some sort of internal meaning and even if you can't decipher the exact trigger or the exact meaning at the moment. I know it can be very frustrating to fluctuate between extremes so often, but I think most Ts won't bat an eye at it.

And, now because I've realized I've gone way too intellectual on you here, I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this right now. It sounds like you know it will pass if you wait through it, but that doesn't necessarily make the waiting any easier and I'm sorry your T wasn't able to help with that today. ((((((hugs)))))) to you. I'll be thinking of you on the way to my session tonight!

((R2G)). Glad I'm not the only one who's phone-phobic here. I did ask for a call back. I was actually thinking, at the time, that it was a possibility I might not get a call back because her phone was off (went straight to voicemail), so it's not like she'd hear a missed call beep or whatever. ((hugs))

((Yaku)) Thank you...I really appreciate everything you wrote (intellectual or not ) because I go through the same cycles ALL the time. I do know it will pass...but gosh, it's so painful right now my chest hurts.

I hope you have a good session tonight, Yaku, and are able to share some of what's been going on for you. ((hugs))

*raises hand* My name is Hemlock, I am a phone phobe.

My T encourages me to call, but I'd rather chew off my arm and then beat myself about the head and shoulders with it.

If I ever do call and he doesn't ring me back before midnight, I'm sure I'd feel like the only acceptable excuse would be something along the lines of a house having fallen on him preventing him from reaching his phone. That, admittedly, would be a ridiculous, extreme, selfish, and unfair reaction but it is what it is. And I'd totally own it.

I think your reaction is measured and decidedly gracious. In light of how much it must hurt, you should be proud of how you're holding up.

((Hemlock)) Nice to meet another phone-phobe.

Well, just when I was beginning to think that I may not even get a call back, she called..finally! I only feel marginally better today, so it was good she called. Like I thought, since her phone was off, she had no idea she missed a call and had a message from me until later this morning. She apologized more times than I can count. I felt bad for it but ended up telling her that it seemed fitting because I felt like I deserved punishment and part of the punishment was having to deal with it alone. I wish I hadn't said that. Then I told her that I think I just have bad timing, and she said well maybe she has the bad timing or we just have bad timing together.

She helped normalize my reaction (which was crying for hours and hours) and said that it is okay that I don't know why I reacted the way I did, that it's from something I don't yet have the information about.

She offered me a session later today but I said I was fine until Friday. I think that's true, but I don't know. I feel like I can't let myself take the session, that I just have to make myself wait. Granted, it is only two days. This shouldn't be so hard.

Thank you all for the support. ((Hugs)) to everyone.