Well, I am happy to say that it went well! No BB, I didn't rip the sign off the wall
, as it actually sits in a plate holder on a console table. It's a 12" x 12" ceramic tile with vinyl lettering and it was given to her by her colleagues when she moved offices from the building across the street (where her office was in the basement) to the hospital (where she has a fancy corner office with windows on two walls). I'd be in BIG TROUBLE if I did anything to that sign.
I did ask her what it meant to her, but told her what it meant to me first. I think she was a bit surprised to hear it from my perspective, but hers is so different from what I had her pegged for that I'm glad I asked. I've mentioned before that she is a 'kick-butt' person, and the sign hasn't bothered me as much since I've come to know her better. She deals with a lot of drug addicts and alcoholics, people that feel small and like they are incapable of doing things for themselves; powerless would be a good word. So she tries to help her patients feel empowered. She wants them to realize that each person has the potential to do and be whatever they want to. We're not small and helpless, even if we feel that way. We've got the power within us to make our lives great! Yes we have to deal with our stuff, and it's not easy, but we have to deal with it. Until we do we won't grow and realize our potential. That's why she keeps the sign there. I don't hate it anymore.
The internet searching part was scary for me to put out there. I felt fairly calm by that point because my T just has this calming effect on me. She told me she needs and wants me to be totally honest with her for both our benefits and I feel in my heart that total honesty and openness is how I will really connect with her, as scary as it is. She told me to just spill it all and we would deal with it, so I did. Of course I didn't give a bunch of details. I just said I had been feeling guilty about the internet searching that I had mentioned in my letter. She seemed confused and told me it was fine, that a lot of her patients do it. It's okay to find out about your T's credential's, etc., that it's normal and doesn't bother her. I was afraid that was all she figured I had done, so I told her about being triggered by her grandkids' photos last session and asked her, "what if I know your grandkids' names, does that make it scarier?" She seemed a bit taken off guard by that, but handled it well. She said, "MTF, I don't think you're going to go out and murder my grandkids, or that you want to harm them. I don't think you're a stalker." Phew!!! I didn't tell her all the rest of what I know, because I don't even think she realized that I was trying to tell her that I know her grandkids' names, I think she thought I was being hypothetical. She asked me what I was hoping to find out and I told her I wasn't exactly sure. I don't know how true that was. Part of me isn't sure why I did it, or why her personal stuff matters. She told me she is willing to answer anything I ask her because she trusts that I won't ask her something she can't answer, and then she asked me what I want to know; she was willing to do a question and answer session right then and there. Man, that was awful. Of course I wanted to ask her EVERYTHING!!! But I was sitting there feeling so ashamed of myself that I couldn't bring myself to ask her ANYTHING.
Such a wasted opportunity. Oh well, at least I know I can ask her stuff if I ever get the guts to!
Yeah, right...
Anyway, she was good about it and realizes that some of it is my spinning mind, but most is my attachment to her that leads me to do these things. I don't know how well she understands attachment injury or how much help she can be in that area, but she wants to help me, and I know she can in most things, so I'll take what I can get for now and see where she can take me. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be right now and that feels good. I have come to realize that I have to trust my gut (or really, my heart) rather than my head, because right now my head is a mess and will take me anywhere but where I really need to go. I feel so much better and I know things are going to move forward now, and that makes me happy.
Thanks to you supportive ladies for cheering me on and encouraging me to do what I need to do! It really makes a huge difference for me!
MTF
