Ok I will be asking for a bit of patience here so I can put in background to make this all comprehensible.

Bruce Springsteen is playing in Melbourne next weekend. The radio station I listen to has been promoting his tour, giving away free tickets etc. My parents had a few of his albums when I was growing up but I haven't heard his music in a long time. One of my patients is quite a big fan and travelled to see him interstate last week.

On Monday night I was reading a review of his concert in Sydney in the paper and it was very, very positive. I went onto YouTube and searched his name and one of the first songs that came up was the official video for dancing in the dark.

When I watched the video I was overwhelmed.

Firstly, he was such a spunk at that time. Could've drooled all over my iPad!!!

But secondly and perhaps more importantly I remember how much I used to LOVE this song as a 3 or 4 year old. Just the tempo and strong rhythm used to have me dancing all over the house.

But it then triggered into a memory of Christmas Eve in 1986.
We used to have a tradition of visiting friends close by on Christmas Eve. They had kids a similar age to my brother and I. We used to go crazy with excitement and anticipation over Santa visiting and presents that awaited.

There is a photo of us kids dancing in a circle that night. I'm in the foreground and I look happy and confident. It's the last photo from childhood I have where I had that expression on my face. I used to wonder where that girl went.

When I was watching the YouTube video I realised dancing in the dark was the song that was playing when that photo was taken. It symbolises a fork in the road where the path I took was one of overwhelming despair, hopelessness, fear, pain and loneliness. That seemed like the last night of my childhood before my world fell apart. Now I'm left wondering how different my Life mig have been had that carefree and confident 5 year old been able to linger rather than be subject to horrific abuse, torment and loss and having to dissociate into an inner fantasy world to survive. I thought I'd forever lost that girl but I haven't. But finding her is putting me in contact with intense grief and sadness about what did happen to me and how much was taken and how different my life could've been.

I can now understand the lyrics to the song are in fact full of frustration, anguish, despair and a desperate wish for things to be different. It is such an accurate reflection of how life has been for me.

Congrats to anyone who made it this far xxxx