Good morning everyone
Where to start today…
Oh, yes, I am completely admitting that I fell in love with my counsellor.
When he called me for the first time to arrange the appointment, he sounded like 40 yrs old.
When I finally went to see him, I was shocked because he looked like 25. My first impression was like
What the heck? I’ve never seen a professional counsellor that young. His reaction was same too.
I don’t know what it was, later he told me that he was surprised to see that I came upstairs but I think he was expecting completely different kind of person. Which I don’t know what kind of person he was expecting.
When we started talking, I just went ahead with my usual routines. I’ve done a lot of assessments and interview so far and obviously I know my histories and all that so I just talked talked talked…
I also noticed that he seemed quite nervous. He was dropping his pens and all that. I could really tell something was going on. I really don’t like to make people uncomfortable in front of me so I pretended that I don’t notice anything so I started to open up right away.
However that might have been a trick. Pretend like he was nervous and all that. Who knows what he was thinking or expecting…

From previous experience from my P’s, I was never interested in asking about their personal opinions or wanted to find out what kind of movies, or music or whatever they liked.
I wanted to know his age so I could find out how long he’s been doing his work and when he graduated from school and all that. I didn’t know I was allowed to ask those questions because I didn’t want to offend him just because he looked so young.

Anyways, he was answering all the questions I asked. But I was trying to be really careful too. Because I knew that I should focus on me. He also told me later that he answered all my questions because that’s what I needed. I guess we both didn’t think about consequences. As soon as I started to see as a person, I was seeing him as my best friend and then emotionally attached to him and fell in love.

I know he knew everything. However I also knew that he was confused and didn’t know what to do.
I thought he was seeing his supervisor on regular bases. I think he just talked about my progress with
Meetings with other practicum students. I am sure he mentioned to them about concerns that I had or even busy bragging how I was progressing so much because of him.

The scary thing is this…
I really wanted to leave my husband for him. I was really close. I thought that was most important thing that I had to do first in order to have him. Of course during counselling, my husband didn’t support me emotionally which didn’t help at all. Feelings towards my counsellor only became stronger and stronger.
I wanted all his attention. I only wanted him to think about him. The relationship with my husband was getting worse and worse. I completely stopped having sex with my husband too. Because I wanted to be royal to my counsellor. I was definitely getting obsessed with my counsellor and having emotional affair.

Yes, it was definitely interfering our work together because I started to focus on US.
I think my focus became on this , “ What should I do to have him”
I felt like I found the love of my life. I pictured us hanging out, walking on the beach, him supporting me all the way so I can reach my dreams… oh my gosh…

Fell in love with him part. It was all because he was there for me, on my side all the time and listening.
I sort of sensed his real personality too. I knew that he could get really upset with certain things. Who doesn’t… so I was quite careful with certain things. I was giving him a lot of compliments, how wonderful he is, how thankful I was etc…
I think I did it too much and at some point, he started to feel uncomfortable. Or he was acting like that on purpose…
When I mentioned to him that we have a lot of commons, he said “ there are a lot of uncommon too”
OUCH!!!

I understand that he can't talk to me directly because he doesn’t have anything to tell me as himself. I was just one of his clients and I fell love with him and we can’t continue our work together…
So I understand that he gave me this opportunities to vent here.

Here we go, I hated him so much and now I am going back to mellow side of story…

Actually all I wanted his honesty. I wasn’t honest with him too. We were both scared, didn’t know what to do, we thought we could handle things by ourselves but it was bad ending.

I have complained about being his study subject, but to tell you the truth, I wanted to be his study subject so I can help him a lot. I wanted to be useful to him. And I wanted to talk about all these stuff with him completely open and with honesty so he can be really a good counsellor. I was so naïve, of course he knows a lot more than me about human brains and behaviours. I kept everything to my self and I didn’t want to give him honest feed back but he already know what I am thinking or going through… and here I am, I am finally here and writing everything.
I seriously he was trying to kill me by messing with my e-mail, facebook, blog account. I really wanted to check into the mental institution and seriously thought about committing suicide because I thought that’s what he really wanted me to do. Because I did find him on the internet and he was punishing me big time… Crazy talk…. Just like the centre’s director e-mailed me that I am paranoid and distorted.

Anywho, I don’t have those chocked feelings anymore. Or pains in my chest either. Ever since I started to write stuff in here.
I thought I could handle it, just take all the negative feed back or humiliation from him and I thought I could walk away and forget about everything. But it wasn’t working anymore. May be because of trauma, unbearable pains… I just wanted to deny everything. I am sleepy again. I’ve been feeling like this for months… I think I am going back to bed now.

hmm...

seems like everyone wants to be quite ever since I started posting here.

Have I scared everyone away?
or everyone suddenly don't want to talk about transference issues any longer???

or I am being paranoid and distorted...

may be my counsellor is giving me a full opprotunities for me to vent all the way.

or he chickened out and not posting any longer becuase he believes that I can actually harm myself or he is traumatized about my negative feed back. or simply he is able to ignore everything becase I am telling him the truth.

or I think he got bored with me finally.
or he is enjoying a lot that I am going through pains becuase of him...

who knows...

Hi HWG,

Not scared away, just "listening." Like HB, I'm always reading posts, but I don't always respond right away. Sometimes there's a response that comes immediately to mind so that's what I do. I've been wanting to respond to you but haven't been quite sure what to say yet. I loved HB's response, so I hope she doesn't mind, but if I could "borrow" a few things she said and repeat them:

quote:

Therapy gone wrong causes the most dreadful suffering and i am glad that posting here is helping you in however small a way.

quote:

Please vent as much as you need and know you are not alone, there are people out here who understand what you are going through and how incredibly powerful our T's are in our lives.

quote:

It is a relationship of extraordinary trust and vulnerability and it is hard enough to keep things clear without your T confusing it with unprofessional behaviour. I hope that somehow you can find your way through this to a happier more balanced place.

Reading your accounts of how your T handled things, reminds me of something I read on the following website about how when a therapist's feelings and/or needs enter into the therapy, what follows is "psychological disaster" and "emotional chaos."

http://www.guidetopsychology.c...tic_transference.htm

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I am glad you found us. I hope that you keep posting and keep moving forward. This site has brought me extraordinary comfort, strength, and support to keep going. And I hope it does the same for you.

Take care,
SG

I remember that link.
echo mentioned that one on his post once.

I didn't read it that time.

Now I read it.
I know everything. I know what went wrong.
I know how it happened and I tired to deal with it. But then my counselor knew everything too.
for god sake, he was getting his MA soon.

He knew that I started to have feelings for him. Yes, I understand according to that site, T's or P's doesn't know how to handle transference and feels very uncomfortable.

and when I felt strong about myself, I told him that OK, I think I am done counseling with you. Then he convinced me to continue...
I should have told him clearly, I don't need you anymore. But he wanted me to continue.

well, I guess he really wanted to help me or he thinks that I was still sick... or tried to push my transference issue with him so he could explore...

I guess I am being arrogant here. Saying that I know everything. I am just venting. because with my new P, I don't even want to bring up this topic because I've been talking to so many different people. Of course their advice was simply " Oh gosh, Not him again, what has he done this time?, How do you know it's HIM?"

So I was able to print out login history and I found his IP address while I was not in the city. I was using my friend's IP address.

So I was like YES! Now I can prove to everyone that he really did used my password from his home and messed everything up.

Then they said this to me " Forget about everything and just move on. obviously, he is crazy and for your health, stop talking about him"

So, I've been stop talking about him and changed my passwords constantly, closed all my blogs and even facebook etc...

but I can see that he is still here and using stories that triggers me and I can't forgive him.

I understand that I did stupid thing. that's what the police told me that I basically gave him my password and it's my fault.

But he is the administrator for that youth site. Does that mean he tries all the passwords against all his members?

Well, Yes, I do have to admit. I might be the only one who used passwords exactly same as my e-mail addresses and invite him to read all my personal e-mails and make me look like I am paranoid and distorted.

On the other hand, Yes, I have changed all my passwords and I guess he wanted to gave me some clues that not to do that anymore.

So thankful that he taught me so much.
it was the most frustrating, painful, paranoid experience I've ever had.

However I was about to change all my passwords but I've noticed that he has deleted a lot of his e-mails. Funny thing is that he has all the email from each other but I am missing a lot of his e-mails. But I guess he doesn't know that I've been printing them. I have like a biggest binder for that.

anywho...

venting venting venting
still paranoid and living in fantasy world.

Hi herewego
I also do read your posts.
I don't reply because I'm afraid that I may say something stupid and I see that you do feel a lot of pain and anger towards that guy.
Besides, I don't know what went on. You can vent here as much as you want. I do it too. However I don't think my venting here about how much I love my therapist is any constructive.
But I know in the past I needed something like that website a lot more....