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RT, are you sure you want to divulge your own location by posting your T's name publicly?
RT I really don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I read and send you hugs.
RT
I'm so very sorry for all your hurt & pain. Take some deep breaths & ground yourself. Name some objects in the room. Name everything for your next grocery trip etc. You can get thru this although it seems pitch black right now.
Please don't give her the satisfaction if you hurt yourself toward her. That only hurts you & confirms your thoughts she might have for you. Don't hurt yourself out of spite, its just not worth it. You are a beautiful person & you'll see the sunrise soon. Wait for it. Please. Stay safe RT ur very valuable!!
Muddddd
I'm so very sorry for all your hurt & pain. Take some deep breaths & ground yourself. Name some objects in the room. Name everything for your next grocery trip etc. You can get thru this although it seems pitch black right now.Please don't give her the satisfaction if you hurt yourself toward her. That only hurts you & confirms your thoughts she might have for you. Don't hurt yourself out of spite, its just not worth it. You are a beautiful person & you'll see the sunrise soon. Wait for it. Please. Stay safe RT ur very valuable!!
Muddddd
RT,
You are human to me. You are a strong, intelligent, sensitive, compassionate, and generous person. I'm so sorry--no words can convey how sorry--that your T let you down. Please be gentle with yourself and don't give up. Let yourself grieve and then let yourself recover. You will!
RabbitEars
You are human to me. You are a strong, intelligent, sensitive, compassionate, and generous person. I'm so sorry--no words can convey how sorry--that your T let you down. Please be gentle with yourself and don't give up. Let yourself grieve and then let yourself recover. You will!
RabbitEars
OK, so I'm just going to say this because nobody else is. RT, you are exhibiting some pretty extreme thinking here. I know it feels that way, but just because your T has boundaries around contact doesn't mean you mean nothing to her. There is no T in his or her right mind who is going to answer every text and email right away, or promise to do that. Look around at some of the posters here who got terminated by T's who had poor boundaries and answered texts and phone calls at all hours, and wound up seriously harming their clients. I don't see the first thing wrong with anything your T has done so far, although it seems like she could have done a better job helping you sort out what your needs are and the feelings you've been having. I'm sorry this is so painful.
Hey RT
I couldn't resist googling your therapist...she says she's a solution
focused therapist...I have to say that there's no way she would be
trained or competent in working in a psychodynamic/attachment theory
style that you seem to want. She is very clear about how she works on
her website-she works with current problems and solution focused does
not tend to dig too far into childhood traumas or explore attachment
injuries.
I'm so sorry you are in pain but like BLT I'm not sure your therapist has
done anything wrong here. I hope you can find some relief from your pain
somehow soon.
Thinking of you
Searching
I couldn't resist googling your therapist...she says she's a solution
focused therapist...I have to say that there's no way she would be
trained or competent in working in a psychodynamic/attachment theory
style that you seem to want. She is very clear about how she works on
her website-she works with current problems and solution focused does
not tend to dig too far into childhood traumas or explore attachment
injuries.
I'm so sorry you are in pain but like BLT I'm not sure your therapist has
done anything wrong here. I hope you can find some relief from your pain
somehow soon.
Thinking of you
Searching
OK, I'm going to say something a little gentler in case it makes a difference.
I have been closer to where you are now than you think. I also had an issue with my former T's contact policies, and it ultimately caused me to switch T's. At the time I couldn't believe she cared about me, either. She did care about me, and her contact policies had nothing to do with whether she cared or not. They were just her policies. The real reason our relationship didn't work out was that she wasn't skilled enough in dealing with the specific issues I had. Searching is right. You have the same problem. There's no indication your T has the right training or experience to handle your particular needs.
What you're feeling right now, sadly has little to do with the reality of how your T is and everything to do with what's going on inside of you. I know that there is a part of you that wanted to trust your T, and wanted her to rescue and take care of the hurt and vulnerable parts of you. At the same time, your trust has been broken many times in the past. So there are also parts of you that will look for any reason to get rid of her before you can get any closer, so that you can't get hurt more. They want to protect you from trusting people by looking for any excuse to say the person isn't trustworthy or doesn't care about you. So naturally you are going to feel torn in all of this.
How about finding a T that has a lot of experience dealing with developmental trauma, and then doing some termination sessions with your current T later, when you can get some more perspective on it?
I have been closer to where you are now than you think. I also had an issue with my former T's contact policies, and it ultimately caused me to switch T's. At the time I couldn't believe she cared about me, either. She did care about me, and her contact policies had nothing to do with whether she cared or not. They were just her policies. The real reason our relationship didn't work out was that she wasn't skilled enough in dealing with the specific issues I had. Searching is right. You have the same problem. There's no indication your T has the right training or experience to handle your particular needs.
What you're feeling right now, sadly has little to do with the reality of how your T is and everything to do with what's going on inside of you. I know that there is a part of you that wanted to trust your T, and wanted her to rescue and take care of the hurt and vulnerable parts of you. At the same time, your trust has been broken many times in the past. So there are also parts of you that will look for any reason to get rid of her before you can get any closer, so that you can't get hurt more. They want to protect you from trusting people by looking for any excuse to say the person isn't trustworthy or doesn't care about you. So naturally you are going to feel torn in all of this.
How about finding a T that has a lot of experience dealing with developmental trauma, and then doing some termination sessions with your current T later, when you can get some more perspective on it?
Hey RT.... can't say much now but I'm terribly sorry for how SHE failed you. It's important to know that she is the failure. She just could not do the work and she led you to believe otherwise. I think some T's out there will tell you they can do this and that when they don't have adequate experience, just s they can get a new client. She should have known from the get-go that you were out of her league. My T tells me he knows in 2-3 sessions if he can work with someone and if not, he refers them before there is any attachment or transference going on. It's the ethical thing to do. She knew your issues and she accepted you anyway.
The red flag was that YOU were the one trying to set some boundaries when she was the one who should have been clear and consistent from day one. My T does not allow "unlimited" contact. He has his boundaries and I respect them and it works fine. If your T had given you boundaries that SHE could honor then much of your pain could have been avoided. I have a pet peeve about T's who say... oh you can email me anytime but don't expect to hear back from me and then respond sometimes and not other times. That just shakes the attachment.
RT... I really do not want you to hurt yourself over this T who failed you. Believe me I was failed by my oldT who was incompetent. I was devastated at the time and was tempted to behave in unhealthy ways to relieve the pain but he is SO not worth it. I am worth much more than that and finding a T who is experienced in trauma, attachment and does relational psychodynamic therapy makes all the difference.
I know how hard it is to be out there in pain with no T. I began interviewing T's immediately after my termination even if I only sat there and cried about my abandonment. But at least someone was listening. This Board helped me as well until I settled in with my current T.
One step at a time.
Hugs
TN
The red flag was that YOU were the one trying to set some boundaries when she was the one who should have been clear and consistent from day one. My T does not allow "unlimited" contact. He has his boundaries and I respect them and it works fine. If your T had given you boundaries that SHE could honor then much of your pain could have been avoided. I have a pet peeve about T's who say... oh you can email me anytime but don't expect to hear back from me and then respond sometimes and not other times. That just shakes the attachment.
RT... I really do not want you to hurt yourself over this T who failed you. Believe me I was failed by my oldT who was incompetent. I was devastated at the time and was tempted to behave in unhealthy ways to relieve the pain but he is SO not worth it. I am worth much more than that and finding a T who is experienced in trauma, attachment and does relational psychodynamic therapy makes all the difference.
I know how hard it is to be out there in pain with no T. I began interviewing T's immediately after my termination even if I only sat there and cried about my abandonment. But at least someone was listening. This Board helped me as well until I settled in with my current T.
One step at a time.
Hugs
TN
((((RT))))
I had to google her too, RT, but can't find anything about her qualifications. What kind of degree(s) does she have? She doesn't have anything written after her name and I'm afraid that she hasn't had the appropriate schooling at all. Anyone can call themselves a therapist.
I find it a little frightening that she hasn't written anything about herself on her website, her schooling or experience.
I had to google her too, RT, but can't find anything about her qualifications. What kind of degree(s) does she have? She doesn't have anything written after her name and I'm afraid that she hasn't had the appropriate schooling at all. Anyone can call themselves a therapist.
I find it a little frightening that she hasn't written anything about herself on her website, her schooling or experience.
((((RT))))
Forgot to send big hugs. As the others have said, it's her. She failed you.
Forgot to send big hugs. As the others have said, it's her. She failed you.
(((RT)))
i think she did fail you big time... i'm really sorry... you deserve so much more though and i hope you will now get the chance to find that with another T.
please keep writing here if it helps, you shouldnt be alone with this.
gentle hugs,
puppet
i think she did fail you big time... i'm really sorry... you deserve so much more though and i hope you will now get the chance to find that with another T.
please keep writing here if it helps, you shouldnt be alone with this.
gentle hugs,
puppet
RT, have not read much of this thread, will do in the morning, have had one glass too many. But am thinking of you!!!!
(((((RT)))))
I agree with AG about the pain involved and having to deal with boundaries we don't want to. When I said she failed you I was referring to her apparent inconsistency in holding the boundaries tight and/or giving you extras that it seemed she came to resent. I can't imagine my T telling me that he gives me more than he gives everyone else and what? Now you want more? My T probably does give me a lot more than he gives others and only wants me to keep asking for what I need because I have a hard time asking for what I need IRL. If he made me feel ashamed for asking or needing, I'd more than likely have an even harder time of it in real life. From what I've read about you, you tend to be a giver IRL too which is why your reaction (going) to her house might have been extreme because she held the promise of you finally getting your needs met.
It's her job to be understanding of those needs, to manage them, to manage her own feelings and it doesn't appear to me that she did that very well.
I wanted to clarify where I was coming from. Hang in there.
((((RT))))
I agree with AG about the pain involved and having to deal with boundaries we don't want to. When I said she failed you I was referring to her apparent inconsistency in holding the boundaries tight and/or giving you extras that it seemed she came to resent. I can't imagine my T telling me that he gives me more than he gives everyone else and what? Now you want more? My T probably does give me a lot more than he gives others and only wants me to keep asking for what I need because I have a hard time asking for what I need IRL. If he made me feel ashamed for asking or needing, I'd more than likely have an even harder time of it in real life. From what I've read about you, you tend to be a giver IRL too which is why your reaction (going) to her house might have been extreme because she held the promise of you finally getting your needs met.
It's her job to be understanding of those needs, to manage them, to manage her own feelings and it doesn't appear to me that she did that very well.
I wanted to clarify where I was coming from. Hang in there.
((((RT))))
Regardless of anything else, I'm sorry for the pain you're in, RT.
I don't know your T, and I'm only just getting to know you and your story. But from where I'm standing, I'm not seeing the situation quite to the extent of concluding that your T failed you. Some of the things she's said and done sound perhaps not as well thought out as they could have been, but as far as her outside of session contact goes, I see your arrangement with her as pretty liberal. In my experience with therapy, my first therapist didn't allow outside contact. My most recent T allowed me to call if I was in a rough place, although I rarely ever called. We didn't text, we didn't email. And the session times...my T would allow a second session when I asked, which wasn't much, but the session times were the typical 50 minutes. So, through my eyes, I see your T as quite accommodating. And then still being willing to work things out after you went to her house.. That shows commitment to me.
But, I'm not in your shoes..and I'm looking at your situation through my own eyes, which are affected by my experiences. But maybe it would help the pain, just a little bit, if you were able to see the ways your T has been good to you, even if, for the most part, you do see her as failing you.
I don't know your T, and I'm only just getting to know you and your story. But from where I'm standing, I'm not seeing the situation quite to the extent of concluding that your T failed you. Some of the things she's said and done sound perhaps not as well thought out as they could have been, but as far as her outside of session contact goes, I see your arrangement with her as pretty liberal. In my experience with therapy, my first therapist didn't allow outside contact. My most recent T allowed me to call if I was in a rough place, although I rarely ever called. We didn't text, we didn't email. And the session times...my T would allow a second session when I asked, which wasn't much, but the session times were the typical 50 minutes. So, through my eyes, I see your T as quite accommodating. And then still being willing to work things out after you went to her house.. That shows commitment to me.
But, I'm not in your shoes..and I'm looking at your situation through my own eyes, which are affected by my experiences. But maybe it would help the pain, just a little bit, if you were able to see the ways your T has been good to you, even if, for the most part, you do see her as failing you.
((((RT))))
Cross-posted, read your post, then deleted my original (in case you saw it already), because I feel like it wasn't what was needed right now. Also, I wasn't understanding the situation (which is what I had feared and why I didn't want to comment on the idea of failure, and stuck to my own experiences). If you want to read about my experiences around Boundaries at a time you're feeling less battered, let me know. I'll save it and I can repost/PM to you. Right now, just giving you lots of (((hugs))). You're not alone. So many people on here know how painful it is to feel let down by someone you care deeply about. I know what it is like to feel that giving up inside. It's like a glass shattering in your heart and shards going everywhere. More hugs.
Cross-posted, read your post, then deleted my original (in case you saw it already), because I feel like it wasn't what was needed right now. Also, I wasn't understanding the situation (which is what I had feared and why I didn't want to comment on the idea of failure, and stuck to my own experiences). If you want to read about my experiences around Boundaries at a time you're feeling less battered, let me know. I'll save it and I can repost/PM to you. Right now, just giving you lots of (((hugs))). You're not alone. So many people on here know how painful it is to feel let down by someone you care deeply about. I know what it is like to feel that giving up inside. It's like a glass shattering in your heart and shards going everywhere.
More hugs.
This reminds me of myself way back when I saw a T for 17 years. She retired and cut off all communication but before she did that she tried to smooth it over. I was in horrendous pain. I could not believe that I didn't mean more to her. I could not believe that she could just walk away from me like that. I literally thought I was going to die. She kept telling me that my pain was about my mother and not her. When she'd say that I would get so angry. But over time I came to understand that for the most part she was right. I was trying to replace what I never had with my mother with my T. Rather than grieve a horrendous loss I was simply trying to find someone to take that pain away.
I say this reminds me of that because of the intensity of your feelings that you describe here. It makes me think that this is something from your past coming up. It's not to say that it wouldn't hurt to have a T ignore you after all you have shared etc but there is an intensity there that rings of a past pain. One that hurt you deeply.
I say this reminds me of that because of the intensity of your feelings that you describe here. It makes me think that this is something from your past coming up. It's not to say that it wouldn't hurt to have a T ignore you after all you have shared etc but there is an intensity there that rings of a past pain. One that hurt you deeply.
quote:If T didn't have the skill, experience, interest, ability, personal fortitude - or whatever - to do this work with me, I believe I deserved to know that long before now. I do blame T for that. She is not hurt by that, but I am. I pay her whether she is on top of her game or screwing me royally. I'm the one with the psyche in the balance.
Yes, this was my main complaint with my former T. I wish she had referred me immediately instead of waiting 6 weeks to the point where I was already attached. In a perfect world, every T would know in the first session whether they can see treatment through to completion. She did fail you there, in the sense that it seems she doesn't have as much skill and/or knowledge of her limitations as she ideally might, and you got hurt as a result. I don't think she's shown lack of care or lack of ethics, but that doesn't make it feel much better when you're in the middle of it, does it?
quote:I think it might be ok for Ts to be less than perfect, provided they are not unethical or abusive. I think it might be ok for them to make mistakes, because mistakes are great teachers...for both parties.
This is so true. Thanks, Monte.
RabbitEars
RT,
I have no words of wisdom but I can understand how you feel. I get to feel it again when I read your post/feelings. I hope you will find a new T very soon that is able to accept what you need. Sometimes it appears we have the right T but really we don't and someone else might be able to help us better. So many of us here really understand.
Hopeful
I have no words of wisdom but I can understand how you feel. I get to feel it again when I read your post/feelings. I hope you will find a new T very soon that is able to accept what you need. Sometimes it appears we have the right T but really we don't and someone else might be able to help us better. So many of us here really understand.
Hopeful
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and feel so much fear about sharing your journey. I hope saying this helped you recogize at least some of your fears.
RT,
I'm sorry that I don't have the right words... It is hard to be in such pain, and it is hard to witness such pain. Please don't give up. I don't know how else to say--I care.
RabbitEars
I'm sorry that I don't have the right words... It is hard to be in such pain, and it is hard to witness such pain. Please don't give up. I don't know how else to say--I care.
RabbitEars
((((((RT)))))))
If I post when I'm at the height of an emotional state I don't quite understand myself yet and people offer their insights, it can be hard to hear what they have to say because of the vulnerable state I am in. They are being more objective but when you are in the throes of those difficult emotions, all you want is validation. At least, that's all I want. Then what happens is I feel as if I lose control of my feelings when others offer a different spin on things and I get all twisted inside. Because, even if we are being irrational, we want to feel entitled to the way we feel. It makes it harder if we don't have a strong enough sense of feeling entitled to our feelings to begin with regardless of their rationality.
The other thing is, we don't really know each other here and it's easy to project malevolence to relatively nameless, faceless people.
I, for one, would love for you to continue to share your journey but completely understand if it is too vulnerable for you to do so at this point.
If I post when I'm at the height of an emotional state I don't quite understand myself yet and people offer their insights, it can be hard to hear what they have to say because of the vulnerable state I am in. They are being more objective but when you are in the throes of those difficult emotions, all you want is validation. At least, that's all I want. Then what happens is I feel as if I lose control of my feelings when others offer a different spin on things and I get all twisted inside. Because, even if we are being irrational, we want to feel entitled to the way we feel. It makes it harder if we don't have a strong enough sense of feeling entitled to our feelings to begin with regardless of their rationality.
The other thing is, we don't really know each other here and it's easy to project malevolence to relatively nameless, faceless people.
I, for one, would love for you to continue to share your journey but completely understand if it is too vulnerable for you to do so at this point.
((RT))
I don't have much to add here, but want you to know I care, and I'm so sorry for this pain you are in right now. I know the depth of this kind of pain, and it is a really difficult process.
Do whatever you can right now to take care of yourself, whatever that may be. YOU matter, and don't forget that.
I sometime wonder about this stuff called therapy. I wonder about our therapists, even the really good, competent ones. I wonder if in all their busyness, and schedules, and boundaries, and "stuff", if they ever stop and breathe like they teach us to do? Maybe if they did, they would better understand, and know us.
Hugs to you.
Blu
I don't have much to add here, but want you to know I care, and I'm so sorry for this pain you are in right now. I know the depth of this kind of pain, and it is a really difficult process.
Do whatever you can right now to take care of yourself, whatever that may be. YOU matter, and don't forget that.
I sometime wonder about this stuff called therapy. I wonder about our therapists, even the really good, competent ones. I wonder if in all their busyness, and schedules, and boundaries, and "stuff", if they ever stop and breathe like they teach us to do? Maybe if they did, they would better understand, and know us.
Hugs to you.
Blu
RT
hi RT,
i think its hard for any of us to really know if your T is good for you or not, as we all respond from our own personal perspective. my 'feeling' was that she was inconsistent and not very good in dealing with attachment injury/trauma. and it could be that its my own transference reaction, because i remember a story you told a while ago about a distressed note you left on her car to say you quit and she replied a few days later with an email titled 'end of our therapeutic alliance' sorry if i'm re-telling your story incorrectly, and i'm sorry if you dont want to be reminded... but it just helps to explain my 'feeling' about her. i really felt for you then!! and i thought that was very cruel (or just very ignorant) for a T to write that and that she really didnt understand how deep that would cut and how hard (or impossible) it might be to repair that with someone who might have experienced abandonment or other attachment trauma in the past.
it must be really hard that you are unsure about her and keep going back and forth. i experience that to some degree with my T too, but to a lesser extend i think, and i always go back (or dont leave even if i may threaten it sometimes). maybe until you are more sure, you can keep your options open? do you think she is totally committed to working with you (long term)? maybe she wants to but doesnt feel that confident or up to the task? i sometimes get the feeling she seems a bit inconsistent in this regard - and that to me is a really big failing..... but then again, it could be just my stuff and my reading of it.
i dont know if i'm any help and i hope i dont confuse you even more.... please tell me if you would rather not read any more 'interpretations' about your T. keep writing, i think its important to keep exploring your feelings and thoughts on this. thinking of you and hope you're doing ok.
puppet
i think its hard for any of us to really know if your T is good for you or not, as we all respond from our own personal perspective. my 'feeling' was that she was inconsistent and not very good in dealing with attachment injury/trauma. and it could be that its my own transference reaction, because i remember a story you told a while ago about a distressed note you left on her car to say you quit and she replied a few days later with an email titled 'end of our therapeutic alliance' sorry if i'm re-telling your story incorrectly, and i'm sorry if you dont want to be reminded... but it just helps to explain my 'feeling' about her. i really felt for you then!! and i thought that was very cruel (or just very ignorant) for a T to write that and that she really didnt understand how deep that would cut and how hard (or impossible) it might be to repair that with someone who might have experienced abandonment or other attachment trauma in the past.
it must be really hard that you are unsure about her and keep going back and forth. i experience that to some degree with my T too, but to a lesser extend i think, and i always go back (or dont leave even if i may threaten it sometimes). maybe until you are more sure, you can keep your options open? do you think she is totally committed to working with you (long term)? maybe she wants to but doesnt feel that confident or up to the task? i sometimes get the feeling she seems a bit inconsistent in this regard - and that to me is a really big failing..... but then again, it could be just my stuff and my reading of it.
i dont know if i'm any help and i hope i dont confuse you even more.... please tell me if you would rather not read any more 'interpretations' about your T. keep writing, i think its important to keep exploring your feelings and thoughts on this. thinking of you and hope you're doing ok.
puppet
((((RED)))))
I think the consults are a good idea. It will help you process what has been going on between the two of you and hopefully, these T's will give you some perspective. I went on a lot of consults and consistently heard the same thing about my T. In the end, it was helpful.
But if she hadn't asked, would you have been crushed? Have you had these strong emotions, this push/pull attachment stuff with other T's or just this one? That would give a clue as to whether or not it's the dynamic between the two of you working behind the scenes here.
I think the consults are a good idea. It will help you process what has been going on between the two of you and hopefully, these T's will give you some perspective. I went on a lot of consults and consistently heard the same thing about my T. In the end, it was helpful.
quote:At the end of the last session, T asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment. I didn't schedule one. I sort of felt like T was sabotaging my four session decision. Like offering ice cream to a person on a diet.
But if she hadn't asked, would you have been crushed? Have you had these strong emotions, this push/pull attachment stuff with other T's or just this one? That would give a clue as to whether or not it's the dynamic between the two of you working behind the scenes here.
(((((RT)))))
Your last post really broke my heart because I remember trying so hard to get my T to understand what I needed from him and, like your T, he seemed to be deaf. I need/needed to know my T wants/wanted to work with me and I need/needed to hear it over and over again. I can't be vulnerable with someone who doesn't give me that sense of safety. I know it's supposed to be a professional relationship and, when we tell them we are not coming back, a lot of T's would not react as though they not would miss us. They would react the way yours did - though that would crush me as well. I don't get the sense that this relationship is emotionally safe for you or that your T understands how to make it safe for you. What do you think?
((((((RT)))))))
Your last post really broke my heart because I remember trying so hard to get my T to understand what I needed from him and, like your T, he seemed to be deaf. I need/needed to know my T wants/wanted to work with me and I need/needed to hear it over and over again. I can't be vulnerable with someone who doesn't give me that sense of safety. I know it's supposed to be a professional relationship and, when we tell them we are not coming back, a lot of T's would not react as though they not would miss us. They would react the way yours did - though that would crush me as well. I don't get the sense that this relationship is emotionally safe for you or that your T understands how to make it safe for you. What do you think?
((((((RT)))))))
RT,
When my ex T termed me in a horrible way - I couldn't see any sense in anything anymore. I begged and begged her to take me back, begged her to explain, my H also did. It was a desperate and horrible plea. I didnt eat for nearly a week and was in shock. T agreed to a final session.
It took me another week to realise that T did a favour to me as she was horribly inexperienced for my issues. Her abandonment of me triggered severe BPD reactions in me and clearly she had no idea what to do.
I have come to a sense of peace about it - and in the long run of my life, she did me a great favour by 'releasing' me to then go to my wonderful T. I will heal with my T because she is qualified, experienced, fully embraces attachment therapy, gives me a large amount of contact, I know she is fond of me and she is very flexible in her treatment. I would never have got this with ex T. Never in a million years.
Once you find a new T - I really, really think you will feel some easing of your pain.
SD
When my ex T termed me in a horrible way - I couldn't see any sense in anything anymore. I begged and begged her to take me back, begged her to explain, my H also did. It was a desperate and horrible plea. I didnt eat for nearly a week and was in shock. T agreed to a final session.
It took me another week to realise that T did a favour to me as she was horribly inexperienced for my issues. Her abandonment of me triggered severe BPD reactions in me and clearly she had no idea what to do.
I have come to a sense of peace about it - and in the long run of my life, she did me a great favour by 'releasing' me to then go to my wonderful T. I will heal with my T because she is qualified, experienced, fully embraces attachment therapy, gives me a large amount of contact, I know she is fond of me and she is very flexible in her treatment. I would never have got this with ex T. Never in a million years.
Once you find a new T - I really, really think you will feel some easing of your pain.
SD
Liese, reading your post reminded me of a difference between my two T's.
When I had issues with exT and would tell her about them, she would sit stony faced, all her experience (limited) and training taught her to be unemotional and be distanced - and she would then be a little defensive or turn it all back on me as to why I think I was feeling that way!!!
This made me incensed with anger. She just didn't understand. So i would keep trying and be met with the same thing. I then tried to 'make do' with her but it was never quite right.
When I have had a hundred ruptures with T now, - I kept trying and trying, rupture after ruptures. Us both doing this miscuing dance, both frustrated, yet both so committed to trying to find common ground and understanding. There were weeks where I could see she wasn't getting it, she was trying - I could see that but she just didn't understand my points. She appreciated my attempts and was sorry she wasn't getting it and asked me to keep trying.
Instead of being defensive - my T would admit her mistakes, ask me what I needed, what I wanted, asked to help her to brainstorm solutions, at times said she would ask colleagues to help her and after a really big rupture - my T sat opposite me crying. Full on crying. She was so upset that she had hurt me and caused me so much pain that instead of going to her it was too difficult and I shut down for weeks and weeks because I couldn't cope because she caused it.
She took all that on and together we repaired.
I know which type of T I would like to be working with. We deserve better than to "make do" with a T that isn't suited to us, isn't in tune with us and who isn't experienced enough, isn't flexible.
There is someone better for you RT.
SD
When I had issues with exT and would tell her about them, she would sit stony faced, all her experience (limited) and training taught her to be unemotional and be distanced - and she would then be a little defensive or turn it all back on me as to why I think I was feeling that way!!!
This made me incensed with anger. She just didn't understand. So i would keep trying and be met with the same thing. I then tried to 'make do' with her but it was never quite right.
When I have had a hundred ruptures with T now, - I kept trying and trying, rupture after ruptures. Us both doing this miscuing dance, both frustrated, yet both so committed to trying to find common ground and understanding. There were weeks where I could see she wasn't getting it, she was trying - I could see that but she just didn't understand my points. She appreciated my attempts and was sorry she wasn't getting it and asked me to keep trying.
Instead of being defensive - my T would admit her mistakes, ask me what I needed, what I wanted, asked to help her to brainstorm solutions, at times said she would ask colleagues to help her and after a really big rupture - my T sat opposite me crying. Full on crying. She was so upset that she had hurt me and caused me so much pain that instead of going to her it was too difficult and I shut down for weeks and weeks because I couldn't cope because she caused it.
She took all that on and together we repaired.
I know which type of T I would like to be working with. We deserve better than to "make do" with a T that isn't suited to us, isn't in tune with us and who isn't experienced enough, isn't flexible.
There is someone better for you RT.
SD
Hi RT,
I think in some situations therapists work on the principle that the boundaries have to be in place and secure before they will do certain kinds of emotional work. Otherwise, the foundations are not secure and the building may fall down....
For example, if your therapist had responded to you turning up at her house by going into and processing your feelings of distress with you, that very distressed part of your subconscious may have learned that this kind of 'acting out' - taking the therapy outside the therapy hour - was one way to make connection. Even though your conscious mind hears 'this is not okay', your subconscious mind hears 'even though it's not okay I will tend to your distress now' - and you can guess which message is more powerful.
I haven't read enough of the background stuff in this relationship to feel like I understand what is happening in the other circumstances you describe, but I wonder if this is part of your sense of frustration.
I had some boundary stuff come up with my last therapist and it was very painful, we couldn't work it out. One of the things he indicated was that actually a boundary conflict does not just go one direction - we had a conflict because we BOTH had needs that we could not get met or make understood. I needed to express certain things in a certain way, and he was unable to hear them that way or maybe at all. I guess there are a couple of parts to that struggle, figuring out whether it's the way you're saying things or what it is that you're saying that's being refused, and then figuring out where that leaves you - whether you are willing to try things in a different way, or whether you need someone who has a style that's easier for you.
Either way, for myself I've ended up kind of glad my last therapist didn't bend himself to accommodate me. He was being honest in rejecting what I was trying to give him, and it's been devastating but I now see some of the many reasons for it. It was an unsafe situation, and it's worse if they try to pretend or ignore that.
I think in some situations therapists work on the principle that the boundaries have to be in place and secure before they will do certain kinds of emotional work. Otherwise, the foundations are not secure and the building may fall down....
For example, if your therapist had responded to you turning up at her house by going into and processing your feelings of distress with you, that very distressed part of your subconscious may have learned that this kind of 'acting out' - taking the therapy outside the therapy hour - was one way to make connection. Even though your conscious mind hears 'this is not okay', your subconscious mind hears 'even though it's not okay I will tend to your distress now' - and you can guess which message is more powerful.
I haven't read enough of the background stuff in this relationship to feel like I understand what is happening in the other circumstances you describe, but I wonder if this is part of your sense of frustration.
I had some boundary stuff come up with my last therapist and it was very painful, we couldn't work it out. One of the things he indicated was that actually a boundary conflict does not just go one direction - we had a conflict because we BOTH had needs that we could not get met or make understood. I needed to express certain things in a certain way, and he was unable to hear them that way or maybe at all. I guess there are a couple of parts to that struggle, figuring out whether it's the way you're saying things or what it is that you're saying that's being refused, and then figuring out where that leaves you - whether you are willing to try things in a different way, or whether you need someone who has a style that's easier for you.
Either way, for myself I've ended up kind of glad my last therapist didn't bend himself to accommodate me. He was being honest in rejecting what I was trying to give him, and it's been devastating but I now see some of the many reasons for it. It was an unsafe situation, and it's worse if they try to pretend or ignore that.
((((RT))))
I found what you posted from that blogger to be particularly poignant here.
and this:
I remember feeling like I just needed my T to give me his hand, to reach out to me. I was down on the ground and needed someone to reach out to me to let me know I had value, that my life was worth living, that I was worth having around, that it was worth getting up again, worth the energy.
This is what we can do for each other.
I found what you posted from that blogger to be particularly poignant here.
quote:It is fundamentally up to each of us to help each other, both when we are down, and when others are down, to regain human connection and thereby regain connection to our own selves.
and this:
quote:It is NOT simply a matter of choosing life over death, or life instead of death, it is seeing and feeling and being encouraged, when one is unwell and feels they can't go on as they are, that such a choice exists at all.
I remember feeling like I just needed my T to give me his hand, to reach out to me. I was down on the ground and needed someone to reach out to me to let me know I had value, that my life was worth living, that I was worth having around, that it was worth getting up again, worth the energy.
This is what we can do for each other.
RT, I'm sorry that my comment may have sounded a bit cold. I don't mean to imply that this very painful situation is your fault, or that you should be grateful for it - nothing like that. It's hard and horrible, no question, and I know very well that we all just do the best we can in these situations.
What I was trying to convey is that in my own journey the most painful moments have been when a door to a less helpful way of handling things has been closed, against my will and before I've been ready. Ultimately I've come to see those moments as having ushered me towards turning points in my growth. That's hindsight, and it may be of no comfort now, but perhaps it might offer a tiny glimmer of light in relation to why your T is acting the way she is.
What I was trying to convey is that in my own journey the most painful moments have been when a door to a less helpful way of handling things has been closed, against my will and before I've been ready. Ultimately I've come to see those moments as having ushered me towards turning points in my growth. That's hindsight, and it may be of no comfort now, but perhaps it might offer a tiny glimmer of light in relation to why your T is acting the way she is.
No worries, RT. If my tone was 'off' it might be because I've just been dealing with some version of this myself, and it hurts like a bugger.
(((RT))) Have been a bit lost lately in my own life and therapy work, so I haven't felt I really knew what to say, but wanted to let you know I've been listening and sending good thoughts your way. I hope your session goes well and helps you get some clarity clarity on everything that is still stirred up.