I thought about something on Friday that I wanted to tell T. I was going to email him but then thought, Liese, he really doesn't want to hear about this stuff over the weekend. You're just a client. He doesn't want to deal with you. That set off an internal struggle that was headed in a very self-destructive direction.

I just kind of sat with the struggle for a while and tried to look at it from both sides: the part of me that wanted to contact T the thought (which was actually something designed to get him to see things my way and is an enactment in and of itself) and the part of me that thinks I don't mean much to him at all.

But then I thought, Why can't this just be easier? I want it to be easier. Why can't I just have this nice easy relationship with T? A secure one. One in which I can reach out to him when I want without fear that this will be the time I finally send him over the edge. One in which I can relax and just be myself and not worry about crossing a boundary. All the stress and anxiety over whether or not to send the email just really screwed with my night. And that's what I hate.

The good news is, I was able to let the struggle go after observing it all and wound up having a productive weekend. I was proud of myself. Just thought I'd share.