Here are some more of my most recent musings:

I am learning something about boundaries I never knew. I knew they were for my protection, but I did not know that they could provide me with a sense of self, a sense of place, and a sense of belonging to another person and in this world. I am amazed. I think I too could spend a whole session just talking about them and wanting to know more about their existence and how they define my being. I can hear it now; “Oooh, tell me more about how I _can’t_ be a part of your personal life (insert T’s name here).” Ok, I know it’s not really like that because boundaries actually mean that I DO have a place in her life and she has a place in mine. But it is a place nonetheless, and in that place there needs to be boundaries just as there are boundaries in every relationship (I never really was aware of the significance of that before.) But it makes so much sense now. (Insert light bulb here) <--- slow learner.

It also makes sense that I want to belong to my T as mother/child because of the strong limbic connections I am making. Though it seems slightly unfair that I am the only one who has to suffer with the sadness of desiring and longing for something more that I can’t have with her. But I need to focus on what I can have and I really have something valuable and good, something very healthy and most beneficial for my needs. It’s good to know that no matter how I may beg and plead for something to extend outside the boundaries that she won’t ever succumb to that, yet I am still allowed to be free in my expressions of my needs and feelings and to explore their nature and what they mean.

Boundaries don’t change my relationship or proximity to her as I feared they would, they have always been there, I just never got close enough to see them before. I was always too afraid that they implied rejection, but now I understand that they do not, instead they are a supreme protection of my place with her. (Boundaries contain us in a relationship, not seperate us) Whereas rejection is losing something that you are entitled to, which is something I’ve experienced my entire life. Protection is something I’ve never had before now. She does not take away anything that I am entitled to or that belongs in this relationship. I trust that implicitly and that gives me the freedom to explore my feelings openly even when they tend to feel like they are about her; even when they feel shameful or embarrassing. They are my feelings and I need to feel them and she allows me that. Where else can you find that sort of trust outside of our therapeutic relationship?Once again I believe that I have the best of her that is possible to have without losing what I need most from her. Boundaries add to that feeling of a tangible connection and closeness even when I am not in her presence, because I know where I belong now. (Insert ::happy tears:: emoticon here)

I hope I am not repeating myself or what anyone else has already spoken of on this subject. But it just feels so good that I want to share because I know boundaries are something we often try to avoid because of their negative connotation. But they are good. They are really good.

Thanks for listening.