NavyMe,

I do experience the same type of thing! Thankfully, my Ts have not asked me to say it (well, they've asked me to parent myself and say it to myself internally) but... that's too much exposure therapy for me.

I've gotten past a little of my self worth problems by doing things in my life to indulge and care carefully for myself. For example, getting a coffee if I want, or an ice-cream, or asking for what I need. I think that is how my Ts have tried to build the 'worth it'. Maybe you could ask her for things you could do instead of say.

I like Cat's idea here.

Saying that to myself, ugh, blah, puke. I think T has once asked me to repeat something self-valuing or even just countering a self-loathing/negating feeling and I flat-out refused.

If I get all freaked out about how much "work" we are, T sometimes says similar stuff to me, that we're worth it (to him). That makes me feel as if I have violated some rule, to be valued by him. I mean, it's very touching, but it can literally trigger an anxiety attack to hear that from him or be asked to try to claim that.

I am not past it yet, but I have gotten to the point where I can say, "It's OK that I have needs" (which is a step on the way to being worth it). I can't always believe that and apologize or self-loathe for needing/asking about 90% of the time still, but that is down from 99.99%, so that is progress, right?

I could say it... but it'd mean nothing. Just words without meaning. Besides what does it mean?
I am worth it...What is it? Worth what?

Yes to Cat's idea.

Definitely progress Yak


The only thing I could do in it was agree that if we weren't talking about ME, then I could agree that in general, children deserved a safe, loving, violence free environment. But even that was kindof impossible.

I mean, she was fantastic with it... No pushing. Just a really strong recognition that there is s huge problem with hearing, saying or feeling it.

Sometimes I think it sucks more to see how much she recognizes and empathyzes...

But ya, she is also huge into 'self care'... Favorite coffee, food, running etc... It took me a long while to figure out what self care even meant....you?

quote:

But ya, she is also huge into 'self care'... Favorite coffee, food, running etc... It took me a long while to figure out what self care even meant....you?

It took me a very long time to feel valuable enough to do that for myself and really sit with the experience and take it in as care. It could be that I have an eating disorder that it was more profound (the coffee stuff I mean) to my unconscious.

Sorry if I came across as dismissive or anything or saying "you'll be healed of you take a couple baths!" I just mean... Sometimes it's easier to notice some of the nice things you may/could do. Every week at my T's office I have to write what I'm proud of for the week - hardest part of seeing her.

Finding worth in ourselves is so difficult.

Reading the bible has helped me....The gospel of John...and the Psalms...Quiet reflection on God.

NavyMe,
I believe that our worth is integral to our being. That any human being is of infinite worth and deserving of love and care and attention. But though our worth is inherent, our sense of it is not. We must learn to "feel" our worth by having a loving other reflect that worth back to us. If we did not have that, which many of us did not, we learned a lie instead. That we were worthless. Some of us even learned that WANTING to feel worthwhile was an inherently bad thing to do.

One of the most healing things about therapy for me was that my T attending to me, listening, and understanding communicated to me a sense of my worth, because I experienced him as treating me as if I mattered, as if I was worthwhile. He believed I was and after I spent enough time with him, I implicitly learned that it was the truth.

I will never have the same secure "felt" sense of my worth that someone with "good enough" parenting would have, but it's much stronger than it used to be and I am much faster at beating back the lies that can get triggered.

So, while I understand the exercise from the point of view of getting you to consider that maybe, just maybe you are worthwhile and have dignity, I really think we learn it by having someone consistently treat us as worthwhile.

AG