(((((TAS)))))

What a great story. It sounds like you have a lot of genuine affection for him.

I can't remember my first appointment. Though I do remember thinking that I wasn't attracted to him and was relieved about that. The joke was on me.

He intimidated me a bit and I don't know that I necessarily clicked with him at the beginning. His office is in an office building and he's has multiple day receptionists and night receptionists. It didn't seem very therapisty.

But I was in such bad shape when I arrived at his doorstep. My last breath got me there and he was welcoming and kind even if he intimidated me. I literally collapsed when I got there and haven't moved since. LOL!

Liese:

"The joke was on me..." LOL! So true. Thanks for sharing...

T.

I remember my first session very well. As in, down to what I was wearing (and what T was wearing!).

I went into therapy too with the feeling that it wouldn't really last long and I didn't really have anything to talk about . I had seen a psychologist for a consultation and he recommended psychoanalysis and said he would refer me to T. in the meantime. When I left that appointment I thought, "well, that's the end of that. He's not going to see me and I have no intention of contacting these other P's to try to get on their waiting lists [especially seeing the original reason I went in was for social anxiety]." A little while after that, I received a call from the clinic saying I had been referred to see T and to book an appointment. Luckily (!) I thought, okay, whatever I'll go in and see at least. For some reason I was expecting a kind of dowdy middle-aged woman. So I was in the waiting room for my first session not really knowing what to expect and watching various T's/P's coming in and out. Then one came out and said my name and I was surprised: she's quite young and beautiful (not just in a transference-infused way! ).

Now, I have a habit of attaching very powerfully to a certain type of person. She is definitely my ideal "type." And it happened almost immediately. Should have been a cue to run then but of course I didn't want to. This was wonderful! She explained though that the clinic generally offers only short-term therapy and I was ALREADY worried about that after the first session. I did not expect to leave feeling so relieved and happy. I just got really lucky that I clicked with the first T I was referred to. And also VERY lucky that I am still seeing her now! I ended up getting an extension, and then a re-referral from my doctor and so I've been able to keep booking appointments. I have developed such a connection with my T and she really is the perfect T for me. Unfortunately, I'm always afraid of the end and am not sure when it's going to come. She did say she would give me plenty of warning and I sincerely hope that's the case.

It's fascinating reading all of your stories. Thanks for sharing.

Ha, well actually my first session with my T didn't get off to the best start. And I actually forgot about this, because she's been so wonderful that it doesn't even cross my mind.

I was petrified. Completely scared to go to the session. But, I park my car, open the door, go up the stairs, and then come to the door for my T's suite of offices. Put my hand on the doorknob..

The damn thing was locked.

So then I'm standing here wondering, am I here at the right time? Am I in the right place? Was I supposed to call or something? Is there a magical therapy key to open the door that I don't know about? So I just stood there, trying to decide what to do. I don't remember exactly how long I waited, maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but T finally comes in and up the stairs. But I actually wasn't sure if it was her, considering we hadn't ever met before. So that was awkward, too. But she apologized for being late and ushered me in and we just started the session.

Anyway, we got in there and everything went fine, but we didn't actually click at first. At least it didn't feel like it. I was only used to my first T who, in hindsight, pushed me way too fast, so T's approach was so different and I didn't get it at first. It took me about 5 sessions to really know that she was the right T for me. But in the beginning I was also completely petrified that I wasn't "doing it right" and that I wasn't progressing quickly enough, so I needed to settle into what actual, good therapy was.

We're over 2 years in now, and I'm so grateful for such a wonderful T.

I went after two years of being on zoloft for depression and anxiety. I knew I needed to, and my doc kept encouraging me. Finally, a good friend of mine told me she had done 10 weeks of EMDR therapy and it was awesome. I felt this was something I could handle. The first T I went to was odd - so I decided I'll try one more and if she was no good, it wasn't for me. I met with her and was very to the point and detached and explained I wanted to do some EMDR because I thought it was my "last" hurdle to conquer what might still be hollding me back. she was clam and said okay and I liked her. Now it's been a year and a half and I look back at the "old" me thinking I had it all worked out and some quick EMDR would "fix" me...lol! I can't remember when she started telling me it would take a long time, but I did use to question her all the time on giving me a final time frame. I just knew I couldn't do this forever. Now...I'm in the middle of it all and know I can't return to what I was and have to keep trusting that there's a better life waiting for me through all this messiness.

Love this thread!

I also love looking back to the first time I met T. I remember being so favorably impressed just driving to her office. Even though it is right in the city, it was nestled in a little wooded cul-de-sac that I didn't even know existed before! It was like entering a different world, from city to country in less than a couple minutes. As I was getting out of the car I noticed storm clouds were gathering, and a gentle, mid summer afternoon random thunderstorm was in full swing by the time I filled out paper work. Her little office was so perfect-- lined with books and pretty paintings and knick knacks, comfortable furniture, plants. It was like a Victorian library but not as fussy or stuffy. I settled in an armchair as far from T as possible. I could see out a window. It felt very cozy to sit there looking out at trees and rain, hearing tap tap tapping of raindrops on the roof meanwhile.

T herself I liked quite a bit from the beginning as well. The level of relaxation, calm, acceptance and cheerful zen unflappability that she exuded felt strange to me, but I decided she was perfect almost immediately.

I talked a lot that session. I had had things bottled up for so long and something about the setting and her interested, respectful, friendly face made the words just start tumbling out in a torrent. I said more than I had intended, but a lot less than I would go on to tell her, for sure. I believe I surprised her some. My story is not exactly horrific, but it is unusual. Her eyes widened at several points, which amused me a bit for some reason.

At the end of the session when we talked about me coming back, she asked a few very appropriate questions: did I feel comfortable talking to her? did she activate my anxieties at all? was there anything I wanted to ask about her? (!), did I have any questions at all?

Well, I did have a question. I demanded to know if I "seemed horrible to her in any way that would make her not want to work with me?" lol. She smiled and said, "Oh, I think it would be fascinating to work with you!"

And, well, here we are. One year later this month.

It was a good session. Good memory.
Thanks for starting this thread. I've loved reading some of the stories here, too. Hope more people come and comment.

I don't remember much because I was really lost at the time and life was crazy.

I do know I was scared. We met in her partner's office because something was getting done in hers. Her office is much more comfortable his was really organized/modern. I filled out paper work then talked to her for an hour and a half. I was incredibly suicidal at the time (had just gotten out of the hospital also). So we probably talked about that. I really spent about my first 9-12 months of therapy in shaking horrible fear of my T because everything else was such a mess.

T2 I don't remember meeting either. All I remember from session is looking at a candle (she was helping me try to ground I think). Evidently with her I was completely dissociated and barely talked for again 9-12 months.

With both of them (and I still see them now) I remember thinking... I'm never going to get along with these people, they are probably useless, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. My first step in to paralyzing fear

It sort of felt like for the longest time I was one toe in the room, one leg, back out of the room... I don't think I was ever completely THERE for a first session until a good year in to my therapy with both of them. Despite a really hard start for me I'd have never predicted I'd be where I am now and how much good work we've done and how far far far far far I've come.

Anyway I wish I had cuter memories LOL.

It was interesting to read everyone's first session

I remember the night before my first appointment I couldn't sleep because I was scared the T would hate me. My H told me not to worry because if he hated me I'd never have to go back.

I remember sitting in the parking lot and telling myself to just go in, tell him everything that was wrong and then listen to his suggestions and go home! I cringe a little thinking about me trying to make my problems seem normal or concern-worthy, i.e., "You know that top 10 list of stressful life events - death in the family, moving, etc.?" [T nods.] "In the past year I've had four."

I remember I couldn't look any further up than his knees for some reason and remember feeling this comfortable soft "aura" from him though even though I couldn't look at him. I also recall exactly what I wore that day <insert another cringe>.

~D.

Interesting question!

Once again it seems I don't fall into the same box as the rest of humanity. I should be quite used to that by now.

For me, my therapy did not begin by going to a professional therapist. Instead it began by me going to an alternative health practioner. I never entered the doors with any intention of therapy. I was "together" "in control" and "strong". I went because I thought I must have hormonal problems. Never once did I think that the experiences that I had been through during my childhood and life, and the feelings and thoughts that ran through my mind and body, could have been quite so toxic, and identified as being the root causes of my health problems. Perhaps I had been "suffocating" them and putting a "veil" on them for so long that I didn't even realise where they began and ended, and I certainly didn't realise the power they had over me. Up until then I thought I had the power over them.

I remember the day clearly. I remember the weather and exactly what I was wearing. I remember what she was wearing (all of it - not just her shoes). I remember sitting in the chair and taking note of all the details in the room. I remember starting off relaxed, and then I remember for the first time in my life mentioning the word "molested" in the same sentence as "me". Why I chose to tell her, I'm still not sure. A feeling came over me that I can never explain. From the moment those words came out my mouth, my whole being became paralysed, and anxious, and confused and so many other things all at the same time. I'd sworn my entire life to take my secrets to the grave, and I was so angry at my weakness. The PTSD that I had never recalled ever suffering from before, burst into my mind and body like a fanatical soccer crowd entering into a cup final against their rival team. I had no way of closing the gates. The crowded memories were too strong. They were destructive. They were loud. They were overbearing, and they left me out of control. My perfectly maintained stadium now housed awakened and vocal demons of destruction, that lacked control and boundaries. They scared my inner child until my inner child screamed for help, and my "therapist" out of her depth, but the only therapist I would ever trust tried to help. I refused to go anywhere else. I refused to tell another soul. Look what telling did! I don't think either one of us could ever have imagined the impact of my "opening up". It was a journey that in so many ways I would rather not have taken, but a journey that I have gained immeasurable insight and understanding. On one hand I loathe the transference that I suffered, on the other hand I melted into the love that it offered, and when she finally terminated the "therapy" the pain of abandonment and rejection was more than I could ever accurately explain. I would never choose to go through that pain again - never - but I also acknowledge the lessons and subsequent knowledge that no amount of books could ever have accurately explained to me.

Would I choose to do it again? Probably not. It's one of those bitter sweet experiences with a lot more bitter than sweet. Today I don't know where my path leads, but I do know that therapy changed my paths direction.

B2W

Wow... My first visit was nearly a year ago... oddly enough, it's hard to remember what it was like.

There was some paperwork involved, and some chit chat about the process, the therapeutic relationship and such...

When I went, I had this 'shocker' version of my current life's story... It was this version I had worked out to tell people in a 'Ya, well...THIS!" knowing that they'd get bothered, and freak out and leave - Like everyone had.

So... I told that story.... And got the most amazing response. She disclosed something about herself to allow me to see that the things I'd said weren't actually all that 'shock worthy', and that I wasn't as alone as I felt.

And now it's a year later...I can't even imagine where I'd be right now if I hadn't taken that step the first time.

Interesting stories!

I don't recall much from my first session with my T. I remember being nervous as hell and in a state of confusion about what this whole therapy thing was about.

I seriously don't remember anything about the intake or informed consent, which is causing me problems right now. My T doesn't give me reminders or clarify too much for me. Maybe I could ask about that. I'm learning about informed consent and introductions in T training school right now.

What I do remember about my first session with T was that I thought she was friendly, beautiful and soft/kind and that I clicked with her right away. I also remember that she spent the majority of the time introducing herself and telling me her life story in a way. I guess when she finally turned the session over toward me I spilled a ton of stuff about what I thought I needed to work on and what I was afraid of. Maybe her telling me about her life led me to open up more easily. Within 2 minutes of her listening to me T said that it was evident that I had been abused and she wanted to know when that was. I told her briefly (not in detail at that point) about csa. Then, she asked me about my relationships and asked me to start with my husband and how things were going there.
I remember telling her in the last 10 minutes of the session that hubby was having an affair and I wanted to know how I could save my marriage, if it could be saved and how could I change to help this process. I was in a very low state and feeling confused and lost. I had been feeling like that for months and had tried to handle saving my marriage on my own and realized I needed help with something. I actually went to see my pastor first and he referred me to my T.

At that point I hadn't realized that I was also being abused by my husband. That's still hard to admit and wrap my brain around.

At the end of the first session T wanted to see me every two weeks. I remember it felt good to finally talk to someone about my problems. In my family going to therapy was for "crazy" people and it was frowned upon, so this was a hard step to take.
Funny....now that I'm a T in training my mother still doesn't think this therapy thing is real (a pseudoscience) and only somewhat supports me in this decision. She is happy for me that I seem to enjoy learning about counseling and that I'm working on my masters. She's just not that fond of the whole T field.

I just went the other day to a client-driven T. First meeting.

I asked her how much she charges, and a few questions about the cost of leasing space in the building, and commented on her waiting room, which was very relaxing. I told her I was looking for a space soon, hope she didn't mind my asking- and her office had a fantastic view. She lets me use my laptop and drink coffee. She also does a bit of business mentoring. She had a fantastic "vibe".

I was very clear about what I wanted and what I did not want. Please keep in mind here that the things I want are not necessarily what others want, but I'm glad that client-driven T's exist or I would have opted out of therapy altogether, concluding that it just wasn't for me.

Therapy is a refuge to me, and I told her that no "confrontation" or the euphemism "challenging" was desired in my therapy. She wholeheartedly agreed that I was paying for the session and I was the one who decided how the session would go. We agreed that life outside therapy was evolving me, and that I'm not hiring someone to "change" me. We both find that idea ridiculous. Use of the word "damaged" was prohibited by me, I am a whole person and want to be regarded as one, regardless of any abuse that I have experienced lately. It's the abuser that wasn't whole. I chose to be whole. At least use the language of health, not pathology.

She stated (without my prompting) that we are EQUALS. Good. I told her that I'm not signing the emotional blank check of going through a "process" that isn't defined or caters to a hidden agenda of the therapist's. I'm not there to be told what to do, think, feel, what my motives are, or who I am. She not only agreed, but expounded on that thought for a minute. I felt immense relief.


I am a pretty self-aware person, and I just want to go to therapy to be heard and validated so that I don't have to bottle up emotions and burden other people with it, or allow it to subtly affect MY clients. In this context I thrive and tend to examine myself honestly, and admit to weaknesses as well as acknowledging strengths.

I had a bad experience with therapy and she told me that many, many T's have their own unresolved issues that they inadvertently dump on their clients, and that any T should be going through their own therapy. She is.

She was very respectful of me and that makes me respect her more. I'm not interested in a parent/child dynamic at my age. She knows, she gets it. I told her I'm not going to feed any narcissistic therapists (she had mentioned that many T's are narcissists) and she laughed.

She has some of the same books I do, and recommended more!

It was good, very conversational and healing. I felt freer and lighter when I left. Gone are the days when I felt heavy and upset each time I had an interaction with my T, who did me more harm than good. I did not realize it at the time, but he was motivated by power and control.

I was also clear that I wasn't to be "ensnared" by having her "get me to trust her" followed by provoking comments. She does not believe in this kind of manipulation. If I want to have my buttons pushed, I'll talk to my brother. If I want to be judged, I can get that via my work. If I want to keep doubting myself, I can go back to my Gaslighting ex T. No thanks. That's other people's shit, not mine. I told her this, and she was direct...She said, literally, in a very non-defensive way..that I "would not be getting any of that bullshit from her! " Good things can happen if I just ask! And if not, well, I move on, and that's ok! But clarity is KEY.

She isn't cheap, but this is OK. It keeps the power balance in check. She referred to me as a consumer, who has the right to fire her at will. I like that. She was not going to put it on me, tell me that I had "issues" for not continuing therapy if that were to be the case. If I did quit, at this point, I would know that it was because she was dishonest, because I was so clear UP FRONT about what I wanted and what I was willing to pay for. I suppose the only other reason would be if I simply ran out of funds.

It is important for me to pay her whatever her asking fee is, even if I can't do it every week, because I want to feel like I'm worth whatever I charge for the work I do, if that makes sense. So I acknowledge her for all the hard work she has put into building her practice.

I'm so glad she doesn't play games, but we shall see.

I feel cautiously optimistic.

I noticed a few others mentioned verbal abuse here. I have been reading Patricia Evans's books. I can post this in the book discussion.

I can relate.

PS: NavyMe: Kudos to your T for helping you to feel that you are not so alone! It's that thing about feeling WHOLE. I think.

Loved reading about each of the unique experiences! Thank you for sharing part of your story.

I will try and respond a little more personally when I am feeling a little better.

T.

I'm glad you're still around, TAS. i hope you're feeling better soon.

Thank you Closed Doors!