I have a journal, but it's mostly for me to record any insights, thoughts, or experiences I'm having so that I can go back and look at them later, rather than forgetting them. I would probably feel weird reading it to my T. But it would be normal for me to flip through the last few days in advance of a session to remember what has been going on with me since the last one.

I love to journal! I have been a journaler since I was an adolescent, and have most of those old journals, too.

I don't bring my journal in to share with T, but I will compile journal entries into a "Dear T" type letter and bring that in when I know I've got something hard to talk about or when I know I'll not be able to speak what needs to be said.

I often flip through my journal the morning before therapy to remind myself of anything that came up that might need further exploring with T.

I do indeed journal.

It's great to look back on in order to see what was going on in my mind in the earlier days.

Both of them are online. The link below is my general journal about general tish and tosh about stuff, sometimes about therapy. But I have a particular specific one about therapy too which is nice. I write in that one usually after session or if I'm having particular strong feelings/opinions about what is going on in therapy.

I'm a compulsive note book scribbler. Lately a lot of what I write is lists-- to do lists, shopping lists, goals, books I want to read, etc.-- but quotes, Scripture verses, poems, and some of my own ramblings and thoughts get mixed in as well. Keeping a notebook/journal is a habit I've had since childhood. Since my journals are kind of chaotic and jumbled and contain a fair amount of "fluff" I doubt they'd be therapeutically useful, but I don't think I'd mind T looking at them in principle, if there was a reason.

I journal. I have done it off and on. There were periods of my life where I journaled everyday (during a deep depression in college, for example) and other times I have just written as things come up (my poetry during high school and my therapy-related journals now). I started journaling for therapy, because my T asked me to start identifying and feeling my emotions very early on and I didn't feel I could do it without recording what I "heard" about how I felt...it now occurs to me that is a bit weird of a way to figure out how you feel, but oh well.

My journals were not addressed to anyone at first, but once they became pretty regularly about my sessions and the reactions they produced (and as I was sharing all of them with my T), I started addressing them to my T directly. It was less weird to say "when you said..." than "when Dr. _ said," knowing full-well he was the only other person I would have read them. Sometimes posts on my sessions here have gotten incorporated into my journal if I made a realization I hadn't yet made.

We use my computer-written journals (I email them to him) to discuss and resolve things that have arisen as a result of my experiences in session or things that came up for me out of session, but were too overwhelming to wait to discuss in session. It's also useful for pointing out things that are either hard to communicate (complex ideas) or scary to initiate in session, so my T can read through and introduce the topic and I don't have to worry that it is taboo or anything. That way, we get around to talking about those really hard things rather than me just avoiding them to be "good" all the time.

I also have a hand-written journal that I use mostly for writing short notes, doodling and what I call dashing, which is just lots of lanes and dots and geometric shapes, which I discovered I was using to manage anxiety and keep myself present when I started to get disoriented from dissociation. I haven't needed to do that almost at all since becoming more comfortable with parts work, because I'm not really resisting, fighting off the thoughts and emotions that don't feel they belong to me.

HIC - My journal entries are LONG when I'm not writing everyday. My last one was over seven pages 1.15 spaced, although I hadn't sent T one in over four weeks. I have always considered them too long and not useful, but my T has suggested that are incredibly helpful and really likes receiving them. So, it's hard to ever judge for yourself what might be useful to someone else or not. Just a thought!

I am almost a compulsive journaler. Lately, I have read from mine during therapy. I had spent too many months going and freezing when I needed to talk. I tried refreshing my thoughts from my journal prior to sessions and even rehearsing conversations in my mind before going, but I'd still freeze up. I started by flipping through my journal to remind myself of what had gone through my mind or events that happened during the week. Now, my T asks me to read it word by word to hear my unedited thoughts and feelings.

I wonder if you more experienced types might be able to provide me with some insight....

I generally use my journal to write specific things that arise between sessions and refer to it directly...to the point that my T will actually ask from time to time if there's anything else in 'the book' that i want to bring up.

I have, until now... written things on a variety of occasions about feelings toward my T - Generally insecurities and things I later rationalize (before having the courage to bring them up) as projecting my insecurity onto her for no reason - and dismiss them.

I feel like it might be necessary to address these and other 'omissions' with her. To the point that I emailed her earlier this week asking if she would consider reading it- Citing the above reasons. She responded kindly, indicating that she would entertain the idea, but asked that we open a discussion about it first in our next session.

Here's my problem.

I'm afraid that if I bring these things up, the insecurities and other things I 'feel' (but that part of me knows aren't linked to her, or what they seem to be)... that it will complicate my sessions, detract from the real purpose of them, or make her feel like she needs to change something... I'm afraid of losing the way our sessions go, or losing them all together.

It all seems so ridiculous on paper, and now I'm scared that when I bring things up at our next session like we've planned (or rather, she reads them because I feel incapable of actually saying them out loud)... that it's all going to be screwed up.

Ugh...

NavyMe . In my experience it has definitely been worth while talking to my T about my insecurities. The more I was able to talk to my T the more I have become to trust her . For me what I thought sounded silly my T found interesting because she was able to start to see why I was feeling the way I was and it has deepened our relationship as she was never judgemental but only kind and caring which has allowed me to trust her . I`m not very good at writing things down but I thing what I am trying to say that for me I took a huge risk in letting my T into my world but it has been sometimes a painful journey but for me it has paid off . I hope this is some help .

Navy, I've got to agree with beagle here. I've brought my irrational, largely tranferential insecurities up to my T on many occasions. It didn't change anything except that I felt understood and closer to her. So I say, go for it!

NavyMe,

Sorry not to have responded sooner on this thread as I have found journaling extremely effective during therapy. I would often turn to writing when I felt confused because it was in writing out my feelings, without censoring them, that I could often make connections and find understanding.

I wrote my journals for myself alone and they were mainly centered around my work in therapy. As I know someone else mentioned, I often found them useful in looking back and being able to see my progress or bringing to mind something important that happened or my therapist said that I didn't remember. I wrote my journals for my eyes only but would often bring up insights and connections I made in my sessions

(I once actually brought my journal to session with me because I wanted to make sure I remembered all the details of an entry. Right after I walked out at the end of the session, I realized I had left my journal on the loveseat in my Ts office. I literally whirled around, pounded on the door and when my T opened it, said "I left my journal" ran over and grabbed it, turned around and said to my T on the way back out, "I don't even want God knowing what's in my journal, let alone you." My T graciously laughed as I sped back out. )

I am also voting to bring this up. My T often told me that emotions are often irrational, that makes them no less worthy of being heard. And the longer I worked with my therapist the more our worked centered on our relationship. During the most intense part of my healing, it became all about discussing our relationship and my feelings about him. Now we would often find ourselves moving into my past and other relationships in order to understand what was going on, but my relationship with him was what allowed me to see my unconscious beliefs and actions. I would then have to return to my past to figure out where those beliefs and actions came from which was really healing.

Inevitably, over and over, so much of what came up in our relationship, turned out to NOT be about him but about my past. So I brought up a LOT of irrational stuff about my insecurities that I was certain were not true, but *knowing* that they weren't true did not budge my feelings. It was only in being heard and understood that I was able to work through them.

I talked to my therapist about fearing abandonment by him, about being scared to stay because I feared being hurt by him, that I felt like he didn't care, I felt like I was just a specimen at times, etc etc. On occasion I threatened to throw things at him. Being able to do that was part of how I learned that all of me, all of my feelings were acceptable and could be expressed in a committed relationship. It was also how I was able to put a lot of fears to rest, because he would listen and be non-defensive and in many cases provide reassurance.

I believe that our healing is directly connected to our ability to be as honest as possible about what we are feeling and thinking, no matter how irrational it feels. It's also as scary as hell to be open with this stuff. But a good therapist knows how to not take it personally. My T always understood and normalized where these feelings were coming from. Honestly, he is often much more accepting of my feelings that I am.

All of which is my way of saying, I think it would be good to bring up these "omissions." It is not an avoiding of the work, it IS the work oftentimes. My first rule of therapy if you don't know what to discuss is to figure out what scares you the most to talk about and start with that.

AG

I treat my journal as a place to 'remove thoughts from my head temporarily' so I can continue on with life. Intruding thoughts can go round and round in my head and keep me from playing with my kids or going to sleep at night. Then I take it to therapy every session and refer to it if I need to. I do not read from it, though, but I really think I should. I filter things when I talk to T, not on purpose, I just do, I guess, naturally. I then 'forget' I don't have to with her. Anyway....sometimes my journal has full sessions in it, as I go home and write how the session went, but not consistently. Sometimes they are just notes. I also have a private blog that I type in, especially if I want to document full sessions from my head. Easier than writing with my hand. But, since I don't print them out, they are not useful for therapy. With the 14 day break, I'll definitely be using my journal in therapy tomorrow!

Hello all,
I wanted to thank each of you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

When I went into my session, I asked if we could discuss the email I'd sent. We discussed, and my T explained that she wanted me to think about the therapeutic value to trying to actually say it out loud. She also said that she saw therapeutic value in my sitting there while she read it, because it probably wouldn't be any easier to do so. Knowing how she had previously expressed feeling about reading things from my journal (that she was concerned about interpreting things in a way that resonated with her, instead of in a way that resonated with me)... I opted to attempt to read it.

So I did. It was challenging, and terrifying... And she was patient, kind and incredibly understanding. She took the time to explain once again that she wasn't going anywhere, and further explained the very remote reasons she would ever consider terminating with a client. She said she could see that I was afraid and took all the time it took to get through my fears. (It took the entire session, and then some)

At the end of it, I think I had a grasp on what she was getting to...

That she was able to 'hear' the insecure issues etc, even if they involved her.... But that the at the same time, she was able to not 'experience' it.

I guess, to use a bad analogy, she can see the ball I'm tossing at her, possibly understand the reason I threw it... But it won't actually -hit- her.

At the end of the session, she gave me a hug. The hug was about it being my birthday, but... it was something I'd really needed.

Hi Navyme,

So glad to hear it went so well! It was very courageous of you to read it out loud and I agree with your therapist, it is in experiencing our feelings "in the moment" and having an attuned,caring other respond that we heal. But be very proud of yourself, because it really is terrifying to do! Your T sounds like she responded beautifully. I am glad that you were able to get a hug at the end and that helped also.

And Happy Birthday!

AG

Muff - Are you new to therapy? I'd never used one prior to starting either.

AG - Thanks very much! It was my 30th, a fairly big one...And happened to fall on our new appointment day (my schedule keeps changing with the new job, and she keeps accommodating me). It wasn't until the end of the session when she asked about my weekend plans and I mentioned a maid appointment later that afternoon because I 'didn't want to clean my house on my birthday'... that my T actually knew it was my birthday... At which point, she gave me a big, real hug... She had done the same at Christmas... it's a very powerfully kind gesture.

Thanks so much for your insights - I truly appreciated your thoughts.