(((ERICA)))

My T used to mention conversations that he had with other clients when he felt it was related to me. He did it fairly often and did it more in some sessions than others. I finally found up the courage to tell him I didn't like it and asked him to stop.

There were a lot of reasons I didn't like it. The least flattering for me was jealousy of his relationships with other clients. However, it also made me feel as if he wasn't in the room with me but was constantly connected to things outside of our relationship. It also impacted on how intimate I felt with him. He was bringing all these other people into the room - which leads me to my final objection, that he wasn't being sensitive to the fact that I had one T and he had lots of clients. Sometimes, I even felt as though he was shoving it in my face, that he had all these other relationships.

Honestly, I don't know why he did it. A part of me felt like it WAS laziness on his part and another part of me thinks it might have been some kind of transference management on his part. It could be one or all of these things but all I know is our relationship has improved since he stopped doing it.

I think he had/has a lot of good traits as a therapist but he definitely has had some weaknesses. He's always receptive, however, and never gets his feelings hurt when I complain about something.

My T has done that. I don't really mind. The only time it sort of bothered me was when she kept telling me about this one client of hers that had also seen the same Pdoc I had 20 years ago. It was like she was comparing and contrasting our issues. Most times when she brings in stories from other clients it really helps me not feel so wierd.

Jillann

Hi Erica,
My T does this as well. He will talk about other client's experiences if it is helpful to what we are talking about. He is also careful that no identifying details are provided and only talks about another client for my benefit.

There have been a few times where I have directly discussed another client with him because of my reactions (I've been jealous of my husband , gotten jealous about another client I heard laughing with him and don't get me started about finding an acknowledgement of him in a very successful author's book) and at those times, he is very boundaried. He is more than willing to discuss my feelings but not a word about the other client.

He actually shared something about another client's reaction to a gift I had given him that was very powerful and led to a very healing moment. I think he uses other client's experiences the same way he uses his own; with discretion and only for my benefit.

So, IMHO, based on what you are describing, your T is doing nothing wrong.

AG

Thank you all for your replies! It's good to hear that my T isn't the only one who has spoken about her other clients. But I'm sorry Liese that his disclosures weren't very helpful for you. I'm glad he isn't defensive and you're able to let him know what is and isn't helping. That's pretty amazing because not everyone can be that assertive!

Thanks Jillann and AG. I'm glad to hear that your Ts use this type of disclosure in ethical, beneficial ways. I hope Jillann that you're able to tell your T if what she's saying isn't helping. I know how hard that is. It took me almost a year to tell my T how her talking about other clients adversely affected me. Sigh.

AG, I am forever in awe of your authenticity and your ability to maintain that in therapy. You're just so real, and despite potential excruciating shame, you're able to share yourself (the good and the bad!) with your T. He must feel so honored to be able to witness that.

I think for me, I am SO sensitive to other people and their needs. If my T mentions another one of her clients, I automatically assume they need more, deserve to be in therapy more, etc. So I kind of just want to shrivel up and disappear. I think my T knows this now, so she's adjusted slightly because of this. And one time she was just very very off with her comparison. I think she probably knows that now Maybe she even regrets her comparison...although I don't remember if she ever apologized. Not that I need her to. Anyway, thanks for the replies!

Your T is definitely not the only one.

Both of my Ts do. It's helpful, because I know they are integrating their work - it means they are thinking about how things correlate, and could maybe try to employ even more ways to help you. Lots of times she'll share stuff her clients have shared like movie/book recommendations, or the occasional funny quip that relates to something I'm complaining about, or the world in general.

It makes me wonder what my T may have shared about me, and at the same time... I think a lot of it is anonymous also, like I said about a T integrating their work. I know I have to draw on other experiences for my own work it would be weird if I isolated them... especially because I deal with a lot of people.

Anyway, my apologies on the ramble. It sucks when it is off the mark, and I feel you there for sure.

((Erica)) My T has also discreetly mentioned other Client examples to me, of course never using their name. One time he mentioned to me, that he discussed something about me, without using my name to another Client, to try and help them. He reassured me he was very discreet. Honestly, I was kinda freaked out the first time he mentioned another situation of an unknown patient to me as an example, even if it was an example to help me. I immediately thought, what is going to prevent him from discussing my stuff with other patients. Well like I said, he has done that, and I realize that is pretty much a "norm" in Therapy, and now I'm not so nervous about it, and I realize he is trying to benefit his clients, and to do so discreetly.

Thank you Cat! I also wonder what she shares about me (if anything) to other clients. One time she took my doctor's info to give to another client who has the same issue. She's also given me a PCP referral that came from one of her other clients. I think she likes to be helpful I don't mind that at all...just like I said, that one time when she was way off in her comparison. But...I'm glad you've found it helpful. I've always thought that your T sounds pretty amazing! Mine is too

And thanks Eme for your response! Yeah, I think you're probably right that it's the "norm" to bring things in from other clients. I'm just glad most Ts (here anyway) seem to only do that when they think it will help us move along or understand something better. That's definitely important!

I pulled this topic back up because I am struggling with this tonight after today's session. I think my feelings and reactions are more along the lines of how Liese has felt in the past when her T spoke of other clients.

My T keeps mentioning this one client and it's really pissing me off at this point. He probably thinks he's helping me but it's making me resentful and it shuts me down. This other client was also hurt by an exT and they went through a long healing process in this regard and the other client also had traumas to deal with. He keeps holding her up as an example to me. See "X" had such a similar situation as you and she has healed so nicely and she was able to do this work no problem and we have such a wonderful happy relationship now and she still comes in to see me even though she is pretty much done with therapy because we have such wonderful conversations and she has just grown SO much. It's all about growth and exploration now. And she is able to see clearly her progress and how she got to where she is now and has a clear understanding and she now is able to help others process their issues, blah blah blah." (Evidently she is an AA counselor).

Like Liese said, it just makes me feel that he is not with ME but thinking of HER all the freaking time. And I do NOT like being compared to someone else. I hear only "well, she did this with such ease and flying colors so what is your problem?" I am stuck in therapy now because I cannot seem to trust my T enough to believe I can do trauma processing in 45 minutes and go back to a busy job dealing with phones calls from clients and 3 bosses AND having to sit next to one of T's clients who works with me.

T seems to believe that he can process the trauma in a half hour and then "put a band aid" on me to hold me until the next time. I don't believe this and he says it's because I don't trust him enough. I'm hemorrhaging with grief and trauma and he seems to think a band aid will suffice. Uh, I don't think so. So then he drags out the story of Miss Perfect Star Patient to hold up to me. I'm a failure in comparison from the start. How can I ever live up to his lofty idealization of Miss Perfect? I know he's thinking that hearing about Miss Perfect will encourage me to move ahead but instead I am even more paralyzed because I can never live up to his high opinion of her and it makes me just want to give up, quit or disappear.

And his idea of slapping a band aid on my trauma and abuse feels so dismissive and invalidating. Like it's no big deal and he is so all powerful I should just be happy with the band aid and suck it up at work for hours after my sessions so I can then process it later. He makes it all sound so easy peasy.

I am pretty angry with him tonight. Can you tell? I just don't know what to do next. I cannot focus tonight and feel so out of sorts and abandoned. Oh yeah maybe I just need that band aid until next week....

(A very angry) TN

(((((TN))))))

Ouch that would hurt big time!! I think I'd curl up in a ball to hear those types of caparisons, it's just not helpful. I'm sorry you're facing that now, I hope there will be some sort of resolve to the comments and the time frame he's trying to work in. FWIW my P has told me a few times that other patients have done so well on certain meds, and while I find it absurd to think two people would respond to meds in the same way, I actually find it MORE absurd to compare two people's therapy. It's just such a personal journey and there are so many factors involved, not least of which being the basic fact that you can't compare two human beings like that. I think it feels somewhat like being compared to a sibling and asked why you aren't doing what they're doing, it just reinforces old hurtful messages.

Anyway off my soapbox now, my point being again that I'm sorry things are rough going now, and hope it starts looking up again soon!

quote:

I think it feels somewhat like being compared to a sibling and asked why you aren't doing what they're doing, it just reinforces old hurtful messages.

Hi AH... thank you. I think what you wrote above could be part of my hurt feelings and anger over this. Constantly being unfavorably compared to my sister was part of my childhood. It was not fun. Not my sister's fault by any means and we have a good relationship. It was my mother who didn't realize the harm of this.

And yes, I also feel that MY journey in therapy is MINE and he's taking that away from me. On some level I know he does not mean to do this but it is impacting me very negatively. I know my T does not want to hurt me but he is. I guess I'm going to have to tell him again to STOP talking about her and comparing us.

Hugs
TN

My T mentioned a client the other day in reference to something I had said, but she brought him up so quickly that it was as though she had been wanting to mention him for some time. Apparently she sees some parallels to his situation and mine.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. On the one hand, I was happy to hear her input because she rarely speaks in therapy other than to ask questions (she uses a psychoanalytic approach). So any time she provides feedback or input, I am all ears.

On the other hand, I didn't like the way her eyes lit up when she was talking about this male client of hers. I wondered if she had a crush on him the way her pupils dilated and she gushed about how strong he is. Granted, she was saying that I am resilient like he is and she was paying me a compliment, but I didn't like how it was wrapped up in this gushy dialogue about her other client. She was glowing when she spoke about him. Ick.

Mostly though, I am not upset about it and it didn't create any type of rupture or distrust or anything like that. It was just odd to me, but I can see how if it happened regularly, I would have an issue with it.

((((LG))))

I just thought about you last night and wondered how you were doing. How weird is that that you posted today. You must have heard my thoughts. How are you? I've missed you very much!!!

Hi Liese!

I've missed you all as well! I haven't had a lot of time to check in here lately but I do think of you all often. How are you? So funny that you were just thinking of me and then here I appear and post. life is so strange that way!

xoxo
LG