Effed... that's exactly what I felt like when I saw my T, and it really scared me, because of everyone in my life, on my support team, T is the only one I can not live without. At least not yet (nor anytime in the distant future, either.) I didn't hear it as an ultimatum and I know it wasn't a threat, it is T putting things into my hands, holding me accountable for my own work. T's said it before - I have to do the work, I have to make the effort, I have to WANT to do this (more than just...Read More...

I empathize with your feeling of making it up/ I can hardly believe it happens to me but I have recordings and I woudl have to be an amazing actress to be making it up. I can't even imitate it when out of it, to my husband so he can hear what sounds I make. I find it all very odd. BUt real. I feel so real. I seem to be accessing parts of my mind that I have locked down. And they are still there. I would be very gentle to yourself. When it happens to me, I have to sleep a lot afterwards and...Read More...

Hi BTW What a hard predicament for you, and how tough to only allow free treatment to those that had their events occur in that one country. I am so sorry and can see exactly why you would pay to have someone listen, qualified or not I am glad that you can get some support from the forum here, I know this isn't the same as a real life hug, but winging one over to wherever you are starfishyRead More...

I know expressing this stuff has made me feel SO much safer about receiving from T...though, it is still an issue that I have to talk about with him pretty frequently (i.e. did Friday, will again tonight).Read More...

effed - I was back and forth with that thought yesterday....thinking I would show her gow vulnerable a can be and I need her and then getting so pissed off and just telling her I'm done! Yeah, that's the old defense kicking in - dump her before she dumps me. I even had myself convinced at one point that she's dropping my insurance to get rid of me. I know that's not true - but the subconscious inner score card I've been hanging onto tells me so. I'm going to try to go in next week and really...Read More...

I wouldn't pay 1/4 of my income - but it would be impossible for me to with all of my other financial obligations. Do you have a lot if other monthly financial obligations? Would the money be taken from somewhere elsevthat is necessary? If you don't have other necessities and you need this T, you might want to consider it. My T is dropping my insurance company and evenvat $2600 a year for bi-monthly appointments I can't do that because my budget is so stretched. It's a real bemmer, this...Read More...

hey (((AG))), thanks. it really is important to get feedback from others who know what you're talking about. not sure what people in therapy did pre-internet! must have been one HELL of a struggle i can imagine! (((BB))) it's great to meet you, too! thanks for your response. thanks for allowing me to shut the door again as i'm pretty good at beating myself up for that as well. you probably knew that . thanks in large part to this forum i do have a sense of hope. it's a great place to go...Read More...

Hi echoes, It's definately not a stupid question. I think it is something I have asked myself over and over. I wouldn't change some things. The abuse I suffered, I think, has made me more compassionate...more able to be less judgemental of others. But the reaction to that (as a child....ie. not being believed by mum and others....having to move out from the home) has made me doubt a lot of things. While I can appear to come across as a competent, confident human being....deep down...I know...Read More...

Hey Tn, thanks for asking. Things are rocky.T has let me down badly and she has to do some major repairing - she has caused some major attachment injury for me. I have had 2 weeks of a breakdown that is nearly as bad as when youngT terminated me so T's timing is terrible for me. Currently I am in a mental fog / time distortion thing and I can't breathe until T and I have this out on Tuesday. I am terrified she is terming me and I think she thinks I am terming her. Yes - seeing youngT is...Read More...

I think you've got great responses here just wanted to lend my support I scream here lots and it helpsRead More...

Thank you, my Aglet... fortunately my T is still just any other guy, and not divinely inspired or drop dead gorgeous or anything, but- it worries me that I no longer seem to hate going to therapy. right back atcha! miss you- starfishy, my love...spring is early here, too, but I've misplaced the laundry fairies again, and now have to do the wash myself. It is very sad. I miss you-Read More...

Well, today was a little better. I was able to cognitively push myself through the emotional certainty that he was going to judge, reject certain things I was saying and shared some self-analysis and some vulnerable stuff too. We had a nice Skype session and while there wasn't a huge sense of connectedness (now that we sit close physically in office sessions, it's hard NOT to feel disconnected on the phone), there was a HUGE sense of him understanding me and making connections (either...Read More...

((((DAROCK))))) You are in such a difficult place and I don't envy you one little bit. You have an incredibly difficult decision to make but you can always go back to him when your financial situation improves. Maybe it'll help you cope with it better if you don't look at it like a potentially permanent thing. I personally don't think it was right or fair of him to tell you to go into debt. I don't think anyone should go into debt if they don't have to. Suze Orman would tell you that you...Read More...

Keep hanging in there and by no means are you going to end with your regular T. Some kind of misunderstanding happened but it should be fixable. Sorry it's so hard JD. You're doing great still!Read More...

hi DaRock it's one thing for your T to be holding his boundary about fee-setting, which is his right, it's another for him to be assessing your financial situation and your likelihood of being in debt years down the road. It would be ridiculous for *anyone* to draw any conclusions about your future ability to pay off debt. He's a therapist, not an oracle. ROFL!! This is very astute. I am going to go on a limb here and assume you're American? Unfortunately for us, we live in a society where...Read More...

Ninn, i'm glad your emotions seem to be evening out. they can be awefully intense and consuming and make life really difficult. i'm glad you're hanging in with your T, too ... it seems like you've invested a lot of time with her and it would be sad to just drop it for good or have to start all over again with someone else. i hope you can continue to work together so you can reach whatever goals you have in order to live a happier life. as far as cancelling everybody else and keeping your...Read More...

sorry i'm late to reply again... thank you ((eliana, morgs, raven)) for your hugs and enthusiasm! thanks ((echoes)) lovely to see you too, as always! hi (closed doors)! thanks! but i'm afraid last session was more of a fluke then anything... well, it was a beginning, a step forward, but the struggle to talk won't be that easily won. i had my session today and it was again a 'struggle'. we spent the whole time (in between silences) talking about why I struggle to talk / connect. still,...Read More...

Thanks B2W, that is a good book, I have actually read it and a fair amount on John Bowlby. Learning about attachment really opened up my healing and I read obsessively for a while. I appreciate the info.Read More...

(((((KANSAS)))))) So glad you went and everything turned out okay. LieseRead More...

Well, it has varied over the course of treatment, but yesterday I had a photo tucked in the back pocket of my journal and I got it out to share with T. Talked 1 minute about it and then I got up to leave.Read More...

Athenacus, Really late here but just wanted to congratulate you. LieseRead More...

lost track of which thread I was writing on and posted my update on this under "OW - it hurts" on the stories forum. Could cut and paste but didn't know what to do really....as it applies to both threads. at least this is a simple issue to be confused about - LOL - rather than my usual difficulties...Read More...

We talked today and he was so sweet and gave me an hour. He was being locked out of a library at the time and had to rescue his bag so that he could talk to me and not get it locked in. I think he is really kind to me. He agreed that her email is written in the style that you would write to a client. He then went on to say something really interesting, something I have noted here before: He said: Some people in the therapy profession have great difficulty with friendships as they have sort...Read More...

Good luck TN! Let us know how it goes!Read More...

Well it went okay, but I feel like I really f'ed up the entire experience. I did exactly what I expected which was discuss how I felt it would be a clinical market, etc, some of the things I wrote here. It was such an emotionally devoid experience even though my T reacted wonderfully. I think she was trying to match me she didn't really react strongly, though like I said I couldn't really share compassionately with her it was a 'here it is, I'm sure your clients give you stuff constantly, I...Read More...