bb, yes, i agree. until we get that self esteem filled to a certain level, the frustration can't be helpful. and what is frustrating, is that, at least in my case, and possibly yours as well, they see the house of cards and the track record of success and assume the self esteem is intact, and just go to step two. i dunno, this positive acceptance stuff is hard to come by. compliments just don't come forth too often. i like what ag said. that powerless motive IS so true, and something i have...Read More...

Hey, Rio...I hope your emergency surgery goes well, and helps you. I hope you are relaxed and peaceful about it...and I hope to see you back posting soon. Peace, BBRead More...

Hello eldestchild I cant tell you what to do other than say "follow your heart [your gut]" You are not a bad daughter/son or mother/father, if you decide to not let your children see their granddad. I had to stay away from my parents too for me and my family's well being. It sounds like you still dont trust him and most of all, you are still hurting form what he did to you. Families who deal with addictions have a thing with denial dont they. The most horrid actions can be forgotten about...Read More...

(((TN))) (((DF))) (((hemlock))) Thanks for the reminder, you guys. TN - I am less worried about T retiring and more worried about him ceasing to practice in my area. Both of the other areas he does his private practice work out of are much closer to both his home and his anger management program. When he is out here, he is usually booked pretty solid both days (and has to be to make the commute expense feasible). I'm sure it would make more economic sense for him to expand his practices...Read More...

Hi SD Can't really say anything exceptRead More...

Thanks BB. We're actually just going to switch insurance companies and so at least I'll get my 30 visits again now and at the beginning of the year again so it shouldn't be an issue for at least 8 months ... and maybe by then I'll have a job and be able to pay for therapy!!!! My H deals with a lot of insurance companies and these "independent" consultants. He said they are always looking to terminate benefits and it's very maddening for him because a lot of his clients can't get the...Read More...

He rio-I think the way you handled everything was really brave and forthright without being demeaning. You probably did her a lot of good. I hope you will be able to find a really good T when you need one, who will keep themselves out of the room...good for you for knowing that it wasn't working, and moving on, instead of trying to make something work that clearly wasn't going to for you. BBRead More...

Tygr, See I told you that you were amazing. Flowers, a bath--sounds heavenly. Draggers--sometimes existence is all that we can believe in and that's okay. This self love stuff isn't the easiest thing in the world. It's challenging. So, no matter how BIG or small your display of self love is--it's good. Today I held my baby a little longer and got some good cuddle time. I am taking my lunch break to myself and going to run some errands. I told myself I looked good in the mirror, and my little...Read More...

((((SG)))) I just wanted to add that I too have a history in my hometown but first I fled for 10 years. And when I came back, I thought I felt good enough about myself in order to face all those old feelings of shame. But I wasn't. (yeah for therapy) The upside for me is that none of the people I was involved in back then live around here anymore. I did run into the dad of my best friend from high school a couple of times a few years back and then actually saw her at our high school reunion.Read More...

Thank you very much TN and AG! I am sorry about the belated reply. I somehow got overwhelmed to the point of not being able to post (I am struggling a lot these days). Sorry. It has to do with my issues though, not anything anyone here said. I really like the name StarHeart! . I will add it to my signature. TN, I am glad you like the long version. I thought about shortening it but found that I could not keep the feel if I tried to do so. TN, thank you for taking the time to reply even as you...Read More...

One more hug for you, AG! I have two daughters and know that my time will come when this momentous event arrives. Thinking of you today, Mama!Read More...

We LOVE you, Yaku! Sorry you are going through a hard time.Read More...

AW Tn, I'm sorry I'm so late to reply...I also am feeling very flat, because I know I have nothing to work towards in my therapy right now...it's kind of a directionless place, and it feels like all my emotions have just kind of shut down. I can still display the proper emotions on the outside but inside I'm just feeling nothing. It's awful, isn't it? But- I'm glad that you are attached to the T you are working with now, because it will help you out of that place, really it will. It's going...Read More...

Thanks TN and Liese. Yes, she is a tough cookie i guess.(and needs to be to take me on!) .. She also specialises in DBT therapy as well as CBT, ACT and IPT, brief therapy etc. The dbt makes me think that she is going to be able to help me if we choose to be together. If she had schema therapy too - then it is a done deal. I think being shattered for 5 days and not eating anything, not leaving the house, not talking, staring at a computer screen for 8 hours at a stretch, crying buckets of...Read More...

Hi, AG! Yes, definitely agree with this. I readily share most stuff from my sessions with H, just because my attachment to T makes it a very emotionally intimate environment and I want to make sure I'm still close with my H, not shutting him out. However, my H isn't overly share-y about stuff, so other than asking how his sessions went and whether he felt like it was helpful/productive (i.e. like if he had told me there was a specific topic he wanted to work through), I just leave him alone.Read More...

I voted integrative - but my T has a background in Psychodynamic but unusually she also has some Jung training - which I found super helpful. But I know some people don't get on with the slightly spiritual aspect of that - not me though I loved it. She also definitely works with the Bowlby attachment theories. Whatever she's doing though I don't care because it's amazing. TN - totally agree about the feeling it healing rather than any conscious brain working it out.Read More...

Thank you everybody. Actually I DO have one of those rainbow lights-- and it does help make it easier to go to sleep at night! We have started some new art projects that we haven't had time to do lately-- hopefully that will help.Read More...

T and I talked this morning and things feel even worse now. She basically said that the reason she doesn't always ask about the pact is because she's too busy. I understand. She has a four year old and a partner to keep happy. She also said that sometimes she gets confused as to whether or now we have a pact. I told her I didn't understand how that could be confusing. SHe said, "Well I guess you have a better memory than I do because sometimes I don't remember if we've made a pact". Even...Read More...

Good to see you back, MH!Read More...

Very sad but powerful. Thanks for sharing, BI. You are a gifted writer.Read More...

((((BB))))) No need to apologize for waxing all intellectual. I found it all very interesting and didn't know all about the different kinds of love. I'm going to go look them up right now. I'm probably at the eros stage also, from what you describe. So you are not alone there, BB. xoxo LieseRead More...

(((Liese))) (((STRM))) (((hemlock))) (((LG))) Thank you guys for the support. Liese - the isolation is definitely a problem. I have one friend who was in therapy for about 15 years a long time ago for a similar topic as what I'm currently exploring, so at least I have one person who "gets" it to talk to. But, it is still hard for me to do so on a vulnerable level for some reason. STRM - I can really relate to the out and in. My main problem right now, as I'm sure you can relate, is just...Read More...