oh god, it was quite awful. What do you do when you cannot talk because your whole body is shaking and your heart is about to pound its way out of your chest? the slightest noise outside the room frightens you so much you want to hide under the table? What do you do when your P is so kind and understanding and tries so hard to get you to talk, to tell him what you are going through and all you have in your head is fear and no words? What do you do when after 90 minutes of this, you...Read More...

Oh Monte, I don't think I can do it. I literally have NO memories of my mother ever giving me a hug or kiss until I called her on it when I was already 21...and she is so awkward about it that it feels disgusting to me, like an invasion or an unwilling act. I know she did when I was an infant/toddler, but not even often then according to some family sources. And my father only hugged me hello and goodbye and was very awkward about kisses. The most physical contact we had was sports, like...Read More...

I never see my session notes but T2 writes down literally everything I say. I am amazed at her ability to be so totally present with me and maintain eye contact and convey empathy all the while she is writing frantically everything I am saying. I do not think T1 takes notes, but I can't see her since its on the phone but I do not recall her ever taking notes when I met with her in high school.Read More...

Wow LG, that is so sweet that you remembered your father like that. Great day to have a birthday on!! My oldest son's middle name is Patrick so he has always loved the 17th. ~D.Read More...

LG, I get this as well, and have always thought it was some form of hypeventilation. See below: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperventilation beathing doesn't have to be very fast or deep, mind. breathing exc help, I find.Read More...

Hi Mayo... If I helped you in any way then I'm glad I wrote about my session. That's what it's all about... sharing our stuff and hopefully someone else will be helped by it. Halo, thanks for your kind words. Holding boundaries and being professional is so important to keeping us safe. I'm glad you have that too after the first bad experience. And yes I'm warm and cosy with my T now. He makes therapy a good and safe place to be. TNRead More...

Yay!!! That's a great thing to be right about. I'm happy for you.Read More...

BB - You have said that emails you've written your T could be changed a bit and be written to your H or parents. I'm wondering if that (transference) is what is responsible for you projecting with him so much more than with SD. For example, I am almost as open with my pastor as I am with my T, but my T has this whole channeling fatherly energy thing going on and so there is so much more "gravity" in my relationship with him. So, not only do I project more often, but they are so strong. The...Read More...

Oh, BB, not because of what you said. I'm just feeling overly needy by posting so much lately. JD, everyone, thanks for all your input. I'm really struggling to be patient with myself with all of this. Hopefully, I will learn to pace myself, as T suggests, soon. I wouldn't count on it, though.Read More...

Ah, yes. I see you have sought and found the golden bunny, as well LG. Your great wisdom will be rewarded.Read More...

Sparkle, I can totally relate to this and thank you for putting it so nicely into words I could never seem to find. I did this very thing with my T but I was unable to effectively convey those feelings to her at the time. Of course, she thought my action equated to anger -- far from it. Unlike your situation, I was able to reconnect with my therapist and ask for ongoing sessions and we worked through that less than graceful departure of mine. All that said, I'd be inclined to tell you not to...Read More...

BB - I don't think your T is engineering the email problems, but I want to validate you that I would feel my T was if that was happening to me too. I hope you can (even gently) bring up in your individual session how his not taking care of the conferencing as he ensured you he would made you feel unheard, ignored, neglected even. You can even say you know it was an honest mistake, but those feelings were being drawn out of you and maybe that would be a good thing to explore...in case the...Read More...

DF, Please don't delete. It was very informative and I'm going to go back and read it again.Read More...

Hi Caeti, I am on a few of the same ones as you, I take 50mg Seroquel at night (good for sleeping), Clonazepam .5mg morning and lunch and 2mgs at night. I also take 50mg largactil at night at 200mgs of Pristiq in the morning. I am not sure what the Buspar is, is that an anti-depressant or a sedative? I have heard of the citalopram. The Seroquel is very good for anxiety and so is the Clonzaepam. I find it hard to wake up in the morning but if I have a shower as soon as I get up I feel...Read More...

Thanks for the reassurance, you guys. H can be very judgmental about strange things, considering he can be very weird himself. I do feel like I want to be as transparent with H as possible. H says he doesn't really care, as long as I know I CAN be. T thinks that me doing that is very good. I told T, frankly, that because I am being so vulnerable with him (T), I want to make sure that I am being equally or more vulnerable with H to preserve my emotional intimacy. There is a lot of hurt over...Read More...

That is great Debbye! I'm glad you were able to talk it through with your T and he responded so well.Read More...

thanks for the encouragment everyone. Today was hard, but better. I'm very exhausted and have a lot to deal with tomorrow. on call T just called me about 30 minutes ago and left a voicemail message. I haven't checked it, and I just don't want to. I really don't want to know what she said or why she is calling me now 24 hours later. ugh, just leave me alone... I don't need more triggers for feeling icky stuff... DF ~ that tune for Tetris is addictive! Mahjong too! oh no, I'm not even playing...Read More...

Thanks for the support, Jane. I'm still feeling so disgusted at having friends in common, especially four family members...but it can't be helped, as I don't really have enough trust in those people (sad, in the case of my sisters) to want to tell them about it. My family turns everything into drama and gossip and this is NOT something I want talked about, especially behind my back.Read More...

((((JANE))))) I cry too! Sometimes more that others. I always try to cover it up before I go out in public. I like LG's idea. Although, STRM makes a good point about why do we feel we have to cover it up???Read More...

He's trying to get you to see how it would feel if you did give up therapy and had to get by with just your H. He's trying to get you to decide if it's the worth the money to you. Only you can decide that Beebs.Read More...

Liese, I'm so glad that you were able to experience your T's care for you. That seems really good. I can see that it didn't last long, however, as one who feels better for about 5 minutes after a session before the bad thoughts come crowding back in, I have to congratulate you- you have that session, and that good experience, of your T making you important, and that is vital, and nothing can take it away. Now- get on that phone, girl and *ask* for what you want! That bad-ass T ain't gonna...Read More...

There have been 3 times my T has initiated a text to check on me following an unusual period of silence on my part. She has written something along the lines of, "Thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok. I haven't heard from you for awhile so I don't know." Two of those 3 times were during her vacations when I withdrew in order to cope. There have also been periods of silence when she did not inquire how I was doing. Those have usually been periods of time when I had expressed anger...Read More...

Hi CNC, my T doesn't do email. If she did, I'd definitely be using it. However, she does text, but not with all her clients, only some of them. As for how it came about...well, it wasn't until about 5 months into my therapy. I had known all along that my T had an "emergency phone" because this information was told to me by the receptionist on the first appointment, and the number for it used to be printed on the appointment reminder cards (it isn't there anymore - long explanation for that).Read More...

Yaku, It makes me sad to hear you write that you hate yourself for not being able to tend to your mother's needs today. However, I can relate as I often feel guilty for not being able to talk to my brother who is very ill. Somedays it is just too much for me to deal with and I feel selfish for not being able to meet his needs. But what service are we to others if we cannot take care of ourself first and foremost. This situation with your mother in some ways makes me think of how allow...Read More...

LG - Ugh. H and I pay $125 a session (discounted from his usual $150 rate), but he usually goes the whole hour. It ends up as $375 every two weeks, though, and now that I offered to try to give him something for these phone sessions he has been giving me, it will be even more. I can't imagine paying $135 for only 45 minutes.Read More...