Moomin, i just feel for you. This kind of transference is very normal - the normal reaction to not having a stable and loving attachment figure when small and so you keep looking for it, I hope that you find that you can be loved and met by your P and that when you deeply feel this from your P the intensity of the need will lessen as it has had experience of being met. Take care.Read More...

MH, Just caught onto your thread and you gave me the laugh of the week. Actually, I think it's a sign of strength that you noticed the simililarity but said, screw it, I'm going to my appointment anyway. I don't care why I did this. Maybe it was actually a combination of things that possessed you to do it. If you were thinking about your father in your head when you did it, wouldn't that be a strong indicator that that's what the motivation was? Glad you finally got that transitional...Read More...

Hey, TN,Thanks for the tutorial. I will try that. I also need to learn how to delete a thread. How do I do that? I left him a message saying that this is what I need to talk about and if you can't accommodate me, I have to find another therapist. He never said he wasn't the therapist for me, he said he doesn't make connections. I also told him in my message that I need to make connections. I need to understand me. Tn, maybe it's all about developing a separate sense of self, if that's...Read More...

Thank you both for your reassurance. I feel better. I went to band practice at church for the first time in several years (I'm the backup to the backup for now). But our usual guy just had hand surgery and the backup works weird hours unexpectedly, so he couldn't make practice and I have to be prepared to play just in case for Sunday. It felt good to serve again and also to be encouraged by having fellowship with others. I felt awkward, but I'm proud of myself for trying to connect with...Read More...

I think your list is really good and it makes perfect sense. I think most people would say the same thing about any relationship, especially one where you're being as vulnerable as with a T. I hope you get a chance to share it with your T and she really "receives" it and understands it as you trying to participate, which she seems to want.Read More...

I'm interested in general, but this week will be really rough. H wants to spend time together lately, which he never used to want to do, but now that I want time to write and process, of course he wants to hang out all the time. :/ Also, just signed up to be a back-up drummer for church and have some family obligations. I'll check in on the discussion even if I can't watch it!Read More...

Holding On, That is great!! Good for you. I'm glad that your T responded the way that he did and you felt good about telling him. WTG!Read More...

Yeah, I know...but after this week's post-therapy meltdown, I almost just want a session to enjoy surviving the difficulty of our last conversation. I'm also afraid I will find out he is less educated/competent about it than I hope he is. This may sound stupid, but the couple of counseling experiences I had before this were with very incompetent therapists. I was a child and there were very few sessions, but I remember thinking how stupid one was and how inappropriate the other was. The...Read More...

Your T sounds wonderful. Glad I'm not the only one who is constantly debating between telling T to have a nice life and asking him to promise to live forever, just in case I need that long to be ready to say goodbye.Read More...

Thanks for listening, even if it's only a few words at a time. It still means a lot. Mostly, the numbness is unbearable at times. And I've had urges to SI again, and I really can't do that, if not for me, I can't because of a contract I have with my T about it. But when I'm numb, my game face for the rest of the world is so automatic that I can't turn it off, even when I'm with my T. I'm sorry..for some reason it just feels really exhausting to write much more about this right now.Read More...

Seablue... however we lose our Ts it's still a very painful loss and I do not make light of the pain and grief you are suffering too. I am very glad that I could inspire you in some way and/or help you with this transition time in your life. And I KNOW you can do this, because I did and you are just as strong (or stronger) and also because you have a good T who is making your needs a very important part of the transition. She is there for you, even though she is moving away. I'm a very glad...Read More...

Emergency= your health/safety is in grave danger. Crisis= you are having an emotional meltdown that could end up becoming an emergency if not handled. I've never called either therapist during the week other than to schedule appointments. However, I frequently (several times a week) text with T1 when I am having a crisis. If I need T2 in a crisis, I send her an email knowing that I will not get much of a response, yet it still grounds me to have sent the email.Read More...

Hi LG thanks for answering, yes it is there when I need it and yes I can control it. But it is also controlling me, I have type 2 diabetes and the meds I am on are making it very much out of control and eating chocolate doesn't help at all. I don't know how to stop liking it and start hating it. Hi DF I guess I knew it was going to be tough and that is why I have spent my whole life doing it. I am terrified of the emotions that are going to come up but I know I have to do it to get better.Read More...

I agree with Lady Grey too. I've been testing my T (not really on purpose though). Sometimes I will get really angry with him and make little snarky comments. He is usually so calm though. But sometimes he'll be sarcastic back, which is a little more fun than his normally calm demeanor. I'm pretty new to therapy so I've been slowly testing the waters with my T. I think the whole process helps establish trust for me, like if this person can see me at my worst (bad attitude and all) and...Read More...

wow, df. it just keeps coming, huh? the co-dependant thing. that is so good you recognize that pattern. i do that as well. one thing i keep telling myself, is I can be responsible for being KIND. BUT, i cannot put myself as responsible for another's reaction to me...for THEIR feelings. this seems easy, but growing up being able to 'pick my mom up' by being super-child, well, i thought i COULD control other's feelings. so, what i am trying to say, and i can just see it from my distant view...Read More...

MH, I didnt think you were whiney or begrudging.Read More...

I can't decide if I want it to be something my T genuinely feels or not. If he genuinely feels paternal toward me, I will fill honored, but also afraid my calling attention to it will make him feel he has crossed boundaries, counter-transference or whatever, and he will withdraw suddenly. That is why I have been abusing these transference feelings out of myself and practically begging him to just neglect me or let me give up. If I let myself "have" that care in order to process the hurt...Read More...

Hey AG, Hope you're getting some warmer weather up there in Syracuse!Read More...

Hi LG, I think your first post is terrific. It doesn't sound defensive and communicates your feelings. I have a few reservations about asking her how she feels the phone thing is working out. Because at the end of the day, the important thing is how YOU feel. And, what if she says she's happy with it and thinks it's working fine, will you back down then and be afraid to tell her what you need to tell her? You miss so much nonverbal over the phone that I think the skype thing would be great. IMO.Read More...

Hi IHTS, You know what? I sorted out that problem without much difficulty, and no one was mad or even really saw it as too much of a mistake - just one of the things that needed to be worked out along the way. I was freaking out that my boss was disgusted at me about it - but he gave no indication of that at all. Now something else has come up and I'm feeling those feelings again (not as intense) - just trying to hold on to the rational world view. Yaku, that's a familiar story for me, too.Read More...

Thanks. I'm glad I got a late appointment too. It is much easier for me to feel safe in the evenings for some reason. I'm really struggling to not make all sorts of awful assumptions right now that I'm pissing him off with all my monitoring texts, that he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him when I'm open with my projections, that he's not really "up for" working with someone struggling so much with attachment issues, that he's going to refer me when I bring up the depth of my transference...Read More...

just read this and found it to be so funny and cute. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogs...com/2010/07/dog.html the never-giving-up-at-finding-things-that-make-me-smile poster, ~janeRead More...

It's been so nice to relate to so many people. My husband keeps trying to correct me or looking at me like I'm an alien, so I feel pretty judged. I know it's not his intention, but his experience in therapy is VERY different from mine, so it's nice to hear from other people who have similar thoughts and feelings.Read More...

I don't think mine know my name if it isn't written on top of their paperwork. It would take awhile for me to think they liked me. I do not feel like I am me while I am in there with either of them, so it is not like I think they know enough to decide whether to like me or not. I mean, it is not like I act with them the way I do in real life because of the nature of the situation. It seems so artificial.Read More...

Oh aren't we all a mixed bag of nuts. well maybe you need to go back in there and fight. Maybe that's okay. Maybe you are still working through all your defenses. I guess the defenses are like getting through a thicket, huh? Hey, Jill, I never see it as lying. They have to earn our trust. They don't deserve to know everything about us. I don't think you should feel guilty about this Jill. You mightwant to understand it but feel guilty about it,no. Also, if what played out is part ofyour...Read More...