(((((Smiley)))))) I am so sorry for the pain and darkness you are in...I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it go away! (For me too) Please know that you are lovable and that you really make my day every time I see you post. ( I know that might feel hard to beleive, but it's true!) You have a lot of insight and depth under that quiet exterior of yous...it's not fair that what was done to you is causing all of this darkness and pain, but like AG said...it is not you that is causing...Read More...

Thanks everybody. It really helps hearing from each of you. What is seeming to be the most difficult thing is "the day after" syndrome. When the feelings don't feel as hurt, you start to wonder if you over-reacted. (Which, btw, is a favorite manipulation of hers! - It must work, huh? Come to think of it, wouldn't that be exactly what my Aunt would say to me? She would invalidate my feelings and my experience and tell me to just ignore my mom's bad and hurtful words/behavior. This line of...Read More...

jones, it really is the core of why i am in therapy, to 'fix me' so that i don't do what my parents did. sometimes the best i feel is that my kids will need less therapy than i do. and that is a pretty lousy victory. i go back and forth. i told me husband, who witnessed the whole interaction, (keep in mind he is not the most swift with subtle tones) but he really didn't notice me being wrong in the incident. he said he would tell me if he thought i was ever being demeaning. BUT, it is just...Read More...

Seychen wow seychen, that's really powerful isn't it? Thank you for sharing that.....I like both the idea of covering AND dignity, especially when we feel so raw and exposed. starfishRead More...

HI Incognito ... I'm so glad you let us know how it went .... I was feeling the same exact way in therapy.... my T would ask questions and I would just answer one or two word answer because I didn't really feel like he cared about the answer ..... It just got to the point, I guess, where it had to be talked about or I would have to leave .... and yes it is so hard, and I'm not looking forward to the sessions to come because I know they will be hard .... After yesterday, I felt as though it...Read More...

Dear MH, Thank you for the update - it is good to hear how it went. I am so pleased that you went and fronted up with the things you were concerned about - that is amazing in itself, and I am glad you got a bit of relief from getting over those hurdles. It is an excellent sign, I think, that she let you express yourself without getting defensive or worked up herself - that helps a lot. It sounds like you didn't get much relief from your feelings about the other client and all the...Read More...

TN, I think it took an amazing amount of courage to send that letter and get it all out there. Of course I hope that he responds and in a way that offers you some sort of closure. I know this has been beyond painful for you and I'm so sorry for that. I agree with the others that I don't think that you misinterpreted the way you related to your T all that time when things went well. I think your relationship was very real and special and it definitely should not have ended the way that it...Read More...

SG ~ that is so encouraging to know they got better! I think I write off breathing too easily. It is actually a new thing that focusing on my body feels ok. I think I just write it off because it used to not feel ok, so I’d never feel better taking deep breaths… hmm, time to give it another try. You were having attacking coming out of the Army? I would have had them going in! That's amazing. (btw, thanks for serving our country. ) My T said that every T I let the anxiety peak and ride it...Read More...

Hi Jill, Jane and BB Don't delete unless you need to - I totally identify but am not in a space to speak at the moment! Labels don't matter - at the heart of everything we're going through is we're trying to be the best we can be! Hang in there everyone!Read More...

Jill - yeah, my T was responding to me not running away or protecting against or being afraid of feeling... whatever it was I that I had beed feeling in that moment... (I'm not even quite sure what I had been feeling). I guess I was really mindful. Yay for so much DBT finally paying off! That makes me smile. Thanks Jill for your encouragement. STRM - thank you so much for your kind words. They are comforting to me. Thank you. --------------------------------------------------------- I am...Read More...

lizzygirl, i had that issue alot with a t of mine. it is aggravating, but i like what you said you did, just asking what is the point. i got so afraid to bring it up, that when i did, i was already so rattled by it that it ended up making a big mess of things. so, i guess what i am saying is, continue to address it when it occurs and don't let the trend get imbedded. hopefully this is not a narcissistic inclination in your t to just 'hear himself talk'...i think mine was somewhat looking for...Read More...

Thanks for your response Blanket Girl. No I'm not in any kind of counseling right now. First of all, I don't think I can afford the professional counseling right now since I lost my hours; not even the co-payment. As for 12-step, my last counselor suggested it to me. I've checked out two kinds, one for emotional problems and another for sex addiction but they're either not in my location or they're held at inconvenient times. Yes I'll still try hanging on.Read More...

thanks df, i don't know how inspirational, but, i think i am not going to go. too many conflicts that weekend, and i guess, i just don't want to be cooped up so long focused on ME. y'no?? maybe if i ignore 'it' it will go away....hmmm. thanks, friend. jillRead More...

All I can see my T in...is a dominatrix outfit! No...she would never wear a costume to work but it is fun to think about. I suppose that says that I feel somewhat powerless in my therapy, eh? hmmmm.... My costume would be something like Pinocchio or the Velveteen Rabbit. I just want to be REAL, which is really paradoxical on Halloween. *chuckling* I feel so twisted at times. Funny thread...brings up lots of interesting images, lots of transference material. Hmmmm...like I need any help with...Read More...

Yep, the MA means Master of Arts, most likely in counseling if I had to guess. There should be other initials that reflect the license used to practice like LMFT, or LPC or something along those lines.Read More...

Starfish, Just wanted to thank you for your support. I think I'm going to make another thread that's a little more relevant to my T's time away. Just thought I'd tell you that I so appreciate you sharing your experiences with dissociation. In a lot of cases, I think labeling stuff doesn't help a ton, but I feel like it does with this, for me at least. And it's odd, because every time I notice something new that seems so weird that it must mean I'm either completely crazy or completely fine,...Read More...

Hello stellachiara and welcome! I think it is awesome that you are at least recognizing the behavior. Are you in therapy? If you are, I'm sure that has helped you to at least see where the "freezing" up may be coming from. If you are not in therapy, I will say KUDOS to you for getting to where you are. It may not be something that you can work on changing daily, but recognizing what the triggers are for the freeze up is almost 1/2 the battle in my opinion. What would be great is if you have...Read More...

I only have a moment but just wanted to say: I told her! I told her! and it went really well! I went to the session today pretty off kilter. I was fairly numb on and off - the most I ever have been with her. It went really ok anyhow. The conversation went to fears about kindness, connection, endings, grief, and pain. We talked about my total lack of confidence in myself. As we talked, at one point, I fought back tears, and she did as well. It was an amazing session. I told her about my fear...Read More...

No worries, DF... it's good to think about how stuff I say might affect someone else on "the other side of it." I wasn't upset or anything. It would be cool if you could keep the same T this way...but the whole thing does have an element of unreality to it, though that can be kind of painful in dealing with, the emotions of that. Well, I guess it's a triggery little bit for me, since my relationships in general have an element of unreality/distance about them that I also can't quite pinpoint...Read More...

thanks BG for starting this thread. I am going to come back and re-read it, because there is PLENTY of things here i relate to, and need to dig deeper into. ...oh, and btw: iľl be glad to sit on the bench with you all, - i am- more or less paralized all the time by the thought of ending therapy. THerefor i am scared every time - no i WAS scared to show my T any signs of coping skills. ANd i hatet it when he pointed out how well i coped and stuff like that, because i took it as a warning that...Read More...

Jones that is a vast improvement on what I had! I feel better just looking at him. Thank you!!!!Read More...

TN ... thanks for your insight ... I just had to look up proximity seeking behavior and I realized that I am my husband's attachment figure ... He can really drive me crazy with what i see as excessive neediness and demands for my attention .... I wonder how it all plays out in relationships with our spouses? My husband just seems to need me and he can go out and function in the world as long as he thinks I am steady as a rock .... I'm not sure I have an attachment figure ....I think mine be...Read More...

Now I know why I love my P sooooo much. I had a great session today. He was very attuned to what I needed today. I asked him about his retirement plans (didn't inform him that i was googling him. didn't have the courage) He assured me that he had no plans to retire. I challenged him and asked "so you're going to die sitting in that chair". He laughed and responded that he wasn't planning on that but that retirement was not in his plans for the near future and that he would give me plenty of...Read More...

I love what you call your "rambling" and also that you actually find this situation interesting..lol, you sound like my T! (he alaways seem to find my stuff as "hmm...interesting!" ) Yes, thanks again for your understanding. The situation IS complicated. Guess you`re right about my T didnt mention it, because he doesnt think it`s up to him to tell. in a way i agree with him.. and not. but neither my parents thinks its up to them to mention this! As if its not something i have the right to...Read More...

Not really silly at all ... in fact, I love it! And I love your quote ... I think that is what I'm learning in therapy .... when others lash out, it's because they are fighting their own battles .... I just have to learn how to move out of the way ...!!!Read More...