TN: So sorry you are having such a hard time. Just remember this will not last. The knowledge that the bad days are temporal is all that keeps me going some days. But that's all it takes. After a day or 2, I can't remember the actual pain anymore, only that i'd had a really bad day ( or 2). I'm glad you were able to speak to your T and get a little bit of reassurance today. I am hoping your session tomorrow will be just what you are needing to pull you on out of that black hole. this was...Read More...

Hi Hollybaby, Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! Great question, btw, and some great answers. AGRead More...

This is so hard because one moment I am fine and then the next moment I am caught up in such a tital wave of emotions and somatic memories that I can't distiguish past from present and then I am left in a daze unable to even sort through what just happened and why. Its like I keep getting that recording "All circuits are busy, please try your call again later." Russ, It is indescribable, but this sounds about right. (insert "stifling anxiety, agitation and unfocused dread." emoticon here)Read More...

GREAT analogy Russ....^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ummmm....what he said....TGL ^^^^^^^^^^^^ SDRead More...

I hate criticism!!! As a teacher, I have to give it all of the time but I try to always follow up with, "This is a criticism of your work, not YOU." My X all but needs a badge as a member of the fashion & customs police...it used to make ME feel ashamed every time he pointed out how poorly a person's figure fitted their clothing, or how "dorky" some poor soul looked when they walked quickly, arms swinging. Jeez, and when it is directed my way by anybody I spend the next 24-48 hours...Read More...

1. I should have never started therapy- it hurts and its confusing and I want it to stop. I am stuck in hell????? I am glad I started therapy, because I am stronger than I was. Hold way more knowledge/understanding than I had...=) I am strong and smart and can get through this.. I am not a quitter and there is NO going back! I am working my way OUT of hell 2.I wish I never met my therapist- because the fear of loosing her scares me to death! I am SO happy/thankful to have her, because she is...Read More...

I wrote a long letter to my T once and at the end I thanked her for being such a big part in my healing and for putting up for me ect. I told her that I could tell she really cared and she can't fake that. She actually cried and said it was so nice. Although I wouldn't want my T crying uncontrollably ALL the time... I see nothing wrong with her crying during sessions every now and then. She is human.. and I feel that if she cries during a session with me it shows she really cares. Also I...Read More...

I totally relate to this!! And I do have MAJOR transference with my T. I hoped she would be my "MOM" replacement.... And last session I realized that wasn't going to happen. I actually realize that a lot..and it stabs at my heart every time! It makes me wish I was dead..... =( You are not alone --anyone who feels this way.. its very painful and I am sorrrrry. I actually spent most of my life confused. I was sexually attracted to men and emotionally attracted to females.... I really don't...Read More...

i've also been wondering about my need to please. and yes Transferencegrl85, i am also feeling very ashamed about being so spineless! even more ashamed about who i think i really might be. not a decent person at all. i can see in my head that's not the case but it's how i do feel. i guess under those circumstance letting the real me out of the cage feels like inviting rejection or worse. i've also been trying to appear whilst at the same time wanting to be a rebel. how impossible is that! SBRead More...

Summer That's where the conflict of KNOWING and FEELING comes in. I KNOW she is trained to not judge me, but I FEEL like she just might. She says it is more than how she was trained, it is her true self and she treats people inside her office the same as she treats people outside her office. I just have to overcome that fear of thinking she may be judging me. She knows that she needs to keep telling me over and over that she is being truthful with me. I KNOW that, but do I FEEL it? PLRead More...

Hey JM- Yes, my T does allow me to express whatever I'm feeling- adult, little girl, puppy (?jk)... whatever. I make a lot of child-like comments to her (to everyone in general) and I don't really try to restrain them. I let a lot of it just come out. However, I'm not sure the really sensitive side of my little girl is okay with really expressing her disappointment to my T yet. I mean, I'm sad about it and have told my T how sad I am, but I think my little girl really just feels to rejection...Read More...

Or T-shirts!!!!!!!!!!!1 PLRead More...

Thanks Russ, Wynne and LOS, your joy for me really means a lot! HB, I did NOT for a moment think you were talking about the phone call. I remembered your promise to me. Thank you for keeping it, never has an "I told you so" sounded so sweet!. AGRead More...

Thanks for the feedback SC It's interesting to know what appeals to other people. I do this purely for my own process and not specifically to sell. I'm sure if I were doing this to try to sell my artwork it would be much different. A bit of a funny little story about "push or pull." We were watching the summer Olympics when I was drawing that. The S.O. asked what I was drawing...I was pretty checked out so I kinda shrugged...shook my head and looked at the paper....and said..."Gymnasts?"...Read More...

i forgot to add that when he told me this i said, "well, i see you three times a week. isn't that equivalent to three years for, you know, a "normal" person who goes once a week? he said, "i don't think it works that way."Read More...

SD, I totally get this. Thank you for assuring me that I can have the confidence to know my reality better than anyone else no matter who they are. I know that instinctive feeling and I am lerning to trust it. I hate what that Psych did to you and that she went so far as she did. But it is good that you stuck with what you know is right for you.Thank you for sharing so much for me, I am really moved. JMRead More...

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. I can deff relate to you This year is the first year I felt strong enough to go into therapy and actually work on my demons. My mom is very sweet...yet was never there for me emotionally and told me things she should never have. As a younger person she told me my dad wanted her to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me and that her dad wanted her to have one too. That stayed in me forever. I will never forget that remark. However I am...Read More...

Hey I just wanted to let you know I totally can relate. I feel powerless in my therapist's office. I want to tell her how I feel, but it is like I can't get it out. I think I just have a lot of trouble expressing myself and because my abuse happened pre verbal. I am like a child and she is powering over me. Anyways its quite normal to feel like you have no power or control. I think with time it will happen. If you trust your therapist and feel he is a good fit than I would stick with it and...Read More...

I used to call my therapist once between sessions. I felt I could get a lot more out on the phone than I could in sessions. Maybe because I wasn't trapped in a room with her staring at me. Anyways I always want to talk to her and I worry if I call her too much or at all I will get too dependent on her. Its very hard for me to call. I also wander if not calling her is hurting me more, because I am left sitting there feeling I am stuck in those bad emotions until the next session. I wish we...Read More...

hi again, i think that the hard session last week has really affected me, i feel like only part of me is in control at the moment and feel kinda separate from me. My thoughts are fast also. It feels safe to talk about the hard stuff.Read More...

((((((((HB))))))))))) I'm glad that you and your T were able to make that connection so deeply and take the time to look back and honor when you arrived at an ending. I had my T of 17 years retire and I know what a bittersweet experience it is. To recognize all your progress and the role you both played in it and how much the relationship meant to both of you is to rejoice in what you had together. But it is sad, and sometimes painful, to have to say goodbye. I want to encourage you that I...Read More...

CT, I totally relate. I think saying "no" is a difficulty for anyone who didn't have healthy boundaries. Two things have really helped me in this area. In working through our marital problems both my husband and I have had to learn to say no. The weird thing is that as we have both learned to say no, the other had actually been happier. I was having trouble understanding why, until my T told me no on several major issues (hugs & a set appointment). I experienced something really...Read More...

Hey JM I don't even know if what I experienced the other night was a true flashback- my T said that is "probably an appropriate term for it," whatever that means! Thanks for the words of advice, and for your offer of support through them... if I keep having them. My T did say that if I can lessen some of my external stressors, it might help me not to get to that point in the future (the preceeding two weeks were very very very anxiety/fear ridden). Either way, if it happens again or not, I...Read More...

CT, Thanks so much for your response. Your ideas make all sorts of sense, especially the notion that I might have thought that our inability to connect was indicative of something being wrong with me. This is part of the low self-esteem I've had my entire life, and I'm sure it was at work to some degree in this instance. Exactly. There are tiny moments that, when I think about them, evoke really strong emotions. It could be the way my mom said something, the inflection in her voice where I...Read More...