I am really happy to hear all of your responses, every one. I guess it has only been 24 hours, but I feel much better for now. I have appointments with a couple of aedp therapists this week, but there is a big concern about insurance, so I don't know what will happen. So far from the short conversations I have had on the phone, they seem to know what I am talking about in terms of what I think I need, which I told them was something a bit opposite of someone who does primarily psychoanalytic...Read More...

That sounds good about the emails. I hope you'll let us know how it goes. :-)Read More...

CD, this is so hard! My way of approaching it was to write about it and give those writings to my T to read. I would sometimes just mention my struggles in relation to her obliquely in my writing, but she always paid attention to that and will say something like, "You're struggling with our relationship." I'll say "Yeah" while wanting to crawl into a hole, and we'll talk about it a bit. So, that is an idea--you could write about it and give or send that to her, maybe. Worked for me, anyway.Read More...

Thank you TN! Yes, the author/book you suggested has been very helpful, so thank you so much for that! What you wrote makes a lot of sense to me. My T does acknowledge the parts we all have inside of us. She was recently trained in IFS and started to use that model with me awhile ago. It made me so ashamed and I couldn't go there emotionally (my intellectual, critical self always stopped the process). I left feeling very ashamed and frustrated for many months, so we stopped doing that. But...Read More...

Those conflicting voices, Jillann... try having the conversation with yourself out loud. I think you'll be surprised how different it is. More hugs RTRead More...

thank you everyone for your responses and food for thought - and for understanding! sapphire blue, i'll look that film up, a comedy sounds good, and i can appreciate british humour what is the line, or do i have to watch the film to really get it? and thanks for understanding! its strange that even though it's risky like you say, i seem to get more comfort from hoping even though i know there is the risk of disappointment (but maybe that is not fully felt as i concentrate on the hope part)...Read More...

Your words are really moving, BLT. Your poem really touched me. You write about pain and longing with such beauty.Read More...

Thank you all for being so understanding and supportive It is really hard for me to practice self care, and stop myself from going 100mph processing everything inside, and giving to others when there is nothing left inside me to give. I'm struggling to suppress everything that's bursting at the seams, but I know it has to wait awhile longer. I know I have to be strong enough, healthy enough physically to go back into the emotions. I'm really holding onto the idea lately of 're-parenting',...Read More...

Okay... well we are in for another huge snowstorm. I feel like I live in Siberia. We still have piles of snow from last week. Of course it's also coming on my therapy day. But this time I got a sweet text from T asking me if I'd like to move my session to Friday if we have the predicted snow tomorrow. Of course I said yes. So it's booked and I don't have to be anxious tonight and tomorrow morning wondering what to do and trying to get to see T. He takes care of me really well and that a...Read More...

Dear Liese, I appreciate your posts so much, thx for sharing. I would be really interested how you started to feel and experiance shame in theraphy. I started my weekly sessions about 5 month ago and I resonated with this. I think I have a lot of shame issues but Im still wearing that coat which allows me to hide. In fact my therapist says I play hide and seek with her which I felt really true. The little me is still hiding from her though there is nothing I wanted more that she comes...Read More...

I didn't know caterpillars did that - (sadly, my eating disordered brain latched onto 'digest' for a few short moments before I was able to process what you wrote ) Now I have some fun/gross trivia for the boys I think they'll enjoy! That's a great connection you made TAS. I really admire your ability to do that. I think you're transforming into a lovely butterfly in your therapeutic cocoon.Read More...

Sounds like a dissociative episode - good that you called though and feel calmed. Hope you can have a gentle day todayRead More...

(((anna))) Not sure that I can say anything helpful but I hope things feel safer and better for you soon. SBRead More...

Your T really seems to go above and beyond, and I'm glad he came through. You must be relieved but what an ordeal to have gone through in the meantime. Its such a roller coaster ride. Having had similar experiences with the ups and downs of therapy, I just wondered what makes you persevere? Your trust and hope in your T or something else? Do you ever get charged for his extra time in texting or talking? For me, depending on how I'm feeling, if I'm feeling otherwise secure in my life,...Read More...

TAS, you really are such a fighter. I love that. I admire your struggle so much. All of this is so hard but I think all of us here know we have to push on. You are doing a great job, stick with it.Read More...

Oh, dear, dear Draggers, thank you so much! I have so missed you, but have tried to keep up. I have prayed for you, and missed your sweetness. I have looked into a new T, we have played phone tag the last two days and hopefully will connect soon. I did see old T today, it was difficult, way too, formal, business like. She did hug me at the end of our meeting. She never raised her voice, but was a bit stern at times. I think, maybe it's just me, just that I'm a huge fuck up and she has been...Read More...

Thank you so much for these responses! TheShins, I loved (there's that word) the link you included and your explanation of it--how it doesn't diminish the feeling itself, love in a therapeutic relationship, I mean, but acknowledges it as its own entity, sort of. Very helpful. Liese, your addition was perfect. An unselfish component, in which what is best for the beloved is desired above personal benefit, is a hallmark of mature love--and I had not thought to in luxe that. I really like that.Read More...

Thank you all so much for the responses. I am feeling better today, maybe because I can finally see my T in a few hours to talk about it. Mallard... yes I think it was partly the element of surprise that made it seem worse and it was intrusive. Plus I was already anxious due to our extreme weather. Thanks for your support. Hi Summer... it was routine, introducing me to "my" health advisor team so I know it did not have anything to do with my recent health issues. This is a brand new plan for...Read More...

Hi all , I am still hurting by these words. I just dont understand why my T did say this, I did not go to work that day , can it be he got angry to me because of that ?Read More...

Trauma is not always abuse, even though that is the typical connotation. Trauma is simply absence of a necessary condition for developmental progress. If you were abused, your need for safety, acceptance, and protection was compromised. If you were not able to socialize because of anxiety or illness, your need for developmental interpersonal experiences were not met. If you were not trusted to take care of yourself, your needs to develop independence were not met. The real question is what...Read More...

Re: Taking a breakRead More...

Hi Mallard, yeah - rubbish at asking for help. I'm not keen on anyone knowing I'm struggling - although I did lean, carefully and briefly, on a friend this week (it is progress!!!) I think maybe I could get some measure of acceptance for achievements - as it made my mother look good... but ultimately I think it also made her jealous? confusing really. I never feel 'good enough' - despite the evidence that I am just fine. My degree classification will get me on a phd program - which is what I...Read More...

Tom, Thanks for that information. It was very valuable.Read More...

((((MALLARD)))) Wow. What a great way to visualize it. I am just starting to recognize that I don't have to accept the "gift" but I'm sure I will be and have been less than gracious with other things. This stuff is hard for just about everyone not matter how you look at it. Dealing with the person directly first sounds like a solid rule. Otherwise, things can get really out of control. My boss told me yesterday that she has also had some difficult dealings with this woman. My biggest fear...Read More...

Hi Exploring, the old-T did have some problems 'containing' the therapy. This new T... I don't know... I loose a sense of myself and of any feelings - but when I finally realise that, she doesn't see it as a problem. I have said that it is a problem to me and that I don't want to do anything that makes me MORE spaced-out and detached from feeling anything. She said she 'felt bad putting me out' at the end of the session - but still does so. She said she'd give me a 10 minute warning that...Read More...