Hi, AG! :-) Thank you, Chickadee for the pointer to Pandora's Aquarium. I seem to remember looking at it at some point and feeling intimidated at the time. However, looking through what I can see, I think that it could be helpful.Read More...

thanks for your wisdom ((((morgs)))). it's all just oozing out, you know?Read More...

Anna, I think post from What a Shrink Thinks might shed some light and give you insight into how you are feeling. what a shrink thinks: What You Pay For AGRead More...

((AH)) Thank you. It is actually more the process that is tough. I just got to the point where I can only afford one financially and mentally. Beliefs about certain things matter to me, and I am more matched with new T that way. Old t's "aloofness" lately made the decision easier. He has higher paying clients, so Im sure it does not really matter to him. New T has taken me at where I am at instead of insisting I be where he wants me to be. I need that. I hope old T is not too upset. He did...Read More...

I also read the blog Athenicus mentioned. Everyone should read it! on the details of how the Transference dependency is sensitively worked out!!! It is by Dr. Jeffrey Smith and title is "Attachment to Your Therapist 1V"Read More...

AH, Becca, Eme, and Lucy, Thank you all for the hugs and support. It is so truly appreciated. I will keep you all updated as I go through this process in the next few months. I see my issues as a terrible character flaw and feel that I am a failure. T is trying really hard and hoping that I will be able to reframe my thoughts. We have agreed that for the time being my children will just be told that I'm going to be taking a class at the university. Maybe at some point further on I'll feel...Read More...

Thank you, Heart. I'm determined not to let this get in the way...stuff can happen. But I did say this to T: "If I were a millionaire, I'll bet this establishment could manage to make my appointments more predictable" He, he, he. Didn't go over so well, but helped me to say it anyway.Read More...

Beautiful turtle!Read More...

(((AG))) I love the comparison to a jungle, that's very true. Thank you for the link, I've learned SO much reading it!!! (((about))) Aw thank you about! You have some wonderful insights too, and it sounds like really big steps! (((stoppers))) I think sometimes seeing things work for others is the first step to feeling it for ourselves (((exploring))) thank you! I'm glad to know it's meaningful for others you have a great list too (and I know what you mean about it being a brain exercise to...Read More...

(((morgs))) As I read your post I had an aha moment... I'm still in small amounts of contact with my mom, but completely cut off contact from my dad. Maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe she's still filling that spot in my mind, even though there's no emotional connection...Read More...

Hi all, Thanks for the responses and support. Since October's email to her I had to start making LOTS of changes/undoing lots of things that had been changed since 2010. -my own bank account (I got her name put on mine in 2011 because I was going back for another surgery and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...thankfully I can now see the big picture) -my own vehicle (we shared 2 and after getting my email she demanded the 1 back within a month, I thankfully got my own vehicle...Read More...

hi saka, big hug for being so thoughtful and caring and for checking in. i am feeling in my gut that this is the right decision, and then when i sit down and think through it, i feel even stronger in this conviction. the generous, thoughtful people on this forum (including you!) helped me come to this realization and understanding. i made an appointment with a new T for this week and am optimistic about her. i found her online and her treatment approach includes psychodynamic and eclectic...Read More...

I've thought about this some more and really at the heart of it for me is that I struggle with feeling taken advantage of. Again, issues of powerlessness. I had a dream in the last week that I think illustrates my fear. My kids pediatrician (in my dream) was in a relationship with another pediatrician in the practice. They had four kids together but he refused to marry her, telling her that she had everything she needed. She complied and seemed to be okay with it but really deep down inside,...Read More...

(((AG))) You have such a clear grasp on explaining this stuff, thank you for posting! It makes sense that this is a pretty complex reaction, and would be unique to each person's experience. I really do identify with the idea of having an internal filter that I relate to others through, and it being magnified in therapy. And I am very grateful to know that these patterns can change, that's a relief!! (((monte))) I'm sorry to hear how much you've been through It really makes sense how you...Read More...

((eme, Becca, AH, Liese, erica, AG)) Thanks for your replies. I was looking over a lot of past email conversations with my T today, and although I can't find much evidence that the quantity of email has changed any, I could see that the tone and content seemed to have changed. I actually sound different...more sincere and natural. In some of the earlier emails I seem to oscillate between sounding overly chipper, sounding desperate and apologizing for myself. EDIT: Also last year I went...Read More...

((ATHENACUS))I want to wish you a great session with your T before she goes on a medical leave. You mentioned that you want to figure out why your going to Therapy, and if you continue, you want to know what your looking for or want from Therapy. That is such a great thing to do. That is exactly what I am doing, and I agree that just having someone to listen, support, empathize and guide us is so valid and healing. Let us know how you session went. HugsRead More...

((eme)) Thank you, I am very glad it came across that way. And I know you to have done amazing things and will continue to do so.Read More...

(((HIC))) Thank you I know you will continue to see more glimmerings of hope and growth, you're right it is so worth the effort to see the results! (((TN))) Thank you for being so kind It is a strange feeling to read back through the years and see how different things are. Hope you are doing ok too. I'm hanging on by my fingernails sometimes, but still hanging on I feel like I'm sitting in a room with a huge puzzle on the floor, and I'm trying to put all the pieces together... trying to...Read More...

Girls, Thank you for your replies. How do you think I should tell new T how I came to see him? Do I tell him? I mean he does know about former bad T but not this one. I'm afraid he'll be upset, I mean I have only been slightly dishonest a handful of times, I know I got myself in an impossible situation. Anyone been through this transition?Read More...

I love the replies...they definitely get me to think, outside of my point of view. I think if someone understands they should KNOW me. They should know what I feel and what I think. I think this is somewhat unrealistic and this is part of the reason I asked the question to read and take in another's idea of what it means. I liked the idea of understanding another is a process. It takes time and it is done in increments. I also like how someone said it is about being heard. I tend to think if...Read More...

(((bluesky))) I think that would have hurt my feelings too At the very least for the fact that you're saying something is a concern to you and will be difficult, and hearing that she can't believe you haven't done it before. I guess I personally feel that age shouldn't have even been brought up by her. I'm sorry you got that reaction, and I think you're very brave for entering a program that you feel will be difficult. FWIW, I've done CBT work before, and am just beginning DBT as of a few...Read More...

(((eme))) you are always so kind, thank you for the support It's funny when you mentioned exT having baggage, I remember when he made the comment I thought to myself later that day "Talk about baggage, I feel like he's sitting there with a pile of suitcases around him!!" I'm hoping it gets easier from here. It really helps to have so much encouragement from you guys through all of it, helps me not feel so alone. I think it must be a common reaction of many here on the forum to have trouble...Read More...

(((DRAGGERS))) Sorry for the hijack. I used to feel ashamed about needing therapy but don't anymore. The more I seek healing from different sources, the more I find lots of really interesting and smart people whom I admire. I am more comfortable around those types of people now that the more narrowed minded types who don't believe in therapy. So much of it is about the brain and if they don't believe in therapy, they don't know anything or care anything about the brain and I don't want to...Read More...

About, I like this concept a lot. I am sure I have a judge too. But the bit that gives me the most trouble though is what I call my 'overbearing inner protector'. This part of me has learned that the best way to stop me from doing anything that is considered 'risky' (and by risky, I mean activities such as reaching out to other people, trusting others, having faith in myself etc, etc) is to scare the shit out of me by reminding me of all the times the 'risky' behaviour has resulted in...Read More...

Thanks Pengs I think what worries me most is that she isn't bothered when I suddenly say I've stopped feeling anything, or that I'm blank emotionally. She just says its 'normal' that it is 'self protection' and encourages me to go on. I guess really at that point I want to stop, get grounded, try to find why I'm numb, stay with it? And too often I only notice I'm in that place when I notice its time to go. I will try to voice this on Friday. SBRead More...