Thank you for your answers! So I have done it. I knew I was allowed to do it, we had discussed it before I left, and we had decided how and how often, but I still felt it was intruding, so I indeed something as meaningless as just "hi", but she answered, and... so she's still there. (and it feels sooo reassuring. It's stupid, but... great. I am not abandoned/lost, then.) Thank you for your support.Read More...

Yep!!:-(Read More...

Turtle, I dont remember not being loved as an infant. Once a sociopath always a sociopath so it doesnt take much to add it up and know how I was treated in infancy. It's what I do remember that confirms everything about my families behavior towards me. Yes, our past certainly does cause problems for us now. Some of us pay dearly by giving up our lives in one form or another.Read More...

Remember? "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen." ~Brené BrownRead More...

I kinda think we always knew, but to hear it said.........Bugger of a thing eh?Read More...

Hi cogs! Yep, Prazosin is what I'm on just the tiniest dose it goes I think. Woke up to another great morning after another great sleep. It also helps me fall asleep. I'm afraid to sleep too, right now I'm afraid of my own bedroom and sleeping out on my couch.Read More...

no problem TAS. you didn't sound grumpy towards me at all. I hope that T does call you tomorrow.Read More...

Just caught up with it all.Read More...

Anonymously...thank you I hope he does call. If he doesn't...I can not bear the thought of him seeing how difficult this is for me...and yet, not replying. I want to FEEL he cares, and that feeling eludes me...I am trying to be an adult about this but I feel I am getting close to throwing out all decorum...I am hoping for the best...Read More...

I'm sure your XT will receive it CD.Read More...

Whatever word or gesture that indicates he is temporarily/selectively deaf. Thats the time I ask if he is having (another) TIA~ Mini stroke.Read More...

Mudd, how awful. There really are no words. Wanted to let you know I was feeling with you as I read this latest. I think it would be so good if your H could bring himself to read that Fatal Distraction article. I had actually read it before now. . . a friend sent it to me when my daughter was a few months old because we were talking about a similar incident we had heard of. I wondered how it could happen. The article completely tore me up. Definitely increased humility and compassion. It...Read More...

Hi AG, Thanks for commenting and relating. I'm glad I made some sense, lol, felt I was in a bit of a fog when I wrote my posts. Yeah, I can definitely see not wanting to relate with T socially and how that might have connected to the feeling of dread. I am wondering what further is behind that feeling. I'm sensing, for me, it's less about the experience of vulnerability and exposure that could result from a possible meeting with T and more coming from a kind of toxic shame that I am not...Read More...

I ended up crying and being able to express myself... my T for the first time said 'You look just miserable'. (Thanks, man!) I was a quivering mess... by the time I got to the couch. Thank you guys for commiserating with me. I do spend sooo much time intellectualizing, especially out of therapy that it's so hard. Plus, I feel pushed away right now and scared of some changes coming up. I understand about the clock thing, too - I start trying to get better very fast. The times I have the most...Read More...

The break will be an hour and a half session with T, and hopefully getting more agro out. .Read More...

I still really don't see the friendship. None the less, I'm glad you have a positive and close relationship with her - you're definitely not in a minority there, minus the kissing... I don't kiss friends or therapists - just my pets for nowRead More...

Hey Mudd under the message box when you are writing there is an "add attachment" bit. Click on that and see what happens.Read More...

(((River))) i know you're having a hard time now so i really appreciate your input. it sounds like you understand that therapy can really magnify your issues. yes, these are things that affect my daily life, and they are not nearly as profound as they are in therapy, but they do affect my quality of life none-the-less. P.S. you'll really name your next born after me?!?!? you have laid down the gauntlet, girl! inner-child work is something i've only read about and quite frankly am not...Read More...

Love is learnt? In my case love is dormant, still waiting to be triggered, but too many negative emotions within prevent that from happening. None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free. _Pearl S. Buck.Read More...

I waited till the last quarter of the session to bring it up. I said, "Oh, I felt a little bad about the wire monkey comparison last week." T laughed. Then I said, "I thought maybe it was a little. . . dismissive?" T, "I think I told you at the time that it seemed like black and white thinking. There might be room for some more gray shades in there." Me (a little awkwardly) "Well, I'm sorry about. . . that." T laughed again. Then there was a long pause and eventually I changed the subject. I...Read More...