PASSION FRUIT, I really identify with practically everything you said. I was trying to do the same thing - control my T's feelings towards me. I have a four year old too! Of course, would love to see how it all gets resolved since I was not able to resolve it with my old therapist but only as much as you ever want to share.Read More...

I took another peek because I forgot to turn off auto notification and saw there was a reply. CAN'T ignore that! Auto notification off now but, Liese, thank you - your reply made me smile. I'd like to see a thread about "disobedience" w/r/t T's guidance - when do we think we know better than T and were proven right or wrong; if wrong, did we do it again, etc. Oh, wait, I won't get to see it. Must. Sign off. Now.Read More...

I guess you are saying that you cannot (yet) feel a connection with him in session. He isn't present for you in a way that feels meaningful and is possible for you (looking at someone when crying is really hard to do to be fair). It seems such a big risk to reach out, in case you find that there is no one there - and that would be too much to cope with. I have had therapy where, just at the wrong moment, the therapist feels miles away - far across a ravine, like a dot on a way off mountain...Read More...

Thanks people. I'm suddenly aware of a very forlorn little girl inside - the feeling is so powerful I am teary. What could a little waif like her do to provoke the abuse and rejection... the worst feeling is those feelings of needing to be loved. Wondering how, if, when anyone could love that part of me. sbRead More...

Oh, TN, I'm so glad for you, that your T is willing and knowledgeable about the inner child work! I wish I could see your T, and then I would know that my inner child stuff would be treated with respect and wisdom. I'm almost at the place where you are, just beginning to trust the T to treat the child so neglected and abused. Yet, I'm not sure my T knows and treats Transference like yours does. I know I would get well with that wise treatment. I just hope you can stay with it and trust more...Read More...

Let me try out a few Yup. Love them!Read More...

(((CAT))) I think you nailed it: a jerk is a jerk is a jerk. The effect is the same no matter the motivation behind the behavior. I am hesitant to blame bad behavior on trauma, even if trauma is present. Some people may genuinely have trouble managing the finer points of relationships because they're hurting. But if someone is being an outright pain in the arse, it's probably because they're inclined to be a pain the arse. In other words, they're probably acting like a jerk IN SPITE OF their...Read More...

ElizaJ Thank you for your kind words here!! So hard to be kind to myself.Read More...

I hope that, too. Thankfully, I haven't had any gut-deep concerns about my T crossing the line - just my general paranoia. At last session, I talked about my fear of connecting with him, that it was causing alarm bells to go off in my head because of my past experience with men, that it was hard to accept that he didn't want anything from me, etc. He said all of that was totally understandable and that my psyche was functioning just as it should. He said the natural process of connecting...Read More...

I'm so happy for you Elsewhere. Especially that you find her nice and similar approach to your old T. I understand the sad feelings with it though - perhaps it's processing the ending with your old T (ending as in unexpected rupture due to her being off sick unexpectedly). Also relate to having to pay a lot to see a T. I do too. Some weeks I pay the same as my mortgage payments for the treatment I need and I'm still recovering financially from 3 months off sick without any income from the...Read More...

Moi?Read More...

(((liese))) Thank you, that helps me so much to know that, it cuts through my shame storm It is amazing how short a time the wrong T can leave a trail of damage I remember telling T2 that exT only had 20 hours with me and so much harm resulted. Less than one day!! But again, thank you for helping me not feel so ashamed of all thisRead More...

I like that idea... I may give that a try and see how it goes too. It seems like it can't hurt, and having a sense of control is pretty important.Read More...

Thank you TN and MsC for your replies and support. I will return to this thread at another time. I am in a very bad emotional space today and just am shutting out the world because I no longer want an audience for my pain. Thank you so much.Read More...

you didn't miss anything, and you're a dear ((((Leise))))Read More...

Thank you so much, Liese and Caroola. Your words and hugs help a lot! <3Read More...

The confusion isn't unique to us, the clients - that's why most Ts have supervision We all need someone to talk to about what's going on in our heads, with someone subjective who can help us understandRead More...

Wow. If she was really good at her job she probably helped a lot of people over the years ... A kind of penance perhaps. Wonder what her clients think of it all now? Not sure how I'd feel if it later was revealed a T I'd seen had done something so big and hidden it ... Worded feel quite betrayed in a way - certainly would make you question how sincere they and been in their dealings with you...Read More...

((((GG)))) Wow what a powerful story.Read More...

Elsewhere I am so so so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through . It's one of my huge yet unspoken about fears if mine that my T will get pregnant and go on maternity leave. Because if my issues with 'motherhood' for me it would feel a worse betrayal than if she just terminated me. I don't knw where you live or what system you're in - I'm assuming it's a public system? Is there ANY chance you can go privately to see a T? Even if you...Read More...

I would be grossed out too at the suggestion it was my mother I 'really' wanted to hold me - no way. Like. BLT - my mother held me too. In a lot of ways she was a so called typical middle class housewife married to a man of good standing in the community. She baked us birthday cakes and held us birthday parties. She knitted and sewed my younger sister and I matching outfits. She fostered our love of reading, took us to the movies, on picnics, ice-skating. In winter she even stood outside in...Read More...

"About" I had such a Da JA Vu experience in your description about your mom. Sad to say, I was raised by an aunt who sounds just like her outlook on life. You so much have to believe in yourself and a better way of life. She must have had a rough bringing up herself...not to excuse anyone. But it's been $80,00 later and I'm just now learning how to treat myself with kindness and love. I hope you stay in therapy. I told my T last session that I might stay in therapy the rest of my life, if I...Read More...

My greatest hope, honest and truly, is to live forever in the Snoopy dog house she has under her desk.Read More...

Thank you AH. You have the very same resilience added to strength and courage. And one day it will be you lending your hope to others on here. I hope you are doing okay. Hugs TNRead More...

AG and Mallard, I will definitely look up those books. Knowledge has been a life saver for me. I'm deep into regression with my T now and I just don't know how I could make it through such strong emotions without knowing what's going on. Thanks a million!Read More...