Maybe you don't have to decide...perhaps you just need to be with the people you feel nurture you best, male or female. I think when you feel you can't give or receive love you can get into relationships where the feelings might be misinterpreted. My early relationships were all based on the belief that physical intimacy meant love ( great lesson from childhood - not!) Now I am in a relationship which in any ways lacks a lot on physical intimacy, but we have an intimate dialogue and we can...Read More...

CD, I could have written what you just wrote. lol. Yes, I had a session with her on Thursday last week. I went back and forth so much with it (in my head) going, not going, going, not going, never going again...yada yada...you get it. I went. We talked about it. I told her I was afraid of getting attached b/c of what she has said. I told her that I think about her during the week between sessions when I am triggered and calms be a bit, but that I also feel myself scolding myself for getting...Read More...

((anon)) by experiencing the isolation and loneliness and talking to T about it you're gradually healing that sad and lonely place inside. Its a really frustratingly slow process though! Lots of people with huge amounts of shame are terrified of infecting and contaminating those around them and are convinced people can see through their social facade to their core which they are convinced is bad and worthless. You're not bad or worthless and who you are won't harm anyone you get close to.Read More...

Tas Makes very good sense and I think part of the T's job is identifying what those defenses are, what they're trying to achieve and why they're ultimately unhelpful. I have finally started to be able to observe this dynamic in myself. I have a horribly harsh inner critic (punitive parent) who basically wants me to disconnect, self destruct and die. So when those elements are alive without accompanying grief, I know I'm blocking something. Because at a time earlier in life it wasn't safe to...Read More...

L2F...amazing words...so true. When someone speaks of their experience and you can feel what they are conveying...powerful. CD...thank you...I try to be persistent...but sometimes I lose heart... RT: Sending you hugs...for the journey... T.Read More...

hey, ((((mudd)))). what both Jillian and RT said. spot on. be gentle with yourself, k?Read More...

I completely relate to what you wrote Anonymously.Read More...

(((TAS))) yes, some of the same issues come up whether male or female. but, one thing at a time. because a female T will most likely bring up male issues as well. it really is weird shit. :P one thing at a time. too overwhelming otherwise. all that stuff is wierd but inconsequential. it must be hard not to think about it, though. my best advise would be to talk with your T about the similarities if you haven't already. it was a semi-formal good-bye. it sucked to say the least. one of the...Read More...

Thank you CD, and Blu. It was an honor to have known him. We were both in pain about our lives, but somehow that pain never entered our friendship. We managed to live in the moment and go around, under and over our pain and not once permit that impostor in. A pain free friendship is rare and never forgotten. .Read More...

Thank you Closed Doors. So. Very. Hard.Read More...

Well I sort of failed at the letter. T was very kind about it. She said it was a start. But that I was still turning everything back in on myself. I said things like "you really tricked me into that one", or "I can't believe I was so stupid to trust you". But that is how I feel. I feel horrible that I did not see what was happening sooner and that I let such terrible harm occur. My new assignment is to add a paragraph to the letter each day that starts with "I feel angry, or mad, or...Read More...

Your right Cat a lot of this is WTF. This isn't my 1st hospitalization but 1st time in a state facility. From what I hear from others there's a very nice facility over the state line, but I don't have anything to compare it to. I felt like I was doing well. I was making progress, getting ready for emdr & doing parts work which I've never done before. I was doing CBT, DBT & actually "using" it; I've tried it before but didn't really like it. Everything that's mandatory to go to here I...Read More...

Hi Kash Maybe a way to think about it is recovering your "true self" (both Winnicott and Masterson write about this) and being able to live freely and peacefully rather than in the constraints of your "false self" that adapted to allow you to survive your childhood but is an outdated and unhelpful way of perceiving and relating to the world in adulthood. You won't ever know what life would be like if you hadnt had to create a false self but you can heal and be able to live in a more...Read More...

Closed Doors Thank you. It takes my breathe away... that is how painful it is...but I can't give up...I have too much on the line...Read More...

thanks Erica well exams are over and while it was one of the craziest weeks I have been through recently, it was also amazing and sad at the same time. I had a three hour exam on Tuesday afternoon which involved writing 7 essays and answering 50 multiple choice questions in 3 hours. I was deliriously tired by the end. I had a session with T immediately afterwards and luckily his office was within walking distance from the exam centre but the 30min stroll seemed to drag on endlessly. I was...Read More...

I don't know the answer, but have an inkling that I have a ton of it well buried and not wanting to come out. The word has never been mentioned in my therapy. Yet.Read More...

I am SO glad you wrote that, makes me feel very normal now! I see nothing wrong with tracking a flight - a very usual thing for us to do...Read More...

Best I give an apple to the teacher Blu?Read More...

(((Little Me))) would you consider recording the session in case you do dissociate and can't remember much? i taped quite a lot of my sessions and i really treasure those recordings, and pick up new things each time i listen. my recorder cost about $30 ... not a bad investment. i'm making dinner so need to go, i just wanted to touch base with you and tell you to stick around if it helps and let us know where you're at in your journey. take careRead More...

because maybe from personal experience you know how important the role of father is. maybe you didn't realize it when you were 21 or 17, but as you get older you start to think about these things and realize their utmost importance, and you don't want your kids to suffer the same heart-ache you currently do. just a guess.Read More...