Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. Cat.. I wish I knew my T's favorite song or even favorite type of music. I do agree that sharing certain music can be very intimate because it says something about ourselves that can link to deep emotions. I guess that is why I have found it difficult to share music and also react with anxiety after I do share with T. I don't think we would ever play music in the background while in session as it's too distracting but playing a specific song for...Read More...

Hi All, I've been wanting to come back to this discussion for awhile now. Life has just been really busy for me. I have been reading Brene' Brown's the gifts of Imperfection. It is a really little book and I've skimmed the whole thing but I find that to truly understand and absorb what she is saying I have to go back and read very slowly and sort of sit with it. In the book she lists 10 guideposts to living a wholehearted life. The second guidepost is letting go of perfectionism and...Read More...

Thanks SB. I really really struggle with the concept of 'it's safe in the here and now' - I really really struggle with that because the flashbacks are so real and cos they are so SEAMLESS - the past and present float together in and out and I get so dissociated... And the feelings are so damn awful I'm unable to tolerant them even for the 'few seconds' they are there I used to be told 'just tell yourself you're an adult now , you have more choices, you're safe' but then I went through the...Read More...

((((RM))))) Good point about the message I was sending her. It's so important to pay attention to how we teach people how to treat us and/or what messages we are conveying without intending to. I know lateness often drives some people crazy and that it is seen is rude. I often have a ton of anxiety leaving my house that I am trying to get a handle on so I can be more prompt. Also, since we weren't allowed to have feelings as children, it became important to me to NOT let other people know...Read More...

Hello Affinity, Thank you so much for you reply. And many many thanks to your helpful tips. I will practice them starting now. I'm sorry you too have are going through this painful process. I know each day gets better. Even though I hate that you went through it, it's good to know I'm not alone in my feelings and obsessions. Last Friday, I decided once and for all to send her an email to have MY formal closing session. I told her how she hurt me and gave explicit examples of how she crossed...Read More...

Thank you to everyone else who gave feedback. I wasn't going to publish this anywhere else, but since so many found it helpful, I might look into where else I could make it available.Read More...

Yes. My T has actually said all of the above on a couple of occasions. The ET does a lot of different (seemingly contradictory) things for me: distracts from my pain, simulates intimacy, keeps me from real (scary) intimacy, feeds my (false) sense of power, feeds my shame, etc. T and I discussed this a little bit yesterday. He said the little girl inside of me has (age-inappropriate) erotic desires caused by abuse. Of course, it would be horrifically destructive to cater to those desires.Read More...

I was wondering if you gave your therapist the stone ElizaJ before she left and what her reaction was? I have given my therapist a few things over the years , but never anything before a break.It is quite a comforting idea that she would have something with her I think. I would die for a note.My therapist would never write a note, so I am particularly jealous that you may of gotten one .Read More...

I very much appreciate the responses; they've offered some needed perspective. I hesitated to post, but decided to do so because this therapy dilemma has been going on for months now and I haven't known how to handle it. Jones--You write for therapy, too, huh? That made me smile. And I was glad to know I am not alone in needing what I've written to matter to my T for it to be worth it to me to continue to write. That was validating. I do want to talk with her about doing things...Read More...

(((DPS))) I like that when you think of kinship, you think of something that is very meangingful. When I read it, my first impression was that it was sort of a general kind of feeling connected to everyone because we understand now that we are all trying to get the same things for ourselves but I like the way you see it better. I wasn't referring to an equal/unequal vs. an equal/equal type of thing. I was referring to the last time I can recall having strong attachment feelings towards...Read More...

I think anyone other than those with the mildest of issues might find therapy once every 2 months inadequate to say the least. Your feelings of retraumatisation, longing for that connection, abandonment and pain are understandable in this situation. Is there a way of finding someone to work with you, who can 'be there' more for you? All therapists have boundaries and limitations, but not as difficult as those you currently have. I get the screaming in your head thing. Maybe try to do a...Read More...

Skylynx - read up on The QUiet Borderline. There are variants - and there are a couple of really good books on it and info on the internet. Not all borderlines "act out" - lots of them "act in".Read More...

Thank you allRead More...

Catalyst, it sounds like you have done a great work, and I'm so happy for you. And my advice for you at this stage would be "Don't push the river."Read More...

ElizaJ, I really don't have any words right now but I hear you. Just wanted to give you soothing hugs and gentle thoughts.Read More...

Thank you for your responses. I was so busy at work I didn't get anytime on the computer and I was run off my feet. It is tiring being that busy but it does keep me from obsessing about therapy and my T. I do have two more sessions before my vacation. Tomorrow and Monday afternoon. So I do have another chance to discuss a phone session with him. TN, I am sorry that you have chronic hip pain. I can certainly understand using pain killers because the pain is constant and so exhausting. My T...Read More...

Hi Yaku, Most of the time I recognize myself pretty quickly, but there are rare occasions where I have to "watch" myself for a while before I can identify myself. I may have had a few dreams where I never recognized myself, but I don't remember those in any detail. The abuse in my dreams isn't realistic either; I tend to have dreams where my dad is abusing me as an adult woman rather than the little girl I was. There can be some weird stuff in those dreams. But, for me, that indicates the...Read More...

(((Draggers))) I never got to read your original questions, but I wanted to respond with something. The quality of the apology counts. Sometimes it's possible to receive an apology from the person who hurt you and it be totally inadequate. Case in point: my father has apologized to me on about three different occasions for abusing me. However, his apology was on par with "I'm sorry I hurt you." Missing was any acknowledgement of my pain. And these apologies came only when my father was...Read More...

TAS, I am so sorry about your pup. Life sometimes really sucks.Read More...

Yay for having been through this long time! You can e proud of yourself (and you can build a fake Advent Calendar, I do that often, when waiting for something!)Read More...

Hi, sorry I am a bit late, I was in between Canada and France, but here it is, I am back. Therapy often makes me anxious (I am sick before most of the sessions), so I feel your pain! My solutions so far have been: - benzo: I was prescribed some for some time, but i was not taking them before therapy (made me too sleepy), but the general lowering of anxiety in the rest of my life made the anxiety more manageable during the sessions - rum: not a solution I would recommend, but I did use it a...Read More...

My T is a real stickler about eye contact. If I don't look at him he insists that I do. In the very beginning it was almost impossible and even though I would turn my head towards him my eyes would go out of focus so I couldn't see him. Now sometimes when he insists I look at him I will say NO. But most times I look because I do get more information and feel more connected when we hold eye contact. TNRead More...

Thank you AG and thank you who have responded to and acknowledged my feelings and my struggle. I too acknowledge and validate all of yours. I am glad this has opened a gateway to discussion on diagnosis and the stigma and shame attached to some diagnosis especially BPD. Regardless of diagnosis each person deserves to have their concerns and feelings heard and acknowledged and sometimes challenged, to grow. We all deserve compassion and thoughtful care and to be valued, anything less is...Read More...

Hi Chezza... thank you for your very thoughtful reply to my post. I am happy to hear that you have found someone who understands you and even uses your name which I think is SO important to establishing that special connection. I am glad you added your review to exC's advertisement. I felt very much like you in my wish to spare others what I have been through. It should never happen and yet it does, time and time again. It's the dirty secret of therapy in that no one talks about it and if...Read More...

You rock woman!! I am so very impressed that you manage to have a sense of humor about this. I think that's pretty amazing. I hope that somehow the time flies by.Read More...