((((HI RED)))) Thanks for the validation.Read More...

Thank you everyone for the replies, and sorry for the delay in response. Hmm, well the first thing is that it took a while. Maybe about 9 months? And it was a gradual thing, it didn't happen all at once. In the beginning she was very sensitive to it and wouldn't look at me too much, and would sit a little far away to give me space. If I was feeling very anxious, she would tell me to look out the window because the view was calming to me, or I would sit under her weighted blanket or hold one...Read More...

((Pops) Tas the other thing my T tells me especially after a rupture is that we have made a commitment to each other. T says it so that I stick with her and to reassure me that no matter how tough it can be between her and I that she is committed to me and our therapy for as long as it takes - I pretty much believe that my T will never terminate me (WOW, anyone who knows me knows it has taken years for me to realise that....) I think making a commitment to each other is a good dialogue to...Read More...

Wow, just proof read that and by self shooting I definitely meant SOOTHING!!! T did not encourage me to shoot myself! Although I might end up doing that if this darn autocorrect (I'm using my iPad) keeps getting me into trouble!Read More...

Hey DpBluSee, Thanks for the book recommendations and suggestions. I will definitely check some of those out. I do have some more ideas and questions to bounce off you, but unfortunately no time to type it all out at present. Will probably pm in a day or so, thanks!Read More...

I have a lot of trouble talking in detail about how touch is used in my therapy and that has leaked into a sort of taboo feeling for me as well. T and I talk about that a lot, about it being OK and safe, not experienced as bad for him, and perfectly OK the way it is being used (which is mostly in working with younger parts who want it). It's a very confusing thing to me, because there is a lot division inside over really wanting/needing it vs having an extremely avoidant, even sickened...Read More...

T never told me that in so many words, but she did say things like "wow, that is a lot of things to be thinking about" and suggested I needed to slow down the thinking. I think it's really the anxiety that fuels being in your head. When you're anxious, your body feels uncomfy to be in, so you go into your head and try to resolve the situation by thinking, but it really just makes the anxiety worse. If you can slow down the thinking and start to feel whatever is going on in your body, it will...Read More...

Thank you! Didn't think of the Vicks rub so I just found some. I have a couple candles burning in my bedroom 2 help w/smell & hopefully get me thru the night. Not sure what house will smell like in the morning & how much its sathrated into everything like curtains, couch etc. Next time they do it we'll probably have a/c on but its still there just in a breeze. I hate the way this diagnosis has taken away things I most deearly loved especially from my childhood & I'm cutting it...Read More...

I took Wellbutrin and I hated it. It made me feel like an emotionless zombie. I think it made the depression worse when I was on it. I'm still boggled by the fact that I was prescribed the max dose when I was 16! Ridiculous!!! I absolutely refused to take it again after months of being on it. I don't really remember a lot of physical symptoms but I do remember sleeping a lot more than usual. Wellbutrin did not make me feel very "well"Read More...

Ahhhh... the dreaded "I moved an inch closer to T and now I have to run for the hills" syndrome! Been there done that and still do it on occassion. My T knows I do this and whenever I confess something big/new to him he is expecting me to pull back, pick a fight, complain about him, etc., until I can settle down again. He calmly and patiently reminds me of our relationship, our history and his own behavior towards me. He is good at contrasting his behavior with those who have hurt me in the...Read More...

Thank you very much for your concern. That is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm never sure if I'm in the fog or not. Even when I try to be aware if I am. In the therapy I think I was in it most of the time. When I was not there was almost always only terror. One of those moments my T said: "Welcome to reality." At the hospital 22 years ago a psychiatrist asked me what I wanted, and I answered that I would like to learn to be at the helm. In the final goodbye hour with my T, after 20 years...Read More...

You are a very clever and insightful person. I have sensed what you're saying, afterwards when I look back, that he couldn't handle being unable to "cure" me. And also that he was angry with me and has punished me with a bad ending. I am convinced that he sincerely did want to help me and that he very strongly indeed wanted this to succeed. I know from the first 8 years. It was after he had made that "trick" or technique provoking me to ask for more time and I didn't because I was in my...Read More...

(((TN))) I'm not sure but I think my T has been alone for a long time. He only took off his wedding ring about 3 years ago though. So for the first part of my therapy, I thought he was married and I obviously coped with it. BUT, I was not as close with him then as I am now and I think I might be less tempted to reach out to him if on a Friday, for example, if I thought he was home with his wife. Some might say that was a good thing. LOL! I really don't reach out to him more than once or...Read More...

Poppet!!!!!!Read More...

Thank you all for your responses. Sometimes, the way the depression feels, makes me feel like I am crazy. I am grateful that you were each willing to share your own experience as it helps me to see I am not alone in the way I feel. (((((IrishGirl))))) - Thinking of you.Read More...

B2W I thought the comment was interesting, but when it comes to mental health I don't think there's very much that's absurd. The only comparison I have personally is that I have days that feel like "fog, heavy, slow days" like going thru the day half asleep & everything is an extreme effort including talking & in slow motion. I've only had days like this w/in the past 10 yrs & I've noticed a big difference w/ the amount of light I have that day. I live between 2 small mt ranges...Read More...

Hey Julie, I think it's awesome that you want to learn as much as you can about your anxiety. I have never taken an online class but others here have. Good luck.Read More...

Hi Liese, I realised from this book that I am very strongly left brained. Her discription of the continuous stories coming from the left brain fits me so well. I suppose what I am doing in therapy is trying to develope my right brain and allow myself to feel more and be here in the present, not lost in the past or worrying about the future. What really hit me was the idea that the joy and fullfillment is there all the time in the right brain, but is often overpowered by the left brain, it is...Read More...

Sad but very true that it is rare, but a sign of someone who really cares . Thanks AV for putting this up, starfishyRead More...

That is a hard question to answer, especially when you don't find comfort easily. I would be stumped too. My biggest, but maybe not most convenient, comfort is sleep. It takes everything away @ least for some time. I always looked to nap in the sun... like a cat. Before kids my H & I had this "hour of power" & for one hour we could indulge in anything & not feel guilty about it. It gave ourselves a break from society saying you shouldn't do this or that...or nap. That was...decadentRead More...

Briefly cat it sounds like things are really complicated at the moment and its hard to sort out what's mom transference and what's a real concern with T2. I completely understand the frustration at healing being a slow and non-linear process. I think for someone who tends to have strong protective boundaries and a need for control, therapy ruptures are hard to work through and take time to work through. I'm really sorry your T went off at you over the phone, that wasn't fair or helpful to...Read More...

Interesting post! I was just thinking this type of thing the other day oddly enough. I'm sorry to hear that you are distracted by your T's apparent use of Botox. I would think the lack of facial expressions would be odd. Hmmmm....I have no idea how you would bring it up except to talk about lack of facial expressions like someone else just said. I was thinking of my former T the other day (as I do just about every day). I was thinking of how often her skin looked so young and glowing many...Read More...

Hi Starlight... how wonderful that you now have this great transitional object from T. I had to smile when I read this because after about 2 months of seeing my T he handed me his pen (that he was using) and told me to keep it. I still carry that pen in my purse everywhere I go and if I have a particularly difficult meeting to attend at work I use the pen to take notes or just hold in my hand. A few weeks later he told me about one client he gave a pen to who threw it away the minute she...Read More...

Liese, I appreciate your support and compliment. I think it would show a lot of strength for current T to be able to handle feelings about oT. Seeing oT doesn't stir up emotions. It's strange to me. I see her but feel nothing. My emotions only stir when I try expressing my feelings about what happened or how I felt when she terminated me to someone else. TN, You hit the nail on the head with who was at fault in your situation. You were working hard to get through your stuff and your T...Read More...

OK, here goes again. First, I think this is the best place you could possibly talk about this, because there are tons of people who will understand both your need to exercise your power to run away from the pain that therapy evokes and your desperate desire for T to know and love you the way a parent would. As TN said, you and your T talking about disorganized attachment would probably be a huge help. As an intuitive person who was trained by (OK, I admit it!) abusive parents to read and...Read More...