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What would help the forum/community be "safer" to post/respond, participate?

J janedoeMember
Hey all,

just thought I would start a thread to talk about what would help this forum/community be "safer" place for people to post or respond? (not sure why I put safer in quotes, sometimes it can be a loaded term.)

I don't know where to really start or anything. Just wanted to very intentionally give some "space" to talk about this. It seems to be something that's good to talk about in any relationship - with T's , with family, with friends, with a forum like this.

Please try to be respectful that there may likely be very differing points of view. Please also know that if someone expresses an opinion you don't agree with - that's ok. We all don't and probably won't agree on everything. But we all are somewhere in a process of working on our stuff, and I bet that just about everyone wants this to be a place where people can feel ok to post and respond.

It's my perspective that we will never be able to 100% avoid hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Those things are just gonna happen. (imho) It's partly the nature of wirtten communication (missing tone and non-verbal communication) and it's just a part of working out relationships and life. Written commmunication gives us a lot of advantages too.

It is my perspective that part of working all that out is to talk about what helps our own selves feel safer to post and respond - if it is stuff people do and we want them to keep doing, or stuff we wish happened more or less often (or not at all).

Maybe we could talk about what safe people do or what they are like or in general terms... or specific on the forum or... ?

I suppose this might all be weird comming from the queen of sloppy posting and sticking my foot in my mouth. Roll Eyes

I don't want this to be a threat to dictate how others should always act 100% of the time (and NO ONE HAS DONE THIS that I know of - just trying to say that my heart is that this muight be a threat where people can express what helps them - let others have the freedom to agree or not... and figure out what helps?

ok, now that I am totally mangling up this idea of trying to start this thread to talk about being safe... Roll Eyes

Anyone have any thoughts or ideas they would like to share?

even a better way to start out this kind of conversation? (feel free to start a diff thread too Smiler )

~jane

p.s. oh yeah, and please feel free to disagree and give honest feeback here of what I have written here in this post! I could probably use it. Smiler

p.p.s. I think you all are awesome and I'm glad for this place.
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blackbirdblackbirdMember
Good idea, JD...I will start, because I've been feeling really freaked out about posting lately.

I think the problem here is that we are on a forum dediicated to problems that come up for people who are deeply wounded and are in therapy because of it. It gets very hard. There are some who may need more than others feel able to give, or who may have a tendency to try and give more than they are reasonably able to, because one of the things we are all trying to learn is self-care. not so easy to learn that one, for me anyway. So, in my neediness, and also in my care-taking propensities, I may *unintentionally* yet seriously hurt another's feeling on this forum. And that bothers me a lot. Infact, it makes me not want to post.

Ideally, we should all feel ok to reasonable and honestly state the reasons for being hurt in the first place...yet that is not so easy to do...in fact, I suspect that if most of us were able to do that, we might not be on this forum in the first place. I've been trying to see this place as a place to learn. Because while full of support and great people, all of you-this place is just actually, quite a complicated problem and a potential minefield of seriously hurt feelings and all kind of stuff that seems to *just happen* in relationships, let alone among people who are easily hurt and triggered because of past events in our lives. So I think it's just really complicated. It is not because people here do not care, or are bad, or any of it...it is just the nature of the problem. I think there should be some ground rules in place that are a little bit more detailed, without taking people's freedom to say what they want to say away. Maybe the site really does need a moderator or two...I'm not sure about that.

Well, these are just my thoughts...take or leave...

BB
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Your not talking tosh, DF... Smiler I agree. I guess in terms of ground rules, I'm not sure what I meant, really. I think people need to feel free to post about whatever they want to, without fear of hurting, because people can choose to read of not to read, respond or not respond. I guess in terms of groundrules, I was thinking of something along the lines of no exclusion, but would need amoderator to enforce, because it is too hard for each of us to try and make everyone feel welcome, kwim? So many people...I guess I thought if there was a moderator, they could be responsible for making sure each new poster feels welcome, and "keeping track of everybody" and "making sure nobdoy is hurting really badly" and such. Because it's sooo hard not to forget anyone, since often it can be hard to find the time to post. But having a moderator has it's own set of pitfalls and annoyances, I guess, when I think about it. Just thoughts and musings, here, not really any outright suggestions meant by this at all...

If I was going to post any one ground rule it would be this:

If I am reading, take what I am reading at the word of the person. In other words, I shouldn't read between the lines, or read personal meanings or things into their words or take them as if they were directed at me, personally. If I am the one posting, Say what I mean, mean what I say, without fear but all within the boundaries of respect that I would follow in any realtime realtionship with a close friend I care about. We each have to be careful to gaurd and care for our own hearts.

Does any of this make any sense?

BB
macmacMember
Personally, I love that there’s no moderator on here. I’ve posted on another forum in the past where there were moderators, and they acted like they knew everything and were better than everyone else just because they were “mods”. It made posting very difficult sometimes when you were always worrying about what the mods would say. But I also see how it could be helpful for newbies. As long as the mods don’t take over the forum and make a bunch of new rules we all have to follow.

Dragonfly- I would be totally open about talking about my sexual experiences too in hopes that it would help someone else. But I definitely see your concern with it. It’s too bad because I think it could be helpful, but I don’t know if this is exactly the right place. Maybe sometime it will work out. I don’t know.
J jillMember
Say what I mean, mean what I say, BB quote.

funny, this is the third time in three days i have heard that spoken, and i really like it, the accountability.

i think mods would have to be a paid job, and that kills that. too, i think this has been a great place to feel wounded and to safely be able to speak up. i do know the feelings are real, regardless of this world being a little fake, but, barring time on line, can't find a real negative, for me, in being here. i have to balance the time and use it as a reward for getting something done...like dinner!!

i don't know, i sadly think we are all responsible for ourself, and we can't put that responsibility (or blame) onto others, to be really frank about this whole topic.

i, too feel, with TRIGGER WARNINGS, no one should feel too badly about whatever they say. and if they use this avenue to vent cruelly about another member, then REAL LIFE consequences are a natural flow of that. like you said, sweet bb, mean what you say and say what you mean...(and live with the consequences).

T told me last time that 'truth-tellers' in a family are ALWAYS the one everyone wants to shut up. and i have just this year been the truth-teller, and am bearing the consequences, but if the truth will set you free, then honey, hold on, coz i am READY for FREEDOM!! xxoo jill
forlornforlornMember
My main thing is to hope I don’t offend someone and if I do, to hope that I can have the chance to clarify or apologize for it.

I Post to express myself or my feelings and with the hope that others can share insight with me that I may be missing, or just to commiserate.

I Respond to express my story in a way that applies to the topic because I’ve either felt moved by it, or would like to interact with and help the person who started it.

I know my “help” may be totally off base and possibly unhelpful since I have my own influences in my life and thoughts. I really hope that I don’t offend because of this, as I’m usually just trying to share a shoulder and let others know they are not alone in these struggles.

I have felt that people here are very conscious of not being intentionally harmful and I appreciate it. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do to make it safer here.
smileysmileyMember
Good topic though I don't know how much we can do to avoid any problems. Everyone comes here with their own stuff and since everyone has their own opinions, it's going to be hard to not offend anyone at some point. I think what everyone needs to remember is to give grace to everyone. We all need at different levels and we all want to help the same way. I kind of look at this forum as being there to help me see what I can't see - good or bad. I may not like what some people say but that doesn't mean that I should take it personally. It is their opinion.
Anyway, Grace goes a long way......
starfishstarfishMember
DF

quote:
See thats it isn't it......who exactly do we answer too....each other or who?
I am not going to start a thread only for it to be pulled down, it would be humiliating so who do i ask if its ok?


It's difficult isn't it? I agree that to have a thread pulled would be really hard, but I wonder if the answer lies with the intention of the poster. If you wanted to write about something for example that was intimate or deeply personal, as long as there was a suitable trigger warning, then I think that's fine... BECAUSE your intention is not to upset, offend or harm. That intention is very different to the intention of harm that was caused to many of us here in the past. I think we must balance the sensitivity of the members who read the posts, with the need of some members to express their genuine on-going difficulties and concerns. Only by sharing such experiences can we learn that we are not alone in our troubles.

starfish
macmacMember
Ya I would also be scared that shinklady would make an appearance if I posted something to ‘explicit’. But if we put a proper warning before hand then I don’t see how she could argue that it wouldn’t be helpful to the community. I don’t know. Can we email her?

Are we all adults here? Do we know for a fact that there is no one underage who browses the forum? Can we just put a warning saying only read if you are 18 and older?

One reason I want to talk about sex is because I want to brag about how good I’ve been doing! Smiler Smiler. But I would also how that it might be helpful to someone somewhere.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thanks, AG...I read those when I first came here, but forgot most of them. It is good to see them again. I didn't realize that sexual content was prohibited, that being said, I mentioned it in a couple of posts but it was not intended in any way to trigger sexual feelings. I doubt anybody posting about the topic would be getting into it, if you know what I mean. Would be more talking about it in general terms, I would think?

I too have problems in this area and it stinks. It would be nice to get some input here and there, yet, I think my views on the matter probably significantly differ from the majority of people since I am rather strict practitioner of my particular religion...that being said, I do not think it is "shameful" to discuss sex. Even though it feels that way, it is not. I think it's a great idea for anybody who really wants to discuss the topic to contact shrinklady and ask...the Rules of the House actually already say that you can do that! It would probably be great for the forum for somebody to check in with her at this point anyway, let her know what's up since things are getting a little bit...er...complicated around here all the way around....Smiler who will be the brave one? (BB dives into her nest and buries her head under her wing.... Eeker) Big Grin Roll Eyes

BB
J jillMember
guys and gals, i will be big and bold right now, as i am in a 'i don't care what anyone thinks' mood.

but, dang it, if we are all so tippy-toeing around here afraid to do anything, then what is the purpose.

post 'trigger warnings' and LET IT RIP, no one is intentially mean to another, and if so, i think some of the pm'ing could maybe be public, and we could all learn and practice some of this stuff.

if this is going to have to be a super politically correct, egg-shell kind of environment, all i can say is YAWN!!!

c'mon, on the outside we are all adults, we all have damage on the inside, but, trigger warnings, or 'venting' warnings, sexual warnings, all that stuff should 'protect the innocent' and then i say, let it rip!! get 'it' out, and let's heal instead of running around the hamster wheel wondering about all our phrasing and stuff!!

let's look at INTENT when we feel harm, as i think any stepping on toes is accidental, and the little bit that isn't (altho i don't think i have EVER seen that here) is 'just life'. let's practice being assertive (which is not aggressive or hostile) and deal with these issues in a respectful way and , as smiley said, extend grace.

ok? i had a two hour session and am a bit fried, but wouldn't be so bold were i not on my last leg of the day!! i mean everything kindly, and am not trying to rub anyone's face in anything, i just want things back to NORMAL around here....our own kind of 'messed up' normal!! xxoo, love you all! y'all are all good people, everyONE of you!!! jill
amazonamazonMember
I don't think posting about sex would be inapropriate around here. We can have a discussion about sexual feelings here and could be interesting and helpful and respectful. Rules of The House do not prohibit that.
As for what may be triggering some unpleasanant feelings, memories etc., it is really difficult to assess. I think as long as we are respectful to each other, we should not really be blaming each other for any unintentional hurts.
Probably the best way to discuss these between the parties is private messaging. If the dispute is being carried out openly and more people get involved it is getting only more messy.

Anyway, I would be glad to read about others experiences with dealing with sexual feelings in therapy. That would be very insightful, since I am quite useless at this Smiler
ShrinkladyShrinkladyHead Shrink
Hi Everyone, I guess I'll have to do some work on clarifying my remarks about discussions on sexual content. I can certainly understand the need to bring this topic to the forum and I am pleased the way the discussion has gone over the concerns around posting on the subject.

I like the idea of posting a warning at the beginning of the thread. There's one other option...

I believe the Live Cloud software allows for having an area password protected. Anyone can be a member of that separate area, it's just that you optin into it.

What does everyone think about that?

Shrinklady
jonesjonesMember
DF, and everyone else.... I believe all the activation flying around at the moment will settle down soon. Especially if we take breaths, as you say, Draggers, and take care of ourselves.

None of us can do too much about what other people say, do, post and so on. But we can look after ourselves and go slow and take it easy for this one person. Find the energy inside ourselves that we would like to bring to the boards.

We are all good people, and we give each other lots of support and care and thought. Sometimes stuff gets activated and wires get crossed, but things will settle and our basic care for ourselves and each other will keep shining through, I reckon. That's what has brought each of us to these boards.

Big gentle hugs all round. Everything's going to be fine.

love,
Jones
starfishstarfishMember
Bravo DF for asking the question, and thanks Shrinklady for your answer Smiler. Shrinklady, I am glad that you can see why it might be important - certainly from a SA point of view, every sinlgle book on the subject, self-help or otherwise, seemingly has a chapter or seection devoted to such problems...because there is a need. But for me, it is the manner in which such material is written that makes it ok to read; likewise here, I know there has been a lot of recent upset on this forum, but underneath there is so much goodwill and good intention and people are generally very careful not to be triggering in their posts. I think with that knowledge in mind, a discussion on such a topic would be treated with care and respect.

Only my opinion of course Big Grin

starfish
smileysmileyMember
Ok - I feel compelled to say "ENOUGH ALREADY!" Eeker Sorry..... I just had to get that out. I don't mean to offend anyone here but wow are we all going crazy here? We all know that this is a place where alot of emotions are raw and really out there. We also all know that when things are this close to the surface it could trigger alot of reactions. So, we must try to just understand what other people are saying and just leave it at that. There are so many caring people here on this site than I think I've met in my life. Come on folks, let's just have a group hug and get on with caring about each other. No one wants to hurt anyone and we all know that.

Ok, sorry for venting. It just upsets me all this upheaval. That being said, the sexual posting. Ok, so I'm a prude. Big Grin I absolutely hate talking about sex. I am totally embarrassed and shy about the whole thing. However, I too have alot of issues in this area and it would probably be very helpful for me to hear from other people about their experiences. I know I'm not alone on this but I'll probably pass out from talking about it! LOL Anyway, I'm game and willing to try.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
I'm a prude too, Smiley! But I think it would be good to talk about. I was very scared about explicit content, though...not because I think it shouldn't be, but I would just want to know beforehand if the post or thread contained anything explicit. I like the idea of a password protected area because people might feel more free to discuss whatever...and I hate the idea because it feels like a closed door or that it is somehow shameful and dirty to have these problems. So, a bit confusing for me...

Just my thoughts...I hope others will make the final decision.

Draggers----you totally rock! Big Grin Good for you for being "the brave one!"

(((((((((((Psyche Cafe fellow campers and those who have built homes)))))))))))))

BB
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
No, Draggers, you DO totally rock!!!

Thanks Shrinklady. I think a password protected area would be great. Otherwise, thread titles with heavy trigger warnings that are clear that the discussion is about sex.

I have major issues in this area and it is a direct result of what happened to me and I'd love to get input on ways to help the situation.

Jones: Thanks for your post as well. I completely agree with you.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Draggers- yup, you rock. And as for more permanent sleeping quarters? Well, right now Starfish, LL, and I are sharing a cabin...but SG and I are currently in sleeping bags outside of Jones' door...so you are most welcome to sleep on the pullout I've been using! I know that LL and Starfish won't mind. There might be a couple others in there, but just tell them to bugger off, BB already said you could have her bed until Jones comes back, ok? Big Grin then if you want you can start building your own cabin...hopefully next door to mine!

Love,

BB
J janedoeMember
I'll play with you jill!!! and make some room for me for my sleeping bag Smiler and oh, let's have a campfire - i'll bring the fire pit! and we can light up the dark! Smiler
------------------------------

ssstart a ssex thread? um, yeah, think I will probably be w/ smiley, passed out on the floor, but I'm up for it - probably a very good topic even for me too. heck, I'm just trying to navigate starting to date again, and have no idea how to navigate my non-sex issues as is... how do you start a password protected thread? anyone know how? can I start a 'dating' non-sex thread? not to find dates - but about navigating dating relationships while in T for trauma? and while struggling to not be spooked by simple things? can I start that w/o a password protected thing? i can say it's a non-sex but dating thread. (oh shiesh. why is my life so complicated? why do I make everything so complicated.)

I wanna just run away and snuggle up in a safe place by warm campfire.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hi there Shrinklady - nice to meet you!

Thanks so much for organizing this space for us, that’s really good of you. Also want to take this chance to say a big thank you for the forum itself, it's fantastic.

I can’t for the life of me think of a name for it, I guess though it ought to be pretty clear what the topic is about to save misleading people. Maybe something like Intimate Discussions? Don’t know. Any ideas anyone?



LL
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