*shrug* I've mentioned to Ts that I've googled them before. I honestly am not looking for personal stuff - just the professional material, pretty much. Like, I google'd my prospective Ts looking for a website. They didn't have one. I found a few of Tfella's publications.

...it's all public, to be honest. Unless you get into hacking, which is seriously over the line, I've not gotten why it'd be a Big Deal to anyone to be google'd.

Thanks Wynne,
I hear what you're saying and it's not my fault the information is out there either. When I initially googled my T it was for the same reason you said, to find out about her professionally and to make sure there wasn't any hate sites on her. Which gladly I found none, but that is when I did find some of what I would consider more sensitive information that I am sure she is not aware is out there. (She is a bit technologically challenged so I am certain it wound up there by mistake.)
But since then when I was in my transference frenzy I googled her to see what else I could find. No harm done, but I feel guilty for knowing personal information that she has not divulged to me herself, nor would she I am sure. You know? No I would never get into hacking or stalking. Hey, I've googled my name, my husband's name, my daughter's name. So I guess it is no big deal like you say, but again it is "my T's" personal info and I'm just feelin bad. As if I don't have enough to deal with, eh?
JM

Oh. I guess that'd make me feel a bit uncomfortable, too. Like the thing with AG and the open line on the phone.

I guess... tell 'em? That's usually what folks around here say about Things That Bother you with the T. _I_ would feel weird mentioning it 'cause of the stalker thing, if it was personal info, but... Surely they get that from time to time, whether it be an open phone line, or running into them in a store while they're buying underwear, or...or...somethin'.

I think you should tell her, especially since she's technologically challenged.

I have a facebook account and one day I used the feature that finds friends using your email contacts. Lo and behold, there was my son's T's facebook page. She didn't have any security settings so I was able to go to her page and see all the info that was there. Pics of her kids, where she went to school, the year she graduated, and I was able to see all of her Facebook friends, which included other family members. I could see the list of books she's read, what her favorite things were, everything she had on her facebook page.

I requested her as a friend and she accepted. (This was before full-blown transferrence hit, by the way, but not too much before.) The next session, I told her I was able to see everything before she accepted me as a friend. I told her because she had mentioned that sometimes she has to go to court for abuse cases, and parents can get pretty upset, and that she has been threatened. I thought she needed to know I could see everything, because all an angry parent needed to do was google her name and her Facebook page might come up, and they could see everything. I also told her I found her by doing the email contact feature.

That night, she changed her settings and changed her facebook email info to her personal email so no one else would be able to do that.

I feel like I did her a favor, I felt guilty when I found her but it was really innocent the way it happened. I think you'd be doing your T a favor to if you told her.

OW

JM

I also have obsessively googled my T. My T is also a bit technologically challenged and I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize what you can find out there. I really believe though that if I were to tell her what I know (and it isn't that big a deal -- maybe the names of some relatives, where she went to school and stuff like that), it wouldn't phase her. She might even say that instead of going through all that trouble, I could just ask her. Not that she would share nitty gritty details, but she has shared things when she felt it related to what was going on with me. Sort of like letting me know that she has been wherever I am at that particular time. It usually helps some to know that.

Of course as you say, telling her might be as difficult as the "transference" talk. She would probably ask you why you felt the need to google her. It might give you some insight though, just as the transference thing does. What is out there, is out there and there is nothing wrong with reading it. I guess it is more important what you do with the information. Some people become stalkers. But hopefully most of us just file it away in the "I love my T" part of our brains.

You have to do what makes you feel comfortable, but I have so many other issues that I need to get up the courage to talk about, so I think I will leave this one alone.

BTW my T knows that I research EVERYTHING that we talk about, so she probably thinks I have googled her too.

PL

Hi River,
When I was initially researching her for professional reasons I came across her "home address" on a therpist referral and locator site. That was nearly 3 years ago, but I've checked it a few months ago and it is still there. I've also found out her husband and childrens names just by simply typing her name on a people search site. I did not have to pay (nor would I pay) for any of that information. I do have _some_ boundaries in this regard. I guess I am not responsible for whatever is out there, but only what I do with it, which I would never abuse that, but what if someone else did and meant her harm? So this is starting to bother my conscience for that reason too. I would be horrified if something happend to her and I could have prevented it.

BTW, I would never want to start some obsessive fury on this forum of trying to come up with personal info on our T's. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage that. That's just not healthy.

quote:

She might even say that instead of going through all that trouble, I could just ask her. Not that she would share nitty gritty details, but she has shared things when she felt it related to what was going on with me.

PL,
My T would probably soil herself if she knew her home address was out there, but anything else she might laugh and say the same thing, "Why don't you just ask?" She is not tight lipped by any means, but I have been so terrified of boundaires that I was afraid she would scourn me for asking personal questions. As if she wouldn't understand why I would be intersted.

She too relates her personal accounts if they apply to something I am going through. I don't know why I am struggling with this so much all of a sudden. But if it's bothering me I suppose I should tallk to her. I just don't want to disappoint her. Not to mention that old fear that I finally crossed the line and she will send me away After all this time??

JM,

As part of my search for a T, I Googled ALL of them. I don't think it's odd at all, even if you've been seeing your T for a long time.

Once, after relating a dream I had of my T to him, he basically told me that I was starting to wonder about him; where he lives, what his life is like, what his family is like. It's normal to want to know more and be curious about this person who is one of the most important people in your life. I they're used to this curiosity.

I don't think it's necessary to "confess" this, but if you did, I bet it wouldn't be nearly as big a deal as you might think.

Russ

AAh, googling, been there, done that, melted down, talked to T about it.

I totally get where you're coming from on the googling. I did tell my T, but I actually think it was the scariest thing I ever had to tell him (and I've said a lot of things to that man). He was really good about it, shockingly so. He told me "How could he NOT understand my need to know more about him?" The reason I finally told him was because his daughter-in-law actually maintains a blog in her daughter's name (My T's first grandchild, his oldest son's kid). She posts pictures. Then she linked to her Shutterfly account, so I got to see ALL of my T's vacation photos last year. When I told him about finding the blog and reading the whole thing although I felt like it was wrong, he told me that his son and daugter-in-law are aware that its on the web and people can see it. My favorite though was finding his wife on cruise website whose username was their last name (BTW, during the registration process they told you at least two times NOT to use your real name.) I really want to email his whole family and say "hey, he's a therapist, you want to be a little more careful with the info?"

I'm fairly web savvy and occasionally very obsessional so I know his home address, I've seen pictures of his house cause I've looked up his tax records. I know the names of everyone in the family and some of the extended family. Its scary how much is out there. But I've also found that it usually just makes it more difficult knowing.

For instance I found his wife on the cruise forum recently and in her profile she had "retired school teacher." I did already know she was a school teacher from my T. You know the first place I went. Great, she's retired, when is my T going? Now, I told my T about the googling around a year ago but since he was so mellow about it, I occasionally go out and google him but I also haven't mentioned since then that I've done any more of it. And I think I'm a little ashamed of myself for doing it. It really does feel kind of out of control.

So I totally get how you feel, but I really think your T would totally understand. I've eventually gotten most of the info from my T. He's not an open book, especially about his own emotions, but he doesn't really have a problem with you knowing stuff about him.

I posted awhile back when I told him about it and you can find that here. Struggling with Boundaries in Therapy

AG

LOL! Pretty much ditto. Except I haven't told her.

PL

quote:

He was really good about it, shockingly so. He told me "How could he NOT understand my need to know more about him?"

I HOPE and PRAY that my T will respond that calmly and warmly. She is a bit more excitable sometimes, but I know that is usually because she is deeply concerned for me and very emotive in her expressions. Sometimes I have to actually chain myself down from the winds of her reactions. (ok, not really) (ok maybe a little)

Anyway, I can't help but to fear she will terminate me because she thinks my obsessiveness has reached an unworkable limit which makes me feel like I am laying in a puddle on the floor. But I've talked with a couple of really good friends and one of whom is in therapy herself said somethig that struck a deep chord with me (my ears are still ringing) "I'm not sure how much worse it would be to lose her, then to live with a constant fear that if she only knew she would send you away."
So I guess I that speaks loudly to the fact that I have to do this and take whatever consequences there may be. Because feeling like this really STINKING STINKS! (Pardon my French because you must know that is not the words I was really thinking.)

CHange of tone: My T _just_ called me and eventhough I could not share with her the specifics over the phone I expressed my recuring fear that she will terminate me because I am a horible person. She repeated those endearing words to me again that "she will never, ever, ever, ever terminate me. Never!" I just hope she can hold herself to that promise when she learns why I feel this way. *TEARS*

To be honest I almost wish I had not opened this topic. I could hardlyu sleep last night feeling like the biggest idiot ever having exposed one of the worst mistakes I feel I have ever made that could jeopardize the most important relationship I have ever known. I will just have to hang onto her words. She also encouraged me to listen to the recording she made for me for more of a connection to her. I think I will do that.

JM

quote:

She also encouraged me to listen to the recording she made for me for more of a connection to her.

JM

She made a recording for you? I am so......... jealous! I thought I was lucky to have VM's to listen to.

From everything you have said about her, she is never going to leave you! No matter what secrets you reveal. When I told my T that there were a lot of things that I have held back from her she asked, "Well, you aren't an ax murderer are you?" And then she laughed. Point made! Even though the thought creeps into my mind from time to time, (ok, more often than that) intellectually I know she won't leave me.

I hope you can share as much as you need to, to help give yourself some relief. I KNOW she will be fine with it.

PL

JM...can I try to put a little into perspective here? So that even if the worst happened, (which it doesn't sound like it will...)

You googled her. You didn't set out to hurt someone, didn't commit a crime and lie about it, didn't break up a happy family to see them cry... and, y'know, Ts work with these folks, too. Folks who've done all these things. 'Cause they're people, and they do things they're not really deep-down happy about.

Like AG said, you sought out public information and found it. Spying in windows? Nope. Following after work? Leaving notes on cars, or doors, or whatever? Nope. Google. Public. It's only out there if you put it out there.

It does sound like you'd feel better if you told. But I'd also like to thank you for starting this thread. Looks like a lot of people have google'd their Ts!

Pl, Wynne,

You are both too kind.

Since speaking to my T I do feel more calm, but I don't know how steady that will last. However, she was very clear and convincing in her expressions. I really love that woman! (OOOPS! Should I say that out loud???)

I appreciate your perspective on this too Wynne, to state it that simplisticly makes it seem far more innocent than it _feels_ which I have to admit to a degree that it is that simple. I guess I feel like I betrayed her. I know I need to get to the bottom of these feelings and fears because I am sure that they reveal a lot more than just the persent fears. She even stated that we need to find out where this comes from and when she hears what I tell her I am sure that she will say the same thing once we discuss the painful details and her feelings about it.

Yes PL, she made 2 recordings for me prior to taking a 3 week vacation. (Ok 2 weeks but it would end up being 3 weeks before I would actually see he again between sessions.) Let's just say I had a meltdown because she was not going to be available even for phone calls during those three weeks. So I went right out and bought a voice recorder and she made 2 recordings of what is called"safe space imagery" that helps with stablization and self-soothing and I still use it. I also record my sessions now and find that helpful not only to recall information that I may not have absorbed in session, but to listen to her voice and the manner in which she does express herself to me. It's very comforting.

She just bought her own voice recorder so she can record and download on her computer and make cd's for her other clients. I think this is a nice touch she provides.

Anyway, technically Wynne, I _was_ "spying in windows"...but just computer windows.

You ALL provide so much relief to me.

quote:

BTW, I would never want to start some obsessive fury on this forum of trying to come up with personal info on our T's. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage that. That's just not healthy.

I regret if my silly question made anyone uncomfortable so I went ahead and deleted my post. I of course don't want to encourage anyone to do anything unhealthy - I just wasn't thinking it through I guess.

quote:

BTW, I would never want to start some obsessive fury on this forum of trying to come up with personal info on our T's. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage that. That's just not healthy.

S'a good point.

HB,
That was incredibly insightful and will have me thinking for a while. I've never thought of that way but it rings very true. I was just talking to my T yesterday about wanting more than I can have in the relationship, that although the emotional intimacy is deepening and the I kow I can trust the relationship now, the boundaries still remain in place, that no matter how I feel it will always remain a theraputic relationship. Which is exactly what's keeping me safe and able to explore my feelings and relational patterns but also triggers the incredible pain around wanting to be cared and loved for when I was a child and not getting it. We talked about the fact that in life you will often experience being attracted to people who you can't have due to circumstances, or lack of repricocity and you have to learn to accept that but it becomes so problematic because of what it triggers for me. So the frustration of not being able to have what I want from my T provides the opportunity to feel and heal that longing.

My point, and despite appearances I have one, is that being able to accept that no is sometimes the answer is the task of learning to balance our needs against someone elses. If I fall in love with someone who doesn't return the feelings, no matter how strongly I feel, I don't have the right to expect them to have a relationship despite their feelings.

Hmmm, I feel like Pooh Bear, ***think, think, think *** Thanks.

AG

quote:

I regret if my silly question made anyone uncomfortable so I went ahead and deleted my post. I of course don't want to encourage anyone to do anything unhealthy - I just wasn't thinking it through I guess.

River,
You didn't encourage anything unhealthy. Please don't think your post was silly of wrong in anyway. I was worried about how I made others feel by posting this in the first place. I ran a whole gamut of emotions that night and I was not in a good place and worried way too much.

My remarks had nothing to do with your post. In fact what you said about that other website helped me to realize that others may be inclined to get carried away with some sort of competition or frenzy on who can find out more about their T or encourage others to google. I did not want to create that here where I think we take a far more balanced approach than what you described from the toher site. I didn't get the idea you were suggesting that here either.

When I came to my senses a little more yesterday I was relieved that didn't happen and as usual most of us here are balanced and will stay balanced. Nothing you said indicated otherwise. Does this make sense?

I am sorry you deleted your post, but more sorry you felt responsible like that.
JM

JM -

No worries. I just wasn't sure how to take what you wrote and I figured better safe than sorry since I could tell how much you were really struggling with all of this which is why it was perfectly understandable and acceptable that you brought up this topic in the first place. It is a risky bit of self-disclosure that I haven't done with my T myself. I haven't felt the pressure you did but I also am not worried for her safety. If I was I probably would have felt the same as you.

You are very thoughtful River, but just to reaffirm, I had no problem or discomfort with what you had posted before.

Well, I have made the decision to tell my T and yes, I do think this will be harder than the transference talk because it is a boundary violation and we all know what boundary violations feel like to us. My appointment is Wed morning and I hope she does not decide to terminate me. But those words from my friend still echoe their truthfulness in my ear. I know I can't live with the guilt anymore either. I don't know where these horrible emotions are coming from and I am sure this sounds so far fetched to some of you, but I have to give them their due exposure. I am experiencing a lot of weird stuff coming through my emotions today. Earlier today I was lying in my bed crying and vocalizing stuff that seemed to make no sense to me, but I was acting as if I was talking to my T. I guess I am really stressed out and experiencing an age regression or something. I just don't know. Does that make any sense?(I ask that a lot lately don't I) I am really tired. Maybe a good nights sleep will help. I just want this to be behind me and have my T reassure me and forgive me.
JM

I googled my T and my Dr. Just to find out more about their credentials. It felt sort of weird at first but I wanted to know who these people were that were going to be looking into my health, both mentally and physically.

My T found out when I she quoted me her price and I said that her web page had a different price. Felt like a real stocker. We laughed about it and all is good.

At one point I wanted to know more, and sometimes I still think I want to know more, but the connection we have now would not be the same. Maybe there is something in her personal life that I would find weird or not resonate with me. I think our connection is good as it stands. She gives me 100% of what I need where as in real life she may not be able to.

Kats