Hi! I am rather new here, first post, actually, though I've been lurking for a little while. I am so thrilled I stumbled upon this site! It has been a goldmine of information, reassurance, and hope for me! I think I have read just about every post from the last two years and found such comfort in knowing I am not alone in my mixed-up mind!

Anyway, I hadn't planned on posting anything, as I'm enjoying learning by lurking, but I think I just really F'd up something big time... And while none of you know me yet (though I feel like I know many of you) I'm hoping you'll be open to offering some insight.

I've been back in therapy for two months, going twice a week, with a fantastic T that my doc recommended. She is the best that I have worked with (which says a lot.) I really connected with her much faster than I expected, and found that trusting her was surprisingly easy, despite my major trust issues. Anyway, she's out of town for a week, and in my worry about making it while she's away (last time she was away it was really hard for me to function outside of work, which kept me busy during the day) I did something really dumb.

I went on an innocent google quest to see if I needed to clean anything up about me (I google my name every few months to make sure nothing is out there that I don't want out there!) That was my only plan - to clean up my name - totally innocent. However, when I stumbled on a site that did list a lot of my info (which I immediately emailed them asking to be removed from their database) On a whim, I decided to search my T on that site. My previous google searches for her were unsuccessful, so I didn't expect much.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. She had a listing under her full name (she practices under her maiden name, which I didn't realize until now.) To make a long story short, I used that information to search facebook, found the profile of her son and husband, neither of which were set on high privacy standards, which led me to find a picture of her. As I'm still having trouble, even after 2 months of sessions, holding on to a mental image of her, I was both thrilled and terrified. Thrilled I'd found a picture to help me get that mental image, but terrified at the breach that I had done.

I am so frustrated with myself for doing this. It is the roundabout, sneaky way to get a picture of her and learn more about who she is. I got the picture in such a wrong, bad, stupid, dishonest, sneaky, sly, deceitful, shameful way. (by the way, no other information was learned - just the picture retrieval.) She holds strong boundaries - no emails, texts, etc - so I know the only way to deal with this will be in session. (And even thinking about that makes me hyperventilate.)

I have no idea what to do. I feel like I should totally fess up to her - that is the right thing to do. But I feel like our journey together is still too new to screw up that much - she could easily get frustrated with a client she can't trust and terminate. I do NOT want that to happen. Ironically, I did this on the eve of a session where she reminded me that we are in no rush with our work together, as early termination is a big fear of mine.

I have a whole week before my next session, which feels like forever right now, but when it arrives, I know that I'll totally freak out because of what I did tonight.

Well, nothing like jumping into the deep end of the pool for my first post... If you've read this far and have any ideas, thank you!