)So my mind is spinning again as usual, but on a more positive note this time, thank goodness! Here's the issue(s): In my big disclosure session where I read the 3-page letter to my T a couple sessions ago, my biggest fear was telling her about my Googling activity. Unfortunately it didn't get put out there like it needed to be (because I was literally terrified of what I feared her reaction would be) and all I really said was that I had searched stuff about her on the internet. She didn't react to it, and asked me nothing about it. I figured she must not have cared, so I "dropped it". Yeah, right. My mind doesn't know how to drop anything!!! She now knows that I know where she lives, and she knows that I have not driven by her home and that I don't intend to, and she seems okay with it, as she mentioned last session that if I needed to talk to her about an issue between sessions and she didn't have time while she was at the office, she would call me to discuss it during her 30 min. drive home to "_______". I feel like she is trusting me more or maybe feels like she knows me better now that I've opened up to her and been willing to be seen by her and been honest with my fears and feelings the last two sessions, despite my fears and the anxiety I've had. I'm in a much better place with her. However, I'm still stuck with the deep internal fear that was created from her withdrawn and fearful reaction to me telling her I was attached to her back in December, and the fact that she "doesn't remember" her reaction.
Seablue told me I need to keep bringing it up with her because it's coming from somewhere (me/her/combination of both of us?) and I agree. Until I resolve this I'm going to keep slamming into it on a daily basis, and it won't leave me alone. Until it gets resolved I don't feel I can actually be totally free with her, and I want to be free to be open. I want to trust her and not sit opposite her in fear of having to hold back my feelings and my responses to her questions because I worry that what I say will trigger her and will bring another response of rejection or cause her to withdraw from me again. I believe that if I get another response from her like that, I will literally fall apart. 
In all reality, I think that admitting to her that I know her children's names, their spouses' names, where they all live, some of her grandchildren's names, where she grew up, her siblings' names, her parents' names, some of the places she has lived around the country as her husband went from job to job, etc., is going to be enough to literally freak her out and make her consider transferring me.
In my letter I didn't actually tell her I had found out any information. All I actually said was that I had searched for information about her online. I don't think she feels threatened by my doing that searching because if you just simply put her name into the Google search box it doesn't bring up a whole lot of stuff on her, just professional stuff. I started into the personal stuff through sites like Intelius, where they give names of relatives. The scary part that I didn't want to tell her is that the information I have on her is stuff I came up with through some serious sleuthing. It's all 'legal' public info, although I admit that I did have to be a little sneaky through facebook and such. I think she feels safe on the internet and would be alarmed to know that there are ways that clients can find out who her kids are, see photos of them, and then get past the kids facebook photos to see what theirkids photos look like, etc. I know if I were in her profession, I would feel a bit threatened. Especially if I didn't know the person across from me enough to know their intentions, why they were doing this, etc. So I'm wondering how to approach her on this. I know I HAVE to do it (because my mind won't let it go), but HOW is the question. When I went in last session, it was like I walked into a different office. I recognize now that it is the same office it was at our first session, I have just been in a protective bubble since that first session because she reacted negatively to me (or so I perceived) and I've been in self-protection mode, but I'm starting to come out of it as I've begun to open up and feel safer with her. She has a beautiful large stained glass piece of artwork hanging in front of one of her windows right above the couch I sit on that I had not really been aware of before; beautiful silk flowers in a vase I hadn't really noticed much before. Then I saw two pictures of her grandkids (whose names I now know) and they triggered the memory that I had seen those photos there before at that first session and I was so embarrassed that I knew their names, and how would my T feel if she knew that I knew those kids names, and their parents' names?!? That just sent me spinning. UGH!! I hate this attachment crap!
I have learned so much from this experience, and wish I had realized the importance of boundaries and how I could have spared myself all of this angst and grief and misery and anxiety and fear and lack of trust and blah, blah, blah!!! Never again will I go searching for stuff on a T. NEVER!!! I feel it has been damaging to how I view my T in some ways and messed with my head a lot. Have I gone too far with this stuff? Does knowing these things create such a breach in the therapeutic relationship that true healing can't really happen? Can I get past the fear of my T's reaction to me and what it means about the future of our relationship? I really want to get this resolved but I'm so scared that revealing this stuff to her will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and that she won't be asking me if I want her to transfer me to another therapist, she'll be telling me she HAS TO transfer me.
I'm so scared...MTF
) and keeps pictures of grandchildren in his office and is open about where he's going on vacations and that kind of thing BUT I do know a fair amount of stuff. I have talked to him about it (as a matter of fact if you to the beginning of the 
Thanks for sharing!
Not something I would wish on anyone!! Same goes for you, Starfish!!
