Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
17 replies

Big Puke

blackbirdblackbirdMember
Blech. I am just so totally confused about who the heck I am. I can't email my T anymore...he stated that he doesn't want to talk on email anymore as it is "too easy for you to read rejection into the written word." Ok, T. Change the rules. I know I emailed him too mcuh, and that it wasn't helpful *for me* Roll Eyes in the long run- most likely. But I'm feeling really dissassociated from my life, kids, feelings...whatever.

My mom *called me.* hh?? Like it was the most perfectly normal and natural thing. why, since summer visit I called her sent her flowers for her birthday, etc...suddenly she calls me out of the blue and it's like..."why havn't you called?" I'm sooo confused right now. Is everything really that normal? Am I just making our lack of relationship and screwt problems up? I feel like I am the worlds biggest liar/creep. Oh, if I tried to explain it would be the post from hell.

Then, SD, is helping me...gosh weird. T won't let me email anymore, and now SD suddenly starts emailing *me* and letting me email him about spiritual difficulties about a conversion to eastern christian spirituality/liturgy within my faith I am having...I must be making this happen, just to get attention...? ohhh. I'm bad. I'm just so confused. Why do I look for love in all the wrong places? Why not just look for it with my husband? Why don't I want it from him, but from other, stronger men? What is my problem?? Now, one of my best friends is saying strange things to me, about how he "feels." And this guy doesn't "feel." And I hate myself for liking the attention. I don't even know what is wrong. That's the worst part.

Life has passed me by. I'm feeling really ashamed, CREEPY. I feel like I'm the worlds biggest creepoid. I don't know what I'm trying to explain. I don't see T until after Christmas. ohhh, do I want to? I'm realising lately that I am completely in love with him, dear old man T.
Frowner What is the point of that? Is there God in any of this therapy? I need to pray more.

Sorry, for the massive puke...I didn't know what to say, where...been in a weirdish place...

Then, SD invites our family, me, my kids and husband, for Christmas eve at his place. I can't explain except to say, that because of the cultural/spiritual significance of the day, it is entirely appropriate and kind, a "teaching" venue. We are no the only family invited. He will be teaching us about the cultural/spiritual significance of that day. But, I'm still freaked out. I don't know how to separate the emotional significance of this from what it is, an offer of kindness to a family without family... I keep thinking it means more than it does, and I don't know how to stop! I want to accept an offer made in charity and not turn it away...but I'm also so afraid, about the boundary thing. He really seems able to hold boundaries all while being all pedantic and welcoming and removed and kind...somehow he manages all of that-...but I'm still freaked. He knows so many things about me that nobody else knows.... it's just hard.

And really I just miss my T. I wish I could talk to him tell him *all*, be with him, see his face. Hear what he has to say, mostly, that would be so nice.

Who am I... I just feel so alone, lost. We put the tree up tonight...weird feelings, I ended up with a big grieving cry after my kids fell asleep. Strange. My h is such a kid... idk. I'm just confused. sorry for the ramble...

BB
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

beaglemumbeaglemumMember
My dear (((BB)))
You are sure going through a lot of **stuff** at the moment Eeker I truly wish I could be of help but I'm not thinking of anything really constructive Frowner You know I wouldn't offend you or anyone on this forum but while I've learned so much from this forum and related to situations that have given me a voice almost and insights, sometimes I've noticed that the more I read the more I can get caught up and ascribe **symptoms** to myself that, in truth, aren't truly relevant Roll Eyes Sometimes we're so busy analysing and trying to figure ourselves and relationships out we can create a bigger tangle Wink Having said that, which may or may not be relevant, I'm thinking of you kindly and will try to keep in touch more when I feel better Big Grin
Love
Morgs
starfishstarfishMember
Beebers

I'm really sorry that you feel you're really creepy...I too am not sure why you feel that way, but can imagine how horrible that must make you feel. And I think that there IS God in your therapy, there has always been God there, when you talk about any of your stuff BB, it is really evident. But sometimes God is with us and we simply don't realise it ...maybe as in the 'Footprints' verse, in the times when we have to be carried as things feel so utterly dreadful.

And I understand the Christmas difficulties for you too. Christmas can feel a bittersweet time can't it? So you can out up the tree and it can be wonderful, yet feel incredibly sad at the same time. Were you able to talk to H about how you both felt? I do hope there was some relief from your grieving cry though ((((BB))))

starfish
jonesjonesMember
Dear BB,

Poor wee feathers...I'm so sorry you're in this state - you just sound like you've been through this awful, endless storm, and you've landed somewhere for the moment in the dark with your feathers all bedraggled and blown round the wrong way and you've no idea where you are.

Lately when I read your posts I just want to ask you to look and see if there's *any* way you can get more regular sessions with your T. I know, I know, the money.... But is there *any* way? Seems to me like things are feeling harder and harder for you - is that right? - and I feel concerned.

Also, what is your med situation? Did you decide to try some, or no? I hope it's ok to ask. If meds are a part of the picture I figure it's always worth checking them.

I'm glad your T doesn't want you to feel rejected by him - he really doesn't, I'm sure. Sounds like he wants to keep you safe. And I'm glad your SD is reaching out to you. I guess I'm even glad your mom was thinking of you to call. But each of these things is confusing - it must be very, very difficult to sort the good from the bad.

I've been in that emailing situation and lost it too. I know how much I depended on that writing process to order my thoughts. It's a big deal to lose it, I know. I'm sorry, dear Beebs.

love,
Jones
blackbirdblackbirdMember
thnks for understanding, you guys. I'm just really confused. I feel like I'm making everything up. Like *there is no problem* and I'm just creating problems. And that is the source of the creepy feelings.

It's ok, about asking about meds, yeah, I guess I should look into that.

Morgs you're probably right. thanks for your thoughts.

DF, Smiley and Starfish- thanks for your thoughts. I'm really literally puking today, so I'm not gonna write more. Just wnated to say hi, thanks loads,

BB
frogfrogMember
oh Beebs... Be well and go gentle with yourself. I fully understnad that you feel confused and in conflict about the christmas-invitation, indeed that must feels like a loaded setting- to spend the chistmas with SD.. Even though he sound wonderful and manage the dintinguish-work in a very profesional manner, its deffinitfly a loaded setting for YOU. This aint "making up" problems at all. Thinking of you. (((beebs)))
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
Oh (((Beebs))) I am so sorry - it appears I've offended you after all Frowner I should never have got out of bed yesterday coz everything I touch turned to crap Frowner Please accept my apology? You write everything you're going through so well I really think you should post an urgent letter to your T, so he can read it before your next session or email him with a request to not respond until your session (given the new rule!!).
Again ((BB)) so sorry Frowner
Love Morgs
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
(((Beebs)))

I am sorry things are so difficult right now and you are struggling to understand the feelings you are having. I'm sorry that you've lost the email contact with your T. I'm sure that is really hard. Anyway, I wish I could say more to help you, but know you are being thought of.

One thing that I wanted to add. Just because you can't yet identify the source of your feelings doesn't mean that you are making things up or that they aren't real. It just means that you don't have all of the pieces yet.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
First off, Morgs, you haven't offended me, it is something I'm aware of and have often thought of, so a little warning is not taken badly by me! Big hugs for you...don't worry.

I'm so grateful to you all for the support, but I really do feel a bit bedraggled and can't really offer much of anything except a great big thank you. The real issue is that I'm missing my T, and even though I will see him in a couple weeks time, I'm still just hurting badly about him again, lately. Also fightitne the impulse to just shut those feelings down, it would be so easy to do since I can't ever have what I need from him, which is really just, love. Frowner But I'm missing him.

STRMS, thank you for this:
quote:
Just because you can't yet identify the source of your feelings doesn't mean that you are making things up or that they aren't real. It just means that you don't have all of the pieces yet.



It's hard for me to understand what the heck my problem is. I *really don't* have the worst foo problems, I have a nice husband cute kids, warn house. Why am I so sad so much of the time? Oh well.

with gratitude,

BB
J janedoeMember
(((((bb)))))

I think you are dealing with a lot of stuff that is not easy... and, I'm not quite sure what it is like for you, but for me, my biggest tears often come in moments when a bit of kindness or connection does - it's like the deeper longings to be loved and comforted in such deep ways, are stirred up. They are not quite met, just stirred. It's like I get warmmed up just enough to feel the cold. (If that makes no sense - just disregard.)

If just having good stuff and good people in our lives was enough to be happy, a lot of famous/rich people would not be in and out of rehab. The world is broken and so are we...

Being vulnerable enough to miss your T shows real strength in you. Keep fighting the good fight to live out of your heart and feel and discover who you were created to be. If you do end up shutting down, that's ok too. This may sound weird, but there cane be value in that too...

My eq T is always telling me to stop judging myself so much for feeling so crummy in spite of all I have to be glad for in my life - and right now, it sounds like maybe you are judging yourself just for feeling crummy and sad. I'm longing to encourage you the same (which is kind of hypocrictial because I hardly am non-judgemental with my own self! I just get frustrated for not doing better.)

I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling lost and in a weird place. I hope it lifts soon and I hope in the meantime, you find some relief and space to be kind to you. hang in there.

many hugs,
~ jane
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thanks JD...I just am feeling like I'm making a bunch of muck up, trying to feel sorry for myself, wallowing in my misery instead of getting on with it. It's kind of a creepy feelings, like I'm a big, liar, jerk. I can't really explain. So then when my mom calls and ascts all normal, like everything is fine...I just get confused, I thin even more that I'm making it all up, and it's all my fault. Its hard to expalin.

But, just so's everyone know, I am just trying to rest a bit from forum life lately, and not because of anyone- but just because of me. Please, *if* I am not around or don't reply right away, it's not because of you- it's just me, the place I am in, and has nothing to do with you. I'm just missing my T and I'm feeling kind of fuzzy and disconnected.

Much love to *all* of you,

BB
marshmarshMember
Awwww BB, It really saddens me to see you put yourself down like this. You may feel creepy but in reality you are not and never will be creepy. Not a sweet and caring person like you are!

I am sorry it is so hard for you currently. Then to lose your e-mailing privledge to your T would send anyone into a spin after being use to doing it.

I hope you will accept your SD's invitation, I think it would be good for you. I can understand that the phone call from your Mom, sent you into a spin. But hopefully this too shall pass.

As STRM stated:
quote:
Just because you can't yet identify the source of your feelings doesn't mean that you are making things up or that they aren't real. It just means that you don't have all of the pieces yet.


I have to say Ditto to her statement above.
BB, you are not a jerk nor are you a liar! Just give it time, the pieces will come.

Love and hugs to you (((((((((BB))))))))
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thank you so much Marsh. I really appreciate your kind words. I feel very blessed to have all of you, kind forum friends.

I'm just struggling because I am not sure about those "pieces." What pieces, I guess is my big question.. I don't have any horrific memories, I really don't. My past wasn't terrific, I dealt with a lot of neglect and mostly emotional abuse, combined with some kind of weird thing that I can't explain. It's the whole "it could have been worse" scenario. Only in my case, it really could have been a LOT worse. Yeah, I'm struggling with feeling that what I dealt with growing up gives me any kind of a "right" to be in T. Or to be on this forum. I *know* it's illogical, but I can't put into words- it's like I alsmost *want* things to be bad in my past, so that I will have something to justify my scewed-upness, otherwise it's like I think it's all my fault, and that is just too horrible for me to handle...the thought that it could just be me, that everything was fine and dandy, and *I'm* to blame for just *being* disconnected, uncaring, removed, self-isolating, selfish, etc, etc. ohhh, I don't know how to make sense. It's like my sense of myself as a decent person is directly tied into whether or not I had a crap childhood. Gosh how screwy is that?

Ok, I know people say here that I beat myself up too much. It doesn't really feel that way though. It just feels...honest.

Anyway, I really have to go, I meant to just say quickly thanks, Marsh, and also hello.

Love,

BB
J janedoeMember
(((BB)))

just wanted to pass on AG's post in another forum that seems to maybe apply a little bit here (and if not, just ignore me)

I don't think you are creepy or screwy. You sound normal, ok, totally ok to be feeling and struggling like you are. Oh, I don't know how to explain too well tonight.

this might be a little challenging to say - or come across the wrong way. And if it does, please forgive me and disregard my response.

What if i play "devil's advocate" for a minute? what if you are to "blame" for being disconnected? (I so disaree with this - blame just doesn't even fit with how i see this)

but - let's take what you are afraid of - that this is somehow your fault? (again, I dont think it is) but if it was - that can change too. that can heal too. that can be redeemed too. AND it does NOT make you any worse of a person if that was true. Even if that was true, and I would even say *especially* if that was true, you are still an amazing, authentic, kind and wonderful person. You are not screwy. and you deserve to be in T to work on this, to received comfort and help and guidence.

some of my struggle is based on stuff I went through, and some of it is just things I am weak in - things that are my own doing. But would you say that makes me screwy? or that I don't have a right to be in T to learn how to deal with my stuff? - my stuff that is from stuff I have been thorugh and my stuff that is just bad habits and just things about me that are not great and I want to improve on?

You do seem so harsh on yourself. (I hope you can offer yourself some of the grace and kindness I see you give to so many.) T here is Love greater than any mucked up things any of us can do - regardless if our battles from from past taumas or just life.

I hope you find rest and recover from feeling sick and some space to be kind to you.

so sorry you are missing your T too...

many hugs sweetie,
~jane

p.s. no pressure or need to respond unless you want to - but it's really ok if you don't. just keep taking care of you. Hope you feel better soon!

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×