I feel like I opened a can of worms with T tonight. It's probably silly really. I get very insecure talking about my feelings as they all seem so jumbled lately. I struggle to find the words, mumble incoherently, and shut down when I'd really rather talk about them.
The thing is, I keep feeling like I need a catalyst. I feel like I need something from her to help push me forward and get me talking. There's just something about her sitting there waiting. She's waiting for me to perform. Waiting for me to begin. And it's hard because I start to feel so very nervous. I know I need to start digging in more and letting go.
I just feel so silly after this last session. I opened up just a teeny tiny bit and only at the very literal last minute of the session. I told her I didn't try to but that I love her. She already knew that from reading some of my posts I shared with her, but I have trouble verbally expressing myself and I always feel like there's no way I can deny it if I say it. At least the written words I can pretend not knowing where on earth they came from.
But during the session I got very emotional and weepy. Afterward, I was weepy all night. I was walking around the store later randomly crying. Crying at home and in the car. I think my emotions are all running amuck and this is actually not a good place to be in right now. I'm not normally weepy. And I can't pin down why I am. It was nothing she did. But talking about my feelings gets me into a weird zone and I don't know how to deal with them so I try to keep them suppressed. And I didn't do a good job suppressing them and now I've peeled back the top to that can of worms...
When we were talking about my love for her, she said something about my loving people in general. I'm having a hard time remembering details but I remember thinking that how I love her differently from others because my perceptions of her are all off. And worrying that my love is somehow "fake" and yet still causing me so much weepiness. Sadly, even though I KNOW my perception are all off, she is like harmony to me.
The more I think about this maternal transference the more it troubles me. I want real, regular feelings. Not ones that were supposed to be for my birth mom but are now displaced. I wanna love T cause she's a nice person and a good T. Not because I wish she were my mommy. That's what hurts. It's a love that isn't even a regular love and then one that can't be reciprocated ever because she can't ever be my mom.
GAH! What am I doing to myself....
Damned worms and their pesky cans....
Original Post
and saying there were some things on the list which I identified with in wanting from her. It was a good chat, Forlorn, not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. She didn't make me feel silly, she made it seem normal, logical, expected, and OK that I would have all the maternal attachment stuff going on. I probably need to talk about it with her again when I am bold enough to own ALL my own wants specifically. But I did admit to her two things: (1) that I wanted more than you did when it comes to a T admitting love, that I absolutely DID want her to love me like a daughter. 
She just chuckled because we've talking about that before. (2) I also admitted I have imagined curling up next to her for story time. Although "If You Give a Pig a Pancake" is not my favorite story, I do share that same fantasy with you. 
). Sometime in the future, when you feel safe enough to risk more.
