I know what you are talking about all to well. I will see my T tomorrow (because he is just that awesome to see me on Christmas Eve) and I'm seriously thinking about bringing a game to play or something so that I don't end up in a state like that. It ALWAYS seems to happen - I think it's our subconscious plotting against us ...

On a more positive note, it does sound like you got some really good stuff out! I hope you are able to pick up on that after the holidays and make some good progress.

Yeah, we have to survive the wonderful festive season.
You better off then me - I'm seeing my T on the 11 (3 weeks time).
Maybe however shitty it felt, that session was really good for you, cause all the creying came out insted of being stuck in there for two weeks. I wish I could have a shitty session like that which would send me a step further and closer to my T.
I was hoping to get something out of my session, but I'm shutting down completely. Again I give him hints and tips so hopefully he will think, do something. I asked him if he ould push me somehow. Very often during the session I feel nothing. I look at him almost emotionless, although I love him very much. I would love to burst out with emotions the way you did, even if it was so difficult.

Hey CT

I think I've talked to you enough to be able to say that I think you are a fabulous person and very brave. You have taught so many people here so many things .. me especially! You shouldn't feel 'less than' anyone, regardless of the age group.

I'm sorry that your last session wasn't ideal, but like the others (and yourself) have said; you learned something from this session and that is the whole purpose of the journey. I wish I had gotten to the point where I could have shared any feeling with my P, let alone cry with her - maybe if I was strong enough to go 'there' she would still be my Dr.

I think it is truly awesome that your T is able to let you know how much she cares about you - that in itself is a special gift.

You'll have some time to process this before your next session and you'll have a whole new branch to crawl out onto .. just think of the healing that could begin to take place.

I agree with you about the Holidays sucking however The best part is not having to go to school for a couple of weeks. Be well CT and know that there are people out here who think you are great!

Merry Christmas to you and your hubby

Holz

CT, thanks for writing up this experience. It sounds awful, like you touched on the core of something really important at just the wrong time. The resilience at the end of this post comes through really strongly... I hope that that just keeps on unfolding in you over the break.

Hi CT yep they sure do suck!!!

You know, from what happened at your last session, the thing that inspired me most about you is how you were able to ring her and write/fax her afterwards. You are amazing. Being able to communicate your emotions even though you were in so much pain shows your strength and spirit.

Thank you for being an inspiration and I hope you are doing ok today.

Hi Everybody, thanks so much for all of your responses. I hope your holidays haven't been sucking TOO much and that everyone is coping safely without their t's/p's.

I for one had an awful trip over Christmas... went to see family in Oklahoma (i live in Texas) and we got caught in a FREAKING BLIZZARD. A blizzard? In Oklahoma? I'm not even kidding! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THAT SHIT! I'm from T-E-X-A-S... 50 degress (F) is cold for me! Anyway, it was a nightmare... our 5 hour trip turned into 9.5 hours... 2 of which were spent PARKED in the middle of a highway... FYI- I almost peed in the middle of the highway, but I managed to hold it... the fear of my BUM tuching the snow gave me the strength to keep my legs squeezed TIGHT!

Heather-

quote:

I know what you are talking about all to well. I will see my T tomorrow (because he is just that awesome to see me on Christmas Eve) and I'm seriously thinking about bringing a game to play or something so that I don't end up in a state like that.

FANTASTIC IDEA!! Hmmmm what game to bring... Guess Who? or maybe LIFE? or Twister? hehe Seriously though, how'd it end up?

Amazon- I think you're right about not stuffing down the crying for another 2 weeks... but it was exhausting. How are you holding up?

Holz- Thanks. I usually don't see that I've "taught" anyone here anything... and btw, I think it's a GOOD THING that your old P isn't your Dr. anymore. I know it hurts but long term, I think you're moving in the right direction.

HB-

quote:

The tears are hopefully the first step in loosening the death grip you have on yourself. If you give yourself a chance, you will begin to see the precious person that many of us here got to know a while back. And i can tell you now, she is worth getting to know. Please give yourself a chance, you have so much to give and offer and share and you are greatly valued and enjoyed.

No wonder you cried so much, i would to if i was as awful to myself as you have been to yourself. At the end of the day, you are all you have got and how you treat yourself is the most important thing.

So yes, i hope you have a happy holiday and that you discover at least 25 wonderful things about yourself in the next few days. Imagine how differently you would feel about everything with a list of your good points to guide and sustain you when everyone else lets you down.

GULP. Ummm 25 things? That's a lot. I don't think I can manage one. I don't know how to "give myself a chance." And this death grip is the only way I know how to operate... it's where I get motivation from. i guess the way I see it is the reason I am so inept and in need of therapy is BECAUSE I only have me to rely on and I keep letting myself down... idk if that makes sense...

Jones and Halo... thanks for your words of encouragement. I think this is a core issue too.

I really have been missing my t alot. I called her tonight even though she is on vacation until the 4th. i just told her that I miss her and for a moment this afternoon, I got excited cuz I thought I'd get to see her tomorrow (my regular day) but then I got all disappointed again because I realized she's gone. I told her that I miss her and I know she won't call me back right now but i just wanted to say hi.

I feel like a nerd now... feel stupid for calling, but it's almost like I just needed to be sure that she'd think of me at least ONCE over the break... kinda like I wanted to force myself into her head... I wanna skip work and life and just go sit outside her office until she comes back next week... I think I'm a WEEEEEE bit attached, huh?

I've been really emotional since my last session... broken down crying twice in the last week and just very easily overwhelmed (well, the blizzard/near-death experience was worthy of a breakdown IMO... stupid fluffy white cold shit). But I'm just ready for a session. i have so much I need to process and I just feel like everything is on hold.... i wanna call every ten minutes and be like "are you back yet?" "are you back yet?"... it's like I can't feel if she's not within city limits or something....

All for now....
-CT

quote:

FANTASTIC IDEA!! Hmmmm what game to bring... Guess Who? or maybe LIFE? or Twister? hehe Seriously though, how'd it end up?

Twister, oh dear, that wouldn't trigger those pesky erotic thoughts and feelings I was thinking about Settlers of Catan or Mille Bornes.

I ended up having something I wanted to talk about, so I didn't bring a game. I had a really nice session though, curled up with my head on his shoulder the entire time, rambling aimlessly

I am totally going to bring a game one day though, I'll let you all know what happens when I do!

CT... I'm sorry that somehow I missed this thread. I'm glad you are safe and out of the snow now. On a side note, I once spent 11 hours stuck on a bus in a raging blizzard on a highway just outside of NYC!! I was finally rescued by a friend's bro in law who had a 4 wheel drive and was out looking for us. This was pre-cell phone days and he had to stop at each stranded bus on the highway and yell for us. I'll never forget him. It was harrowing and I'm used to snow living in the northeast, so I feel for you.

That said, I know how hard it is when your T is away. I've been in a pretty awful place since Christmas with my T gone. I think you are very brave to call your T. I'm sitting here agonizing over whether I should email my T because I miss him so damn much. I'm not even sure I'm "allowed" to feel this way. I feel angry that I miss him and that I need contact with him. I feel pathetic.

I'm glad you were able to finally let loose those tears that have been bottled up inside of you. This will make room for you to take in other things. I think you have finally begun to mourn and grieve those old deep hurts. They need to be honored with a time of mourning and recognition so you can finally move on and away from them. I know how hard it is to have to leave a T when you are in a state like that. And I'm very familiar with the fear that once I start crying I will drown both of us and be unable to stop and go back to the real world.

I can see real growth in the way you have handled this. That you were able to fax her and tell her more about what was happening with you that day, about the old hurts from the past. You have really been open with her and this is a really good direction you are going in. I know how it sucks that all of this is now on hold. I feel the same way. My T and I had been doing a lot of work and we were so attuned lately that I feel like we have lost this now that he is away and he has totally forgotten about me. It's a hard feeling to sit with so I'm doing my ignoring the feelings thing. I'm still not ready to really look at why I'm feeling like this.

I wanna skip life too and sit outside his office until he comes back next week. I so get where you are coming from.

All I can say is that posting here has helped somewhat. It's a place for the feelings and emotions to go. So keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

TN

CT,

Just wanted to say I know how you feel about everything you wrote and it is difficult and the holidays do suck. I especially know what you mean about the Oklahoma thing. I too am from Texas, down in Round Rock and we drove to Beloit Kansas for the holidays where the temp never got over 17 degrees and the windchill was -23. We drove through the blizzard in Oklahoma on Saturday on our way home. We lived in OKC for awhile and have never seen anything like it. It was crazy!

Thanks for your responses guys...

TN and Pippi- I personally think that snow is really unnecessary btw... I mean, I understand rain, but snow? really? I don't mind TEXAS snow because it doesn't stick, but that whole 'shoveling the driveway' thing is total bullshit! I stepped out of my car when we FINALLY arrived at our destination and my leg was buried to my mid-calf! WTF is that? And of course I was in tennis shoes! Anyway... I'll stick to my 110 degree days... you don't have to shovel HEAT!!!!

Luckily for you all (), weather isn't what I really came here to discuss! I came here to complain/bitch/rant about family. I mentioned earlier that I contacted my long lost aunt and uncle a few weeks before Christmas. We've been exchanging emails and stuff on Facebook, but something about the whole situation irks me a little. I don't think its necessarily a bad "irk," and normally I would just talk about it with my T... but seeing how she is currently AWOL, I shall ramble for you all instead of her!

Okay, so I contacted my uncle and his wife on Facebook. It is my mother's half-brother who I haven't seen since I was 8 or so. I contacted him because... I don't really know. I just did it one day because I didn't really have much to lose! My mother is dead (thank God) and my family is.... separated/not in touch. I only really have my father and my brother and one aunt. I've made my own family of friends and stuff, but I don't have much in the way of biological family. I told my uncle that I was contacting him because I will have my own family (kids and such) one day and I needed to know some things about my family- namely if another of my uncles and/or my grandfather was indeed a rapist/pedophile like my mother claimed. Mental illness OBVIOUSLY runs in my family, but I wanted to know how deeply and to what extent. Anyway, I told him I didn't really ever expect to hear back from him and that I may be knocking on a door he doesn't want to open and i certainly could understand that... I basically gave him ALL the reasons he needed to NOT respond to me.

Well, I had a response from him within 8 hours of my original email! 95% of me thought he'd blow me off (my mom had said that he wanted nothing to do with us)...2.5% of me thought he'd respond and tell me never talk to him again and 2.5% of thought he'd eventually respond with some lame "your mother was just a whack-job" answer. Needless to say, 0% of me considered the fact that I would have a response from him within hours, nonetheless that he would CONFIRM my mother's allegations of abuse and be very open with me about his past (he was sexually abised too). I mean, wow. I didn't see any of that coming. A family member of MINE who is willing to be HONEST and who might ACTUALLY live in reality? Pigs seriously must being flying somewhere!

Well, like I've said, I've had a series of letters back and forth with him and his wife, and have learned a lot about my mother's siblings, their past, and about my aunt and uncles current life/family. At their request, we put all talks on hold during the holidays, however, and it was a very jolting experience. All the sudden I had this FAMILY that existed and I was actually letting myself get excited about it (that is a rare emotion for me), but then, it came down to Christmas and they were like "oh, hey, we're gonna cut you off for a while and ignore you while we spend time with our REAL family." I mean, I get it, a lot of people were coming in town and all their kids were going to be there and they didn't have time for me, but still, it kinda hurt and "put me in my place" if you will. I know it wasn't personal... not exactly... but it was a big REALITY check. It's not often that I feel cared about by a family member and then it was like they said "SSSSSIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE" just as I began to trust them. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings... rejection, not-good-enough, unwanted, unimportant, etc.

And the other confusing things is that I have received one email from my uncle since Christmas... thanking me for the flowers I sent and telling me that THEIR pics were up on Facebook... which I know is him trying to include me but feels like a slap in the face... anyway, he signed that email "love ya." WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT? I've known this dude for like 3 weeks and he's busting out the LOVE business? He doesn't even really KNOW me!!! Or does he over-uses that word in general? Or maybe there's a difference between his "love you"'s and his "love ya"'s????? IDK, but that just fucked me up! I wanted to be like "yo, stranger uncle dude, you can't say that yet! didn't you read the 'getting to know a long lost relative manual'??? I don't want to be too hard on the guy, and I don't want to over analyze, but there are exactly 3 men in my life that say they love me and HE isn't one of them. I'm trying to pretend it's nothing until my t comes back from "torture-my-patients-week" but it's something!

Ugh, okay, I'm tired of ranting. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

-CT

hey CT -

I love that you can write about something so difficult and still raise a smile in so many places.

Contact with your uncle & his family sounds massive. On its own, I mean, without even taking into account all the revelations about what really went on in your family and the implications of each one.

So much going on there and I don't want to say the wrong thing about any of it.... but it would HUUUURT to let them in and then feel cut off. My guess is that he is trying to control the flow of emotions around something that's reeeally consuming so that things don't fall apart on the home front when there's all the Christmas pressure on.

But I don't even know if it's useful to offer that kind of speculation on why - the reality is that it sucks for you. I'd guess that just recognizing all those feelings is exactly the thing to do.

The "love ya".... Well, I hate to say it, but I have nieces and nephews and little cousins who I don't/haven't had that much contact with. If I didn't see any of them for 30 years, I'd still love them, cos they are part of my family, part of me. In ways that my older relatives sort of aren't. I don't feel that way about ex-uncles etc I haven't seen for 30 yrs, for example. There's something about being related to someone in their childhood - like a certain kind of love flows DOWN through the family tree - I don't know if it's supposed to be like that or what but it feels kinda natural. Like it's bound up with protective & nurturing feelings and stuff.

But that doesn't equate to you feeling comfortable or safe with that expression. You have boundaries, and probably really need to feel in control of your own flow of emotions over all this. I'm imagining how cool it would be if the relationship developed to the point where you could say, uh, I'm not ready for that yet....

it's such an interesting situation - keep posting on it?

Jones

Thanks for the response Jones. I'll keep writing on it as more develops.

For the moment though, I'm having a REALLY tough time tonight (Warning: Possible SI Trigger. Read at your own risk!!!).

I'm kinda spiraling out of control. I really feel like cutting. I'm in that "calm before the storm" period... kinda like I'm amping up and getting ready to be numb. It's been building and building and I've been trying to put it off/delay the urge/occupy myself with something else... I just don't know how to describe it though part of me really wants to do it. And I'm not going to lie, part of me really wants to do it because I know it gets to my t. It really bothers her (that I hurt myself, not that it grosses her out or anything), and it's damn near the only thing I can do that I know will get a reaction out of her. I want to go in and say "THIS is how bad I was hurting while you were on vacation."

But the other part of me wants to punish myself. I feel stupid for calling her twice while she was gone. I feel stupid that her being gone bothers me SO much. I'm angry at myself for crossing some boundaries; I'm angry that I need her; I'm angry at myself for being so weak. I just want to cut like crazy. All of my emotions are so bottled up and stifled right now- I've put everything on hold while she's been gone. It's all ready to spill out and I can't wait for my next session any more.

She did call me back today to tell me that she doesn't have an earlier appointment available and she can't offer me an extended session on Tuesday. She sounded frustrated that she had to call me back- like she was annoyed I'd called her. I hate that feeling- like I've intruded in her life simply be needing her. She doesn't really care that I've felt so awful and alone anyway. I don't mean shit to her- not really, not outside of her office, not outside of that one hour a week. I'm so upset by everything. I really just want to call and tell her to cancel my appointments because I'm not coming back. I want to tell her that I DON'T need her and that it doesn't matter to me that she doesn't care about me. I guess I really just want to be angry so that i can quit therapy and not be this dependent on anyone ever again. I want to end this relationship before she has the chance to hurt me again and again- by ignoring me, leaving me and not taking me seriously.

It might all resolve itself though... at this next session (if I don't cancel it) I plan on telling her about how I've found her daugther and other family members on facebook and looked at all there stuff/pictures. I've really invaded her privacy and betrayed her trust and I can't mentally deal with myself if I don't tell her. So, I'm planning on telling her about it and i fully expect that she'll terminate me. I mean, I know where she lives, where her family live, etc. She isn't going keep me around. Maybe I'm just getting so angry now in preparation for thie impending termination- it won't hurt so bad if I can convince myself I don't care and that she doesn't matter to me. All I know right now though is that I need to cut.

-CT

Hi CT... please don't SI. Don't hurt yourself. I know you are having the urge to do this because you think you did something wrong and want to punish yourself but you did nothing serious. Not enough to hurt yourself. If your T taught you any coping skills please use them now. I think one outlet was to post here. That was good to talk about your feelings and what is going on with you. I also know you are screaming out for your Ts help and attention. I'm sorry she has no earlier appt for you. It really sucks when they are gone. I've been whining about that for over a week now and you have been so supportive and helpful to me. It would hurt me if you hurt yourself because I care what happens to you.

So many of us are hurting on here and we support each other and we need you too. So please be kind to yourself. Go punch a pillow, eat chocolate, scream out loud, hold ice cubes in your hands, go soak in a tub and relax. Just don't hurt you. You don't deserve it.

Please let us know how you are coping. We are here for you and you can do this. You can survive your Ts absence and you can show her that you have grown and changed from knowing her. Hang in there.

Hugs,
TN

Oh CT...

gah...

don't know if you want a big ether-hug from an almost total stranger but it's here if you want one. really. I'm so sorry, that situation totally sucks fat celestial sausages of crap.

I'm SO glad you delayed cutting long enough to write - please keep delaying - is there stuff you can do to get the anger and frustration and hurt out? Run somewhere, destroy a pillow, write/paint the UGLIEST creation ever made, ring your stupid T twenty-three more times to show her, make a voodoo doll of her, make one of yourself, make one of that horrible urge to cut and slice it into miserable bleeding little slivers....

I don't know, I just think you are doing SO great by wrestling with this instead of going with it - HANG IN THERE.

AND - the pain and anger you are feeling is NOT weird or wrong or unreasonable. You HAVE opened up to her and given her so much, you DO feel dependent on her, you've got huge stuff going on inside you and it's extremely painful and difficult to have her unavailable. Even if she was pissed off at the way it's affecting you - and she may not be - she'd be wrong.

Keep posting.

((((((((CT))))))))

Like TN and Jones have said, I'm glad you posted here instead of cutting. Also I'm so glad you came out of "lurkdom" because I really enjoy reading your posts...although I'm sorry for all the pain in the more recent ones. You are so honest...you say exactly what you mean...and you do it with such flair. There could be lots of reasons why your T sounded frustrated when she called, and maybe it didn't have anything to do with you. Why would it? I don't mean any offense to anyone, but I think the patients who try to hide everything (like me) would be the ones they'd get frustrated with. At least she knows exactly what you're thinking, doesn't have to guess...and plus you have a thoroughly enjoyable (and slightly wicked ) sense of humor. What T wouldn't love you?

I know this isn't therapy related, but your feelings about the "fluffy white shit" made me smile most of all (I'm in Minnesota and we've got lots of it right now). One of my best friends is from Alabama and she shares your sentiments (actually I don't care for the "f.w.s." much myself). Anyway, she once told me about a "wind chill" they were having when it got down to 40 degrees. I laughed so hard...I had to explain that wind chill is when it's so cold, the breeze can literally freeze bare skin within seconds (like tonight - it's 9 degrees below zero right now, with a wind chill of 21 degrees below zero). She just shook her head like we were crazy to even think about living somewhere like that. On nights like this, I think she's right!

I hope you can keep posting, keep from cutting, and still see your T this week. Please don't beat yourself up for looking up information on her. You're right to want to tell her, and she should be able to handle it. It's something so many of us have done that I'd be surprised if T's don't expect that to some degree. I hope that talking it through with her ultimately ends up strengthening your relationship with her.

Keep letting us know how you are doing, okay?
SG

CT... Please post and let us know how you are doing.

We are all concerned about you.

Just remember how strong you really are.

Hugs
TN

hi guys. thanks so much for your responses. they really mean a lot to me. I have managed not to cut so far, but it's still lurking. I haven't called my t anymore and I haven't done anymore writing. I'm still trying not to think, you know

I just can't take care of myself when I'm so angry. And I feel like I DO deserve to be punished. I can't handle the fact that after this week, she is going to hate me for invading her privacy. It hurts to think that I really will probably only see her one more time. I mean, I just can't get a hold of the fact that I've screwed this relationship up with her. I'm so stupid!

Anyway, thanks for being here.

-CT

CT... I'm glad you managed not to cut. That's good for you. You ARE strong. As for your T relationship... don't be so sure she will terminate you. She will probably have a huge respect for your honesty and bravery. AG's experience was a really good one. She posted about it on here somewhere. Any T who does not know that we search for info on them... well they are living under a rock in the dinosaur age

Hang in there and focus on the positive outcome you will have with your T which will make your bond even stronger.

Hugs to you
TN

Hi CT,

I'm so pleased to read that you've made it this far without cutting - please keep hanging in there, you are doing so great. I agree with the others that your T leaving you is by NO means a done deal - I would be really surprised if she had that reaction to you just looking at stuff on-line. Seems almost like this transgression/confession could be a way for your mind/spirit to let out some of the very powerful energy that's come up in you over the separation, and to make sense of that intense feeling that she is not coming back.

Whatever's going on, you're by no means stupid. It seems to me to have been really smart and really brave to write things down here as a way of getting through.

We're thinking of you and sending strength.

Jones

Thanks again guys. I'm really freaking out right now becuase I have a session in the morning and I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to say to my t. I've actually made myself sick- throwing up- because I've been so freaked out. I'm trying to write a letter to my t about everything but... what do I say? UGH! Just wanted to update you. Thanks.

-CT

Hey CT, I'm sorry to hear that you are sick to your stomach over this. It should not be this way. You should be happy to see your T after the break, or at least relieved. I still think she will handle your revelations well and will understand the motivation behind what you will tell her. I know you have only done what you have done in order to feel closer to her and to hold onto the bond when you are away from her. If she knows anything about attachment and trauma she will understand.

I also wonder if your compulsion to tell her and confess all is some kind of test for her. If she passes this then you can go on and do even deeper work in therapy. You will be able to trust her more fully because she has accepted this thing that you have done (which you seem to think is so awful but in fact is very very common) and she will seem that much more safe to you.

Please try to use whatever coping skills you have learned with her to calm down enough to be able to think this all through. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I wish you good luck. Please let us know how it all turns out.

Hugs
TN

((((((((CT))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering so badly. Is there any way to take the pressure off of yourself for right now? Not to say that you'll never ever tell her all this stuff, but it doesn't all have to be tomorrow, does it? You could choose to say absolutely nothing at all tomorrow if you want. Or only tell her a little bit and see how that goes. Or use a hypothetical. Anything is possible.

But for right now...can you just lay this aside for a little while and give yourself a break? Time to breathe, relax, calm down? You have done nothing wrong, nothing even remotely deserving of this hell you're putting yourself through, CT. Not even close.

I googled my former T. I didn't find anything. Well, that's not true. I did find his address. But so what? I've never done anything with that information and I'm not ever going to. What if I had found more? Let's say he had a Facebook account and I found lots of stuff about him and some other family members. What would you say to me? Would you say I deserve to worry to the point of throwing up? Would you say I deserve to be terminated?

Now let's put you in the seat of therapist. Abracadabra, you're a therapist. A patient of yours finds your Facebook account and those of a few of your relatives and reads everything they can access. Let's say somehow you find out about it before she tells you. What would you think of her? Would you really think less of her, would you really terminate her? Or, more likely...would you feel compassion for her, and wait for her to tell you what she found? How would you receive her when she did tell you? Especially if she was shaking with (undeserved) fear?

(This trick is courtesy of AG's suggestion to me when I am too hard on myself, by the way. Credit where credit is due, even in absentia )

Please...you are being way too cruel to yourself, CT. You are deserving of kindness and compassion only. I will say it one more time: You've done nothing wrong.

Hang in there...breathe...and let it go.

SG

Hi. I'm not really in a place where I can comprehend your responses right now, but thanks. I will read them when I can handle it. For now, here's the letter I've written to my t for tomorrow. I plan on just walking in, saying hey, handing her my check and this letter and then saying goodbye and leaving. I think that will be best. Thanks.

quote:

Dear T-

There’s so much I want to tell you. I could literally sit with you for hours and talk about everything that has gone through my head since I’ve last seen you. Even you have to admit that the holidays came at a shitty time for me, as far as where we were in therapy and where I’ve been emotionally. I mean, I feel like I am going to explode from holding everything inside of me. I need to tell you about Oklahoma, about where things are with my newfound aunt and uncle, about why I’m rethinking pursuing a relationship with them, about how much I am dreading going back to school, about how awkward I feel around No-Name these days, about how I really, really wanted to cut while you were gone, but I fought hard to resist the urge and ended up not cutting (I do think I’m engaging in another form of self-mutilation though). I also need you to know how much I’ve missed you, how alone I’ve felt the past two weeks. I’ve been really low and depressed, especially on my mom’s birthday, and I just wanted you to be available to me.

But we can’t talk about all of those things because there’s something more important- more serious- that I have to tell you. It’s something I should have told you about a long time ago, but I haven’t had the courage to do so. I don’t even want to tell you about it now, but it’s eating me alive.

See, I’ve done some really stupid, unforgivable things. And because of these choices I have made, I know today will be my last session with you; I know you aren’t going to let me come back (I wouldn’t let me come back if I were you either). I’m so ashamed and so embarrassed that there isn’t any way I could face you again anyway. I’m terrified of what your reaction is going to be- I can only imagine how disappointed you’re going to be in me, if you’re going to hate me more than I already hate me, if you’re going to tell your husband [he's a t in her office too], etc- but I realize that I’ve made my bed and I have to lie in it. I know I alone have fucked up the relationship I have with you, and while I’m tempted to just cancel my appointments and never talk to you again, I think you at least deserve to know what I’ve done. I want to be responsible for my actions, whatever that entails, and I think you deserve to know how sorry I am.

So… I’ve mentioned before that I’ve googled you, but I never went into details about what I found on you because I was afraid of what you would think/do. But the truth is that I’ve accessed a lot of information about you that I really shouldn’t have- your address, how much your house costs, your phone number, your affiliation with a local parent group, etc. Mind you, it’s all public information on public sites (meaning I haven’t paid for a background check on you or anything), but it’s still sensitive information that isn’t related to the work we’ve been doing. The fact of the matter is that I shouldn’t even have been searching for information about you. I should have trusted that you would give me all the information I needed within the limits and timeframe which you thought were best.

What’s worse, though, is that my search for information on/about you hasn’t stopped with just you; it’s not just your privacy I’ve invaded. I’ve found information on several of your family members, and located some of them on Facebook and/or Myspace. Most of their information is restricted to me because I don’t know them (and no, I have not tried and will not ever to try to contact them). However, your younger daughter and I actually had a mutual friend on Facebook and, apparently, her security settings are different for people who are “friends of friends.” I had access to (and looked at) all of her photos. I also saw some of her friends’ information and pictures. I have since deleted the connection I had with the mutual friend of your daughter so that I will not have access to her information going forward. But it doesn’t change the fact that I looked. I invaded her privacy and took advantage of information that wasn’t meant for me.

The fact of the matter is that no one in your family should ever have to consider some whack-job patient of yours looking at their personal information. It isn’t right and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I would have fought harder against my urges to know more about you and your life. I wish I would have trusted you. I wish that I would have respected your boundaries and the privacy of your family.

But I didn’t, and here I am. I know more than I should, have been disrespectful, have violated any trust you had in me, and have ruined the relationship I have with you. By being so stupid, I have wasted almost two years of work we’ve done together, and I can’t even tell you why I looked. I don’t even have a good reason. I mean, what did it get me? Nothing. I’m certainly not any closer to you. I’ve even made myself sick because I’ve been worrying so much about telling you this. I just can’t get over how fucked up I am. It doesn’t matter though. It’s done and I have to accept it. There’s nobody but me to blame. So I guess this is it. Just know that I’m sorry. Thanks for everything.

Hi CT,

Here is a link to AG's account of admitting what she had found to her T. I've titled the link after his response to her admission of shame and fear. I hope you get a similar response from your T. It is what she should do, if she's a good T. And if she doesn't, then she doesn't deserve you for a patient (meaning you deserve a better therapist). Just my opinion.

And yet, you choose to tell me?

I think what you are doing is very courageous. Not because you've done anything wrong, necessarily, but because you're facing something you are so profoundly afraid of. I admire that. Please let us know how it goes, CT.

SG

One more thing...other than the fact that you are being way too hard on yourself, I think your letter is beautiful in its honesty.

Thanks SG. I have read some of AG's stuff about her experience, but for some reason, it doesn't make me feel any better. I think part of it is because, if I were my t, I really think I'd terminate me. I wouldn't put up with it and think I would definitely draw the line at my family. I don't think I would feel comfortable with a patient of mine knowing so much about me and having seen pictures of my family. I mean, the mere fact that I'm IN THERAPY will make her forever wonder what I might do with the information I have. That alone makes me sad. I just won't be able to go and look at her anymore.

Anyway, thanks for saying I'm courageous. I certainly disagree, but appreciate it none the less.

TN- I don't think I'm trying to test her. I really have wanted to tell her all this for a long time, and what better time than when we are already disconnected after a two-week break? Plus, my viewing of her daughter's stuff became much more frequent over these past two weeks and I just feel guilty. It isn't right. I think if I were testing her, I'd have some hope that she'd be okay with all this, but I really don't. I've already started looking for a new therapist. Thanks so much for your support through all this. It's helped.

I think you all are the main reason I didn't cut ov these last few days. I really do appreciate you all. Thanks.

-CT

CT - good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

Jones

Hi CT, just wanted to share my experience with you about acquiring personal info on my T. I went through a period where I was obsessed with getting info even if it meant crossing a boundary or two. Ok, maybe three or four boundaries. I was ashamed of how far I went and felt like I needed to confess to her even though I knew for sure she would tell me to get the hell out and never come back! It took months of agony and lurking this forum before I was able to confess to her. Her reaction was shocking. She sat there calmly as always and did not even want to know what info I had, she just wanted to know if it helped me do the work I needed to do. It was a huge turning point for me in therapy. I will always be grateful for her compassion and caring. Oh, and believe me if she had a competition on which patient knows the most about her personal life I would win first place.

Well, I survived my session. AND I still have a therapist!!!

I went in like I said i would, gave her my letter, stayed while she read it, told her I wasn't interested in talking and walked out after I got the letter back (didn't want her keeping that one!). Then i went and sat in the foyer of the building for about 5 minutes... my brain was saying "GO TO YOUR CAR" but my body wasn't listening. For reasons I can't explain, I ended up walking back to her office and continuing my session.

I'm at work right now and can't recount everything for you guys at the moment, but I just wanted you all to know that i'm okay. She said she "isn't thrilled" that I researched her and her family (), but she isn't shocked, either. She said i've probably managed to hurt myself more than I've hurt her or her family, and she said we need to look at why I cyber-stalked (my term) her and how it's effected me. I did tell her that I thought she was nuts for still talking to me and that I wanted her to be mad at me... that I feel like I need to be punished. i told her that if I were her I would have kicked me out immediately and she said she's glad I'm not her.

I have SO much more to say but I need to go look productive for a while. Thank you all for your support, encouragement, sanity, reason and love. I think I'm still in shock but i will definietely write more later.

-CT

Many years ago, I had a T whose father was a major movie icon (you would recognise and adore him)(her Mom was actually a movie star, too). When I first went into therapy with her, I didn't know, but eventually I was doing a little googling and found out. It wasn't difficult to discover, and it was apparently fairly well known.....silly me for taking so long to figure it out.

After I found out, I was dumbfounded, and unable to contain myself. I was sooooooooo mature (NOT) when I mentioned it to her - I'm sure I sounded like a star-struck groupie. She just smiled, and said some people know, some don't....but she was comfortable with what people knew, and there really wasn't much she could do about it. I did become somewhat fascinated with her. To make matters worse, she did therapy out of her home. This invited all sorts of screwy boundary issues. I met the dogs and cats, got to ogle at some home furnishings (hmmmmm interesting), on and on. This made the work I had to do HARDER because in addition I had to reign that all in and keep it from interfering with why I was there. She was indeed fascinating, somewhat eccentric, expensive and unusual style of dressing and at least 700 pairs of shoes (I tended to stare at her feet when I didn't want to make eye contact).

When I thought about it,and even asked about it --- if I thought I had issues with my father, I could only imagine how difficult it was for her. She shared just enough to let me know that the fundamental underlying relationships are tough for all of us for all kinds of reasons.

Back to Googling/Facebook issues. What is out there for Google to find is essentially public information. And people who dabble in social networking sites do so at their own risk; she also can't control what her extended family chooses to engage in. I would be astonished if you T terminated you for natural curiosity that is enabled by the internet.....so easy and tempting.

Just my 2 cents...........
-hope

CT, thank you so much for updating us! I've been thinking about you all day and wondering how it went.

I still maintain that you were highly courageous, no matter what her response was. Especially to walk back in to her office and keep going. That's amazing and I hope at some point you can see how brave you were to do that! Not because you did anything terribly wrong (in my opinion), but because you believed you did and were willing to be honest to set it right, no matter what the consequences. I'm happy for you that she wasn't shocked and is willing to look at why you looked so you can continue therapy with her. This looks like it might be a springboard to a deeper healing for you.

I've been reading (again), this time The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D. The following excerpts are taken from that book. They give me a lot of encouragement regarding honesty in my own therapy, especially scary honesty like the kind you just successfully faced. I hope you can take some encouragement from them, too.

(from p. 52)
"A life of total dedication to the truth also means a life of willingness to be personally challenged. The only way that we can be certain that our map of reality is valid is to expose it to the criticism and challenge of other map-makers."

(from p. 53)
"No act is more unnatural, and hence more human, than the act of entering psychotherapy. For by this act we deliberately lay ourselves open to the deepest challenge from another human being, and even pay the other for the service of scrutiny and discernment."

(from p. 53)
"Entering psychotherapy is an act of the greatest courage. The primary reason people do not undergo psychotherapy is not that they lack the money but that they lack the courage."

(from p. 63, on the topic of honesty)
"All this might seem like an extraordinary task, impossible to ever perfectly complete, a chronic and never-ending burden, a real drag. And it is indeed a never-ending burden of self-discipline, which is why most people opt for a life of very limited honesty and openness and relative closedness, hiding themselves and their maps from the world. It is easier that way. Yet the rewards of the difficult life of honesty and dedication to the truth are more than commensurate with the demands. By virtue of the fact that their maps are continually being challenged, open people are continually growing people. Through their openness they can establish and maintain intimate relationships far more effectively than more closed people. Because they never speak falsely they can be secure and proud in the knowledge that they have done nothing to contribute to the confusion of the world, but have served as sources of illumination and clarification. Finally, they are totally free to be. They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. They need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises. And ultimately they find that the energy required for the self-discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for secretiveness. The more honest one is, the easier it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear."

So by "planting" courage, we "grow" freedom from fear. That's my favorite part.

SG

Wow, Tuesday@11 and Hope... and everyone for that matter, thanks so much for telling me about your experiences. It means SO much to know that I'm not alone... and that if I AM a freak, I'm at least in good company!!

SG, thanks for sharing the quotes. I'll definitely be reading those over and over.

HB, thanks for starting my list. I'm still unsure of my "okayness" but I think I might be near the part where I realize it's okay to have needs.

I'd like to break down my session for you all (and for me)... please bear with me because it's going to be a little ramble-y. I just want to get it all out there so I don't forget.

When she called me back from the waiting room, she asked how I was doing. I said "shitty. how bout you?" to which she replied "I'm doing pretty good." Right off the bat from there I told her that this was going to be my last session. She said ok, but asked what was going on. I explained to her that I had it all written out, but she said she'd rather hear about it. I told her I'd REALLY prefer she read my letter, but she said, "can I guess what's going on?"- What the efff is that? This was NOT going how I planned it!- I told her yes, she could guess, cuz what else could I say? She said that she thought I was upset because I want her to be a perfect mother figure that she will never be and yadda yadda yadda. I told her that it really had more to do with something I had done rather than something that was wrong with her- then I asked her to just please read the letter. She said fine, she'd read the letter but she wanted to talk about it too.

After she read the letter, I asked her for the letter back and told her that I needed to leave. She said I didn't need to and that we should talk and I told her I didn't think I was interested in that. I just walked out, didn't say bye or anything. Like I said earlier, I made it to the foyer of the building and sat down on a bench out there. It was the strangest experience... part of me was saying GO, LEAVE, GET OUT NOW! But there was this other part of me- like a stubborn child me- that sat down and said I'M NOT GOING OUT THAT DOOR, TURN AROUND (with arms folded firmly across chest, mind you!). I really can't explain it better than that. After sitting there for a bit, I finally went back down the hall to my t's office. I walked in and just stood in the waiting area until she came out. She said, "so, do you wanna talk?" I told her I wasn't sure but all I knew was that I was still here. After a minute or two of silence, she asked what was going through my head and I told her "just that I'm really nauseous." She goes, "maybe that's your body's way of saying that you're about to make a big mistake." To that, I walked back into her office and sat down.

From that point, I really lose all chronological order of events. I can only really recall things that were said, so this is going to be a bit jumbled. I remember her saying that she "wasn't thrilled" that I researched her family so extensively, but that she wasn't shocked either. She said that all that information is out there and that I probably managed to hurt myself more than I hurt her or her family. She did also say that she and her family don't hide and that she knows her family members can take care of themselves. She said that she wished I hadn't gathered all the information I had, but mostly because of what it does to me and the work we are doing- how we keep coming back to this same crossroads where I refuse to accept that I have everything I need within me (ummm gulp?). At one point she asked me if I had considered that I was sabatoging myself. I hadn't considered it and obviously, I wasn't doing it intentionally. She also asked if I was testing her... trying to see if I could finally do something that would make her reject me. Certainly that wasn't the goal or anything... i just knew in my head that I had finally screwed up enough to make her leave me. i wasn't TRYING to play games or be manipulative.

Then she went on about how she doesn't reject me and she won't reject me even for the reason's that society and/or other people might reject me for. She even went so far as to suggest that I may be on a "rejection tear" lately; rejecting other people or making them reject me before they have the chance to reject me themselves. Then she said she knows me and she knows my heart. She said she knows that I'm intelligent and that I genuinely care about other people and this whole thing won't make her reject me or tell me to go away. She followed tha up with "and that doesn't mean you should try to do something bigger that you think might make me reject you!"

I told her that I didn't understand why she was being nice to me and that I didn't know why she wouldn't kick me out. I told her I wanted her to be mad at me and that I really feel like I need to be punished. She said something I didn't really get about how "punishment only reinforces behavior," but i don't really know what she meant by that.

She also talked alot/ asked me alot of questions about why I was looking for stuff on her in the first place. She was kind of guessing about what I might be looking for because I couldn't really offer her any information. All I could say was "it doesn't matter! I shouldn't have done it in the first place." She insisted that is DOES matter and that ALL THAT MATTERS is why I did it, as in what was I looking for, and how it has effected me. Those are the two things she said she wants me to focus on, but i couldn't focus during the session. I think I was still in shock that she was even talking to me. Then I asked her if she was going to tell her husband (and fellow therapist). She said she hadn't even thought about it, but my asking that question makes her think that I am focused on how "bad" i was... that maybe if she won't get mad, maybe he will. I honestly just want to know if she's going to tell him because I'm afraid of him already (TOTAL PROJECTION, TRANSFERENCE! I've never even said hi to the man) and I have this strange, impending feeling that he's going to threaten me or something.

Oh, she also said that the reason I'm in therapy in the first place is because I want to work on boundary issues such as this, and that if I don't look at what I'm doing and why I'm doing it then it will never change. I said "can't we just chalk it up to me being stupid and act like it never happened?" She said, "no, that would pretty much ensure that you WILL repeat this over and over. Plus, i hate the word stupid, it's like a four letter word to me!" I found that hysterical because she winces when I say 'stupid' but not when I say 'fuck'... lol.

Toward the end of the session she asked if I am willing to look at why I felt so compelled to get information about her and if I am am willing to talk about how I've been effected by the things I've read/seen- she also said that this is the best way of making reparations. I said maybe and she said "c'mon, don't let yourself get away with that, yes or no?" I said yes and she said "good, I'll see you next week then."

That was pretty much it. My head is still swirling because there is so much I want to tell her. Every answer seems to lead to another question, but all in all, I'm glad she's still my t. I don't know WHY she still is, but she is. Btw, she mentioned something about how I "don't trust" which confuses me because I don't see myself that way, but I'll have to add that to the things I want to ask her about next week. She also said something about me making my therapy too much about her... and I need clarification on that too.

Oh, one last thing- I told her that if I were her, I would have sent me packing immediately. Know what she said? "I'm glad you're not me then." I have no clue why she is so nice and kind to me because I don't deserve it. It kinda feels good though.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading, even those of you who haven't responded, but have still sent good vibes my way.

-CT

Hey CT.. it's very late and I'm exhausted but I had to respond to your post. Thanks for updating us on what happened. And congratulations for being so brave and honest. You were so great and your T had a near perfect reaction to your revelations. I'm so glad you are going back to her and will discuss this further. She understands that you just wanted to be close to her and that's why you did it. I am so glad you did not walk out totally but then found the strength to go back and talk it out. Be proud of yourself.

We will talk more when I'm more coherent. I hope you are feeling better now. Get some rest.

Hugs
TN

CT, this is a wonderful breakthrough in action.... I love it, and I'm so glad you're writing your way through it for us.

Not only have you made your way through that very difficult holiday break, but you also used the opportunity to get some really core stuff on the table. I know you thought this was going to be the end of the relationship, but in fact what you made for yourself was more space to be your *whole* self in the relationship - to have that seen, understood and accepted. By your T, but more importantly by yourself. At least, it seems to me that you are moving very strongly in that direction - I don't think anything will stop you now. Yay!

Enjoy the good feelings!

Incidentally, I had a weird boundary thing on the weekend - I bumped into my T while I was out. We didn't speak but she gave me a smile. I was just staring, I literally couldn't even comprehend that it was her. Makes me feel anxious about my next session tomorrow - I think she is going to EXPLAIIIIN why she didn't talk to me, and I don't want to hear it! I'd much rather do the pretend-it-didn't-happen thing!

Jones...I had the same thing happen with my T this summer, however, we literally ran into each other, so there was not an option not to acknowledge each other by saying hello. On my next appt. I shared with him how very weird that was to see him outside of the 4 walls of therapy. He told me that because of privacy issues, he will NEVER approach a client or acknowledge a client outside of the therapy office. I see the point, if I were with someone that I didn't want to know etc...I would have to explain who that was and all. He did say that if a client chose to approach him in public or acknowledge him, then he would of course talk with them. I think that is a good boundry!

TN- I understand exhaustion! Thanks for responding even when you were so tired... and thanks for saying I'm brave. I don't really feel it, but thanks.

Jones- Thanks. I'm not sure NOTHING will stop me now, but I do feel like I don't have the excuse of "if she REALLY new...."

Jones and Hals- i can't imagine running into my t outside of the office! Did your t bring it up in session Jones? And Hals, i agree, I think your t has the right idea about how to handle that kind of situation. Still would be awkward though!

Well, i just got a phone call from my t (which I let go to voicemail like always in case it's something I need to hear over and over!). I thought she was calling to tell me that she had a cancellation for tomorrow or something, but instead she said that she was calling because she hasn't had a cancellation. She said that she doesn't have another time for us to meet until next week, but she didn't want the whole week to go by without responding to the letter I wrote (I dropped it off for her the night AFTER my session). She said she really liked the song lyrics I shared with her (see below), and that she was not going to give up on me. She also said that just because she can't see me again this week doesn't mean that I haven't been on her mind, and that she hopes I'm feeling better about the fact that she's NOT going anywhere. Then she said she hopes I'm ready to start school on Monday and that she'll see me on Tuesday.

Have I mentioned that i love my t? I still have NO IDEA why she is so nice and wonderful to me, but I really do love her. I wish I could see her every day for the rest of my life!

Here are the lyrics I shared with her. I've shared them on this board before, but I (again) found them particularly fitting for the situation with my t.

"oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength"


-CT

CT, that is so wonderfull that you got so close to your T now. It must be such a wonderful feeling! To feel that she cares for you and she is there for you. I'd love to achieve what you've just achieved in your T-relatinship. Isn't it a good begining of the new year?

Funny, you mentioned that your T doesn't like when you say stupid but doesnt mind fuck. That's really nice of her sort of Well, "fuck" is just an expression of your feelings while when you say "stupid" you mean to hurt yourself, so no wonder she prefers "fuck".

Good luck with you therapy

Im glad things worked out for you! I know exactly how you felt. I had to go in not to long ago and admit to my P that I had been googling him almost every day just to see if there was new information on him and that I was friends with both of his daughters on facebook just so i could see pictures of him and know what was going on with him. I had several friends in common with his daughters and they are close to my age so I tried to reason that it was okay. But it wasnt. I admitted it to him and had about 30 minutes before that where I would start to tell him and then go to scared. He knew there was a lot of information I needed to tell him and it was something I was scared of. He kept asking what was I most afraid of and when I said that he would stop seeing me he would say "if you tell me I wont stop seeing you but if you dont tell me I will." Made it a little easier to tell him. He wasnt surprised at what I did and wasnt nearly as bad as things i have done in the past that made him stop seeing me. Back then I did more than just cyber stalking. He did tell me that he didnt care what information I found on him because he wasnt trying to hide anything from me but that he was more concerned at what it would do to me and the reasons behind it. He didnt want me to have to see a picture of him hugging his daughters if that was going to make me jealous or depressed. And it makes sense but I still continue to look at their facebook pages to see if there is any new pictures of him, but I did defriend them. I am going to have to tell him this part sometime, maybe tuesday when I see him. I know he wont be happy but I now also believe him when he says he will be there for me and help me get through the scary stuff and I shouldnt worry about him not seeing me anymore.