I think you're right about "stupid" hurting whereas "fuck" is more of an expression of a feeling. I guess that is nice of her! And yes, it is quite a wonderful feeling to be so close to my t. In your "The therapeutic relationship" thread, it sounds like you are really beginning to grasp the relationship idea. During my very first session- almost 2 years ago- my t told me that the kind of therapy she does depends heavily on our relationship. I nodded along like a fool, thinking "okay, so we have to get along, I can handle that." (Oh, naive therapy-virgin me!!!!) Well, about 8 months ago, however, what she meant finally hit me like a ton of bricks! I wrote about it in my "Disconnected and Distraught" thread (the realization came toward the end of the thread). It was then that I was FINALLY able to understand what she meant. I literally remember thinking OHHHHH this is what she meant!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I KNEW I'd have to trust her and all that, but I didn't know that it would be so deep... so challenging, so much about the way we relate to one another. It actually has very little whatsoever to do with us "getting along." It's the fact that, getting along or not, our relationship survives. We aren't destroyed and repaired at the whim of my feelings, but we are always in relationship. It is continuous. She can handle my WIDE range of feelings and that doesn't change her opinion of me... and she doesn't even react... she just is and I'm slowly learning to trust that. I've often said that I feel like a bouncy ball and she's just sitting in the room while I bounce around, knocking things over, zooming all over the place. But no matter what, she's always right there being her, and when I finally slow to a roll, and want her to engage with me, she's there, like nothing has happened. It truly is amazing, and I'm glad you see it. I'd hate for you to keep feeling like an insect!
Pippi- Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think you are so brave for telling your P all that you told him. It's hard, but as i've seen these last two weeks, very necessary and worth it.
In fact, I had another session today. Since my last session, I wrote out a lot of detailed stuff for my t about what info I got on her and her family and what I was really looking for and all that. I was really honest even though parts of me wanted to keep hiding. I ended up telling her a whole lot more than I intended today (via a post-session letter)... even about how her daughter's provacative clothing choices that I saw in her pictures, combined with the fact that her daughter looks exactly like my t, retriggered some of my erotic transference stuff. Now, let me just say, I haven't been that terrified to tell my t something in a LONG time! I about died of embarrassment just writing about it. But I had to do it. My t knew I wasn't telling her something and kept poking around at it. I had to tell her! I was so scared that she was going to think I was a pervert or a creep or something, or that she was FINALLY going to terminate me... but when she called me back after she read my letter she was fine... she even giggled some- probably because I was writing in a very evasive, panicky way.
I mean, how could I not be evasive? How do you nicely and respectfully say "your daughter looks just like you, except for the fact that she's younger, and looking at her pics- seeing her cleavage and body- made me think about being intimate withyou. I looked at her boobs like I wish I could stare at yours."??? There is no way to make that sound nice!!!! This is her kid for God's sake!!!! So when I wrote her, i did a lot of beating around the bush and hinting and backtracking. I think that is why she was kinda giggling on the phone (hey, I was impressed, I managed to explain everything and not even say the word breast OR chest. I think I said "she leaves less to the imagination than you"- LOL)!! Umm, btw, I guess for those of you who don't know, I should mention that I am a straight, married woman, but i do have maternal and erotic transference issues with my t!
Anyway, she handled it really well and said that me saying that stuff didn't bother her at all and that she wasn't going to terminate with me or leave me (YAY!)! She has had a cancellation too, so I get to see her again this week! I hope she's happy that I finally came clean about this part of things... hopefully she understands more now! It's going to be hellatiously awkward if she tries to talk about it, but oh well. I have to. Plus, the cause of what manifests as erotic stuff with her is just really me wanting to be close to her in a very maternal way (I kinda have a boob enfatuation and she has nice ones... and so does her daughter!). It's like the little girl in me who wants to be nursed- who wants that intimacy and connection- is trying to get that need met by turning it into the most adult thing possible; something sexual. All of my sexual fantasies about my t have centered around me having access to her boobs, nothing more or less. So it's not like I was getting off looking at her kid- it's all still about my t, but like I told her, her daughter's pics just provided me with a better illustration!
Okay, I guess that's it for now. I know I'm really weird, but I just thought I'd update you all. Thanks!
-CT
Ugh. Scared still, but I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm so glad that you had a good outcome with your T, and I'm so hoping that I get a similar response from my own!