I did this in my session last week. I was stressed because my session was 2 days later than normal. I used these 2 days to get angry with T about her pregnancy and all the changes it is causing. I told her I was angry with her and then said nothing else for the rest of the session. When she asked what I was angry about I just dais "you know".
She talked and tried to persuade me to tlak about it.
I sat there and hugged my cushion, cried a little bbut said nothing.
When I left she suggested I try to write to her what I was feeling.
I did this in the evening and sent it by e-mail. I started by saying I did not want to discuss it this week and then explained. Yesterday when I saw her was her first day in the office since then, as she only works 2 days a week.
She was great, she thanked me for my e-mail and said she understood and that I had explained very well and asked if i wanted to discuss it. I said no, because I had something else to discuss.

She is sogood, I just hope I can continue with her after next week.

I often start very quiet, but then she gently questions me until she finds out what is bothering me. Sometimes I just seem to need her to ask the right question. Although I don't know how i expect her to know what the right question is!!

Hi, puppet. I am pretty new here and i mostly just lurk in silence--silence is my trademark! But I really felt moved to respond to your post. I can relate to many of your posts actually, but I'm just too....silent(!) to respond.

I have the same problem as you, almost all the time, and I'm really embarrassed to say that it's been going on for years. I felt/feel like I'm "failing" at therapy, at the most basic part of talk therapy--the talking. When I have a mostly silent session, I feel so many things: self-consciousness/embarrassment (which just escalates the longer i'm silent), confusion, frustration, anger (with myself & T), mental paralysis--like I can't even think of a sentence or a word to say, and even if I could, I couldn't actually speak it. It does seem impossible to speak, impossible to make my brain tell my mouth to say something.

The reasons you list (I can't figure out how to include/quote that part here) describe exactly what I experience--BUT I could not have put them into words the way you did. So, you're way ahead of me in figuring this out. (Thank you for figuring it out and writing it all down!)

To answer your question, my T sometimes just lets me sit there (incredibly uncomfortable) and doesn't push. Other times, she will ask/talk about something easy, small talk, probably to see if I can relax enough to talk at all. Sometimes I can and sometimes not, but when I can respond, the session might end up being all small talk, because I don't know how to shift to more important stuff (and who knows? maybe T is just relieved we're talking and doesn't want to spoil the moment?? )
If I can't respond, I get more and more frustrated, with myself and with T, because (in my mind) "Why doesn't she help me? Why can't she figure out how to help me?" So T trying to make small talk is OK...but it can't leave me feeling like she's not seeing what's going on inside of me (which obviously, she CAN'T see if I don't let her).

Sometimes if the small talk is going OK, T will bring up something related to my therapy issues (CSA, family-of-origin dynamics, etc.) And even though it may be the exact issue I wish I could discuss, I'll just go completely silent. It's like I'm too scared to "admit" I have these issues ? (even though I'm coming to therapy because of them ) If T gets silence on an important topic, she sometimes says, "Well, maybe you just need a break...Sometimes it's OK to just take a break" And she says this so...optimistically(?), like "Oh, I'm glad you're feeling so well that you don't feel the need to talk about these things" ??? This always causes me to completely shut down, as all I can think is "She just doesn't get it!" and all I can hear in what she's saying is that she doesn't care if i continue with therapy or not... aaaaaggghhhhh

As I said, your list of reasons corresponds exactly with my experience, and like you, I find it really hard to tell which of the reasons is the main problem during a particular session. They may ALL be true, all at once, during the same session! I'm finding it hard to put into words (though I'm writing a book here!), but I think your list is the key to unlocking your silence. I say that because it was only when I mentioned to my T that my silence frustrated ME, that we started to work better together. In other words, I sort of assumed that T was frustrated with me for not talking, or that she didn't care whether I talked or not....And maybe she did see the silence as a way of shutting her out, so why would she try harder and harder to work with someone who was determined to shut her out. But when I managed to stammer out how I felt like such a failure at therapy, and how it feels to go into one of those silent "spirals," she responded quite well, was very reassuring, and said that some of it could be dissociation. I honestly don't know how/why I was able to break my silence to tell her even that much, but once I did, it made things a little easier--though not easy! When was therapy ever easy?

Your reason #8: Should T help more with this? I've struggled with this question for years, and up until last year, I tended to blame T, wonder if she was competent enough or just didn't care enough.. etc. Or maybe someone else could have helped me break the silence sooner and I'd be done with therapy by now? But if I'm honest with myself, I think I would have fought anyone who tried to break through my defenses, especially my favorite defense of silence! What I think now is that T is both competent and willing to help me, but she absolutely needs me to speak and explain and repeat what I'm thinking, so she can understand me. So my goal for each session now is just to talk, and I don't always succeed. But when I can talk, sometimes all I can say is "There's something I want to talk about, but it's hard.." Saying that out loud, which is really sort of embarrassing and uncomfortable, seems to help. Or I might just groan, cover my face with my hands, and mutter "Ugghhhhhh I'm falling into silence again!" It's like bringing the discomfort to the surface actually helps make it go away.

I'm sorry to ramble on for so long, and I feel like there's so much more I could say, especially about your list of reasons... But this is probably more than you wanted to read, and I'm not even sure I answered your question. And now I am embarrassed at my explosion of words. Silence is so much safer!

Puppet, i really like your posts, and now i feel even more connected with you, knowing that you share the "silent" affliction. I'm sorry you do, because I know how frustrating it is. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles in this way. Thank you for writing about this topic.

RabbitEars

i am really moved by the responses, thank you starlight, redtomato and rabbitears! but i need to come back to respond tomorrow. 'speak' soon.

puppet

quote:

Originally posted by Starlight:
I was stressed because my session was 2 days later than normal. I used these 2 days to get angry with T

Starlight, this describes so well the way the therapy relationship seems to go sometimes. But it takes insight to realize what your mind and your feelings are doing and how they're affecting your sessions. This stuff is so hard, but when I read this line of yours, it made me laugh because it made me recognize my own tendency to use my time away from therapy as time to get myself all worked up and mad at my T. When I get back to session, I've had major arguments, ruptures, etc., with her--and she doesn't even know it Next step: Telling her about it!

RabbitEars--the silent lurker who now can't stop writing.................

I was so scared to broach a subject once that I said the session could go any number of ways today. And the T asked me, with what I perceived as impatience and annoyance, "What would be most helpful to you?"

So, now I have a new T and when she asked me the same thing and I got completely emotional and started crying and apologizing for wasting her time.

It just came out of left field and I didn't tell her why, in fact in the moment, all I could feel was stupid and so I went totally silent.

So then T is sitting there looking all confused and trying to gently ask what just happend and I'm going, "I don't know, I'm sorry, I guess I'm an idiot."

So she brought up some observations so far.

I feel like I'm making her job so much harder but I don't know how to stop.

I apreciate the suggestions here!



Well wasn't that fun!

quote:

Originally posted by PeeJay:
Well wasn't that fun!

Love your sense of humor, PeeJay!

RabbitEars

Puppet,
Yes I've been there & totally understand! I'm w/ you on #4. My internal conversation goes on to say, " now your wasting money & time etc. " it a vicious cycle.
A long time ago I was seeing a T & this happened several times where I just couldn't talk. She gave me a notebook & one for herself & told me to write her. So I did & @ the same time she wrote me. Then we'd swap books, read & write again. We did this back & forth the entire session. Sometimes we had 2 different conversations going on @ once & sometimes we were on the same pg. a lot was said though...just because I felt like I could say more when writing. This was very helpful to me. Sometimes she'd greet me w/ notebooks in hand & I'd just nod my head.
It's definitely annoying & troubling @ the same time. It's hard enough to go & be in T but to then have trouble actually talking can just drive you nuts.
I hope you find something both you & your T can use.
Mudddd

Hi Puppet

Yep sometimes silence still comes into my sessions with T even though I'm in year 3 of twice weekly and our relationship is pretty good. T won't let me sit for too long in silence, as she said to do so would be cruel as far as she was concerned. She will let it be for a bit and then might just say something along the lines of I want you to know I'm here with you.

T will ask me even now if silence comes in, if I want to write stuff down, so I nod or make a scribbling gesture with my hand, so we spend times with the post it note block and exchange paper. There may be a word on there, or a drawing for me to show her whats hard.

Other times she asks me if I can just get one word out, to describe whats going on (e.g scary, bad, sad) and we go from there.) If its not that bad but still hard, T will also ask me to maybe talk around what I can't talk about, so we look not at the stuff but kind of around it (so I might say 'silly feelings' so she gets why I cant talk about the stuff

Sorry to ramble - hope you get something that works for you

Pingles

wow, i cant believe so many people relate!

i will try to respond but i'm a little overwhelmed at the responses and exhausted and might be a bit brief.

hey starlight!
i am glad she is continuing to be good for you as you're going through a very difficult time and its perfectly understandable that you're angry. i'm glad she told you you could write to her so that you didnt have to get stuck with those feelings.

redtomato,
i think you have some really good tips, thanks! #3 had me imagine me pressing keys on a computer and a metallic robot voice saying them... swearwords and everything, thats the funniest thing ever! ha!ha! #2 could be a good one for me, if i get the courage to suggest it... the thing is, i would feel like a retard...(sorry maybe its my defences again).
oh, and your last post about control! i think you're spot on! and it could be my biggest reason yet! it just gets tricky cos a part of me does want to talk, but the control freak wont let her. your story about your dad was sad... i would never have guessed you have/had problems with speaking too, you definetely have a voice now. thanks for sharing!

hi rabbitears,
i'm really glad my 'mute' post also helped you post! (cute name by the way!)
i relate to what you're saying too... the shame, the frustration, anger.... it sounds like your T does know what to do to help though. have you been seeing her long? my T doesnt do small talk, she is psychoanalytically trained, which means she is more of the blank slate serious therapist, incredibly non directive (waits for me to do /say everything) which is sooo frustrating i just want to shake her sometimes!! i just really hate how the focus is all on me
i think you're right about my list - in that 'talking' about 'not talking' is probably what will help - if i can manage the first part... a bit like the chicken and the egg... i am confused just writing this.
i'm glad you talked about your difficulties with her and that it helped. my T is generally helpful when i talk, i just really resent the fact she doesnt help me. we have spoken about this and now she will say something if I havent said anything for 15min in the beginning of the session (this was by mutual agreement). i probably have the tendency to be 'lazy' or feel entitled to some things (just because i never got them) and expect to be taken care of (i know with my husband i do this a bit but he does look after me and its such a nice change, and its addictive!), but my T feels like a really strict teacher (well actually, like my parents) and expects a lot and does nothing in return! sorry i've gone off on a rant... i'm still really angry at her...
i enjoyed your post by the way, so hope you keep posting here!

hi peejay,
its crazy how even the most innocent comments (from Ts point of view) can have a negative effect! i have overreacted or misunderstood so many times, although i like to think of it like she was the one who said the wrong thing!

hi mudd,
i really like your notebook idea too! especially that you are both writing at the same time, takes the pressure off a bit i think. thank you!

hey pings,
oh, i think your T is really sweet when she says she's there with you! and writing things down again, thanks for making it seem so normal, maybe i will actually bring this up. the one word thing is a very good idea too. i think my T should take some lessons from yours!

thank you all for sharing and for the good suggestions, it really helps to know i'm not alone!


puppet

quote:

Originally posted by puppet:
i think you're right about my list - in that 'talking' about 'not talking' is probably what will help - if i can manage the first part... a bit like the chicken and the egg... i am confused just writing this.
puppet

Hi puppet. yes, it's a mind-bending paradox, isn't it?

I was silent here yesterday because I had my session (and was silent for much of it ) but I'm still thinking about your list. I don't know if this will help you at all, but for me, the list parallels the feelings and internal conflict i had w/ my parents--because it was my brother who abused me and i didn't think i could tell my parents (I thought that they wouldn't believe me, or they wouldn't help me, or they'd blame me or shame me, etc)... So when I sit there silently with T, it's like I'm still waiting for someone to ask what's wrong, how can I help, etc, and thinking T should just be able to see there's something wrong and take care of me (i.e., the same thing I hoped/wished/prayed my parents would do). And I'm angry if T doesn't try to draw me out of the silence, but then I'm scared if she does ask a question that's on target--same as I would have been if my parents had asked me! In other words, some major transference going on w/ me wanting T to rescue me, i suppose. Also, as my T explained it to me, when things in session or in the therapy relationship seem "life and death," it could be because the parallel childhood feelings and the circumstances WERE life and death for the child who experienced the trauma. As children, we ARE psychologically/emotionally overwhelmed and cannot cope with what's happening, and then we carry those feelings into adulthood....and into therapy sessions.

Maybe we can't find the words to speak because we're working from our child-like "vocabulary" of thoughts, feelings, etc? I certainly didn't know how to tell my parents what was happening. At the time, I really didn't have the words...or the "permission" to talk about such things (e.g., genitals?? )
Again, i don't know if this helps you understand your own silence any better, but i thought i'd offer it as something to think about. It was a big revelation for me when i first started realizing how much i was acting out the part of the child in my sessions. Sort of embarrassing really, but i'm trying to get past that and start to see how much the child must have been hurt--to still be hurting now, so many years later.

Sorry if this is too much about me. I'm still trying to learn how to write something more supportive/less self-centered ? But to answer your question, yes, I've been in therapy for a loooong time (years, double digits ), but for many years (!), I would only go once every few weeks, or once a month, or....disappear for months and then go back and try again. And T was always there, always welcoming, always patient (though I suspect she dreaded my silence as much as I did!). Over the last 6 months though I've become a once-a-weeker, with a regular day for sessions. I sort of feel like "Oh wow, after years of trying, I've finally graduated from kindergarten!" And i should add that I only made this mini breakthrough because of a crisis moment, when i did open up w/ T (because i was so scared, not because i was brave) and she responded beautifully and i realized "Oh, this actually works! If I say I'm hurting, someone actually does respond and help me!" It was the best feeling in the world, and it has helped me start taking baby steps to keep sharing my scared/vulnerable feelings.

I hope your next session is a good one and that you'll talk about it here

RabbitEars

RabbitEars,

So true, so much of what you wrote! I want to be rescued too, from my own head. I want her to ask. I want her to tease me out of my shell. No, I need that. I'm too shy to just say, "I need help. Here are my issues. Blah blah blah."

I mean, if we knew all our own issues and the best thing to discuss that day, we wouldn't be in therapy to begin with, right?

Plus, these topics are downright embarrassing. You are taught your whole life to keep private, cover your inner parts, wear clothes, wear a happy mask, don't talk about unmentionables. And now all of a sudden, you're supposed to reveal your inner soul and inner world to someone? No matter how safe that person seems, there's still a giant risk involved.

The risk is what keeps us silent. But that silence probably has served us well at other times in our lives, so it's hard to just become Miss Open and Honest in the therapy room and then go back to suppressing our Big Emotions the rest of the time.

So hard!

I just realized that "scared feelings" and "sacred feelings" have the same letters.

Hi PeeJay, yes, me too. Painfully extremely shy, though I have mostly learned how to hide it in "real life." But the shyness comes back full force the second I'm sitting on T's couch and being seen, literally--being looked at or "observed" in my shyness. A new thread? "Being Seen or Being Heard--Which Is Harder?"

Another tangled-up part of the problem, for me, is if I admit I'm feeling embarrassed, shy, self-conscious, or whatever, and T "normalizes" it and says "Oh, everyone feels that way sometimes.."--well, then I'm somehow doubly embarrassed because it sounds to me like "Everyone else feels this way, but they manage to speak in spite of their fears." So T's attempt to normalize it just makes me feel even more self-conscious--"Why can't I get past this fear, like everyone else?"

I think that people who become Ts are probably naturally NOT shy, and then they do their training and learn to hear and talk about all sorts of things that would embarrass regular, non-T people. Sometimes it seems to me like T is bragging about it "Oh, you can tell me anything. It won't shock me..." Well, it's not really you, T, that I'm worried about! I'm worried about me feeling shy and self-conscious while you sit there perfectly comfortable, watching me feel that way!

A question for Puppet: Puppet, I was wondering--if you're doing psychoanalytic therapy, do you sit face-to-face with your T, or do you lie on a couch and not look at T at all? (My T has an eclectic approach, not strict psychoanalysis. I sit on a couch, facing T, but never, never look at her! ) What about you, PeeJay? Do you look at your T when talking (or when silent??)? I cannot make eye contact at all. And of course, I am self-conscious about that too...

Scared = sacred when it comes to feelings? Interesting thought, PeeJay ... What is the best way to honor our scared/sacred feelings? Sometimes silence feels like the only way.

RabbitEars

Hi monte
thank you for sharing. I have also read some of your very moving posts where you share these experiences with your T with us and it sounds really painful but healing and such treasured moments.
i think its a very good idea but i will save it for the future as it seems a bit beyond me right now.
Writing from my phone so a bit difficult to reply properly.
Thanks for sharing

puppet

Hi rabbitears!
I can relate to so much of what you wrote... Especially about the part about waiting for my parents to resque me and that being played out with t. I'm not in a good place to reply proprrly i'm away for the weekend so i will get back to this in a day or two. I wanted to say i'm really sorry for what you went through and that your parents didnt help you.
Talk to you soon
puppet

I think it's the T's job to create a holding space for sacred thoughts and feelings. These things are precious and it is very damaging to share them with someone who doesn't honor them.

(I learned this the hard way. I'm still bitter.)

I think you should say, "These memories and hurts and thoughts are precious to me. I'm afraid to bring them out."

My T said once, "Sometimes we don't want to talk about things but we need to talk about them." Very true.

hi rabbitears,
i've been away for the weekend doing the more unusual thing of relaxing and having fun, rather than my normal staying at home depressed all day but somehow i feel like i missed out on something (pain?) and need to catch up...
i was thinking about my silence too... its either one or the other,i cant seem to find a middle ground, i either dont want to talk to her and another part of me wants to tell her something big and vulnerable and important. why cant i start small, have more compromises between the different parts? i cant really answer taht because there is so much conflict sometimes that its so noisy i cant even think.
your post made me sad for you, how you waited for your parents to 'save' you, because i can really relate to that.
i'm sorry if i'm making this about me now, but your post reminded me of my 'stuff'.
***edited *** really sorry bunnyears, i took down some stuff i wrote about my childhood... maybe i can tell you some stuff little by little, but it was too much for one day.... things werent as bad for me dont mean to make a big drama out of it.

so, i was trying to respond to your posts.... but i sort of got lost... SO...very good insight about the waiting for T to save me and about not having the words as a child and getting stuck there!
if you dont mind me asking, why is it that only now you're going once a week? i think its great by the way and it sounds like you're making great progress! i've also been in therapy for a long time, i dont even want to count how long, its probably close to double digits if not over already. i've been seeing this T for 2 years now. yes, she has the option of a couch where you're not facing her, and a chair facing her. i've tried the couch a couple of times but i found it too scary for some reason, maybe just not ready for it yet. i feel like i still need to be able to try to read her / her reactions as i'm still trying to trust her.

sorry to ramble on... your post was very open and insightful, thank you.


hi peejay,
didnt mean to ignore you!
i really like what you said about scared / sacred, it puts it in a more positive light. i am generally ashamed of being afraid and also in denial about it, i dont want to admit it. probably another thing that doesnt help with being able to speak.
i am sorry someone (a T?) didnt honor your sacred feelings... it must make it so much harder to trust again.



puppet

hi puppet. i know what you mean about getting lost in the posts. i read so many that are incredibly helpful, insightful, etc., but if i try to respond, my brain just sort of implodes So don't worry about replies... You may be wishing you'd never started this thread as you see my long, rambling comments roll in

Sorry that my "stuff" triggered your "stuff"--but don't judge your stuff as "not as bad" or "drama"...Well, I say this, but then I realize I do the same thing--failing to give myself the compassion that I would easily give to others who have had experiences similar to mine. I'm sorry about the waiting--I know that has been an issue for you too. Did you ever resolve your long wait, when your T didn't reply to your email/voicemail? Have you had a session since then? and if so, were you able to repair the damage? I hope so. I really felt for you in that situation (though I was silent). It is so hard to reach out, and then when you do--to not hear anything back is just devastating.

To answer your question about my therapy schedule (or lack of schedule)--I am so passive in general that I never asked for more-frequent sessions, and I suppose I did so little work (sat there silently) that T didn't want to see me more often?? I think i was waiting (again)--waiting for her to create an agenda, tell me when to come, tell me what to do, etc. But she would always just ask "When would you like to come back?" and I would think "LIKE to come back? Never." Since I could never really answer that question (more silence), she would then suggest "How about...next month?" Well--even when I wanted to say "Can I come back tomorrow?" I was too proud/ashamed to "beg" like that! I also wanted to know that she wanted me to come back (wanted her to beg me???). I was embarrassed to ask for more, to let her see that I needed her and actually wanted to do the work... I was also afraid/angry to think I would somehow become a "sucker" (sorry, can't think of a better term; this is an American expression) by trusting/believing in her "care"--when really (in my mind), she would just be faking it, doing a job, pretending to care. I am slowly getting over this resistance/defense, but I don't ever tell T directly that I "need" her. I kind of squirm every time she refers to "our Relationship." I sometimes think she says it for the purpose of making me squirm!

OK, one last thing: I think I would be uncomfortable too--lying on a couch. Just lying down in general... It seems so contrary to my hyper-alert anxiety during sessions! I just like the idea of T not being able to see my face. A few weeks ago, she sat down on the couch, about 2 feet away from me and sort of turned her body to face me. I felt like an idiot, but I had to turn my head/face about 45 degrees away from her, so I was staring at the wall and wondering if she was really going to sit there the whole session? luckily, she didn't, but i'm still surprised/embarrassed/confused at how unsettling that was.

I may be silent for a bit now, because I have deadlines at work this week, and I'm going to break my silence on an important topic in my Thursday session--unless I lose my nerve! I hope to "talk" with you again, puppet, if/when you feel like it

RabbitEars

rabbitears, that is an amazing post and i could have written it word for word. i'm a little triggered by this thread but am following ... jjust wanted to say good on you all cuz this is really, really tough stuffff. i hope to be back. just sending hugs to all of you

I too, have trouble talking in therapy. T once told me she doesn't know anybody else who has as much trouble talking, as I do. I want to but my brain just won't cooperate. I can feel the words in my head but can't seem to get them to my lips. She has asked me if I want to write something down on a tablet but I don't like the idea of her watching me as I write. Guess I am difficult.
One time when I wanted to tell her something really important she offered to turn her chair in a different direction. That actually helped in that circumstance.

It sounds like this is a very common condition among forum members. Good luck to all in your quest to be known.

hi rabbitears,
no, i definetely dont wish i hadn't started this thread! i'm glad you posted and that i'm getting to know you. you are so open in your posts, i think its only a matter of time before you can do this in your therapy as well.

however, i do find that the longer threads go on, the more insecure i feel and feel like i'm running out of words, like i have already used up my 'time' and nobody wants to listen anyway. just wanted to explain in case i sound a bit different. i am trying to push past this though.

yes, i had my first session after the 6 weeks break last week (the 'mute' session). she did reply to my email the week before the session (so almost 5 weeks of waiting after i emailed and 2 weeks or so after my voicemail). this is probably a huge reason why i couldnt talk, i was/ am still angry with her. i feel like she could have prevented this if she had told me that she wasnt contactable. but i didnt ask - and maybe that is my fault?... thank you for asking, and sorry for venting again.

i am really sorry your T wasnt more proactive and helpful in establishing a schedule that would have worked better. do you think that if she had said that it is best to come more often, i.e. once a week, you would have accepted that? i know a lot of Ts actually believe that you would only do once a month as a 'maintenance' sort of therapy, not when you have lots of issues to address. sorry if i'm being critical of your T and it's uncomfortable for you. i struggle with this, what is the balance for them - between reaching out / helping us reach out and just sitting there and waiting!!?? my T has also told me i'm pretty passive (which made me really angry but i didn't say anything at the time).

my previous T would sit forward sometimes so that she was quite close, i told her she was in my personal space but she was doing it on purpose.... so uncomfortable and i dont even have the words for what else! i think your T should warn you when / if she does that, or she should ask you if you're ok with it. my T now really keeps her distance (i dont know if she adjusts the distance with different clients, cos i think some people might find it too far, but its a good distance for me).

ok, good luck with you deadlines and chat again whenever.

____

hi closed doors,
hugs to you too and i'm sorry you identify with a lot of this!

____

hi becca,
i'm sorry you have trouble with this too. i dont think YOU are difficult, you're just having a hard time with something. (yes, i should say this to myself too).

i got some good ideas from this thread, now its just a matter of putting them into practice...
something else that just occurred to me, i think its the pressure that we put on ourselves (to talk, say something important but dangerous etc) which makes the inner conflict escalate and then it becomes impossible to talk. or at least, i feel like that happens to me. i read a book with a very good chapter on resistance which had some good ideas (it was mainly written for therapists but i found it very useful)... well one of them was that its important for Ts to teach their clients that when they actively try to overcome their resistance, it acts to increase their resistance... i'm probably not phrasing it well... here is the link to a post about this book: http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...3017001#469003017001

ok, now i am out of words... thank you everyone and hugs

puppet

RT, that is one way to put it, lol.

really liked that RT!! made me smile before my session.
it went a lot better, but i think its one of those 'flukes'... i never know when it goes better and i talk more why that is exactly, i think i felt differently from the beginning, i wasnt too overwhelmed with anger.
i'm still angry at her, we havent really sorted it. but i liked that i told her why i was angry, and then i said ' is that all you have to say about it?' while looking her straight in the eye (well for a millisecond!) - because she didn't really say that she was sorry or explained... anyway she said that after, but it felt forced to me and i told her i dont believe her.

just a quick update - and thanks everyone!

puppet

Wow, puppet! You are braver than I am! It is almost impossible for me to admit to being angry with T. I have barely started to do that, and I start by saying "I think I probably misunderstood, but..." Or as soon as T explains, I say "Oh nonono, it's OK, I understand!" I am not brave at all with anger.

Hurray for your session! It's a victory (flukes count!)! I am getting more scared by the minute, with my session starting in 2 hours and me planning to reveal information I never have before--in writing this time. Still terrifying though! More later...

RabbitEars

good luck, bunnyears!! don't put too much pressure on yourself, but know that you're brave too!!
hope it goes well

puppet

well, i did it. i "spoke" on paper about secrets I've kept for 35 years. I was shaking before I went in, but then somehow shifted to not feeling much at all. But it's good....and scary--not sure which feeling will "win"

Thanks for your encouragement, puppet. i am kind of in shock about my session. not in a bad way, but just--it seems like the part i thought would be hard (the telling) might be the easiest part and the harder part is yet to come??

RabbitEars/bunnyears

I haven't read all of your responses yet, but I felt this post "spoke" to me, so I needed to respond. I am a T in training and I'm having the hardest time talking! I'm great at listening and being empathetic, but when it comes to talking, reflecting someone's feelings back to them, summarizing what they just said, I FREEZE up and words may or may not come to my head and NOTHING comes out of my mouth! Blah! My professor was not too pleased with me and told me that I need to push myself harder to speak and use the skills that I've just learned.
In my personal therapy I'm struggling to talk with my new therapist too. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to her. At times we click fairly well and are able to talk about therapy related books, lectures, classes, and such, but when it comes to talking about my feelings...I'm stuck again! WTH is wrong with me?
I've been stressed out due to all I'm juggling right now, so that might be part of it.

I just wanted to let you all know that there is someone who is training to be a T, who does understand the mute thing. My thoughts are with you.

I would love to write more, but I need to get to bed.

Well done RabbitEars!!

That was a huge step, there will be many more difficult steps to come, but that first one is so important.

You should feel so proud of yourself, I bet T is proud of you too!

Thank you, Starlight! I feel pretty good, maybe a little bit proud. T didn't use the "P" word, but I think she might have been as shocked as me --not because of what I wrote, but because I wrote at all.

...I do have habit of resting for long periods of time after any difficult task (housework comes to mind), so we'll see how well I do with the difficult steps to come...

Thank you so much for your support!
RabbitEars

quote:

Athenacus

Athenacus, wow....I had never thought about how it would be to be lost for words as a T! You know, when the T is sitting there silently, I just figure she's waiting for me to say something more important, or wanting me to think about what I just said. Unless I ask a direct question, I guess I accept T's silences as her...knowing what she's doing?

I don't know how T does it, but I definitely have a sense of her calmness (as opposed to my constant anxiety), especially in the silences, so maybe words aren't always necessary to help someone feel heard/supported/comforted. But I can see how it would feel very uncomfortable as a T to have your mind go blank just when someone is asking for or needing a verbal response!

It's reassuring to know, though, that someone in training to be a T has to struggle with some of these issues too. Thanks for your perspective!

RabbitEars

Oops, I cross-posted with you, RT. Thanks for acknowledging this "baby step." It was big for me. Proud seems like a vulnerable feeling in this situation... And with three posts in a row, I'm also feeling a liiiittle self-conscious so I will stop now.

Thank you for cheering me on.
RabbitEars

way to go rabbityears!!! i think that is huge... i know how hard it is to bring these secrets out to someone, you're waiting for the lightning to strike, but it won't. it's ok now, it's your life and your voice and you can use it.

i hope you can continue feeling proud of yourself!

puppet