Having a rupture with T. He made some questionable calls and maybe outright mistakes our last couple of sessions, especially Monday, when he was in his own stuff from not feeling well and should have sent me home.

I've spent the last couple of days terrified that things were going to fall apart. Basically, that I'd be blamed for those mistakes, because my instability causes him to respond differently to me than to other clients, than maybe he should. That he would finally realize I was toxic, ruin relationships, turn people bad, and have to retreat to protect both of us. I finally heard back from him that all is well and nothing has changed, so I guess that it will be OK.

Except, objectively, he probably did make some really bad calls on top of just being not at all attuned to me when I was trying to share, which caused me to shut down. I know I should talk to him, at the very least to say that it is more protective of me to send me home (despite disappointment) than to try to push through and work around not sending me home. I offered to go home at least three times. Then again, I pretty much always offer at least once per session out of pure shame. Part of it was...just bad decisions...and part was I got super triggered by both his stress and something random he said that may have triggered a major anxiety for me, if not a part of a memory, that basically caused me to perceive him temporarily as a potential abuser.

I know I have to talk to him about this, but when I think about it, the terror of all that stuff comes back. The terror that it will all be put on my shoulders as something I caused by being broken, complicated, difficult. I mean, I don't even want an apology from him. I get that he's human and really worn out and will make mistakes and not always be able to discern and act perfectly in my best interest. But, he's safe, and I should be able to tell him when it causes me distress. I just don't know how to do it without feeling annihilated.

It's like I'm reliving this cycle of being abused or neglected, then my caregiver feeling insecure or bad, then being blamed or asked to take responsibility for them not being able to handle their internal conflict with their self-image as "good parent," then being abandoned as a result of it, like it's impossible to relate to me without abusing me, so I must be ruining them. I think it's dad stuff, mostly, or maybe it's a combination of both. It's really heavy transference and so confusing. I really don't know how to explain it to T without fearing he'll hear it as an accusation, rather than simply my own distress, concerns, and boundaries. It's not like I believe T doesn't care...it's almost like I really have internalized that it's impossible for someone to do so without me either destroying them or turning them bad.

Anyway, sorry I'm being vague. I've gotten varying responses to the couple of people I've told, including H. Like, that it was a huge mistake and needs to be addressed or like, H's, "And...so what? He's human, it happens." I'm scared of everyone judging my T if I post more specifically about it. It's really...not good...but it's his stuff and an area I'm aware of him having issues with, specifically with when he seems to be getting ill.

I did already talk to him, in that session, about how what he mentioned triggered a fear of him turning bad. And I did mention right away that I had shut down on a few topics, because it seemed like he wasn't hearing me or didn't find them important. And even tried to tell him that his own stress was affecting me deeply. I basically apologized for detaching and explained that I was getting really anxious. Then later, that it was kind of "osmosis," but he didn't understand right away that I meant his stress was deeply affecting me, so I felt so wrong and couldn't explain it further.

I know part of all of this was just setting up for failure. Because, one of the questionable calls he made on Fri (previous session) actually had a profound, positive, connective (attachment) effect on me. So, even though I immediately thought, "See, I'm turning him bad, because he's getting too close, and it's going to break everything," it actually created a major shift inside, attachment-wise. So, I had already entered in with a kind of acceptance of that attachment, and at the same time, a resistance and terror about it. So, for Monday to go so bad was heightened by the fear of how close things had felt with me sharing something important to me and him helping me through how hard it was.

Anyway, I'm rambling here, but I am feeling really confused about how to work through this with T, despite the terror of annihilation or abandonment...or worse, destroying T with my toxicity somehow. And especially terrified to tell him about accepting the attachment and how that makes things so much more confusing right now. Sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I'm asking for here. And sorry I'm not much support to anyone right now. It's been like a crisis roller coaster lately for me.

Thanks for reading.