Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I am trying to figure out how to put what I wanted to say without sounding like such a downer or a burden and I don't know if that's even possible. Bottom line I lost a treasured psychologist and while I connected with a psychologist who is clearly a good person I have gone steadily downhill in the past 2 years. I used to at least be able to connect with the conception of hope and that has long been gone. I tried several people very briefly before settling in with my psychologist and nothing ever fit until I met my current psychologist. But the only time I ever moved well ahead and really knew someone understood was with the psychologist who I am not seeing anymore. It sounds nuts but I just haven't adjusted to what is a night and day difference in the way psychologists work - approaches used, what the psychologist believes - one was more cognitive and psychodynamic whereas my newer psychologist believes generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, panic, depression, PTSD - and the way that I can never get the constancy of so many stressful worries and thoughts out of my head, to the point it is driving me crazy - is all a way that my mind is allowing me to avoid getting on with life and moving forward. The problem is she has it backwards. It's pointless saying so, she is rock solid in what she believes. I realize that simply talking about issues is useless in terms of managing and getting a handle on the severe anxiety - and it is all at the severe end of the spectrum now - but she doesn't do anything other than psychodynamic - bordering on analytic work. Doing my own work out of CBT workbooks has not been particularly helpful. I am tired, worn out, severely depressed as well and I can't start this whole process of therapy over again with someone new. It's an agonizing thing for me to do. That she sees things so differently and that what I say doesn't register at all makes me feel useless. Why say anything? She is a disciple of someone very strong minded in the community of psychologists and sometimes I feel like I have her mentor in the office speaking instead of her. I feel like she hasn't individuated into her "own being" as a psychologist. I tried the person she has studies with for many years, did therapy with and now does supervision with, and he drove me nuts. Two sessions and I was fleeing. His thinking just was too bizarre for me and I knew I'd get absolutely nowhere. I didn't realize for awhile that my current shrink is so close with this guy. I'm sure he is a nice person and a good person. But his style is not for me. In some ways I am just too sensitive. But I honestly have times where I realize what my shrink is saying is exactly what her mentor would be saying. There is a group of therapists locally who idolize this guy and maybe they see and experience something I am oblivious to - but personally I think he enjoys the attention of these intense devotees. I'm not so sure I am wrong. He has a huge ego. That's partly what I was so turned off with when I met him.

So I feel like a hostage at times. I want the old therapy I had and that's long gone. But it worked and there was a good chance for doing healing work. I hated the process of trying therapists to find one to work with and when I connected with my shrink I thought we'd be fine. Well I didn't think two people could be so different in terms of how they practice, think, you name it. Both are very nice and kind. I am not meaning to in any way put anyone down. I just don't believe anymore that any goodness will come from anything. I feel like I have been depressed for so long now that there isn't really a viable chance of ever being well or with the types of anxiety. It is debilitating. I am going through a separation and that and many other things, mostly losses have worn me down to nothing. I feel reduced to absolutely nothing. Have any of you ever been to this hell? Because it is hell. I haven't have a "good day" in so long I could not tell you when I last had one - it's years. I just cannot see how I am possibly going to get any better. I feel I am a failure at everything and I have failed this as well and am unhealable/untreatable. I just feel like a monumental burden. And I terribly miss the therapy and therapist I had. It was a very sad and traumatic ending. But these things happen.