Hi Hals,
I wish I had more answers about this. Do you feel constantly stuck in one place, or does it feel more like you are taking a few steps forward and then a few steps backward, and so on back and forth, but without any real "net" progress? That is how it is for me, the back and forth thing. I am scared to get too optimistic when things seem to be going better because how do I know it will stay that way? Sometimes it feels more like the calm before the next storm. Sorry, I know this isn't much help!

MH...thanks for the response...for a long time now it feels as if I take one step forward two steps back. Part of it I think is me not wanting to disappoint my T. Sometimes I think that I'm not being 100% honest in therapy..not that I'm lying about anything, but that I don't fully let him know how I feel for fear that he will think the way I feel is not justified. Sometimes I think that way because I don't feel it is justified that I feel the way I do. I go through the guilt of feeling I have no good reason to be in therapy. I suppose it is the old stigma that you had to suffer some great trauma in order to justify being in therapy. On a consious level, I know that is not accurate, but my sub-consious tells me that I have a pretty ok life and shouldn't be feeling this way. ...it's kind of like when my parents would say...."you wanna cry young lady, well I'll give you something to cry about."

I agree with many other posters in other threads that sometimes I wish I would have never started this therapy venture...it some days just seems too hard!

Hi Hals and MH

I am also feeling stuck. While I have learnt to be honest in therapy and learnt to speak up for myself I am stuck with distracting myself with very unhealthy behaviours like obsessing and anxiety.

quote:

Sometimes I think that way because I don't feel it is justified that I feel the way I do. I go through the guilt of feeling I have no good reason to be in therapy. I suppose it is the old stigma that you had to suffer some great trauma in order to justify being in therapy

I have been and I still am very stuck with this. My exT always said the same thing: that it was because I was conditioned by my entire family that my feelings and emotions and physical pain was not important, in fact did not exist. My mother is a narcissist and unless we were praising her or giving her sympathy then we were ignored or abused.

Another reason for me is that I do not remember most of my childhood and choose destructive behaviours to distract myself from any memories I do have. So I also think to myself that I do not deserve help or attention or healing because 1. I have not had a serious trauma and 2. I do not deserve a good life.

I guess one of the best things I have learnt, like I said above, is to be 100% honest about what I am feeling. I know that this is easier said than done but it is the therapist's job to take it on board and contain it. I really don't care anymore if what I am feeling is being judged or not because if I feel a reaction to what I think my T is thinking about me I will then be honest about that too. It is very liberating to find that you have a safe place to feel your own feelings and give them a voice - and the only way you can find that place is to give it a try and see if it works.

While I may not feel so judged by the therapist I am still extremely judgemental and harsh on myself.

So if this makes sense, talk about feeling not justified to have the feelings that you have. About your worries that your T thinks you don't deserve to be in therapy...and that therapy is painful.

Wow, are we twins or something? I feel I can totally relate to every word of your post. Which is probably not good for you because I am trying to figure all this out myself.

I think I subconsciously look for ways that my T invalidates me, because in my insecurity I expect it to happen. But then when I think I have found evidence of it, it makes me angry. I wrote about my latest experience in another thread, Define Trauma, Please.

Hals, for me I think the thing holding me back from being completely honest with my T is that I don't fully trust her enough. I don't trust that she will genuinely be there for me, that she will allow me to be dependent without being shamed for it. I don't trust if she is being 100% real, because we all know that T's/P's encounter countertransference which they try to hide from their clients. From what I have read from the others posting here, it takes time to develop that kind of trust, and then sometimes it gets shattered anyway. What I don't know is how much of the responsibility to build this trust is ours, and how much is on the shoulders of our T's? Is your P/T doing his part to reassure you and reach you? Are you doing your part to take risks and test him? These are questions I have been asking myself.

Yes it is shattering to reach out and trust and then to be let down. My exT became too involved, revealed his feelings of countertransference, was warm and then extremely cold, allowed and encouraged me to trust and lean on him and then ended abruptly only to let me go back and repeat the cycle endlessly..... these were his mistakes not mine. Yes it is was me that suffered but from this forum I have learnt so much....that not all ts do this and that I can learn from his mistakes and go on to a new T and try again.

I say go for it, trust!!! Then come here and talk about how it went. It is the ts responsibility to encourage us to trust them and then most importantly to contain everything you entrust them with. To hold the boundaries and to aid healing.

quote:

Are you doing your part to take risks and test him?

I guess we really are going back to our childhood doing this therapy. That sounds so much like what a child has to do and it is just the same for us now.

Hals, I'm sorry you are feeling stuck. Your description of feeling like you are sliding off the backside of the mountain is very vivid and I can relate to it. I've heard people say that feelings aren't real, they're just feelings, they come and go. (I wish I could remember that when I'm in the feelings) It's good that you have concrete accomplishments that you can look at to confirm that you really are making progress. To verify that you haven't slid back down the mountain even if it feels that way sometimes.

I don't know how much help I can be because by the end of my therapy session today I was feeling stuck too. I told her I'm tired of feeling so sad, anxious, depressed, and preoccupied so much of the time. My T tried to reassure me that I'm not where I was when I started therapy over a year and a half ago. I'm not totally sure about that. If it's true, then I'm not sure that where I am now is necessarily better. She said at any rate, I'm working hard, trying to live "real", and that living "real" is harder and more painful sometimes, but she'd rather do that than live in a way that is shut down or escaping. I wanted to agree with her, but I admit sometimes I wish I could shut down or escape.

On a more positive note, I had an unexpected reprieve this weekend. Our girls had a "slumber party" at Grama's so it was just me and the hubby at home. Usually this sends me into a panic, looking for ways to avoid him, because we hardly ever connect mentally or emotionally, and I usually come away from failed attempts feeling highly frustrated, disappointed, and lonelier than ever. Well, starting on Saturday this feeling of contentment and well-being came over me and I was able to be present with him and just hang out with him and be okay, up to about Sunday afternoon, when it started to evaporate. This might not sound like much, but it felt nearly like heaven to me, because I hardly ever have felt that way in my life, let alone with him.

My T and I looked at what happened this weekend and talked about what I (we - me and my husband) can do to keep the connection going. Right now the feelings of sadness and anxiety are back but there is also hope that things can get better, if it was good like this for a little while.

About the shattered feeling - that is something I had a reprieve from this weekend, too, and it felt marvelous. There are so many ways I've tried to process the shattered feelings that I can't even count them anymore. But I want to grow, and I want to be a trusting person. I trusted my former T, and my worst fears came true. As much as I hate it, there's nothing I can do to go back and undo it. So now I have to deal with this shattered feeling. And I only have two choices, really: stay shattered, or pick up the pieces and try again (but a little wiser this time).

Well, I know for a fact that staying shattered would suck. So I came here and opened up, and received so much help and support and encouragement to keep going. And I think anyone motivated enough to be here, if the worst were to happen, would respond pretty much the same way. There is really no way we can control our T's responses to us. All we can do is step out in trust, and hope for the best. But no matter what happens, we really want healing, and we will find it.

That reminds me of one of my favorite novels. It is called "Broken For You". It is kind of a quirky story about several people brought together through unusual circumstances and how they form a "family" of sorts. There is tons of character development about each person has been "broken" in their lives and how it adds to their character and gives them certain gifts that they can then pass on to others. There is also some pretty awesome symbolism in the story but I don't want to give that away for anyone who might want to read it. If you want to know more details, PM me and I'll tell you more.

quote:

Originally posted by Mad Hatter:
I think I subconsciously look for ways that my T invalidates me, because in my insecurity I expect it to happen. But then when I think I have found evidence of it, it makes me angry.

This is interesting. It makes me angry, too. But isn't this a good anger? Doesn't it mean that we are defending something we know to be true about ourselves? Something we care about in ourselves enough to stand up for it? Is this a sign of self-confidence? Maybe that core part of ourselves that we value, that is the reason we are seeking healing in the first place? And if we are able to get angry at being invalidated, do we really need their validation in the first place?

This is the tentative conclusion I've come to regarding some angry feelings I've had, remembering some of the ways in which I perceived that my former T invalidated my thoughts and feelings, mostly from the way the termination happened.

Okay I've gone on long enough, again...I certainly do get rambling on. Thank you everyone for being here.
SG

Oh dear, I have so much to say here but its midnight my time and I really must get to bed. I'll try to post tomorrow morning.

But in the meantime, SG you are describing your healing. Those short times of feeling clearer and more centered will come more often and stay longer. So be encouraged, you may not be able to see it but you're changing and for the better.

AG

Thanks, AG! I hadn't thought of this as a sign of my healing at all, but it is very encouraging to hear you say that, especially because it brings to mind other posts of yours where you've described short times of feeling clearer coming more often and staying longer. That gives me a lot of hope. Thank you!
SG