I have been struggling with a difficult subject for the past few months and it has literally taken over my life. I have become "obsessed" with my my T and initially went into therapy because of attachment issues with other people in the past, but neither she nor I realized (at least she seemed as shocked as I was when I told her about it) that I would become emotionally attached to her. I don't think she took me all that seriously or realized the progressive nature of my attachment from where it starts out as random intrusive thoughts and ends up as this OCD thing where I can't get thoughts of her out of my head and then I am searching for stuff about her on the internet to relieve the anxiety about the obsession, which then just really creates more anxiety. I know where she lives (never driven by her house, though--and don't plan on it either). I have seen a photo of her husband online and know where he works as well as his professional bio info posted on his employer's web page which tells some stuff about where they have lived throughout the country. I know all of her grown children's names and ages, their spouses names, some of their children's names and where they live. I know where she and her husband both grew up, her parents' names, her in-laws' names, each of their siblings' names. I've seen some photos of all but one of her sons and his wife and two of their kids. I know that one of her sons has lived with a bunch of different women and that he has had a drinking problem, which are both highly looked down on in our religious organization (that's the main thing I don't like knowing, and feel that she would feel threatened by knowing that I know, as she also runs an alcohol/substance abuse recovery program at the hospital). I could go on, but you get the idea, and that mostly sums it up. I don't know her birthday, much personal info about her (i.e. her interests, likes, dislikes, etc.). It's all fairly impersonal stuff, if you know what I mean. It's free, publicly available info and I wouldn't pay to learn more about her. I don't stalk this woman (unless what I've done by searching this stuff is considered stalking), I just want to know as much as I can about her. She doesn't disclose much, although she has confirmed certain things that I have found out about her online during some of our conversations without knowing that she is confirming them.

Anyway, I feel a lot of shame and guilt over this. So much so that I feel like I absolutely have to tell her about it. Last session I told her I have OCD and I just don't think she really believes me about the Compulsive part. I told her I have obsessive thoughts about her and she was a bit surprised. So I am feeling that maybe I need to spill ALL of the beans and just tell her everything. But part of me (and it's a fairly strong and seemingly large part) is terrified that if I do, she's going to absolutely freak out and tell me to get the he** out of her office and never come back. The other part of me feels that I need to do this because if that is her reaction at least I will know that she is not the therapist to help me deal with my abandonment/attachment issues and I will be "free" to look for someone who can. It's all really terrifying though.

She has been not really focused on any one sort of therapy with me. She's a real advice giver, which sometimes I really like. She listens to me, sometimes self-discloses, but it's only stuff that is relevant to what she's working through with me at the time, and is a caring and genuine lady. She's a very motherly type and I think I need that. She has told me she doesn't want me to be too dependent on her, which makes me worry that if she understands just how much I am attached/obsessed with her, she will dump me. I think she is mostly CBT based, as she started schema therapy with me, but she also does EMDR and likely a few different things as she works with trauma victims a lot.

Anyway, someone mentioned to me in a reply to another of my posts that some of you have disclosed to your Ts that you have searched them online and that some have had positive experiences with your Ts. I guess I'm really looking for some hope and encouragement and some positive "energy" to get me psyched up enough to actually go through with this. Also, I can't decided whether to do it through a letter, or verbally. I easily get tongue-tied (or maybe tear-tied would be a better description) and my brain sort of freezes up when faced with frightening situations like this so that I don't think clearly and probably wouldn't remember even a quarter of what I need to talk to her about.

Anyway, any helpful advice or even just experiences good or bad would be appreciated. I want to know what I am really up against here, for better or worse!

Thanks!
MTF