Forgetmenot,
I wish I could help but I'm not in the UK. I just wish I could help but all I can do is wish you well...it breaks my heart to read how badly you feel. Just do what you have to do to stay safe. I'm so sorry.
Hopeful

(((((FMN)))))

Just wanted to send some I am sorry it hurts so much.

Liese

FMN, I have no words for you, I'm sorry, but I want to do as Hopeful and Liese did and send hugs!

FMN,

Not sure how it works in the UK, but hopefully you can ask a doctor how to go about getting a professional psychiatric assessment. Oxford University might have a psychiatriac department or college with knowledgeable professors who work in the field as well as teach.

It's possible that you could have depersonalization disorder on top of your primary dx. Maybe an antipsychotic commonly used to treat depression could help? Many people take them for depression, or for an adjunct. Depersonalization symptoms can be similar to depression symptoms. Here in the US, with 15 minute appointments, I'm not sure if a psychiatrist would even catch something like that unless they knew you really well, after time. Sorry if I sound like a drug commercial, but think of Strummergirl's experience with medications (for inspiration?):

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...6926001#788006926001

Relationships = pain for me, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. It's just right now, I am not as concerned about my relationships as perhaps you are. Getting my life back together right now (Maslow's hierarchy of needs)....

It wouldn't hurt to inquire about a trauma therapist and a psychiatric assessment.
I'm sorry you are suffering so much.

Hope it gets better real soon. (((hugs)))

FMN:

Sending more

Hope you find "home" soon. Reminding me of my "ghost" days. I would not wish that on anyone.

Anchor here!

Hi FMN
Yes, your GP should be able to refer you to psychiatric services if they feel it is warranted, that many years ago is how I first came into contact with more formal services. You don't mention where in the UK you are but in my neck of the woods, they have formal inpatient and out patient services (most folks go via out patients for that initial consult), they also have community mental health services teams which are roughly split into 2. One lot work long term with people in the community helping them with everything from accessing benefits, to daily living - I once had good support from a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) from one of these teams; and the other are what is generally called crisis intervention teams (who work short term usually one or two weeks to keep folks out of hospital and in your own home), they are very interdisciplinary and can refer people on to other services as well. Just a thought if that all seems a bit scary have you got a local Mind branch, mine were very helpful to me and they run all kinds of activities including some counselling which could be a stop gap whilst you are waiting to see the psychiatrist. Also very helpful and understanding are SANE line, I've put the links below for you, in case you want to explore, SANE also has a good phone line service, and they do understand really
http://www.mind.org.uk/(a lot of the local ones offer befriending services too which can help if you feel a bit on your own)
http://www.sane.org.uk/
In the meantime - keep reaching out here and sending you JMB

Thankyou everyone. Wow, it means so much for these replies

I woke up this morning feeling lonely. I've numbed T out and feel like I've almost accepted she's going to go. There's just not much feelings anymore.

I'm so used to being alone that sometimes it doesn't feel like loneliness, it just feels like what it should feel like. The reminder that T is going has made all this happen.

Last night wasn't easy. I was at my University library. It is open 24/7. I wanted to study and stay there for the whole night. Or I wanted to take a holiday. Its my escapist ways coming into play again. Getting home wasn't so bad as I thought but I think once again, I just accepted the loneliness. I've accepted it from birth onward. I've sort of given up hope I think.

I think one of the main reasons for normalizing it is that I had to. All my aunts, cousins, uncles and grandparents live in one State in America. They'd shower me with love and affection when I was there for a month each year but on coming back tot he UK, I would get nowhere near that kind of treatment. From a very, very young age I learnt to deal with the hurt alone and cut off. Which may explain why I feel the way I do about all my relationships now...unless its close, intimate ones.

I guess I'm learning to accept how lonely I feel and even though I cut out most times, I always feel footloose. I always feel like escaping underneath. I always want to travel the world forever.

I'm scared of getting a psychiatric assessment because of what they might think. On the outside I look as if I'm doing well. I laugh, I can joke and talk to people fine. They might think I'm wasting they're time. But I think I will have to go. This way of living is really sad in reality.

I only feel like I'm in a crisis when I get intimate or close to someone, like T. Other than that, I feel nothing.

Ihope one day I can get over this and that we can all get over our sadness and pain. I also hope that maybe one day I can move to America to be with the family. We'll see..

((((FMN))))

"I only feel like I'm in a crisis when I get intimate or close to someone, like T. Other than that, I feel nothing."



It sounds like the attachment feelings cause you a lot of distress. Hopefully you'll be able to work through those feelings so that you will no longer feel "nothing". I've been there and I know it's not a great place to be.

Liese

Hi Liese. Thankyou. Yes it hurts bad. I want to get through it and be able to connect with the world without feeling alone and isolated.

I'm really up and down today. One moment I'm thinking of T and feeling sick and then next moment I'm okay.

I've been thinking of cutting all week but I haven't done it. I'm not that far yet. I will need to start therapy before therapy with T ends. I won't make it alone.

Seeing T on saturday is going to make me feel sick. So scary to see her. She encompasses everything that I've missed out...a connection, someone who listens, someone who understands, someone who is nice to me, someone who likes me, compassion, everything.

So strong all of this stuff. I feel like this is the first time in my life that someone is listening. Its why its so hard to envision life without her.

Also she reminds me of how my family are just not like me. They brush they're emotions under the carpet. They don't question anything. They are narrow minded in that way. I don't feel that I fit in with them, though I do love and care...but intellectually, I don't feel a connection. And I feel angry at my grandparents for not accepting that I am a gay woman when my cousin who is 15 years of age can introduce his girlfriend of 1 year to the family and my grandfather saying to me that he will never want to meet my girlfriend when i have one, on grounds of differences.

Its amazing how he was a doctor all of his life and he believes in religious myticism to uphold his beliefs about how life should be directed. I would have thought that studying the genetics of a human being and being aware of the fact that the human organism is so complicated that it is virtually impossible to be subscribing an IDEA into a fact without any sort of proof. Oh but no, he doesnt think. I'm not second best to anyone. Talking to my therapist made me realise this. She accepts me for everything I am. This is a huge release for me. This makes me sad, happy, angry and everything else. It puts in place how I should stand up for myself and insist that I am not second best.

But how can you convince an 82 year old man that things can be different when he never thought of it otherwise? It seems that in my case, he cannot.

What do I do then? Remain frustrated and angry? Push him to change his opinions? Make ultimatums? Will that work?

Must I find total acceptance in my friends. It certainly feels like it. My entire family are not like this but my immediate family are. I seem to have been born into a group of people who just don't think at all. They just follow the crowd of subscribers, the lemmings. I'm tired of that. I am NOT that person. I question, query, analyze. Sure worry is a part of it as it is a part of my condition I go through, but I do the thing that everyone should be doing and that is to question whats given to you. My family don't do that.

Oh, FMN, I wish you weren't in such a lonely, confusing place. I get it. In many ways I relate to what you write, even about forgetting about people and escaping somehow. For me it's work. I reach full time, have two part time jobs, finishing my masters, and I'm a single parent. When I'm nit busy, I'm numbing out - or worse - feeling the deep pains of depression.

May I ask what keeps you from moving to be near your loving extended family? Could that help you feel connected? I used to think I should move back to be near my grandma because she was the only person who my existence mattered to. But I kept putting it off and then she died last May.

I think you should look for a diagnosis if it will ease your mind. Sometimes I wish my T or Odic would tell me what they think, but they don't. I never really ask because I don't really want to know.

It sucks that loneliness feels normal. I wish for you to feel love and caring don't give up on yourself!

Hi Raven,

Well I can't move to America to be with my family as I'm in the UK.

I'm so panicky over myself.

I don't know how I feel and what I don't feel. I'm scared of numbing myself.

I can't eat. I can only sleep.

I want to self-harm but even I can't do that.

Nothing is working. I'm numbing. I know I'm doing it and I can't reverse it

How are you now? I have just now read this thread and sorry I did not get here sooner, I am in the UK and know a bit about the system.

A GP can refer you to have an assessment by a clinical psychologist. You have to be really REALLY upfront about how bad your symptoms are, as these guys are under staffed and trying to weed people OUT of their books. I got a really REALLY good psychologist that way, but it was a three month wait from asking GP to getting to see the P.

Then you are in good hands and it is free.

If you ARE in Oxford, they offer MBSR classes to students there and have a really good mindfulness team. that can be helpful too.

I know a brilliant psychiatrist in Oxford but they have brilliant psychologists too.

Sorry you are having such a hard time.