Jullundur
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Hi K! It's good to "meet" you. 
I'm so sorry to hear that your T is treating you so badly. FWIW, I don't think you sound immature...but his behavior certainly does. It sounds like he's experiencing some kind of counter-transference. Usually T's consult with other T's on a regular basis in order to work through any counter-transference they're experiencing, specifically so they do not take it out on their patients, the way he is taking it out on you.
If you've read my other posts you know I experienced something similar with my former T. To his credit, he was consulting with his review team on a regular basis and trying to manage it, like he's supposed to, but his fear and irritation still leaked through in lots of little ways. Compared to the relationship I have with my current T, the one with him seemed so precarious, as if it took a lot of work just to keep it right-side-up. It's hard to do therapy when that's the case, but then it was my first real therapy experience so I kept trying, hoping it would get better. But it finally tipped over.
It's a relief to have a T now who understands me a lot better, with whom it isn't such a struggle to be understood. The only times I ever cried with my former T were out of frustration or hurt by the way he was acting or something he said that clearly showed he was not hearing me at all. Now when I cry, it's related to something from my past, and not because I feel frustrated or hurt by my T. I actually feel safe with her. I'm making progress in the therapy because my efforts are going into the therapy now, and not into trying to please her or keep her from getting angry.
Regarding counter-transference, CT put it really well in a recent post to me:
I hope this helps to clarify what you need to do so that you can do your therapy. The most obvious recommendation would be to talk to him about it, but when you tried that, his response was to shut you down. There's not much you can do with that. And I do not think you should have to put up with his behavior toward you. That's why we go to therapy, why we pay them, to have it be about our needs only so we can get some work done. It is a really hard job, which is why it's so important for T's to have done their own work and have support in place for them to work through counter-transference if necessary. I would suggest that you look around, try interviewing a few other T's to see if they are a better "fit" for you.
Again, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. To be treated this way by a T is so painful and confusing and disappointing. One more thing, please do not fall in to the trap of thinking this is your fault or that you deserve it. Some T's are just not going to be a good fit for us, for reasons that have nothing to do with us.
Please keep us posted on how it's going and what you decide to do.
SG
I'm so sorry to hear that your T is treating you so badly. FWIW, I don't think you sound immature...but his behavior certainly does. It sounds like he's experiencing some kind of counter-transference. Usually T's consult with other T's on a regular basis in order to work through any counter-transference they're experiencing, specifically so they do not take it out on their patients, the way he is taking it out on you.
If you've read my other posts you know I experienced something similar with my former T. To his credit, he was consulting with his review team on a regular basis and trying to manage it, like he's supposed to, but his fear and irritation still leaked through in lots of little ways. Compared to the relationship I have with my current T, the one with him seemed so precarious, as if it took a lot of work just to keep it right-side-up. It's hard to do therapy when that's the case, but then it was my first real therapy experience so I kept trying, hoping it would get better. But it finally tipped over.
It's a relief to have a T now who understands me a lot better, with whom it isn't such a struggle to be understood. The only times I ever cried with my former T were out of frustration or hurt by the way he was acting or something he said that clearly showed he was not hearing me at all. Now when I cry, it's related to something from my past, and not because I feel frustrated or hurt by my T. I actually feel safe with her. I'm making progress in the therapy because my efforts are going into the therapy now, and not into trying to please her or keep her from getting angry.
Regarding counter-transference, CT put it really well in a recent post to me:
quote:Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Another thing I thought of when reading your post... I know this is hairy b/c of your old T, but countertransference is NOT your concern. It shouldn't even have to be on your radar. I mean obviously it IS because of your experiences, but it's your t's job to manage it. Trying to avoid "causing" countertrasference is practically impossible IMO... I mean, you could sit on the couch and say.... 'frog' or 'hopscotch' and conjure up some sort of internal reaction from your t... but HOPEFULLY, you will never know it. i guess I'm saying... what CAN you talk about if you're trying to avoid countertransference and you don't know your t's sensitivities????? Any and everything has the potential for countertransference.
I hope this helps to clarify what you need to do so that you can do your therapy. The most obvious recommendation would be to talk to him about it, but when you tried that, his response was to shut you down. There's not much you can do with that. And I do not think you should have to put up with his behavior toward you. That's why we go to therapy, why we pay them, to have it be about our needs only so we can get some work done. It is a really hard job, which is why it's so important for T's to have done their own work and have support in place for them to work through counter-transference if necessary. I would suggest that you look around, try interviewing a few other T's to see if they are a better "fit" for you.
Again, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. To be treated this way by a T is so painful and confusing and disappointing. One more thing, please do not fall in to the trap of thinking this is your fault or that you deserve it. Some T's are just not going to be a good fit for us, for reasons that have nothing to do with us.
Please keep us posted on how it's going and what you decide to do.
SG
Hi K,
That's funny about the coincidence. A member of the other board I belong to also asked me whether my name has anything to do with Joe Strummer. It doesn't, I just made it up because I took up guitar a couple of years ago. But I guess I'm also a dork cause I like The Clash, too.
My former T was actually very upbeat and had lots of that "giddy" energy you mentioned, especially in the beginning. Sometimes I saw him in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, so no, I don't think time of day had anything to do with it. He also saw patients back-to-back, and I agree it would be really stressful. I often thought he must have excellent focusing and compartmentalizing abilities to be able to shift gears so many times in one day and still be genuinely present for each and every patient!
What happened with my former T is more or less documented in a few other threads so I don't want to give the details here - it would get way too long. Basically, he tried to help me through my transference feelings for him but I think he became afraid that he would mishandle it somehow. He eventually said he didn't want it to interfere with my marriage. He started consulting with his review team about it, but either he, and/or they, became too uncomfortable with what was going on and abruptly transferred me to another T. The only explanation I ever got was that my feelings were getting in the way of the therapy. But I was willing to face my feelings and work with him to find the clinical meaning, so I don't understand how that could be the reason. I was hoping to get more of an explanation at the transfer meeting, but it was a disaster. With the help of folks on this board I left that clinic and found my current T.
Here are links to the other threads if you want more details:
Long rant - very confused
Waiting...
Found the right T!
As much as I appreciate my current T, I do wish my former T and I had been able to work through the disruption. Supposedly that is when the therapy really takes off, when everything falls apart and breaks out into the open. There was so much he was triggering in me, and if it's true that I was triggering him too, then the containment of therapy could have been a golden opportunity for us both to learn something. I liked him and respected him a great deal, was also very fond of him (obviously) and I hate that things ended the way they did with no chance of repair. I think I'll always feel sad about it to some degree but I'm trying to keep moving forward and let it go as much as I can.
My suggestion to check out other T's was only an idea...if you think there's a way to work through things with your current T, then go for it. At any rate I hope things work out for you one way or the other and I hope you will keep us updated!
SG
That's funny about the coincidence. A member of the other board I belong to also asked me whether my name has anything to do with Joe Strummer. It doesn't, I just made it up because I took up guitar a couple of years ago. But I guess I'm also a dork cause I like The Clash, too.
My former T was actually very upbeat and had lots of that "giddy" energy you mentioned, especially in the beginning. Sometimes I saw him in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, so no, I don't think time of day had anything to do with it. He also saw patients back-to-back, and I agree it would be really stressful. I often thought he must have excellent focusing and compartmentalizing abilities to be able to shift gears so many times in one day and still be genuinely present for each and every patient!
What happened with my former T is more or less documented in a few other threads so I don't want to give the details here - it would get way too long. Basically, he tried to help me through my transference feelings for him but I think he became afraid that he would mishandle it somehow. He eventually said he didn't want it to interfere with my marriage. He started consulting with his review team about it, but either he, and/or they, became too uncomfortable with what was going on and abruptly transferred me to another T. The only explanation I ever got was that my feelings were getting in the way of the therapy. But I was willing to face my feelings and work with him to find the clinical meaning, so I don't understand how that could be the reason. I was hoping to get more of an explanation at the transfer meeting, but it was a disaster. With the help of folks on this board I left that clinic and found my current T.
Here are links to the other threads if you want more details:
Long rant - very confused
Waiting...
Found the right T!
As much as I appreciate my current T, I do wish my former T and I had been able to work through the disruption. Supposedly that is when the therapy really takes off, when everything falls apart and breaks out into the open. There was so much he was triggering in me, and if it's true that I was triggering him too, then the containment of therapy could have been a golden opportunity for us both to learn something. I liked him and respected him a great deal, was also very fond of him (obviously) and I hate that things ended the way they did with no chance of repair. I think I'll always feel sad about it to some degree but I'm trying to keep moving forward and let it go as much as I can.
My suggestion to check out other T's was only an idea...if you think there's a way to work through things with your current T, then go for it. At any rate I hope things work out for you one way or the other and I hope you will keep us updated!
SG