DITTO Broken -

I completely agree and understand everything you have just stated as I feel exactly the same way. And I'm way older than you, so it kind of makes me feel a bit pathetic.

For me though, I don't know if it's what I didn't receive growing up from my mom. As an adult, my mother and I were very close, and since she passed away over 7 years ago, I have needed her more than ever. I know I have tried to use T to replace my mom.
Then there is the whole sexual aspect......I am not attracted to my T in any sexual way at all.....but I am obsessed with knowing about her personal life. I believe she is a lesbian, and she just won't be honest with me. I don't know why I am so obsessed with this issue. I also wish she wasn't if that is indeed the case, and I don't know why. I think it's an intimacy thing, not sexual at all. I don't want her loving another woman, and not loving me. Does this make sense??
This whole attachment thing makes me feel crazy!!

Last February she got really sick with the flu, and I was devastated. I would try to text her, and she would respond, "ill". She was so sick she canceled all appointments for almost two weeks. I ended up so depressed, and worried that she would die, I was ready to SU over fear of losing her.
I've been feeling a lot of that lately again, as I am sure she is so fed up with me.

Broken - sorry I've high-jacked your thread a bit....but this subject is so very difficult for me right now. And does not appear to be getting easier for me.

Thanks for letting me vent on this.
GG

((GG))--

The topic of attachment is so difficult to explore, and it feels quite impossible to overcome. I am sorry that you are dealing with this, too, as I know how awful the feeling is. It feels so good to love someone, but it feels awful to feel like they are going to leave you, or just one day be gone from your life. I struggle with this on a daily basis, and it goes up and down.

I wish that I had some magical answers or power to take away the pain, but I am hoping the someday I will understand...

But, for the time being, I'll lean on you guys for support and pray that I can overcome this attachment pain.

--Hugs, Broken

quote:

I struggle with these strong loving emotions towards T, and I sometimes feel like my heart is going to explode because I feel them so strong and I can't really express them because I understand the boundaries.

Well, I'm far from an expert on therapy, but I thought talking about your feelings (of whatever nature) is something that not only falls well within the boundaries of therapy, but is sort of the whole point? Of course actually feeling comfortable discussing attachment issues with a T is a whole other issue, as I've found.

I feel pretty attached to my T as well. I haven't told her so directly, but I've talked a little about the ways therapy with her has helped me, things I appreciate about her approach, and ways that I feel I've grown in and from the relationship. I haven't even discussed any of that directly or at great length, but I slip in a sentence or two here or there as it seems relevant, and somehow just expressing the positive feelings I have for her, even in this limited way, eases that attachment ache a bit.

Anyway, that's where I'm at with all of this currently. No clue if I'm handling it the right way or not or if anything I've said is at all relevant or useful to you. . . but I empathize and wish you well.

quote:

Then there is the whole sexual aspect......I am not attracted to my T in any sexual way at all.....but I am obsessed with knowing about her personal life. I believe she is a lesbian

Wow, I could have written that just a few weeks ago. For some reason, for the longest time I believed my T was a lesbian. I found out recently that no, she is in fact married, to a man, and has been for many years. It's not like it makes any difference one way or the other, but I suppose it did change my perspective of her a bit.

Really I have no clue what was up with that erroneous assumption of mine, if it "means" anything and if so what that might be. Cuz I've never felt attracted to her in that way and am in fact heterosexual myself.

I am very attached to my T. Broken - it is like agony and I work very hard to keep my emotions regulated and focus on other things and keep myself in wise mind about the nature of our relationship. I can related to someone who said it was like wanting to be with my mother all the time but for me it also has some sexual overtones. I think that may be me turning everything sexual because of the abuse I went through. T and I have discussed this a bit and he believes that I would be led by the spirit and would never act on sexual thoughts with him or anyone else. My belief that I would are simply the false assumptions about myself that I've lived with for so long.I also believe that satan has a hand in this, doing anything possible to derail me from believing that who I really am is good, clean, etc. For example, the other day out of the blue I imagined T making love to his wife and I literally got a chill run through my body. That really scares me. I plan to talk to my T on Wednesday about how much I miss him and what I can do with that. This forum has helped me so much with this issue. Stay with us.

Hey there Broken,

The feelings are unbearable for me sometimes. I've often felt as though therapy is a cruel joke and told T that. I had no intention of loving again. I do get angry that I have these feelings and it's loving and losing all over again for me. Talking to him definitely helps. I tried to handle it all on my own for a long time but that made it worse. If I come through on the other side or if you do, let us know so there can be hope for us.

My attachments are all different. I know I have been obsessed / in love with T's or people in the past - but I am neither at the moment or in this phase of my life.

My attachment is an invisible life saving bond that I feel in my stomach or right inside me. When they (only referring to childT but hope there will be more) are sick or away it feels like they have died and I have been abandoned and i will soon die. I have no words to effectively describe this and I can only imagine that it is from when I was a baby or little child until I had words to speak. Then when I did have words to speak - I was discounted, ignored, invalidated, rejected. So for me - my horrible abandoned feelings - are terrifying and I feel like I will die.

Even though I don't feel my attachment in the same way as yours Broken = it is really thought provoking and helpful for me because I can look at my situation and say "no it doesn't feel like unrequited love or it doesn't feel like an obsession or sexual or whatever'.

I think mine is a safety and survival bond. I think the person I have an attachment to is going to save me from death, starvation, rescue me from abuse - she is my link to living a life. (I wasn't starved or dying as a child - it is what it *feels* like).

I am having a hard time trying to explain this.

The irony is that when i see childT in person - I have nothing to say to her. I am learning now that I am too scared to speak in case I stuff it up and she rejects me... but that is another story entirely....

I am extremely confused with all this attachment stuff and I am learning a lot from you all. Thanks for the posts.

Hi All,
I wanted to answer this post more specifically, but am pressed for time right now. But I've written pretty extensively on the topic of attachment and working through it, so for right now I'm just including a bunch of links to some of my posts on the topic. I'll try to get back tomorrow and answer more directly. Thanks.

AG

Falling back

Meltdown and boundaries

Panic setting in

i chickened out....maternal transference

therapy relationship question

Transference who is responsible?

Emotional distress leads to breakthrough

Attachment - How long with this last?

Massive missive

I know that a lot of you are new here and maybe have not had time to do some reading on attachment. Attachment injury usually appears in those of us who have had abusive caregivers. And because of this our development was not allowed to proceed normally. Attachment is a biological need that is also evolutionary. The attachment is what kept the human species alive. As babies we are hard wired when stressed, hungry, uncomfortable of threatened in any way to call out for our caregivers/protectors. This kept us safe from predators. But if our caregivers did not react in predictable and safe ways our own attachment status changed from secure to avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized. This causes many problems down the line in relationships.

The reason we miss our Ts so much, especially when we are feeling alone, or scared or upset is that we need them to help us regulate our emotions. Something that did not happen if we had abusive caregivers. We long for the safety they give us. We are proximity seeking because being with them calms our nervous system. The reason it feels like life and death when we need our T's is that when we were children it WAS a matter of life and death. If we had no caregiver we would die.

There are tons of threads discussing attachment in detail on this board that would help you all in understanding why you are feeling the way you do. And I will say here, in my opinion, this will not get any better if you cannot openly discuss this with your T. If you have a T who does not understand attachment or resists your attachment to them it will cause you to become more clingy and desperate in fear of abandonment. It is very helpful to attach to your T to heal the attachment wounds of childhood and to then be able to go through the stages of development that you missed. You will need to be dependent for awhile as a child is. But you cannot attach to someone who refuses the attachment and this could just cause a re-enactment of childhood and you will be hurt once again.

I think it would be worth your while to read the links that AG has posted above and to check the book forum list for books on attachment. The first step to healing is to educate yourself and then talk to your T about this. It will help them to help you.

Best
TN

((hugs to you all))

I realized I had an attachment to my T within about 1 month.

The interesting part of my attachment to T is that I wish I could see her struggling because then it would give me a reason to hug her and hold her too. I have always yearned for a union. For me and 1 other person, equally in pain, to get through and with no one else around us.

This could be to do with the fact that my household was extremely emotionally stressful from time I was born. My mother looked after me for 6 months, depressed, in a bedsit before she moved back in with Dad. Then less than 6 months later she moved out and my Stepmum became the chief carer. A woman, of which, was emotionally neglectful. As I grew my Dad was distanced as well. Both were emotionally neglectful over time.

I wonder if the need to protect my caregiver relates to when my Mother was looking after me and upset. Perhaps it was an infantile wish for 'Mommy to be okay. Why is Mommy crying?'. Who knows.

quote:

Why is it that sometimes my attachment is so strong I feel like I am going to die without her, and other times I am perfectly okay?

Gosh I'm the same Broken. I'm not sure. When you are okay, I'm assuming that you've got a hold on your emotions okay at the time? Perhaps like an infant is, when he is happy or content he doesn't mind sitting by himself and being a kid but when he is distraught, he runs to his caregiver. Perhaps it relates back to the infantile need to be heard, of which, you may not have gotten adequately?

I'm sorry. I'm not learnt on this whole attachment thing neither. I'm very attached to my therapist. I am very scared of it as well as feeling safe. I have abandonment fears that are mad. When I'm down, I want her to be next to me and no one else. At times where I might feel really low, she feels like the ONLY lifeline I have in an otherwise cruel and harsh world.
This has sent me into a spiral of panic once or twice because I immediately notice how I keep myself away from most other people for fear of being hurt and I realize that she is not really my Mum. This can make me very sad.

If I think of my T with a partner or even laughing with another patient, I get jealous.

I just hope it does get easier. I've read upon Freuds transference a lot. I appear to be in the stages where it is becoming more interpersonal and I am 'resisting'. Where I could come into session and splurge out everything with an attitude of indifference, I come in now and feel like I'm slowly becoming more and more mute/embarassed/ashamed/feeling judged...

Hey though, I'm glad we have this forum, this blog, our interconnectedness. I love how we support each other on here. If it gets too bad, we can support each other too. I know its not the same intensity as having our T's, but it definitely helps me inbetween sessions being here.

FMN funny you should say that about coming on forum being something like what happens with Ts though with less intensity – I was joking with someone the other day about the forum becoming my AF (attachment figure) and actually, there’s a lot of truth in that. This place really is special

Thanks AG for posting those links (hey maybe we should create an index of post topics on forum, there’s so much good info in all the threads scattered about the place it would make a really useful reference resource?)

I’ve been wanting to post here for a few days – because I come from the opposite spectrum, I NEVER get attached and so I read other’s experiences of attachment with interest, hoping to learn about it.

It always confuses me though because I don’t think I really understand what attachment is. It sounds like it’s a positive thing (lol maybe not positive to experience, but positive as in strong positive feelings towards the other, a desire to be constantly in their presence.) About the closest I can understand it to be in me is need – an underground but very strong need to GET emotionally from the other (recognition, caring, smiles, praise, being wanted, admiration, understanding, support, a sense of strength etc…) If I get some or even one of these things I tend to want more of it from the other, but if they aren’t handing out these goodies, then there’s no emotional connection on my part at all (in fact the complete opposite).

So I wondered if anyone was able to describe how it feels to be attached? What you think/feel and what expectations you have and what it means to you, and mostly, what makes you attach to one person but not to another. What sparks the attachment? And what keeps it alive? And is it the same as love or is it something else?

Lol just a few simple questions then.

LL

quote:

It is love for me, but its a different kind of love than the norm.It seems almost life and death and more whole and spiritual and touches a deeper part of your soul than any other sort of love you could experience.there feels like a driving need for that connection........ha you know what, for me its validation that i even exist to be loved and am alive.That someone sees me.

Hey Draggers! That was beautiful and not rubbish at all. And it perfectly describes how I experience attachment too.

Hope you are okay. Many hugs,
TN

LL - i have avoided being attached all my life and it wasn't until I was terminated from T that I realised how attached I was. I wanted to die rather than her leave me. The intensity of the emotion scared the crap out of me. Then I realised that I had had a more important attachment all along with another T. That was my life and death T, my constant. I then realised that before these two people came along - I had never had an attachment before EVER. Not even to close friends, not even to my children not even to my husband of over 20 years. I had obsessions with people and I wanted them to care for me - but never a bonded attachment. The attachment kept me safe. Without it - I unhinged quickly and badly.

So for me - when it was taken away - I realised what I had had and I wanted it back. That was the catalyst for me learning and understanding about it. At the time I didn't know I was attached - does this make sense. It took me by surprise and I didn't know what it was.

I went back to my T that I hadn't seen in 10 years - I had seen her off and on for 5 years. I really liked her then, I trusted her, told her mostly everything - but it was never at a deep, attached level. I am seeing her again and I am hoping I get that attachment so I can heal.

When you have it - it is like one of the most intense, powerful things. It keeps you grounded.

quote:

It is love for me, but its a different kind of love than the norm.It seems almost life and death and more whole and spiritual and touches a deeper part of your soul than any other sort of love you could experience.there feels like a driving need for that connection........ha you know what, for me its validation that i even exist to be loved and am alive.That someone sees me.

I thought this was so beautifully written that I had to quote it, draggers! Yes that explains those feelings very well...

Broken, it really hurts to be attached to a T, but I think if the T handles it well and understands it thoroughly, it can become a very healing thing. For myself, a book that helped me tremendously to understand myself and the attachment, and why I reacted to my T so strongly, was "Healing the Unaffirmed" by Drs. Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe. It's a bit of a hrad read as it is written for therapists, but I still got much from it, more than I did from the layman's version. It's a rather simple take on attachment, the principal is that love from an affirming other heals our wounds. Dr. Baars reported that he had much success with this type of therapy, that his patients very often went on from his therapy to lead completely normal and happy fulfilled lives- and it is very like the attachment model...I thought I would just relay yet another source, that confirms that attachment in therapy is a very good and healing thing- if handled properly by the therapist.

My own T said it was, and said it wasn't, and seemed all over the place with my attachment- it confused me greatly, and I would have a most difficult time communicating anything to my current therapist that isn't 100 percent positive. It's a powerful sword, for our good, or our evil- and therapists need to be very careful when wielding it.

Love and healing wishes to all,

BB

HIC:
I like how you said that talking to T about these attachment issues falls within the boundaries of therapy. I guess sometimes I feel like T closes up on me when I get too intense in my feelings, like I can feel her backing away. It hurts. I appreciate your response. Everyone is so knowledgeable and it really helps to read other peoples feelings in regards to this stormy emotion.

ND: Sorry you have felt the same agony that I am experiencing. I would wish this pain on anyone else. It's excruciating. I told T that in my last email to her. The pain hurts like hell, and I didn't choose it. I am for sure sticking by all of you. This is my comfort zone.

Liese: I totally get the cruel joke. I told T is was like playing a game. She didn't think that was very funny, and I think it might of hurt her a bit. But, it is sometimes. Or at least it feels like it is. I like how you said that talking to him made it feel better. I have been struggling to hide this for a while now. T has an idea that I am attached but I have been suppressing a lot of the emotions, and not calling or reaching out as much because I am terrified of pushing her away.

SD: My attachment is in the pit of my stomach, too. Sometimes it travels to my heart and it feels like my heart is going to explode. I think it's interesting to see everyone's attachment in a different light, and how we all are unique in such a similar experience. My attachment is definitely maternal. It's always been about those older women.

AG: I really can't tell you how valuable your knowledge and understanding of all of this is, and how you help support all of us. It's such a blessing, and the fact that you are able to connect things with your own experiences and past threads really does help. I know for me being completely new to therapy all I want to do is understand what I am going through. Thankfully, you are here and provide me with a lot of guiding assistance. Not sure if I have ever thanked you for that, but I am doing it now. I appreciate all that you do for me, and for all of the wonderful people who use this as a support tool. It's a beautiful place.

TN: What you wrote makes so much sense. I have been mentioning to T that I do feel like a little kid right now. I feel like a little baby reaching out towards mom all the time, although I am a 30 year old woman who is perfectly capable living on her own. I appreciate the advice about discussing this with T. After seeing this last night, I took that advice and wrote T an email. I thought that I can best express my feelings in writing, so I took a leap of faith and sent it to her. I asked her not to reply because I just didn't want the typical "thanks for the email. We will discuss on Friday." It meant more than that to me, which is why I decided that I'd send it off and just let it be. We will talk about it later, I am sure. But, TN, thank you for everything you said. I am also weary of T rejecting my attachment. I am not 100% sure if she will accept it. I guess I will have to feel her out on that?

FMN: I attached to T within a month, too. It was super fast. It makes sense when I feel the strong attachment pull is when I am alone. When I am with friends and family, I am fine. BUT, the aloneness that surrounds me during periods of my day causes me to yearn for T's presence.
I agree that coming here has saved me many times from giving up, running away, or basically lashing out at T. This forum is my attachment figure... you all are a part of me... hmmm, so, any older women out there want to be my mom? (Just kidding, gotta thrown some humor in there.)

LL: GREAT question. I want to know what it feels like, too. I know I am attached but obviously not securely. There must be stages. I need to go back through and read all the good stuff that AG linked.

Draggers: AMAZING, just amazing. That was definitely not rubbish. I was questioning everything just like LL, and after reading your post feel like "WOW, I want that SO bad." AND I agree, it's LOVE. I seriously got tears when I read your post. How incredible to feel that way....how incredible of a T to allow you to feel that.

BB: You are after my heart, right, with the book recommendation? If you knew me better, you'd know that I am a reader.... I guess you could say a book fanatic, so thank you, thank you thank you for the recommendation. I know what I am reading next! AND I love reading all the technical jargon in relation to psychotherapy--the more charts and graphs the better.

To ALL:

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. I absolutely find you all to be incredible, amazing resources and friends. I love you all, and what draggers said---all of those beautiful words, I feel them towards my friends here. "It's deep and touches my soul!" "It's validation that I exist. That you all see me!"

LOVE, Broken

quote:

LL - i have avoided being attached all my life and it wasn't until I was terminated from T that I realised how attached I was. I wanted to die rather than her leave me. The intensity of the emotion scared the crap out of me. Then I realised that I had had a more important attachment all along with another T. That was my life and death T, my constant. I then realised that before these two people came along - I had never had an attachment before EVER. Not even to close friends, not even to my children not even to my husband of over 20 years. I had obsessions with people and I wanted them to care for me - but never a bonded attachment. The attachment kept me safe. Without it - I unhinged quickly and badly

((Somedays)) Wow, thats exactly how I feel. I don't feel like I've ever had an attachment, even to close friends. And now even to family. I sometimes feel that I could go off on my own, traveling the world by myself and not miss anyone.

When I almost left T, I was distraught. I thought my life was going to end. Indeed I wanted it to. Until I changed plans.

Do you find that its almost automatic, this detachment you have? Mine is very automatic. I feel very numbed. I come and go with people but never really miss them..

FMN - I don't think it is bad ALL the time - ie when I am not in a depression - but since I went into this depression a year ago - all the bad stuff is here.....

I am sure that I have been connected to people in my life at times - but while in my depressive phase - the BPD is everpresent and overshadows everything, when I am not depressed I can manage stuff on the outside pretty well, but still crazy on the inside .

Looking back on the past few years -the detachment has been my self defence and self preservation mechanism. If you don't let people in, then you can't be hurt. What prompted me to get help and to realise that I am indeed 'a sick puppy' is that I can look at my children and feel nothing. That disturbed me.I realised that I wasn't living a meaningful life and that it was not normal or desirable to feel nothing for people you should feel something for. I can and do miss people and I know people are going to die - once that comes into my mind - I switch off so I don't get flooded with intense sadness and feelings. Whilst mine feels automatic - I now know it isn't - it is very deliberate and I have been able to slow my thinking down to realise that I am doing it and why. That alone was a big breakthrough for me. I have now realised that in the past few months I have been withdrawing from people, social situations, opportunities to feel happiness etc - so that I don't get rejected, hurt or disappointed.

When all this hurt happened to us as little kids, babies, pre-verbal - whenever - man we have had to adapt the best way we can just to survive. I have a better understanding of what is going on for me - but fixing it is another issue.

Does this help FMN?

I posted this on the sensitive issues board because I revealed the letter I sent to T. It was a hard letter for me to write, but she responded and things that I never expected happened. I wanted to share this with all of you, and the valuable information that I got from TN, and all of the posts on attachment helped push me into asking T straight out: Do you accept or reject my attachment. Long story short--she accepted.
I'm not in the right frame of mind to work this all through right now. I am still reeling... but, here's a little summary of things:

OMG, my knees are completely weak and I am on the verge of throwing up from nausea after a serious emotional roller coaster ride this afternoon--I am shaking at the moment because I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

You all understand the anxiety of attachment that I have been suffering with, especially over the last day. It's been harrowing. I've felt the pain in my head, some total disassociation, and it all ended up with that letter to T.

Well, she called me. She said that she is sorry that she went against my request to not reply to my email but she wanted to check in with me, make sure I am safe, and hear my voice. I couldn't believe it--I guess I was in shock that she did that because in all honesty I was expecting her to reject my attachment. She asked if there was anything I wanted to ask her at this time, and I asked her if my attachment was okay, was it okay with her that I had those feelings. She said yes, it's okay. It's perfectly fine. She said that what I am seeking from her is something that I need to learn to do for myself though, and I explained my understanding of all of that. I get it, but I just wanted to feel safe and secure and that what I was feeling was valid and accepted by her. She said, "am I going to see you on Friday--I am thinking I will." I had said something about not being sure about doing this anymore because it's so hard. And I said "as long as you aren't kicking me out?" She said "you can't get rid of me that easily." My heart soared out of my chest and I felt like laughing and crying and dying all at the same time. I love her, and in that moment she showed me that in her T ways that she cares about me, and is sticking through with everything that I am. She accepted me. She accepted my attachment.

I think I need to go cry because I don't even know where this leaves me! Nobody has ever accepted me in this whole way before and it's feeling my heart with so much joy, yet so much pain. IT's too much, but not enough. I feel like I need to sleep this off. LOL!

LOVE and Hugs to all of you. Thank you TN for prompting this. Without you this morning, I wouldn't have demanded to know whether my attachment was accepted or rejected by T. YOU helped to relieve so much anxiety and helped to bring me closer to my T. I appreciate your advice so much. You are right, talking it out is the BEST way to end the suffering. I recommend everyone to say what it is that they are afraid of saying. If you T is the RIGHT T for you, then that person will hold you with kid gloves and slowly surely make you feel safe and secure.

I'm still reeling, probably not making much sense.

I'll come back later. LOVE to all.

Broken

((Brokes)) - i am gonna CRY. This T is awesome. You have to remember this day - she came through with the absolute perfect answer for you. She is probably celebrating herself as this signifies a huge breakthrough for you and your therapeutic relationship.

Way to go. I am so happy for you. (I told you it would be ok).

quote:

You are right, talking it out is the BEST way to end the suffering. I recommend everyone to say what it is that they are afraid of saying. If you T is the RIGHT T for you, then that person will hold you with kid gloves and slowly surely make you feel safe and secure.

Broken- I did not have a chance to tell you how wonderful your letter was. It was written beautifully. I am glad your T came through for you. I just wanted to tell you that. I learned a lot from your letter.

Thanks again to everyone for the support on this issue.

ND, thanks for telling me the letter was written beautifully. It means a lot. AND, I am glad that you could take something away from it and apply it to your experiences.

I am going to need to remind myself this in the future, and I hope that all of you take a leap of faith and follow through with this:

Whatever it is, BIG or SMALL, talk it out with your T. You'll be surprised at how cathartic the process is, and how much your T's reaction will surprise you.

--B

Broken,
You should be so proud of yourself, it takes so much courage to open yourself up like that and become so vulnerable. I am so glad that you got such an accepting response from your T. I think you just took a very important step in your healing journey. Thanks for sharing this with us.

AG

(((BROKEN)))

So glad it all had a positive ending.

xoxoxo

Liese

(((((((((Broken)))))))))))
Sounds like a therapy dream come true. SO happy for you, Broken. Way to be brave in telling her! And so very thrilled for you, that she was so kind and careful with your feelings, and so reassuring that the relationship is still very much intact. You both deserve gold medals. Thank you for sharing this with us!

Hug,

SG

(((((Broken))))) I think you did great, and you should be really proud! Hugs to you-

BB

quote:

FMN funny you should say that about coming on forum being something like what happens with Ts though with less intensity – I was joking with someone the other day about the forum becoming my AF (attachment figure) and actually, there’s a lot of truth in that. This place really is special

I love it here. I come here daily now. You guys really help me (even if not directly...just knowing that there are other people who know what this journey is like). It humbles me.

Somedays: It is similar for me too I think. When I am low, I feel that everything hits me hard and it is a real struggle to get up and get on with my day. But when I'm okay, I can function.
The detachments to people feel so natural to me, that I'm worried that I will never get through it. I do a lot of thinking and comtemplating and it takes a lot of thinking to get to the feelings where I am sad, angry etc at my parents. Generally I am very apathetic and indifferent to everything. I love my solitude. Funny with partners I attach too quickly. but with friends, I can leave and not miss anyone. I don't think I've ever truly missed a friend. And if a friend angers me, I am surprisingly capable of removing them from my life. :S...

quote:

I have now realised that in the past few months I have been withdrawing from people, social situations, opportunities to feel happiness etc - so that I don't get rejected, hurt or disappointed.

Sadly, I feel I am doing this with my Mum and Grandparents at the moment. I locate the anger at them and the sadness I feel in life and how I've felt let down and quite automatically I am distancing myself from them.

quote:

And I said "as long as you aren't kicking me out?" She said "you can't get rid of me that easily." My heart soared out of my chest and I felt like laughing and crying and dying all at the same time. I love her, and in that moment she showed me that in her T ways that she cares about me, and is sticking through with everything that I am. She accepted me. She accepted my attachment.

I think I need to go cry because I don't even know where this leaves me! Nobody has ever accepted me in this whole way before and it's feeling my heart with so much joy, yet so much pain

Broken, this put tears in my eyes to read. Wow. Your T is brilliant. The feeling is so powerful, that acceptance. I'm starting to experience it with my T. She seems so lovely and its overwhelming to feel her care. Sometimes too overwhelming. Too scary. But so revitalizing and beautiful. (((hugs))) I'm so happy for you! x